ISO people who did the work and saved the marriage (or not)

[bluemood]

We are closing on 14 years passed dday. Still Married - but I feel I did most of the heavy lifting and sacrifices in saving the M.

 

First - have you told your husband of your affair?

 

This is key because unless you are honest with your husband - as long as that secret exists between you two, it will keep you from being truly emotionally intimate with each other. The M will be based on a lie - the lie that you have been faithful when you've not.

 

 

Yes, he knows everything.

[oldshirt]

Your resentment that he saw the light when you were on the cusp of divorce after many years of neglect is normal and is part of the process.

 

It's kind of like when you break your arm. It hurts like hell. Then you go to the hospital and they have to set it and get it in alignment and that Hurst even worse. Then they cast it but yet it still hurts bad for awhile while the healing is taking place.

 

Then there comes a period where the pain from the break is finally starting to subside and you begin to think that you may get through this and things may eventual heal. .....but then the skin underneath the cast begins to break down and it burns and itches like crazy.

 

That's where you are right now.

 

You've survived the initial insult and are on the path of recovery, but you are at a phase where you still aren't healed and you are still being hampered by the effects of the injury as well as the effects of the treatment.

 

Your resentment, bitterness, disgust etc are real. Your question as to whether his current behavior is singer or a temporary act is legitimate. Your question whether his changes are sustainable or if he'll fall back into his old ways are valid.

 

Time will tell on his behavior but your feelings are real, they are normal and they are part of the process. Don't hide from them or try to cover them up or deny them. Be open and honest about them with your therapist and deal with them just like a person in a cast should report the burning and itching in the cast so that it can be delt with appropriately and treated as well.

[bluemood]

Your resentment that he saw the light when you were on the cusp of divorce after many years of neglect is normal and is part of the process.

 

Your resentment, bitterness, disgust etc are real. Your question as to whether his current behavior is singer or a temporary act is legitimate. Your question whether his changes are sustainable or if he'll fall back into his old ways are valid.

 

 

 

Thank you for this, oldshirt. Sincerely; thank you.

 

The broken arm analogy is interesting. It suggests that all will heal, given time. I hope that is true.

[oldshirt]

Thank you for this, oldshirt. Sincerely; thank you.

 

The broken arm analogy is interesting. It suggests that all will heal, given time. I hope that is true.

 

 

 

I'm not saying that you will or will not fully heal or recover.

 

 

What I am saying is that what you are experiencing is normal and part of the process.

 

 

And also that you need to address this and deal with this just as you would any other part of the therapy process.

[beach]

I stayed married when he cheated at the 10 year mark.

 

When he cheated again at the 20 year mark I moved his stuff out with very few words spoken.

 

He promised not to ever hurt me like that again - but his need to rescue others and feed his ego was more important than staying faithful to me.

 

Yes, we did a ton of work to have a great M and I thought we had that.

 

He proved me wrong.

[velvette]

I don't think you will be able to forgive and love him until you forgive yourself.

 

 

You say you were abused, but the reality is you can only be abused for more than once if you allow it.

 

 

You have been keeping score for years, and scoring yourself higher because you feel you have done more work. I'm not negating the work you did, but it wasn't effective work when it came to creating a marriage that you wanted.

 

 

Instead of cheating to wake your husband up you should have told him you were filing for divorce because you couldn't live in the marriage you had anymore.

 

 

You cant forgive him because you cant admit that to yourself yet.

 

 

Once you acknowledge that what you did didn't work any more than what he did, you can start over and find the love you started out with. When you destroy a marriage, you have to start over with a clean slate or let it go.

[Popsicle]

Sometimes you can beg and plead and want something for so long. SO LONG... that when it finally does come, you realize that you no longer want it. The extended time of wanting it becomes a mission in itself that you stick to out of habit and principle. Then when you get it, you realize that the feeling and passion that was once causing that want so long ago, is just not there anymore. I see this often happening with wives who beg their husbands for so long for more emotion, and husbands who beg their wives for so long for more sex. At some point without realizing it, it turns into begging just to prove a point with the true desire for it lost. The rejection has taken a firmer hold.

[Lion Heart]

Dear bluemood,

What I find about your posts is that you seem to be refreshingly open and honest about stuff ie not trying to "gaslight" us. Lol.

 

I think parts of your initial post could've been written by my WH.

