Follow up: Lost BF after 3some

[Matahari007]

Hi everyone,

I'll try and condense this long story but here it goes. My bestfriend and I have known each other since we were 14 years old. We were BF in high school, lost contact for about 4 years but picked right back up like nothing happened. We are now in our mid 30's. She is married to her HS sweetheart. One day she asked if I'd ever entertain a 3some with her and her H. I told her I was shocked that she asked me but flattered none the less. We all have that comfort level with each other. We've known each other for years and its an experience I've always been curious about. So we talked about it in great length. We spoke about boundaries, would this destroy our friendship. Would she trust me and her H after this. I told her she's opening up Pandora's box but I respect and love her and would never do anything outside of what we agreed to.

She was open for it and felt we were all ready. So I went to her house and it happened. I will admit we were all on cloud 9. It was fun and exhilarating. This happened 2 more times but I felt a difference in her slowly but surely. She would never say it but our text messaging and chats were very short. She even stopped inviting me out with her.

 

Her H started messaging me on the side to see if we can have a session alone but I never entertained it. I never told her about it. I didn't know how. So after a while we stopped contacting each other. Just like that it was over. She started blasting me on FB but never directly said it was about me. I deleted her and just blocked everything and went no contact.

I realize looking back that I crossed boundaries I had no business crossing. I destroyed a friendsip of so many years for a few romps in bed with her and her H. I should of thought of the consequences but thought nothing could come between us. I thought our friendhship was that strong and nothing could make a dent. I was so wrong and mistaken in this entire situation.

 

My point is that if you ever find yourself in this situation I'd recommend not doing it but if you do please consider the risks and consequences involved. I miss her and should we ever talk again, things will never be the same.

[imtooconfused]

Years and years ago, I was invited to participate in something like this with a best friend. I'll be honest the ick factor of being involved with my friend kept me from doing it. But looking back, I now know it would have been the last thing we did as friends. I was the one to back out and I'm glad I did.

 

I'm sorry for your loss.

[jen1447]

Sorry this happened hon. Hugs.

 

I have a pretty good formula for 2 girls and a guy threesomes. First of all, all parties have to be strong personalities. If they're not, the weak one(s) will naturally end up feeling taken advantage of. Your friend was obviously the weak link here in terms of personality. "Strong" means not insecure, prone to paranoia, feelings of competitiveness, etc.

 

The second and most important thing is that the third party (generally one of the females) should focus on the other female primarily. The jealousy thing happens when/if the established woman feels some sort of connection forming between the man and the other woman. That can lead to jealousy, competition, etc. - ugly feelings. If you make it primarily a pu$sy festival for the girls, the guy will much more likely be able to handle that ego-wise because "women aren't threats" (yeah right), and it's socially acceptable for them to just think it's "OMFG HAWT!!" And since the first woman will be the focus, she won't have much to feel jealous about between her man and the second woman.

 

Works like a charm ~almost~ every time. (It also helps if you mainly just want the woman anyway.)

 

 

Not meaning to make light of your situation tho. Are you sure this isn't something a good mutual cry and clearing of the air couldn't take care of?

[minimariah]

yeah... 3somes can be... awkward when not done right & for the right reasons. i know a few cases where a couple broke up because one of the partners actually left to be with the 3rd person who participated in the 3some.

 

people usually do it just to satisfy your partner and i assume your friend did it just because her H wanted her & it was probably his suggestion.

[SerCay]

^

 

What minimariah says. Since her H started texting you for private sessions afterwards , your friend probably did it to please H but then she noticed the above mentioned chemistry. I want to go a little oer the line here and think that it was H that even chose you for the 3some. Her H is probably a soon-to-be cheater (I don't mean you). Otherwise he would have respected his wife, and not text you.

 

She stopped talking to you because she doesn't want to open her eyes and see that it's her H that is the wanderer. It's easier for her to blame it on you, so that her established order in life won't be bothered. Read: her comfort in marriage.

