Married Female Co‒Worker ... Need Help

[unseendamage]

HI There,

I am ready to tell this story ... I am unable to bounce off any ideas from close friends as this feels quiet out of my depth in terms of uncomfortable.

 

I am a 38 y.o. male, currently single and have been with my current employer for about 8 years now. People usually describe me as easy going, down to earth, friendly/social type of guy with a good sense of humor. WHile I don't consider myself attractive (though I do get the odd compliment from females every now and then), I don't put too much thought into it or brag about it.

 

My pain is a 51 y.o. married woman with 3 kids that we share the workplace with. I consider her as a good friend and we've had countless discussions during the last 2 years where we disclosed our struggles at work due to impossibility to move ahead in our careers. THis is due to factors that I will not discuss here. I guess the work situation has somewhat brought us closer maybe .... ???

WHen I joined this employer 7 years ago, to me, this woman was your typical housewife ie. wearing long dresses, little to no make up, leading a busy family life, almost unnoticeable.

HOwever, during the last 2 years she began a transition into a management role and she's changed quiet a lot ie. she's more outgoing, flirty and dressses very sexy ie. short skirts, makeup and she does make every man that crosses her path to turn around so to speak.

 

Due to the company restructure and the way that things unfolded, I found myself into a position where I wanted to progress my career but couldn't.

Many days I would feel down, almost depressed to the point that I wasn't even paying attention to who was talking to me.

And this woman, she would visit me (sometimes multiple times during the day) to see how I feel, and try to encourage me to take a certain career path and help me out??.

She struggled a lot too so when I knew she was feeling down, I would ask her to have a break and we go away and talk it out with the intent to try to make her feel better.

So,during the last 2 months, I came to the conclusion that I was starting to have feelings for this woman. She's smart, sexy, successful and good looking and a good friend.

The following is what I have been experiencing all this time but it dawned on me about 2 months ago:

+ she goes out of her way to help me

+ initiates conversation via company chat program to say hello and see how I feel or to ask why I feel down on a particular day

+ i feel a very strong attarctive force when she's close to me

+ when she comes to my desk, she would take my pen, write things down for me and we almost touch fingers and hands

+ she would lean over me and read stuff off my computer screen when I show her something (inside my personal space)

+ she comes over and initiates a random conversation eg. her daughter went camping, her son went overseas trip etc.

+ I would be in the kitchen making tea and she would follow soon and sits down/comes close to me and we start talking

+ she comes to my desk (I have a visitors chair), sits down and we chat for 45 mins to 1 hour. Short skirt is there, we get close to each other almost but not touching

+ and most obvious to me of all, that eye contact which is a complete "lock on" every time we talk. This is what gets me the most.

 

Last week, I tried to "step back" and for 1 day when she worked from home. I did not contact her at all. The following day, around mid morning, we bumped into each other ie. I was coming back from the kitchen and she was going to the kitchen. After she got her cup of tea, she came to my desk and we chatted for 1 hour. She looked very sexy, was wearing a short skirt and we were very close to each other the whole time, eyes locked. Then, again in the afternoon, met in the hallway and chatted some more. SO, as much as I try to take a step back, i'd have a break for 1 day and then the next say she comes for a visit and pulls me in.

 

HOw do I read this? does anyone have any ideas/comments?

What should be my next step? What should I do/not do?

Ultimately, I want things to go back to normal as they used to be because it is becoming more difficult for me every day. I don't see a way forward....

IF I decide to ask her to move friendship to the next level, does anyone have any idea how I can test it first? I don't want to ruin our relationship....

Edited April 21, 2015 by unseendamage

[GoldieLox]

You read this as... she is married. With kids. And off-limits.