 

My D Day was 4.5 months ago and we've had a VERY rocky reconciliation time till today. I made him leave.

 

Being of opposite sexes MAY have some issues with the parallels but so much is similar. In fact if you find threads describing the "typical WW" both you and my WH come pretty close to that description. I'm only saying anything I say in an effort to help you, since you seem to be quite sincere about seeking help so please don't think I'm criticizing you (as my WH thinks constantly urrrgh).

 

See what you can find on those threads. Knowing oneself is paramount in marraiges where the WS is remaining in the M but therefore creating a "pendulum style" reconciliation. Which IMHO is NOT reconciliation.

 

The WS must most definitely be 150% decided on a full recommitment to the M otherwise the reconciliation efforts of BOTH spouses are more or less like rocking in a rocking chair; we're all busy doing something but getting nowhere.

 

I am an all in or all out person in relationships. I've suffered from infidelity in my previous M and kicked WH butt to the curb and left the next day. I have left bfs after their infidelity and never looked back. For me infidelity is a good and proper deal breaker. It is for MOST people. That's WHY my gift of a chance of reconciliation with THIS WH was such a gift. He used every blame-shifting, gaslighting and mind-f***ing technique in the cheaters handbook to make him take NO responsibility and me ALL. I wouldn't have it. Not one iota.

 

The blame for an A of any type is ALL on the WS. IMO if the M was "bad" enough for one spouse to cheat then they should've left the M before the A. Or at a minimum COMMUNICATED to their spouse how they felt IF they wanted to save the M and remain faithful. I communicated plenty about my dissatisfaction but because my H took no responsibility to work on the M, I had a choice to END the M or find other ways to make myself happy anyway. I chose the latter. WHs choices were far broader than mine because he felt entitled to have an A during the marraige therefore becoming a cake-eater.

 

You have to decide WHICH cake TO eat firstly and be 150% committed to making your M work, otherwise standing on the fence leaves a BS little choice but to separate. As I felt I had to today.

 

My WH has very little insight into how he's completely taken me, the children, this family unit, the privilege of living in this home etc for granted. He wasn't entitled to stay here after his A. If he had have fallen in love with his AP, it would've been over on D Day. I thought it was anyway.

 

WSs who are fence sitters need to leave the marital home IMO. This in itself will assist in the clarity you need for the next decision which is to separate in the view to D or be fully committed to reconciliation (if the BS is willing to provide that gift to you that is).

 

WSs decided to enter an A and in effect end the M. It's insulting to the BS and the children for a fence sitting WS to even think they're entitled to stay. They're absolutely not IMO.

 

Reconciliation is very horrible and heart breaking work for BSs who "can't decide". I made that choice for my WH today and in effect freed myself from the R task and almost immediately created a sense of calm and renewed stability to my family.

It had to be done.

 

My WH has my user name here. I suggest your BS has yours. Just for "complete transparency" to be true and to prove to him you're not still gaslighting him.

 

Lion Heart.

[RoseVille]

Bluemood,

 

I've been reading a lot on this forum over the past couple months, trying to wrap my brain around what I'm going through right now. I'm a woman, in your OM's shoes. From what he's told me, reading your story sounds just like his. If you were a man writing this thread, I'd really think you were him, it's so incredibly similar. The resentment he feels towards his wife is fierce. It sounds like there's been irreparable damage done to their 14 year marriage, and our relationship only magnified the problems in his marriage.

 

But, he chose to end things with me to focus on fixing things with his wife. He's left before, but now that she's "showing up" and they're in counseling, he's working on it. He's still hopeful that he'll get the love back, and wants to make it work, essentially for the children. Because he'd be broke if he left. Because he's afraid of change and of being alone.

 

I don't know how his story will end up. I'm torn; I want him to be happy, but I want to be the one who makes him happy.

 

I wish you both the best of luck.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Not sure if I am the only one who noticed...that even with years of IC, you still built tons of resentment during those years of IC. Not to mention...that you feel that you are the healthy spouse because of all your IC.

 

Or the fact that you feel it was love...between you and the OM. Someone, who you say mostly emailed and text with. From where I sit...it seems the OM was giving less of himself to the affair relationship than your husband was giving you. That you put little weight to your husband being the sole bread winner to a growing family. For most men....providing for their family is a huge commitment from them. It is a very big way that they show love. Not saying it is right or wrong...just how many men feel.