[Tayla]

sincerely sorry that the friendship ended. The saying " just because you can,doesn't mean you should". the fact it happened two more times... does muddy the waters. What ,if anything, have you considered to at least resolve this incident? It will need to be addressed... you deserve to listen and be heard too...

[minimariah]

She started blasting me on FB but never directly said it was about me. I deleted her and just blocked everything and went no contact.

 

just curious - did you try to actually talk to her about the situation? blocking her without even discussing everything with her seems so... radical. too radical to someone who is allegedly your best friend.

[preraph]

Sorry you came out on the losing end. Yeah, don't ever do a threeway with anyone you actually know well. Best to keep it to parties totally uninvested just looking for adventure. Many decades ago one of my friends talked me into one with her and her bf and then she was jealous and pissed off the whole time. I can't believe she'd be so naive to think after him wanting a 3-way he was going to make a big show about being all about her, but I guess that's what she was hoping.

[Matahari007]

Thank you all for your responses. I asked her if she felt different with what happened between us and she said she was fine. Her actions said other wise and after reaching out to her and asking about her subliminal messages on FB she'd say she's okay and doesnt want to talk about it. She made it seem to me like her frustrations were work related.

She would have gatherings and parties at her house to which she stopped inviting me to but would post the pictures for me to see. I don't know how you would feel about that but it's like a slap in the face to me. So yes I tried reaching out and after being pushed away several times and blasted on social media (never directing it to me of course) I was done.

I was loyal to her. If she had any reservations she needed to talk to me & perhaps check her H. He was willing to have me on the side as his mistress to which I declined. I learned a valuable lesson and lost a friendship because of it. If I could go back I would of never entertained it.

I thought we were all good initially. She seemed to handle it well and it wasn't more to me than just what it was....sex. I agree with a poster that she may have sensed his chemistry being directed more towards me. If that's the case she should of addressed it. I'm not a mind reader and I was practically pulling teeth just to find out what was bothering her.

We haven't spoken in about a year. I'm not even sure if reaching out again is even feasible at this point. Lesson learned!

[Matahari007]

Sercay, I think you hit it right on the head. I don't know if its her ego but she doesn't seem to want to acknowledge her H role in this as well. Like you said its easier to be upset and take it out on me than it is to address him. My thing is she opened Pandora's box and now she can't handle the after effects so she's feeling away. All these years of friendship I thought she would of fought a bit harder. I miss her dearly but what can I do now?

[elaine567]

He was willing to have me on the side as his mistress to which I declined.

 

^^^this^^^

 

I guess she knows that, by deduction or he may even have told her.

She is now in "protect my marriage at all costs" mode and YOU are a huge threat to it, to her and everything else she holds dear.

It is the same reaction that is seen when women divorce or become widows, the wives in some groups will exclude single women almost totally, (even their former friends get shelved) as single women are a "loose cannon", and so may steal their husbands...

 

Your friend doesn't want to see her husband flirting with you at parties, eyeing you up and wishing he was with you instead of her.

You became the enemy and so needed to be removed from her inner circle.

 

I reckon she thought the threesome with you was safe and fun for her, but she didn't envisage her husband falling for you.

[Matahari007]

Jen1447, crazy how we all thought our personalities were strong enough to endure this. I also felt my friend was the weakest link but didn't want to lable it that just yet. After all this is her H and I tried hard to focus most of my attention towards her. It was my 1st doing something like this so lets call this inexperience on my part. I know one of the times it happened he commented to me that she felt he was focusing more on me. So yes I will agree that there may have been a sense of insecurity and jealousy on her part. So if this was the case why did she want to continue? She was the initiator and aggressor.

Almost a year has gone by so I'm not sure if its too late to address it. Even if I did will she ever admit to it? I think not. I have to accept the fact that I helped to destroy a great friendship because of crossing boundaries.

[SolG]

I have a similar story to yours OP. Not long into our M xH and I had dinner and drinks with a female work colleague of mine while she was in town visiting. We had too much to drink, one thing led to another and we had threesome. It had been a fantasy we all three had, and with alcohol loosened inhibitions, we went for it.

 

Due to not discussing it prior or setting it up properly to start with, it was nice but kind of awkward. And frankly I was embarrassed after the fact and never really talked to the third party again. I was still quite young and immature back then :/

 

I would absolutely like to try it again some day. If there is a next time though I'll probably find someone not quite so close to home, and go through a more thorough planning process (including setting rules of engagement that also touch on post tryst conduct) with all parties.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Sometimes fantasies are best left as just that...fantasies.

 

I'm sorry you lost a dear friend over this but I'm not that surprised by it either.

 

I'm in agreement with those that said this whole idea seems more like something she entertained to please her husband than something she really wanted for herself.

 

Jen1447 is bang on that it takes a very particular type of personality to pull off these kinds of sexual encounters with any kind of "success". Not everyone can handle the emotions that get tied up in all of it especially when close friends are tangled up in the web.

 

Although I have never been part of a threesome (just a hot fantasy for me!) I have known quite a few people who have either tried it once or are living it regularly. Every single one of those people told me they preferred the company of a stranger over a good friend if only because there was that much more to lose if things went tits up. It appears they might have a point.

 

Regardless, since it's been a year since you last spoke, I'd let it go. As long as she's still married to the same guy I doubt there is any chance of salvaging your friendship. As for saying your piece, it's a mute point at this late stage. What's done is done and she's made it abundantly clear she's not happy with her decision to include you for whatever reason. Why beat a dead horse?

 

At this point all you can do is use this experience as a life lesson and cautionary tale not to be repeated.

 

Good luck.

[minimariah]

I have to accept the fact that I helped to destroy a great friendship because of crossing boundaries.

 

you didn't cross any boundaries - you ALL agreed to participate in a 3some.

 

be honest - your friendship was FAR from great. your relationship with your friend wasn't great at all, your communication was bad and all that eventually lead to your friend feeling like you're some kind of threat to her M & pulling away. she didn't trust you enough to discuss things directly with you and you... on the other hand, gave up all too easily.

 

in my opinion - it was probably her H that said that it was YOU who was interested in him. he probably blamed it all on you and threw you under the bus & of course, she believed him. also, why did she do it? to please her H. you have no idea how many times i've seen women & men doing stuff they don't even want out of fear of losing their significant other.

 

so in reality - it wasn't the 3some that ruined your friendship. it was the lack of good communication & trust. if it failed over a misunderstanding and sex... i mean, it really wasn't friendship that was worth keeping - it's the ugly truth.

Edited April 14, 2015 by minimariah

[Matahari007]

Good point Minimariah and perhaps that's what hurts most of all. The fact that our friendship wasn't what I thought it was. I may have given up too easily. I should of tried harder but when I continued to get pushed away it made it easy to let go.

 

Michelle, I've come to the realization that I have to let it go. I can't change the past and what's done is done. My conscience is clear that I didn't have any bad intentions and should she ever want to reach out I'm always available for her.

[stillafool]

I think you should have told her that her husband tried to date you behind her back. Why should he get off easy.

[oldshirt]

I am very experienced with swinging. They broke about every rule there is in the Swingers Handbook. Unfortunately you are collateral damage and are the one that got thrown under the bus.

 

She will reach out to you after they separate. (He probably will too but for a whole different thing).

 

She will want to be friends again after the divorce. It will up to you at that time if you want to be friends again at that time after the way they treated you.

 

(And for future references for anyone entertaining the idea of a three way, if you are a couple and want to invite a third into your bedroom, find someone on a swinger site or something and get to know someone new with boundaries in place from the gut go. Do NOT bring any of your traditional friends into your bedroom.

 

And if you are the third and are invited by a couple, don't do it unless you are willing to lose the friendship for sex.