 

You two had a friendship and found comfort in each other, bonding over your mutual work problems. It needs to end there. A lot of women find the attention they get flattering when they dress sexy and flirt. We aren't in her head, so we don't know what her intentions are. She could just be one of those women. She could be looking for an affair. Who knows. What I do know is several things: first, you do not want to take this anywhere near "the next level". Read the stories of people on this board regarding having affairs at work. Some of them get fired, some of them quit. If they still work there, most of the time, they wish they didn't. Things turn messy, things turn awkward. Secondly, you won't find much advise here about what you should do to "take things to the next level" with a married woman. This forum is full of betrayed and wayward spouses whom are living in their own hellish nightmare, albeit on totally opposite ends of the spectrum, some through no fault of their own, others through total fault of their own. I digress. Thirdly, if it truly is becoming that difficult for you, I wholeheartedly suggest you try and look for a new job for your own sanity. No one or nothing is worth losing your well being and lively-hood over. Most work place affairs end in one, the other, or both. None of this is probably what you want to hear, but the thing I hate most here is people back here in weeks or months and us saying "told ya so". It honestly makes me a bit sad.

Edited April 21, 2015 by GoldieLox

[Rainbowlove]

My pain is a 51 y.o. married woman with 3 kids

 

The name of our username is all you need to know.

 

Stop there.

 

Unseendamage.

 

Read around these forums and in infidelity.

 

If you care about this woman at all, you will leave her alone and not add fuel to the fire. She's married with kids. Enough said.

 

Stop thinking with your little head and use the one on your shoulders.

 

Capisce?

[anika99]

She is married with kids. If you have any respect or care for her you will not invite her to do something that could harm her family. If you are unhappy in your current position at your current job then it's time to start do something to change that instead of just complaining about it to your married coworker. Spending hours of company time having personal conversations with your crush will not fix your career woes.

[mokamint7]

I would stay clear of going farther if at all possible. I know that's easier said than done when you both feel an intense attraction to each other. Me personally I never want to look back and wish I had done something in life. But at the same time she has children and my heart goes out to them first and foremost. Being as she's the one married if anything does end up happening let her be the one to make the first move. Don't lure her into something you're not 100% sure she wants. Good luck!

[loveboid]

None of those things you listed sound romantic to me. Keep it professional. Do your job.

[Friskyone4u]

There is obviously something going on in her marriage. Changing appearance and dressing like that means she is either already having an affair of looking for one . Not sure what your workplace fraternization rules are but you are heading down a dangerous path. Could wind up costing you your job

Like someone else said, find your own sex partner and tell your head below the waist to leave it alone.

[FusionCutter]

HI There,

I am ready to tell this story ... I am unable to bounce off any ideas from close friends as this feels quiet out of my depth in terms of uncomfortable.

 

I am a 38 y.o. male, currently single and have been with my current employer for about 8 years now. People usually describe me as easy going, down to earth, friendly/social type of guy with a good sense of humor. WHile I don't consider myself attractive (though I do get the odd compliment from females every now and then), I don't put too much thought into it or brag about it.

 

My pain is a 51 y.o. married woman with 3 kids that we share the workplace with. I consider her as a good friend and we've had countless discussions during the last 2 years where we disclosed our struggles at work due to impossibility to move ahead in our careers. THis is due to factors that I will not discuss here. I guess the work situation has somewhat brought us closer maybe .... ???

WHen I joined this employer 7 years ago, to me, this woman was your typical housewife ie. wearing long dresses, little to no make up, leading a busy family life, almost unnoticeable.

HOwever, during the last 2 years she began a transition into a management role and she's changed quiet a lot ie. she's more outgoing, flirty and dressses very sexy ie. short skirts, makeup and she does make every man that crosses her path to turn around so to speak.

 

Due to the company restructure and the way that things unfolded, I found myself into a position where I wanted to progress my career but couldn't.

Many days I would feel down, almost depressed to the point that I wasn't even paying attention to who was talking to me.

And this woman, she would visit me (sometimes multiple times during the day) to see how I feel, and try to encourage me to take a certain career path and help me out??.

She struggled a lot too so when I knew she was feeling down, I would ask her to have a break and we go away and talk it out with the intent to try to make her feel better.

So,during the last 2 months, I came to the conclusion that I was starting to have feelings for this woman. She's smart, sexy, successful and good looking and a good friend.