 

Resentment whether founded or unfounded kills relationships.

[Akashsingh]

Arranged marriages work out because usually the spouses both have a secret partner on the side to distract them. They're roommates; and frankly you shouldn't measure your marriage with an arranged one.

 

Absolutely rubbish!

[DKT3]

I wonder how much different this would sound if it was your husband telling the story.

 

What I got from reading this is, you did everything right in the marriage and life, your husband did everything wrong. Everything is his fault, even the fact that YOU fell in love with another man.

 

I doubt your marriage has a shot at all, you can't let go of this resentment because you feel you did nothing wrong. Discovering you had a sh*tty marriage after you've been involved in an affair is rewritting the history of your marriage. Its very important for someone like you, by that I mean a perfect person who does nothing wrong. If your marriage was ok it would mean you are the bad guy for cheating, so your marriage was horrible, being married to your husband was akin to being married to Henry the VIII, thus making your affair also his fault.

[Castlemate]

I wonder how much different this would sound if it was your husband telling the story.

 

What I got from reading this is, you did everything right in the marriage and life, your husband did everything wrong. Everything is his fault, even the fact that YOU fell in love with another man.

 

I doubt your marriage has a shot at all, you can't let go of this resentment because you feel you did nothing wrong. Discovering you had a sh*tty marriage after you've been involved in an affair is rewritting the history of your marriage. Its very important for someone like you, by that I mean a perfect person who does nothing wrong. If your marriage was ok it would mean you are the bad guy for cheating, so your marriage was horrible, being married to your husband was akin to being married to Henry the VIII, thus making your affair also his fault.

 

I have to agree.

 

You admit there were problems with the relationship before kids, after kids, etc. You've had options throughout. Even now, you have a choice, yet you're choosing to stick around and continue to do what you've been doing the last 14 years. Settle. Why? Maybe, you still love him. Maybe, you're afraid of being alone. Whatever the reason, you are still making the same mistakes....wasting time. Make a choice. Choose to let go of the past and forgive or leave him. Either choice won't be easy but you need to commit to a decision. Otherwise, you will continue to sit in limbo. Can you get past your resentment? Depends on how much you want your relationship to work.

[GirlStillStrong]

Resentment is huge. And a big waste of time and energy. It's toxic to you and you need to realize just how toxic.

 

The past is the past and you need to let it go. Live in the present moment. Then start taking things one day at a time.

 

You might want to check out Al-Anon open meetings. You will learn a lot about yourself there if you're willing to listen. And you will learn a lot about how to overcome what you are struggling with. The principles of Al-Anon apply to all of life, not just people in alcoholic relationships. The neglect you describe during the last 13 years sounds very similar to alcoholic neglect.

 

Remember, there are two people here, supposedly working towards a common goal. Sounds like your H is working hard at it. When are you going to jump on the bandwagon? I know you feel you were wronged and apparently a sort of "victim" here but you were (and still are) 50% of the equation. I think you have some soul-searching to do.

 

You don't trust him yet, and that's OK. But you need to tell him what you are scared of. There's where you will find an emotional connection.

[RoseVille]

Sometimes you can beg and plead and want something for so long. SO LONG... that when it finally does come, you realize that you no longer want it. The extended time of wanting it becomes a mission in itself that you stick to out of habit and principle. Then when you get it, you realize that the feeling and passion that was once causing that want so long ago, is just not there anymore. I see this often happening with wives who beg their husbands for so long for more emotion, and husbands who beg their wives for so long for more sex. At some point without realizing it, it turns into begging just to prove a point with the true desire for it lost. The rejection has taken a firmer hold.

 

This is precisely what happened with my MM.

 

Their sex life sucks. He's begged for improvement for years. They've gone to MC. He finally said in MC that he's been tempted by other women because of it, and that if it doesn't improve, he's going to leave. So, she starts giving him more sex, and of the variety that he wants. And now, he doesn't want it anymore, at least not from her. And she's, understandably, all "WTF" about it.

[LifesontheUp]

Not sure if I am the only one who noticed...that even with years of IC, you still built tons of resentment during those years of IC. Not to mention...that you feel that you are the healthy spouse because of all your IC.

