ImASensitiveGuy Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 We've dated through college for 5 years now and I bought the ring back in August. I love her, but I feel like an idiot for several reasons. 1. She's recently started going to a different church (non-denominational) with her mother, and this concerns me because we will go to church alone in the future and how we raise our kids is another issue. 2. She has a very defensive personality and it's become more apparent the more independent she has gotten, and I just see this leading to arguments in the future (note she wonders why people bitch at her) 3. She doesn't understand or just doesn't try to understand what I do or what my hobbies are, but I make an effort to ask her all about hers (more situational than a principle issue) Although I love her and I want to work through these issues, it scares me that these things might never change and I will have made a bad decision. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 Time to sit down and tell her what you have told us. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 If you don't, then don't, and as road said, time to have a talk with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Thicke2013 Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 Is it possible that these issues are coming about now because you are afraid of the commitment? If the answer is no and these issues are really that big of a deal with you then it is time to sit down and have a candid conversation with her about them. Also, if and when you get engaged I would recommend premarital counseling from someone that neither of you know and will ask and make the two of you answer the hard questions. Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 From just the small pieces you have told I wonder why you would want to marry her. You guys don't have the same hobbies interests or religion. Her personality is already slightly abrasive to you. That's the majority of a relationship once the newness of the sex wears off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Donate Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 Do not do it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 don't do it. focus on these issues and see if you can work through them. Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 Research shows misgivings before the wedding do not go away during the marriage. These misgivings end up being the reason for the divorce. Save yourself time, don't do it. Link to post Share on other sites
bachdude Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 We've dated through college for 5 years now and I bought the ring back in August. I love her, but I feel like an idiot for several reasons. 1. She's recently started going to a different church (non-denominational) with her mother, and this concerns me because we will go to church alone in the future and how we raise our kids is another issue. 2. She has a very defensive personality and it's become more apparent the more independent she has gotten, and I just see this leading to arguments in the future (note she wonders why people bitch at her) 3. She doesn't understand or just doesn't try to understand what I do or what my hobbies are, but I make an effort to ask her all about hers (more situational than a principle issue) Although I love her and I want to work through these issues, it scares me that these things might never change and I will have made a bad decision. Concern No.1: If the church you both go to is very important to you, and you both have strong misgivings about each other's church, it could easily turn into a holy war right in your own house with the children caught in the middle. If the kids see tension or feel tension between Mom and Dad over what church to go to, you may turn the kids off altogether. This definitely needs to be worked out before you get married. But, it can be worked out! Sometimes it is possible to find a church that both can approve of. Concern No. 2:Interesting you say her defensiveness has gotten worse as she has gotten more independent. Could you give a specific example? Has she communicated why she is defensive? Why would she get defensive when she is more independent? Would you by chance be challenging her independence? Concern 3: This may be a symptom of a deeper problem. What is your sense of how happy she is in the relationship? Usually, if a person loves the other, is passionate about the other, they take an interest in these things. Maybe she loves you but is a bit self absorbed, sorry to say. I would think it's worth a shot to have a heart to heart talk. You've already invested a lot of time into the relationship. And how you two can communicate and work through issues now will say a lot about how the marriage will go. Maybe the talk will surprise you and go very well and your concerns will disappear. But in the end, if your gut is still not comfortable after talking it through, you may want to consider moving on. A break up after 5 years is hard, but not nearly as hard as a miserable marriage and a possible divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 Although I love her and I want to work through these issues, it scares me that these things might never change and I will have made a bad decision. Considering you're in the time when love should be free-flowing and natural, you've got an awful lot of baggage to carry into the start of a marriage. I'd at least postpone any thoughts of engagement and nuptials until you've worked through the issues. If she's really the "one", wouldn't be this hard... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Pinkdisney Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 If you feel as if you are "settling" when you're getting married, and you have this many doubts, the answer would be a resounding no. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 Sometimes love isn't enough to keep a couple together. If your lives don't mesh well and it sounds like things are changing, you're having these second thoughts which is a good thing. She dismisses your hobbies and on some level you. It's her way or nothing. She doesn't seem to compromise and she puts herself first...In a marriage there's compromising, giving and a lot of times putting someone else's needs above your own. Is she willing to do that? Don't beat yourself up over this. Be honest and talk to her, tell her your fears. Maybe she'll want to change her ways, listen to you, and together you two can figure it out. go to couples counseling, if you feel she's worth it. IF not, then it's OK to end things. People grow and change, sometimes they grow together and sometimes they grow apart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImASensitiveGuy Posted April 22, 2015 Author Share Posted April 22, 2015 Concern No.1: If the church you both go to is very important to you, and you both have strong misgivings about each other's church, it could easily turn into a holy war right in your own house with the children caught in the middle. If the kids see tension or feel tension between Mom and Dad over what church to go to, you may turn the kids off altogether. This definitely needs to be worked out before you get married. But, it