Twigyy Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 Calm down and give this at least a week, see what happens and how you feel. I don't think that in a couple of days you can make a good decision. But do whatever you think that makes you happy. You deserve to be happy. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZiggyZoo Posted April 21, 2015 Author Share Posted April 21, 2015 Ziggy I have read your responses and followed you a bit... So tell me this. If I had posted what you did what would you say to me? It would be along the lines of 1. Calm down 2. Actions speak louder than words 3. You are stronger and more capable than you think. 4. You deserve better This ex of yours sound like a total tool. I am so sorry. Chin up chook. You know, this was exactly where my mind was this morning. The initial "Holy crap, he contacted me!" wore off, and I was back closer to where I had been. To the point where I'm thinking again that I really don't want to be with someone who treated me like that. Because, yes, I DO deserve better. I'm glad that he realized that it was sh*tty, but more for his sake then mine. Maybe the next relationship he's in will benefit from it, and he'll communicate better. I've worked too hard at getting over and healing from what happened to let him back with a letter and a conversation. I don't know if I could ever totally let my guard down and trust that he wasn't going to bail again, and I don't want that. I guess I'm feeling relieved because I honestly can step back and assess this situation with a calm head today. OK, calmER head, I'm still freaking out a little bit. But its nice to know that I am fine with the idea of telling him that I have concerns about the two of us, and won't rush back into anything that's unhealthy. Its like I finally have control over my life. I did before, of course, but I feel like I've passed some sort of test. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZiggyZoo Posted April 21, 2015 Author Share Posted April 21, 2015 Stay strong on Saturday! You can do it! Maybe keep LS open and post a live stream of your conversation so we can give advice and words of encouragement? Ha, I love that idea. I'll be all "Hmmm, I'm going to need a sec to process what you just said. Hang on",then coming on here typing furiously and scanning responses. Like Cyrano DeBergerac. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lumberjac Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 hey Ziggy, saw your thread, read it and just had to log in to leave a reply to show some support! read many of your old posts before and I always see you have a clear mind and a logical thinking in your head. I know this ain't easy for you cause its not just someone's story on LS, this is your own story, but I'm sure whatever decision or approach you make it will be the best for you and your kids. If I were you I would go sit outside under the sun and go through this in your head once again. Think about what happened, the pros and cons if you decide to go back with him, etc.. you know the drill! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 Ziggy, This caught my eye: I get a FB message saying that basically he feels like a bad influence on me since I quit drinking, and that he feels we aren't compatible long-term since I obviously don't like hanging out with him. Is this true? You didn't like hanging out with him, and it was obvious? Here's what I get out of that. Either he's right, or he was being a baby about something and using it as an excuse to get rid of you. I take it the issue is drinking, you'd stopped, he didn't and you didn't like being with a drunk guy, and drunk guys don't like party-poopers. So fundamentally, I can't imagine that much of this has really changed. You should probably meet him at a bar on Saturday night. Plus, that way you'd find out if he has plans after seeing you. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 My understanding of what went down between you at the end: You were waiting to see him in person to tell him about the pregnancy. Due to family/work obligations, you usually only saw each other weekends. Plans -- then a sick child, then your morning sickness -- got in the way and this ended up being delayed for several weeks. During this time, you were giving him "clues" about the pregnancy by telling him you weren't drinking anymore or going out much, just getting to bed early. I'm not saying this guy handled the situation perfectly, or even well -- but I can also see how he might have misinterpreted the situation as your pulling away from him or losing interest in hanging out. The breakup happened without him actually knowing about the pregnancy and he didn't know about it until a few months after, via Facebook messages? So he didn't leave you knowing you were pregnant, which was frankly my biggest beef against the guy. I honestly think both of you were erring on the side of caution here and acting out of hurt feelings and wounded pride, with some misunderstandings thrown in. So I wouldn't call him a *total tool*.... maybe just a *jerk*. I still think the best course is to just hear him out with an open mind, in person or on the phone -- then see how you feel about things then. But reading through your history together, I'm not surprised you're hearing from him again -- and wouldn't be shocked if you ended up getting back together, either. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZiggyZoo Posted April 21, 2015 Author Share Posted April 21, 2015 Ziggy, This caught my eye: Is this true? You didn't like hanging out with him, and it was obvious? Here's what I get out of that. Either he's right, or he was being a baby about something and using it as an excuse to get rid of you. I take it the issue is drinking, you'd stopped, he didn't and you didn't like being with a drunk guy, and drunk guys don't like party-poopers. So fundamentally, I can't imagine that much of this has really changed. You should probably meet him at a bar on Saturday night. Plus, that way you'd find out if he has plans after seeing you. I think that you all know enough of me to know that if I didn't like something, it's be obvious all right! That referred to the fact that I had mentioned I wasn't drinking because I was pregnant. I hadn't told him, I was dying to but wanted it to be in person. So I was dropping little hints like that one. And he basically latched onto it and used it as an excuse to break it off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZiggyZoo Posted April 21, 2015 Author Share Posted April 21, 2015 My understanding of what went down between you at the end: You were waiting to see him in person to tell him about the pregnancy. Due to family/work obligations, you usually only saw each other weekends. Plans -- then a sick child, then your morning sickness -- got in the way and this ended up being delayed for several weeks. During this time, you were giving him "clues" about the pregnancy by telling him you weren't drinking anymore or going out much, just getting to bed early. I'm not saying this guy handled the situation perfectly, or even well -- but I can also see how he might have misinterpreted the situation as your pulling away from him or losing interest in hanging out. The breakup happened without him actually knowing about the pregnancy and he didn't know about it until a few months after, via Facebook messages? So he didn't leave you knowing you were pregnant, which was frankly my biggest beef against the guy. I honestly think both of you were erring on the side of caution here and acting out of hurt feelings and wounded pride, with some misunderstandings thrown in. So I wouldn't call him a *total tool*.... maybe just a *jerk*. I still think the best course is to just hear him out with an open mind, in person or on the phone -- then see how you feel about things then. But reading through your history together, I'm not surprised you're hearing from him again -- and wouldn't be shocked if you ended up getting back together, either. YESSSSS! You nailed it! That is seriously what I've been going through and mulling over this whole time. He didn't know about the pregnancy until he broke it off, and I told him that the reason for all the reasons he had listed for ending it were because of the baby. I basically went NC immediately after, so he didn't have an easy way to respond. My big butt-hurt was that he didn't check in on the baby or anything. And you know, I thought quite a bit that he might feel awful and just not know what to say, so he didn't say anything. He's got a history of being in these terrible relationships, and I'm sure he was scared I'd flip out like his other exs. So I could understand somewhat. The thing was, I was worried I was just making excuses for him, so I never wanted to look at it like that. But it's always been in the back of my mind that it was out of character for the guy I knew Or the guy I thought I knew, since LS is full of stories of people whose exs turned into strangers overnight. So I would fight with forgiving him because I could see how he didn't honestly know what to do and not wanting to be weak and make excuses. If I'm being honest, our biggest problem was our terrible communication. And my pride, yes. There are a number of times where if either one of us had just taken a risk and reached out, it could've been different. So I don't know. Like I said, I can understand why he acted the way he did. But does that excuse the actions? I'm more upset at how he was after we broke up than anything, and I don't know what that means. Which is really him? I guess like EVERYTHING, time will tell. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ravfour4 Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 If the break up was mainly due to miscommunication and some misunderstanding, he didn't leave you knowing you were pregnant and he's coming back saying he wants to care for the baby AND the conversation goes well meaning he's sincere, honest, and what he says makes sense - this thing may have a chance of working out. If he seems wishy washy or confused, I'd back away, even if that's really hard to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 His girlfriend dumped him (for his own brother no less!) so now he wants back into the comfortable home he had. Deny his request and delete the message, it's 100% lies. In February you wrote a thread and said you fell out of love anyway. Why waste your time with someone like him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 Who are we kidding? Once the BF/GF dynamic changes, this **** almost never works out. But for the sake of the child, I suppose you have to find out for sure, and even if it doesn't, he might want his role as the child's father, so it's not like you can necessarily avoid him forever. I think you almost have to hear him out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dyna85 Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 His girlfriend dumped him (for his own brother no less!) so now he wants back into the comfortable home he had. Deny his request and delete the message, it's 100% lies. In February you wrote a thread and said you fell out of love anyway. Why waste your time with someone like him? No limit, that was her ex husband, not this guy. Her ex husband (who cheated on ZiggyZoo) was cheated on by the woman for whom he left Ziggy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZiggyZoo Posted April 21, 2015 Author Share Posted April 21, 2015 His girlfriend dumped him (for his own brother no less!) so now he wants back into the comfortable home he had. Deny his request and delete the message, it's 100% lies. In February you wrote a thread and said you fell out of love anyway. Why waste your time with someone like him? Yeah, that WAS my ex husband. But you're absolutely right, I have fallen out of love with this ex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 I'm new to this thread so I'm just making sure I got this right. You have one or more children with an exhusband whom you left because you fell out of love, and you have a baby on the way with a new guy who you never married, may still be in love with but he dumped you, although he didn't know were pregnant when he broke it off, and now he wants another chance. I say give him another chance. Do you really want to be a single mother to all of these children from different fathers if there's a possibility that at least one of them can have the benefit of two loving parents? Think of your child, not your pride. So what, he made a few mistakes, he wants to redeem himself. What do you have to lose by giving him the opportunity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZiggyZoo Posted April 21, 2015 Author Share Posted April 21, 2015 I'm new to this thread so I'm just making sure I got this right. You have one or more children with an exhusband whom you left because you fell out of love, and you have a baby on the way with a new guy who you never married, may still be in love with but he dumped you, although he didn't know were pregnant when he broke it off, and now he wants another chance. I say give him another chance. Do you really want to be a single mother to all of these children from different fathers if there's a possibility that at least one of them can have the benefit of two loving parents? Think of your child, not your pride. So what, he made a few mistakes, he wants to redeem himself. What do you have to lose by giving him the opportunity. Eh, sort of. I have three children with my ex-husband who left me for another woman three and a half years ago. I'm way over that, it has no relation to this current situation. But yes, my recent ex had dumped me before I could tell him I was pregnant and I have fallen out of love with him. He contacted me and yes, wants another chance. I have no problem with being a single mother, first of all, if it means that I don't have to settle for a relationship that I'm not sure of. I've done it already fairly successfully for the last three years or so. I have no hard feelings towards my ex, so the relationship we'll have as co-parents will not be a problem. The romantic one though will take some doing, and I'll hear him out at least. But I'm not giving him a second chance just for the baby's sake. That's ridiculous. Besides, I don't think that one need be in a relationship for a child to benefit from two loving parents. Why would a parent stop loving their child just because they were no longer with their partner? Even my ex-husband and I, despite all the sh*t he pulled on me, have managed to keep the children out of that. Two adults shouldn't have any issues there whatsoever. Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 I thought you had fallen out of love with your exhusband. If you no longer love the father of your unborn child well then it's probably pointless to go any further. But this falling out of love must have been rather sudden, certainly you loved him when you decided to conceive a baby with him, no? Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 Besides, I don't think that one need be in a relationship for a child to benefit from two loving parents.Except now, child #4 may not have what #1 - #3 have. His situation is TBD, and while your ex-H may be a kind soul and treat him kindly, as his kids' sibling, there can be very real limits to this kindness that will not go unnoticed. It's possible s/he ends up feeling like an outsider. Have you discussed any of this at all with the ex-H? I don't really need to know, but I thought I'd throw that out there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZiggyZoo Posted April 21, 2015 Author Share Posted April 21, 2015 I thought you had fallen out of love with your exhusband. If you no longer love the father of your unborn child well then it's probably pointless to go any further. But this falling out of love must have been rather sudden, certainly you loved him when you decided to conceive a baby with him, no? Yes, it happened very deliberately during my four months' of NC. I was very much in love with him when this baby was conceived, still in love a few months ago. Like I said, I don't have any hard feelings towards him now, but no romantic ones either. Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 It's scary how quickly feelings can change. Here you are thinking you'll be with this guy forever, raise one or more children together, you get pregnant with high hopes for the future, and a few short months later you have no interest in being with him any more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZiggyZoo Posted April 21, 2015 Author Share Posted April 21, 2015 Except now, child #4 may not have what #1 - #3 have. His situation is TBD, and while your ex-H may be a kind soul and treat him kindly, as his kids' sibling, there can be very real limits to this kindness that will not go unnoticed. It's possible s/he ends up feeling like an outsider. Have you discussed any of this at all with the ex-H? I don't really need to know, but I thought I'd throw that out there. Hmmm, I guess I didn't think of that. I am actually confident that my ex-boyfriend (#4s dad) is going to step up and be a great father. He's got full custody of his daughter, whose mom is a junkie and currently in jail. He's been a single parent himself for years, and knows how hard it can be. And surprisingly, my ex-husband has been really good throughout all this too. In the beginning, when my "morning" sickness was bad, he took the girls to his place for supper most nights so I didn't have to cook. It's funny to think that a few years ago I absolutely hated him, and with this whole mess, he really stepped up and helped me out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZiggyZoo Posted April 21, 2015 Author Share Posted April 21, 2015 (edited) It's scary how quickly feelings can change. Here you are thinking you'll be with this guy forever, raise one or more children together, you get pregnant with high hopes for the future, and a few short months later you have no interest in being with him any more. I don't find it scary at all. And it didn't just happen, it took a lot of doing on my part to get there. I'm pretty proud of my progress, actually. I learned a lot from my divorce, about how it is possible to fall out of love with someone. I had hoped I wouldn't have to use that experience again, but I'm glad at least that I knew how to. Edited April 21, 2015 by ZiggyZoo Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 I read your back story, and I wasn't surprised to learn that you were only together as a couple for 8 months before you got pregnant. It's just not enough time to know if this is the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with.. but I guess you know this now, like you said you've learned from the experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZiggyZoo Posted April 21, 2015 Author Share Posted April 21, 2015 I read your back story, and I wasn't surprised to learn that you were only together as a couple for 8 months before you got pregnant. It's just not enough time to know if this is the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with.. but I guess you know this now, like you said you've learned from the experience. Not sure I get your meaning about not being surprised we were only together eight months before I got pregnant. I don't see the relation between length of time together as a couple (we were friends for over a year before being romantically involved, as I'm sure you also read) has to do with an unexpected pregnancy. Which it most certainly was, FWIW. I wasn't aware that the length of a given relationship had any bearing whatsoever on an increase in the likelihood of the female partner becoming pregnant. Huh. I also don't recall ever saying that he and I had discussed spending the rest of our lives together. I am in complete agreement that eight months isn't enough time to make such a decision. Which is, again, why I hadn't made it. Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 I didn't realize the pregnancy was an accident. That puts things in a different light. Obviously after such a short time together you don't really know a person and the additional weight of a lifetime responsibility is enough to strain even the best relationship. I wasn't aware that the length of a given relationship had any bearing whatsoever on an increase in the likelihood of the female partner becoming pregnant. Huh The longer a couple is together and having unprotected sex, the greater the chance of an accidental pregnancy, for whatever that's worth. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 Yeah, that WAS my ex husband. But you're absolutely right, I have fallen out of love with this ex. M'kay, then I just messed them up. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
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