 

Or the fact that you feel it was love...between you and the OM. Someone, who you say mostly emailed and text with. From where I sit...it seems the OM was giving less of himself to the affair relationship than your husband was giving you. That you put little weight to your husband being the sole bread winner to a growing family. For most men....providing for their family is a huge commitment from them. It is a very big way that they show love. Not saying it is right or wrong...just how many men feel.

 

Resentment whether founded or unfounded kills relationships.

 

I got this too.

 

Bluemood, you had choices, always did have. If your husband was that bad you could have left him years ago but you didn't, and you had 2 kids with him.

 

I don't understand either how you still have this what appears to be "I've done nothing wrong and its all my husbands fault" approach after being in IC so long. Sorry but nobody, not even you are perfect and I believe if your husband was posting we would get a more balanced view.

 

So you had a deep connection with the OM, through texts and email - is he still around? do you still communicate in this way? Lets get real, a relationship via text and email and a couple of meets isn't a real life relationship. But if you feel that it could be, why not go be with him?

 

Until you start to realise you were not the perfect wife either, you don't stand a chance. And you don't stand a chance in any other relationship going forward because all I can see is you expect it all - and life just isn't like that.

[fellini]

You have said you are only interested in the aftermath talk, so I won't go where some previous posters have in trying to pull out the sordid details of your EA.

 

But Im not getting something. You did all those years of IC, and you had an affair, and you wanted to know if you are better off in a different relationship?

 

Better off? or just better to be off?

 

One is ALWAYS better off being where ONE WANTS TO BE.

 

You have groomed you husband to be "the man you need him to be" and now you find that there is still something lacking. This suggests you groomed him better for his next wife, because you don't really want to be his wife. Haven't for some time. You groomed him to see if he could be the catalyst for your happiness.

 

My WW did something similar to me after her LTR. She stopped spending so much time at work and reinvested it in the home. She started picking up more on the distribution of chores that come with married with kids.

 

I remember one time talking with her about "changes" I needed to see in her behaviours. And her first reaction was, "look, im making lunches now, Im going to collect our daughter more from school, Im putting more time into things here."

 

I don't know about most people, but I don't measure my love for my wife in terms of how many lunches she makes, or how many times she offers to take the children to swimming classes. An affair, an EA or PA has nothing to do with chores. I want to see changes in the way she looks at me, makes me feel loved - the things that the affair destroyed.

 

So if I were in your shoes (and this is so weird because it was you that stepped out of the marriage but is asking him to do the work of fixing it) I would ask yourself simply: do you believe your husband loves you? Do you see yourself with him 5 years from now, or do you find yourself looking in the periphery and wishing someone could magically zap your H out of your life and SWOSSHHHH your AP in his place. Is that what you think would make you feel better? If so, why hang around.

 

I decided to reconcile with my wife because I love her, always did, and probably always will in spite of any short comings in her that I see, and I hope she feels the same way about me. That is the basis upon which I make my decision to stay or go.

 

Good luck.

[ww_girl]

Now I resent his changes, because he actually IS being a good husband and he IS being a better father... why couldn't it have always been that way? Why was my emotional detachment the only thing that caused him to act the way I had always wanted him to? If I reattach, emotionally, will he go away again? How could I dare leave him now, now that he is being so good? Why can't I accept the help he offers now, instead of just resenting that it wasn't there before?

 

I feel like I am making a choice between what is right for the family, (ie staying in the marriage - but let's not start the "what's best for the kids are happy parents" conversation, because the goal is not happiness, is it? isn't it stability for the children? to hurt as few people as possible?) and my own selfish desire to feel happy.

 

I mean, can you go on in the relationship without love and happiness and just stop chasing the dream of having those things? Everything else is fine, I can find happiness in other ways like with the kids and snuggling the dog, so can the relationship continue even if I don't feel love and that particular kind of happiness towards my husband?

 

did the happiness and love come back in your relationship? what if it was never there in the first place? can it be cultivated from this point, for the sake of the children, and the life that has been built (homes, cars, furniture, traditions..)? if i can't love him, who is to say i could love anyone at all?

 

This probably won't help at all, but I just wanted to say that I completely understand. I was also a WW, and I feel all of this too. Along with "He said he would try previously, and he did, and then it never lasted. Why waste our time trying again, only to slip into old habits again?"