can be worked out! Sometimes it is possible to find a church that both can approve of. Concern No. 2:Interesting you say her defensiveness has gotten worse as she has gotten more independent. Could you give a specific example? Has she communicated why she is defensive? Why would she get defensive when she is more independent? Would you by chance be challenging her independence? Concern 3: This may be a symptom of a deeper problem. What is your sense of how happy she is in the relationship? Usually, if a person loves the other, is passionate about the other, they take an interest in these things. Maybe she loves you but is a bit self absorbed, sorry to say. I would think it's worth a shot to have a heart to heart talk. You've already invested a lot of time into the relationship. And how you two can communicate and work through issues now will say a lot about how the marriage will go. Maybe the talk will surprise you and go very well and your concerns will disappear. But in the end, if your gut is still not comfortable after talking it through, you may want to consider moving on. A break up after 5 years is hard, but not nearly as hard as a miserable marriage and a possible divorce. I think we will be able to work things out, having taken a look at the larger perspective at play. It's definitely something I'm trying to move into talking about, as I'm currently sorting through a variety of topics and telling her what my solid opinion is and vice versa. She gets defensive over things if they are not broken down simply and specifically. If I tell her that something she does upsets me, she'll ask for specific examples of where, when, and how, and unless I have those on the spot, she tells me "Well I don't know what to say because you aren't giving me specific examples". And it just ends up being a reclusive/defensive uphill battle. I usually just end up coming out with it and telling her it's how I feel, and that the specifics don't matter. She loves me and at times tries to take interest in what I do, but yes, she is self-absorbed on a minor level. I do not think there is the need to break things off, but it's definitely time to push the limits and lay everything on the table. Sometimes love isn't enough to keep a couple together. If your lives don't mesh well and it sounds like things are changing, you're having these second thoughts which is a good thing. She dismisses your hobbies and on some level you. It's her way or nothing. She doesn't seem to compromise and she puts herself first...In a marriage there's compromising, giving and a lot of times putting someone else's needs above your own. Is she willing to do that? Don't beat yourself up over this. Be honest and talk to her, tell her your fears. Maybe she'll want to change her ways, listen to you, and together you two can figure it out. go to couples counseling, if you feel she's worth it. IF not, then it's OK to end things. People grow and change, sometimes they grow together and sometimes they grow apart. Compromising is not her strong point, but she is open to the discussion. I'm currently in the process of discussing our sex life and everything down the road. Because as it is, our sex life has been her way or the highway (because I'm open to everything, but she has all these rules). So I'm trying to break that down piece by piece, and while I do not like some things, no one is going to be perfect and I just have to accept the fact that our sex life will lack in certain areas (but obviously will still be great ) I'm not beating myself up too much, and I am being upfront with her as much as I can be. I want to work out as much as I can before I propose, and if all is well and I do end up proposing, then couples counseling / pre-engagement counseling will be the #1 priority. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 So I'm trying to break that down piece by piece, and while I do not like some things, no one is going to be perfect and I just have to accept the fact that our sex life will lack in certain areas (but obviously will still be great ) From someone who has been there, I think you should not propose. The things you listed don't get better after marriage; they get 200% worse. And then other things get worse too. Take it from people who have been there - you are likely to be sorry in 5, 10, or more years. If you are having issues in a premarital relationship, then you can count on those just getting MUCH worse after decades of marriage, and you can count on other issues to come up too. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 I agree with Hope. People are who they are and if they are stubborn, have trouble compromising and put themselves first most of the time, it's really hard to change those qualities unless they want to. Link to post Share on other sites
Thicke2013 Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 OP I think you are going about it the correct way. I will respectfully disagree on some level with others here while in some ways agree with them also. Disagree. I disagree wholeheartedly with those who say don't propose or break it off. There is no one that is perfect for you. You want someone who is different than you who challenges you to look at the world differently and allows you to see things from a different perspective and point of view. It's refreshing. You don't throw away a great relationship (and I'm assuming that other than the issues that you are here seeking advice on it is a great relationship or you wouldn't even be considering engagement let alone marriage) simply because you have some issues. You so what you are doing now and try to get to the bottom of them and work them out with each other. That is what will build a strong union and one day a marriage. If you run away from every woman because they have things about them that you don't like or drive you crazy then prepared to be single for the rest of your life! LOL Agree. I will agree that issues before marriage do not go away and are quite magnified. Once you have tried to work through issues and if then it still seems that they are too large to overcome or the two of you are just too different on these issues then I would suggest that the both of you move on and find someone that you are more compatible with. If you try to force it thinking "oh I love her enough that it won't matter" you will be sorry I believe. Stay the course for now OP and don't be to eager to "pop the question". Talk things out, get your answers, and then make the best decision for you! Good luck OP. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TintedChrome Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Regarding just #3. Does she just not understand the appeal of your hobbies, OR , does she not respect them and find them offensive? BIG difference. Example: my mom loved gardening and grew beautiful flowers and shrubs and vegetables. My dad was totally not into it. He didnt know a cactus from a carrot. But he would bring her topsoil and manure from the garden nursery and let her do her thing. He never said shes wasting her time or gardening is for losers or any such comments. They appreciated some time away from each other in that Way. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts