Terrorblade Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Hi guys. I have a friend (from work) with whom I've become really good friends over the last 3 months. We recently went for a trip together (with other people too). We used to spend a lot of time together, talking and having fun. One night, while sleeping next to each other we got really close and almost kissed but didn't. The next night, she kissed me and we spent most of the night making out (none of us were drunk/high or anything, totally in our senses). For the next two days we would kiss and hold hands told each other that we liked each other. She has had a boyfriend for the last 6 years or so, with whom things aren't going too well at the moment. I've recently shifted to a new city for work, and the lack of social life has left me feeling a little lonely and wanting for companionship. I'm not sure about how to behave with her, or what to expect in the future. Any help would be appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
WhatYouWantToHear Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 So you can't read her mind, but you think random people on the internet can? You do realize there is someone you can ask to find out what type of relationship she wants to have with you, right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tauriel Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 First, if this woman has been with this guy for six years, and they're not married, there is a reason for this. One of them has profound doubts. You said yourself that the couple is going through a hard time. Secondly, being BF and GF is not the same as being married. There's no life commitment there. Don't beat yourself up too much. As to what she's thinking and how you should behave around her? You need to ask her these things and convey to her how you feel about the situation. That's the only way you'll get the answers you're looking for. Link to post Share on other sites
badpenny Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 Remember though, if she's capable of cheating with you, while with someone else, she may be capable of cheating with someone else, if she gets together with you..... If there are problems within a relationship, they are merely compounded and made much worse, when people cheat, instead of facing their problems, discussing them and dealing with them. She may well have exhausted all possibilities with her BF, and explored every avenue possible with him, to try to improve their relationship; but I somehow doubt this very much. I think she just gave up and took "the easy route". That's you, by the way.... Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 First, if this woman has been with this guy for six years, and they're not married, there is a reason for this. One of them has profound doubts. You said yourself that the couple is going through a hard time. Secondly, being BF and GF is not the same as being married. There's no life commitment there. Don't beat yourself up too much. As to what she's thinking and how you should behave around her? You need to ask her these things and convey to her how you feel about the situation. That's the only way you'll get the answers you're looking for. I disagree. People nowadays are not marrying as they used to. Lots of people have long term commitments without a marriage. That said, I agree she is obviously not committed or she wouldn't have made out with this guy for three days. OP just ask her what she thinks the best course of action is, go from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 You need to ask her the questions about what to expect from her moving forward. Our opinions are just speculation. I will say this, however: If she is unhappy with her bf and wants out of that relationship, she is showing you that she will use another guy as a bridge/soft place to land when she does that. She Should you get involved with her next, keep that in mind. Not that she is guaranteed to do it again, but she is showing you that she's capable of it. I agree with Tauriel: They aren't married, so it's less of a big deal to end the relationship. If they don't have children, this is even more the case. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria_Smellons Posted April 26, 2015 Share Posted April 26, 2015 First, if this woman has been with this guy for six years, and they're not married, there is a reason for this. One of them has profound doubts. I actually don't agree with this, some couples choose to not get married, this assumption that happy couples get married after x amount of time and if they don't something is wrong is fallacy in my opinion. However, to your original post. Assuming you want to keep seeing her you're going to need to ask her what her feelings are for you, what her plans are going forward and if she intends to break up with her boyfriend. Bear in mind of course that you may not get an honest answer. Your best option would be honesty and distance. Tell her you like her and would like to get to know her better, but since she isn't single that isn't an option. Then try to put some emotional distance between you. Then focus on meeting new people (of both sexes) and getting a support/social network in place. Your loneliness could be making you extra vulnerable here, so be aware of that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Terrorblade Posted April 30, 2015 Author Share Posted April 30, 2015 Thank you all for your responses They have been dating since high school. I think they are both each others' first "proper" BF and GF. And update: She told her BF what happened, and has broken things off with him. He was not in the city, and has come back recently after a business trip. He wasn't angry or anything - he just said that both of them had been having issues for a while. She told me later that the fact that he just chose to let go of her so easily after a 6 year old relationship was something that angered and hurt her. Now I find myself in a peculiar spot. She's well aware of my intentions, and we have gone on a couple of dates after she broke up. The "intimacy" which both of us had shared is gone now, because she has told me she needs time to sort stuff out at her end before being more than friends with me. And anyway, she's told me that she does enjoy spending time with me and would like to see me more. I am not thinking too much into things, and I'm certainly not texting/calling her all the time. Most of the time it is she who reaches out to me. Should I expect things to get better in the future? Or is she just keeping me on the side until things with her (ex) BF get better? Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 First mistake is thinking you could have something special with someone that doesn't really respect the true meaning of a relationship in the first place. If you stay with her and wait your going to have to get use to the idea there is a possibility she will do the same thing to you that she did with her BF. He was right to walk away. You should learn from this and find someone single that really wants a relationship only with you. Why settle for anything less. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 First, if this woman has been with this guy for six years, and they're not married, there is a reason for this. One of them has profound doubts. You said yourself that the couple is going through a hard time. Secondly, being BF and GF is not the same as being married. There's no life commitment there. Don't beat yourself up too much. As to what she's thinking and how you should behave around her? You need to ask her these things and convey to her how you feel about the situation. That's the only way you'll get the answers you're looking for. Tauriel, I see you have some opposition to your statement. I agree with them, there are many committed relationships without marriage, just as there's many failures with marriage. Only major difference, is the cost of getting married and divorced, and the fact the with marriage, you have made your commitment public (but can be that way without marriage, too). As for the OP, there's sure a though to proceed with caution. There's still a lot of unknowns about the girl's previous relationship that may make a difference, and may take some time before a rebound. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Terrorblade Posted May 1, 2015 Author Share Posted May 1, 2015 She is 22, so marriage is off the cards for her now. I think it would be better to distance myself emotionally for a while, especially since she just got out of a relationship. We talked a lot, and she is one of the few people I've met in a long while with whom I can talk about anything. It's going to be hard to let go of that, but I think I will have to (atleast for a while). Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 And update: She told her BF what happened, and has broken things off with him. He was not in the city, and has come back recently after a business trip. He wasn't angry or anything - he just said that both of them had been having issues for a while. She told me later that the fact that he just chose to let go of her so easily after a 6 year old relationship was something that angered and hurt her. So she ended it and is hurt that he just let her go so easily? She ended it first. He probably wasn't as angry or hurt because their R has hit a wall and it was coming to end anyway. Seems he was ready which is why he didn't put up a fight to try to keep the relationship going. Her ego was hurt. She wanted him to beg and be upset, take her back but he did a 180. That's probably why she is acting distant towards you now. Hate to say it but it's affected her enough to shut off what she felt towards you and she has realized what she lost. She needs time to grieve the loss and be on her own. She isn't ready to just jump into something with you so soon after. With that said, shield your heart and focus on other friends in your life, keep busy so you don't crowd her right now. She could turn all this against you and blame you for their break up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Terrorblade Posted May 1, 2015 Author Share Posted May 1, 2015 So she ended it and is hurt that he just let her go so easily? She ended it first. He probably wasn't as angry or hurt because their R has hit a wall and it was coming to end anyway. Seems he was ready which is why he didn't put up a fight to try to keep the relationship going. Her ego was hurt. She wanted him to beg and be upset, take her back but he did a 180. That's probably why she is acting distant towards you now. Hate to say it but it's affected her enough to shut off what she felt towards you and she has realized what she lost. She needs time to grieve the loss and be on her own. She isn't ready to just jump into something with you so soon after. With that said, shield your heart and focus on other friends in your life, keep busy so you don't crowd her right now. She could turn all this against you and blame you for their break up. Thanks! I obviously could not discuss it with anyone at work, so thanks to all of you again for your help. I will focus on other friends and people, I am already heading off to a road trip with my buddies tonight 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 Just remember, if she did that to him, she'll do it to you. Link to post Share on other sites
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