 

I'm trying to evaluate the possibilities. If I leave, will I feel happier? Or less happy? Affecting my children's stability will make me less happy. I don't expect to find happiness with another man. Will I be happier by myself and with a redefined family that is me/kids and him/kids? What about the kids? Do WE make each other happy at all? Years later, when I look back, what would I regret? Leaving? Or staying?

 

If only I had the answers...

[fellini]

did the happiness and love come back in your relationship? what if it was never there in the first place? can it be cultivated from this point, for the sake of the children, and the life that has been built (homes, cars, furniture, traditions..)? if i can't love him, who is to say i could love anyone at all?

 

Happiness is not something you can GET from external sources. It can not be cultivated like a plant.

 

Happiness is inside you. We all have a baseline of happiness, we have no limits to how much happier we can be beyond that as a result of our interactions with others in the world. The only way you are going to find happiness is when you look inside yourself and do what you know you need to do to make yourself happy, to build upon who you are when you think about you, and to take that authentic self out in the world and share it with others: with your children, with your husband, with your friends, with yourself when you are alone with yourself.

 

I suggest you have a good look at what is called "Solution-based brief therapy" method:

The Solution-Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT) approach aims to assist people to engage their own unique resources and competencies in solving their problems. This theory is radically different than most theories because it does not assume that the counsellor needs to know the cause of a problem in order to solve it.

This approach is appealing because it focuses on the persons strengths and looks for exceptions to their problem. SFBT does not focus on the problems and nor does it view people as pathological but rather it views them as having the ability to create solutions to dissolve their own problems

 

One of the practitioners and pioneers of this therapy is Bill O'Hanlon who has written a very practical book on how to do it yourself: "Do one thing Different: Ten Simple ways to Change your life.

 

Focusing on the long goal of a blissful, happy, functioning marriage and relationship is never going to help you because it is both TOO ABSTRACT a goal and genuinely is not a goal, it's a lifelong plan.

 

Change JUST ONE ROUTINE way you think and act in this world. Make it stick, and see how it works. Later you will know what to do with your marriage.

[bluemood]

Dear bluemood,

What I find about your posts is that you seem to be refreshingly open and honest about stuff ie not trying to "gaslight" us. Lol.

 

I think parts of your initial post could've been written by my WH.

 

My D Day was 4.5 months ago and we've had a VERY rocky reconciliation time till today. I made him leave.

 

Being of opposite sexes MAY have some issues with the parallels but so much is similar. In fact if you find threads describing the "typical WW" both you and my WH come pretty close to that description. I'm only saying anything I say in an effort to help you, since you seem to be quite sincere about seeking help so please don't think I'm criticizing you (as my WH thinks constantly urrrgh).

 

See what you can find on those threads. Knowing oneself is paramount in marraiges where the WS is remaining in the M but therefore creating a "pendulum style" reconciliation. Which IMHO is NOT reconciliation.

 

The WS must most definitely be 150% decided on a full recommitment to the M otherwise the reconciliation efforts of BOTH spouses are more or less like rocking in a rocking chair; we're all busy doing something but getting nowhere.

 

I am an all in or all out person in relationships. I've suffered from infidelity in my previous M and kicked WH butt to the curb and left the next day. I have left bfs after their infidelity and never looked back. For me infidelity is a good and proper deal breaker. It is for MOST people. That's WHY my gift of a chance of reconciliation with THIS WH was such a gift. He used every blame-shifting, gaslighting and mind-f***ing technique in the cheaters handbook to make him take NO responsibility and me ALL. I wouldn't have it. Not one iota.

 

The blame for an A of any type is ALL on the WS. IMO if the M was "bad" enough for one spouse to cheat then they should've left the M before the A. Or at a minimum COMMUNICATED to their spouse how they felt IF they wanted to save the M and remain faithful. I communicated plenty about my dissatisfaction but because my H took no responsibility to work on the M, I had a choice to END the M or find other ways to make myself happy anyway. I chose the latter. WHs choices were far broader than mine because he felt entitled to have an A during the marraige therefore becoming a cake-eater.

 

You have to decide WHICH cake TO eat firstly and be 150% committed to making your M work, otherwise standing on the fence leaves a BS little choice but to separate. As I felt I had to today.

 

My WH has very little insight into how he's completely taken me, the children, this family unit, the privilege of living in this home etc for granted. He wasn't entitled to stay here after his A. If he had have fallen in love with his AP, it would've been over on D Day. I thought it was anyway.

 

WSs who are fence sitters need to leave the marital home IMO. This in itself will assist in the clarity you need for the next decision which is to separate in the view to D or be fully committed to reconciliation (if the BS is willing to provide that gift to you that is).

 

WSs decided to enter an A and in effect end the M. It's insulting to the BS and the children for a fence sitting WS to even think they're entitled to stay. They're absolutely not IMO.

 

Reconciliation is very horrible and heart breaking work for BSs who "can't decide". I made that choice for my WH today and in effect freed myself from the R task and almost immediately created a sense of calm and renewed stability to my family.

It had to be done.

 

My WH has my user name here. I suggest your BS has yours. Just for "complete transparency" to be true and to prove to him you're not still gaslighting him.

 

Lion Heart.

 

Hi Lion Heart,

 

Thank you for this post. It has taken me a long time to process all the implications of what you're saying. I took a lot of these topics into my therapy sessions to figure out what I think about these things...

 

As a woman who has previously been cheated on, prior to having children and with different men than my husband, I fully agree with what you say about a man who cheats on his wife - he should be thrown out. There is no excuse for that.

 

But somehow, the situation I'm in feels totally different. And maybe I'm being sexist for thinking so. I tried to imagine what it would mean for ME to leave the house, because of my emotional affair. I am the primary care taker for our children. I'm a stay at home mom. My husband works long hours, barely sees the kids. So for me to leave, their entire world would turn upside down. Either they would move with me (what's the point of me moving, then?) or they would be taken care of by nannies and babysitters most of the time. Neither of those solutions are viable. It makes more sense for my husband to leave because then the kids' lives would hardly change. I get that it seems like I should go, because I'm the one that "stepped out", but my therapist reminds me that I didn't ACTUALLY have an affair. I texted with a guy I was attracted to. Who made me feel good when my husband didn't. I was an emotional desert and he was a tall drink of water. My husband had equivalent emotional affairs - one with his job, another with his friends, a third with himself (where he put himself ahead of his family time and time again)... So in my case, I don't think it makes sense or would be fair to anyone for me to leave the house. I understand the feeling, but in this case, I just don't think it applies. I think we've cheated on each other.

 

To your point about leaving before having an affair... I think I was about to end the marriage when the OM showed up. I think that's why I was in an emotional place that let me fall for him as hard as I did. I don't have a good reason about why I didn't leave the relationship sooner. I talk about that in therapy a lot. There were a LOT of times when I wanted to leave this relationship, but I didn't. Scared to be on my own, scared of change, scared of hurting him, no where to go... I agree, I should have left earlier. But I didn't. And I think that's one big thing I have to own up to as fault in this whole mess. All the times I should have spoken up and didn't. So I'm doing that now, talking through all those times I felt hurt, abandoned, betrayed, neglected... and it helps me for him to hear about my pain. But I still can only do it during our counseling sessions, when I have somewhere there to help me say the things that are hard to say.

 

My other major contribution to this mess is my need to not hurt my husband. I know that sounds ironic, but it's some leftover junk from having an emotionally incompetent mother and walking on egg shells around her so I did that to my husband, even though I didn't need to. I mean, I tried to protect him by not talking about my own feelings if it was something he was doing that I didn't like. And when you don't talk about hurt feelings, it just builds resentment. So we've got 14 years of that build up to work through.

 

I disagree that the blame for an affair is all on the wandering spouse. I think it depends on the situation. in my case, who was the wanderer? Does it matter who wandered first? I consider my husband to be a WS, just not with another woman. We're both to blame. We got here together, we need to work through it together.

 

I also thought about your suggestion to tell my husband about these posts... I decided not to, not because i have something to hide, I don't, but because I am using this space as another form of individual therapy, to work things out at my speed and in my own way... I think if he starts reading these posts then I'll change how I reply and think about what people say. It's part of our bad dynamic where I think everything he says is true and correct, even if it isn't, so if he starts chiming in, this forum won't be helpful to me anymore. I will probably tell him about it, just not my ID and not the name of the site... but i mean, I rarely talk to him about what I talk about in IC, so from that POV it doesn't make sense, necessarily, to tell him about this...