The following is what I have been experiencing all this time but it dawned on me about 2 months ago:

+ she goes out of her way to help me

+ initiates conversation via company chat program to say hello and see how I feel or to ask why I feel down on a particular day

+ i feel a very strong attarctive force when she's close to me

+ when she comes to my desk, she would take my pen, write things down for me and we almost touch fingers and hands

+ she would lean over me and read stuff off my computer screen when I show her something (inside my personal space)

+ she comes over and initiates a random conversation eg. her daughter went camping, her son went overseas trip etc.

+ I would be in the kitchen making tea and she would follow soon and sits down/comes close to me and we start talking

+ she comes to my desk (I have a visitors chair), sits down and we chat for 45 mins to 1 hour. Short skirt is there, we get close to each other almost but not touching

+ and most obvious to me of all, that eye contact which is a complete "lock on" every time we talk. This is what gets me the most.

 

Last week, I tried to "step back" and for 1 day when she worked from home. I did not contact her at all. The following day, around mid morning, we bumped into each other ie. I was coming back from the kitchen and she was going to the kitchen. After she got her cup of tea, she came to my desk and we chatted for 1 hour. She looked very sexy, was wearing a short skirt and we were very close to each other the whole time, eyes locked. Then, again in the afternoon, met in the hallway and chatted some more. SO, as much as I try to take a step back, i'd have a break for 1 day and then the next say she comes for a visit and pulls me in.

 

HOw do I read this? does anyone have any ideas/comments?

What should be my next step? What should I do/not do?

Ultimately, I want things to go back to normal as they used to be because it is becoming more difficult for me every day. I don't see a way forward....

IF I decide to ask her to move friendship to the next level, does anyone have any idea how I can test it first? I don't want to ruin our relationship....

 

Think very carefully about it. Can you list out all the possibilities of what you think could happen?

[gettingstronger]

I have close work friends and I would be offended as married woman if they came on to me. I feel like you should not read so much in to any of her actions as they may not pertain to you.

[MuddyRock]

She has been promoted. That usually requires a bit of an upgrade in clothes and make up ect. Or maybe the promotion has made her self image improve. People saying she is looking for an affair due to this, may be a stretch.

I don't think she is doing anything to indicate she wants an affair. I think the o.p. is reading into it. I bet if he told her this he would creep her out. But maybe not, and why would anyone want to do that anyway.

[adna89]

she is 51 you are 38,,she is married you are single

 

 

she is too old for you ,why would you destroy her marriage for a short term thing? its selfish

[loveweary11]

Chatting for an hour each day??

 

Jetson!!!!!

[Satu]

Be a man, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and do what you know is right.

 

This is a test of character.

 

Don't fail the test.

[whichwayisup]

Married with 3 kids. She's moved up the chain at work. Your work reputation is at risk. Do you want to be 'that' guy who knowingly goes after a married woman with 3 kids? Come on, you know better. She is not available to you, so whatever 'game' she's playing, coy/flirty etc is dangerous. Sure you two sit and talk personal stuff but she is in NO position to be offering herself up to you!

 

Chances are, she's bored at home, has no intention of leaving or divorcing her husband so on some level this new found 'friendship' feeds her ego, makes her feel good and is an escape. What she is doing is wrong and stupid, don't go down that path. You will get hurt.

 

People at work probably suspect 'something' is up with you two, I mean she pops by to talk to you a lot, who has time to sit and talk at work for an hour? Do you want to be office gossip?

 

I hope you distance yourself from her, detach and if you want to date people, meet others through friends, parties or even online dating sites. Stay away from this married woman.

[sandylee1]

No good can come of it and while she may be interested in you, it would only be as a fling. She talks about her kids letting you know her status clearly, so your under no illusions.

 

Distance yourself and focus on your career. There are plenty single women out there that you could connect with if you gave it a chance.

 

You really don't want to go to the next level. She's highly unlikely to level and be a bit on the side. That will only cause you hurt.

[Popsicle]

You just need to get out and date single women more. Put effort into it. Talk to single women and make a connection with them. This older married woman is a dead end, not to mention a world of trouble.