Talvez Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 I'm a 27 year old man, and last August (2014) I was supposed to get married. Anyway, I broke up the engagement in July because it was the right thing to do. It would've been a lie if I marry her. We broke up. It was a really hurtful period of both of our lives. On December, she tells me that she's 5 and a half months pregnant and that the kid is mine. Obviously, I was furious because she waited so long to tell me. I had to put all my feelings aside, because I didn't want to affect her pregnancy. I asked her that I wanted a DNA test, and she refused. She gave me 2 options. Option 1: Get back together and start a family. Option 2: Refuse to get back together with her, and she doesn't want me to involved in the kid's life. I chose to not get back together, but I want to be a part of my kid's life. But I need to know if the kid is mine. The baby was born already, and she has disconnected her phone number, and moved with her mom. I haven't seen the baby, and I'm not even sure if the birth certificate was already signed by a "Voluntary Father". What can I do? How do I get a DNA test? Can she legally do this? Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 You did the right thing, she's a manipulative one isn't she. Gosh, I'm definitely not well versed in law - but it seems easy enough when a woman wants to court order a man for a paternity test but not so much when a man, YOU, wants a paternity test for a woman's, HER, baby. If I were you, I would speak with a lawyer to discuss all of your options because if/when the child does turn out to be yours she will certainly NOT play nicely. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 You need to talk to an attorney because the laws on paternity will vary by location. If your ex refuses to cooperate, you may need to file a paternity suit to get a court order forcing her to submit the child for DNA testing. An attorney can tell you all the ins and outs of this. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Talvez Posted April 21, 2015 Author Share Posted April 21, 2015 Thank you so much for your advice!!!! I understand that she might still be hurt because I didn't marry her, but what's she's doing right now it's not right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Talvez Posted April 21, 2015 Author Share Posted April 21, 2015 Thank you, Clia. I didn't want to go that route, but she left me no options. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 Do you have any verifiable proof that a child was born to her? Generally, birth records can be accessed in the county where the birth certificate was recorded. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Talvez Posted April 21, 2015 Author Share Posted April 21, 2015 Carhill, I don't have verifiable proof. I know the baby was born but I don't know when. She didn't tell me. I'll look it and see if I can find something. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 I mention these factors due to the word 'manipulation?' being used in the title.... Any pictures of her being pregnant? Pictures of her and the baby? Etc, etc. Manipulation is a tool to effect a goal. You know her, your past relationship and her statements and/or actions regarding her goals. If your goal is to be involved in the life of the apparent child, the first step is to establish he or she exists. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 I would think that if it was yours and she was mad she'd be dragging you into court for child support. Especially if she had to move back with her mom. =/ I'd go and knock on her mom's door and find out what I could, then take it from there. It seems premature to get a lawyer involved knowing as little as you do. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 I would think that if it was yours and she was mad she'd be dragging you into court for child support. Especially if she had to move back with her mom. =/ I'd go and knock on her mom's door and find out what I could, then take it from there. It seems premature to get a lawyer involved knowing as little as you do. I actually disagree. Given how she acted in December, it's probably better if Talvez doesn't interact with her and leaves that up to his lawyer. The lawyer is not emotionally invested in any of this, so it will be less stressful for Talvez. I really don't think showing up unannounced at her mother's house is the way to go. Things could get emotional and ugly. She told Talvez he was the father of the baby, he knows a baby was born in the right timeframe, so that should be enough to get things rolling along. After receiving a letter from Talvez's attorney, she may decide to cooperate. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 Yeah, since the OP has apparently chosen this option: Option 2: Refuse to get back together with her, and she doesn't want me to involved in the kid's life. Remaining out of contact would align with and respect that option and remain consistent in action. My suggestion was actually an outgrowth of interactions with my own lawyer (in another matter of law but requiring similar verification) where he suggested that I could pay him 350per for him to acquire the information or I could do it myself. He was fine with either path. Hence, I offered the option in the spirit of economy, especially if the existence of the child has not been established independently. While experience varies, I know how much I paid to retain my law firm and I certainly wouldn't piss a retainer away unless I was certain of the matters at law needing addressing. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 I actually disagree. Given how she acted in December, it's probably better if Talvez doesn't interact with her and leaves that up to his lawyer. The lawyer is not emotionally invested in any of this, so it will be less stressful for Talvez. I really don't think showing up unannounced at her mother's house is the way to go. Things could get emotional and ugly. She told Talvez he was the father of the baby, he knows a baby was born in the right timeframe, so that should be enough to get things rolling along. After receiving a letter from Talvez's attorney, she may decide to cooperate. Interacting with her through a lawyer is still interacting with her, and I don't see how spending a boatload of money on a lawyer to go through a paternity suit is really any less stressful than just showing up at her house. She, or her mom might even just fess up once he brings up getting lawyers involved. Or maybe he'll even get a glimpse of the kid and it won't even be the same race he is. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 Interacting with her through a lawyer is still interacting with her, and I don't see how spending a boatload of money on a lawyer to go through a paternity suit is really any less stressful than just showing up at her house. She, or her mom might even just fess up once he brings up getting lawyers involved. Or maybe he'll even get a glimpse of the kid and it won't even be the same race he is. It's less stressful because Talvez is not directly involved in the interactions. HIs lawyer will treat it as a professional transaction without the emotion. If Talvez gets involved, it will likely get very emotional and messy. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 This woman tried to manipulate the OP into marrying her. Who's to say that she was pregnant AT ALL? OP, how do you "know" that a baby was born? I would personally go with the route of showing up at her doorstep first and see where that goes. Be calm and polite, but firm. No matter what, though, don't let that visit spiral out of control and leave when asked. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Well if she was just after him for money I could understand the suspicion that she might be lying about having had a baby but since want she is after is to have the OP come back and be with her again, it's unlikely that she made up the birth story. I mean if the OP agreed to get back together with her and she didn't have a baby that she claimed to have then the OP would just walk away from her again. So either she had a baby or she is the stupidest manipulator/liar in the world. Like all the others, I would suggest you call a lawyer. Link to post Share on other sites
badpenny Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 If the OP has no intention of getting back together with the (apparent) mother, even if a child exists, and he is established as the father, it still doesn't guarantee him any right or privilege to be in touch with, or in contact with, or even connected with the child, if she won't permit it in any way. So, much as I do sympathise with the OP, establishing the existence and parenthood, would merely satisfy a curiosity, and may prove expensive into the bargain. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 A woman is always sure a baby is hers, if it exists. A father is never sure of either, especially if in the OP's circumstance where they broke up and a pregnancy is announced but apparently not observed personally, some 4-5 months after the purported father broke off the engagement. Since guys generally don't piss away engagements lightly, and the pregnancy purportedly occurred very close to the time the engagement ended, it would be interesting to analyze the whys and timelines more precisely. I mention this in light of the father's request for a DNA test and her refusal to cooperate and subsequent offer of 'options'. Scary version? Some other guy is the father, if the baby exists. Happens! Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 At this point do not contact her. Best thing to do is get advice from an attorney then think things over. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 If the OP has no intention of getting back together with the (apparent) mother, even if a child exists, and he is established as the father, it still doesn't guarantee him any right or privilege to be in touch with, or in contact with, or even connected with the child, if she won't permit it in any way. So, much as I do sympathise with the OP, establishing the existence and parenthood, would merely satisfy a curiosity, and may prove expensive into the bargain. If he's the father he has the same rights to custody and visitation that she does, as long as the court views him as an equally fit parent. But it does seem like there's pretty much no benefit in this for him. Either the kids not his and he ends up wasting a ton of time and possibly money, or it is and he's stuck with a child support bill for the next 18 years, maybe even longer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 If the OP has no intention of getting back together with the (apparent) mother, even if a child exists, and he is established as the father, it still doesn't guarantee him any right or privilege to be in touch with, or in contact with, or even connected with the child, if she won't permit it in any way. So, much as I do sympathise with the OP, establishing the existence and parenthood, would merely satisfy a curiosity, and may prove expensive into the bargain. If he is the proven biological father then he most certainly does have rights. A mother cannot just decide not to permit a father his rights. If she attempts to keep him from his child he can fight for his rights in court. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Additionally, I've heard women withholding visitation due to not receiving support pay, This isn't allowed, especially without custody or parenting plans in play, From what I know, child support is not a factor in determining visitation, So if a woman withholds your child because of such, its grounds for incrimination. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 He should check the laws of his state. I believe that some states allow back child support to be due, even before the father is ordered to pay. If that's the case I would want to know & not get behind. It's easy to get buried by child support payments if you don't have a good paying steady job. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Talvez Posted April 24, 2015 Author Share Posted April 24, 2015 Thank you so much for all your advice. Initially, I wanted to go and confront at her mom's house, but I think that it would be a bad idea. She hates me!!!!. Hiring a lawyer is so expensive, but it might be my only option. Link to post Share on other sites
Jessie1231 Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 Thank you so much for all your advice. Initially, I wanted to go and confront at her mom's house, but I think that it would be a bad idea. She hates me!!!!. Hiring a lawyer is so expensive, but it might be my only option. Have you checked with legal aid in your area? I'm not too familiar with everything they handle so I have no idea if they handle custody issues, but it's worth a phone call at least. That would be inexpensive or possibly free. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
badpenny Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 If he is the proven biological father then he most certainly does have rights. A mother cannot just decide not to permit a father his rights. If she attempts to keep him from his child he can fight for his rights in court. (my B/U/I ) IF. First it must be established that (a) the woman had a child, and (b) that he is in fact the father. This comes from a legal website, USA-way: It is state by state. In Georgia, the only way a man is legal father to a child is if he is married to the mother. Signing the birth certificate doesn't mean anything really. Legitimizing the child must happen for the man to be considered birth father. So the first question to get out of the way is legitimacy. Then, it depends in which state they both live, particularly the 'mother'. Link to post Share on other sites
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