[bluemood]

Bluemood,

 

I've been reading a lot on this forum over the past couple months, trying to wrap my brain around what I'm going through right now. I'm a woman, in your OM's shoes. From what he's told me, reading your story sounds just like his. If you were a man writing this thread, I'd really think you were him, it's so incredibly similar. The resentment he feels towards his wife is fierce. It sounds like there's been irreparable damage done to their 14 year marriage, and our relationship only magnified the problems in his marriage.

 

But, he chose to end things with me to focus on fixing things with his wife. He's left before, but now that she's "showing up" and they're in counseling, he's working on it. He's still hopeful that he'll get the love back, and wants to make it work, essentially for the children. Because he'd be broke if he left. Because he's afraid of change and of being alone.

 

I don't know how his story will end up. I'm torn; I want him to be happy, but I want to be the one who makes him happy.

 

I wish you both the best of luck.

 

Hi Roseville,

 

Thanks for sharing... Somewhat ironically, my OM was also in a similar situation. When we met, his wife was in the process of kicking him out. We kind of bonded over our similar situations (troubled relationship). But he really wanted to stay with his wife, make it work for the kids. She just wanted him out. And now they are separated. I wanted to run to him and make everything better when I heard that happened, and my husband sensed it, but I didn't. and I still haven't. I'm still working on the marriage. Still hopeful I'll learn to be happy and feel love here. Still not sure if/when that'll happen, but at least it has been so long since I've heard from or seen the OM that his mental presence isn't quite as distracting as it used to be. I can think a bit more clearly now. So I guess that's something. But I miss him. Or at the very least, the idea of him. That feeling of happiness.

[bluemood]

I wonder how much different this would sound if it was your husband telling the story.

 

What I got from reading this is, you did everything right in the marriage and life, your husband did everything wrong. Everything is his fault, even the fact that YOU fell in love with another man.

 

I doubt your marriage has a shot at all, you can't let go of this resentment because you feel you did nothing wrong. Discovering you had a sh*tty marriage after you've been involved in an affair is rewritting the history of your marriage. Its very important for someone like you, by that I mean a perfect person who does nothing wrong. If your marriage was ok it would mean you are the bad guy for cheating, so your marriage was horrible, being married to your husband was akin to being married to Henry the VIII, thus making your affair also his fault.

 

 

DKT3, your comments really stung.

 

But in a necessary way. I brought these ideas to my IC and CC sessions. It turns out my husband felt much the same way. That I was putting all the fault on him and not taking ownership of my role in our relationship. (I'm trying to ignore your venomous tone as I assume that anger is directed towards the person that hurt you, and not me, personally.)

 

So we took some time to consider what my role was. It was very helpful to do that. It got me to a place where I felt comfortable talking about all of my pain in a way that my husband could really hear it.

 

The part I played (as I just mentioned in another comment) is that I never/rarely told my husband when something bothered me. I thought I was protecting him by doing that (which is a coping mechanism I learned as a child to deal with my mother's emotional issues), but it only created a deep resentment in me, and distance in him. He knew I was upset, but never knew why. His contribution to this dynamic is that he never asked. He just assumed that I liked being in a bad mood and left me alone. So we both played equal parts in that.

 

And I also want to note that I did not intentionally write this story in a way that makes my husband a villain and me a saint. I was including details that felt like defining points of the relationship, the ones that someone else might identify with. My goal was to find other people in a similar situation and to draw support from them. I wasn't looking for advice or to be judged. That said, the 'negative' feedback is helpful as it gives me new angles to approach the situation.

 

Thanks for your comments

[bluemood]

I have to agree.

 

You admit there were problems with the relationship before kids, after kids, etc. You've had options throughout. Even now, you have a choice, yet you're choosing to stick around and continue to do what you've been doing the last 14 years. Settle. Why? Maybe, you still love him. Maybe, you're afraid of being alone. Whatever the reason, you are still making the same mistakes....wasting time. Make a choice. Choose to let go of the past and forgive or leave him. Either choice won't be easy but you need to commit to a decision. Otherwise, you will continue to sit in limbo. Can you get past your resentment? Depends on how much you want your relationship to work.

 

 

My goal right now is to work through my issues. I will have to do that whether I'm in the relationship or not. For now, it is best for the kids to be working through my issues while still in the relationship. I agree it isn't really fair to my husband, but he also has free will to leave whenever he wants. At the same time, he understands my position, and for now is willing to wait while I work through my stuff, and while he works through his. Some things just take time. I don't see a reason to pull the trigger when there is still more work to be done. That said, there are days when I say I'm done and want a divorce. And there are days when he says it. But at this moment, we are still together and still doing the work... maybe, hopefully, I'll get to a point where I can make the decision. I'm not exactly sure what has to happen to make that possible. My therapist says that people who get divorced reach a sense of sureness. They're SURE they want to be divorced and its the right thing to do. I haven't had that feeling yet. I've always been unsure. I WANT to be divorced, but I'm not SURE if it's the right thing to do yet.

 

Can you tell me more about why you think it's so important that I make a commitment to the marriage? This is the crux of my husband's frustration, that I won't commit to staying in the marriage. I have committed to doing the work, but won't make a promise that I'm not sure I can keep (to stay married). Why isn't the commitment to do the work enough of a commitment?

[bluemood]

I don't think you will be able to forgive and love him until you forgive yourself.

 

 

You say you were abused, but the reality is you can only be abused for more than once if you allow it.

 

You are probably right about that... Thanks to your comment, and a few others of a similar vein, I have been talking in therapy a lot about my role in this, which is largely that I never spoke up when I was hurting. I did let it happen. It has taken a lot of practice and learning on how to stop that cycle and stand up for myself. I'm getting better at it, but still find myself regressing into the old familiar pattern of silence. Still, identifying this, I think, has helped me to progress forward a bit. Thank you for this observation.

 

You have been keeping score for years, and scoring yourself higher because you feel you have done more work. I'm not negating the work you did, but it wasn't effective work when it came to creating a marriage that you wanted.

 

The work was ineffective because my husband wasn't receptive to it at the time. And as we progress, the work is becoming more and more effective at creating the marriage that I wanted (of course now I'm wondering whether or not that really is the kind of marriage that I want, I fantasized about it for so long that I'm not sure I want it now that I have it...). So, yes, I scored myself higher, but now he is going to IC and CC and his score is rapidly improving!

 

He said that what I was doing in therapy was a waste of time and made me worse rather than better. The truth is that I was learning how to stand up to him, and he didn't like that because he couldn't push me around anymore, and that was a big change that he had to get used to. For him, it was worse. For me, it was better. Now that he has woken up, he understands the work and actually appreciates it when I stand up to him. He understands the benefit now, but it also took a lot of time for him to get to that point.

 

Instead of cheating to wake your husband up you should have told him you were filing for divorce because you couldn't live in the marriage you had anymore.

 

 

You cant forgive him because you cant admit that to yourself yet.

 

I mean, yes, of course you're right. I didn't even know I was having an EA until well after it had already started. And I had been daydreaming about divorce a long while before I met the OM. So while your comment might be true, it's easier said than done. I didn't divorce him for all the typical reasons. Fear of change, fear of what would happen to the kids, fear of where would i go, what would i do, how would i pay for the house. I never felt like leaving was an option. I was financially and emotionally trapped. I didn't want to mess up my kids' lives the way my parents messed up mine. So I didn't leave. And that is something I have to own and come to terms with and really understand. I should have, lots of times, I should have. and I didn't. And I still haven't. Some part of me still hopes that there is a reason I'm with this man in the first place. That the young me saw something that the present me doesn't.

 

Once you acknowledge that what you did didn't work any more than what he did, you can start over and find the love you started out with. When you destroy a marriage, you have to start over with a clean slate or let it go.

 

But he didn't DO anything toward fixing or nurturing or being IN the relationship. I tried really hard! I want credit for my effort! What I did wasn't working because HE wasn't able to receive it! and it ultimately did work. so there, nyah.

 

I'm still not sure we started out with love. I started with 'comfort'. That's part of the reason this is such a struggle for me. I felt love for the OM. It's way different than anything I've ever felt for my husband. Part of me is hoping that what I felt for my husband when I met him is a deeper sort of love, but my fear is that it isn't love at all and I've been conning myself into thinking it is to protect HIS feelings. And still, I wonder, if love is even needed in a relationship that is fine in most other aspects. Love might just be fantasy. Comfort might be the thing that sustains. Or maybe I'm fooling myself still.

[MuddyFootprints]

About his frustration with your quasi-commitment:

 

He needs to know that you are committed to him.

 

Commitment to your marriage is commitment to him.

 

If you can't make that commitment, your marriage is unsafe to him.

 

Either you're in or you're out.