[imtooconfused]

Your friend is blaming you for the actions of her husband. She got defensive over what happened and ultimately decided to protect her husband rather than see the actions for what they are. It's most unfortunate that your friendship got caught up in the problems in the relationship. It's a common occurrence, though.

 

I actually saw a very similar thing happen with another friend. She lost her bestie over a new man that the bestie was seeing. As far as I know, there was no threeway involved, but the bestie caught wind of an attraction between her boyfriend towards my friend (my friend insisted it was not mutual and would never cross her friend's boundary), so the bestie broke off the friendship completely. My friend was shattered and surprised that her friend would let a man come between them.

 

Please pardon me if I severely overgeneralize, but some women can be very territorial about their men, much more so than a man. In an affair situation, the BW will almost always blame the OW, while the BH will typically blame the wife. I don't mean to infer that this was an affair at that point, merely using affairs as a point of reference.

[imtooconfused]

She will want to be friends again after the divorce. It will up to you at that time if you want to be friends again at that time after the way they treated you.

 

Very good point and a likely scenario. The OP's friend will have a strong desire/need to reconcile. It will be a most appropriate time to clear the air, if the OP desires to do so. I hope Matahari007 can see that her friend is not behaving rationally at this time for reasons her friend has little control over, at least enough to allow for reconciliation at that time.

[Matahari007]

Oldshirt, thanks for the insight. I feel like she wasn't being authetic. She acted like everything was fine but underneath the surface she may have been jealous about her H and the attention he gave me. I know better now if I ever do this again (which I highly doubt) it will not be with traditional friends. They'd have to be someone I just met & gradually build a comfort level and definitely boundaries. Who was I kidding thinking there would be no consequences for my actions? I've heard success stories of people swinging & doing 3some's but it was with people who were not close (like you suggested). I think her ego and pride will never allow her to reach out to me.

She may very well deny that the 3some was the reason for the demise of our friendship.

It disturbed me that her H was actually willing to risk having an affair with me since I was his wifes BF. I never understood the logic behind that. The sad part is nothing was ever said when we stopped talking. Things just abruptly ended. We just stopped calling, texting and hanging out...just like that. I tried to rationalize what could of been and my gut tells me it was the 3some. I don't see anything else that would cause such a wedge between us.

[CarrieT]

She will reach out to you after they separate. (He probably will too but for a whole different thing).

 

She will want to be friends again after the divorce.

These were my thoughts exactly.

 

I predict their marriage will not survive and she will reach out the OP after the divorce. He has tasted "forbidden fruit" and will want it again - the expense of their marriage.

[Tayla]

Most actions are for payoff purposes....Think....What was your payoff going to be? and how in alignment was it with theirs?

 

Someone felt short changed ...that may be why the 180 in friendship....

[jen1447]

This has become a pretty interesting discussion. Thanks for offering yourself as the case sample, Mata.

 

Jen1447, crazy how we all thought our personalities were strong enough to endure this. I also felt my friend was the weakest link but didn't want to lable it that just yet. After all this is her H and I tried hard to focus most of my attention towards her. It was my 1st doing something like this so lets call this inexperience on my part. I know one of the times it happened he commented to me that she felt he was focusing more on me. So yes I will agree that there may have been a sense of insecurity and jealousy on her part. So if this was the case why did she want to continue? She was the initiator and aggressor. Almost a year has gone by so I'm not sure if its too late to address it. Even if I did will she ever admit to it? I think not. I have to accept the fact that I helped to destroy a great friendship because of crossing boundaries.

 

My guess is that it started out for her as something of a power trip, and it took her three rounds to figure out it wasn't working in her favor. That's another red flag - no one should be trying to gain any advantages. That's a competitive mindset, and that doesn't work for threesomes.

 

I agree about it probably being a lost cause now, but as others have said, I don't think you actually violated boundaries, and that most of the destruction of your friendship was caused by her. It may sound like I'm just massaging your ego but I'm not. You had good intentions by wanting to accommodate them in their fantasy, you acted within what guidelines were established, and you didn't bite when the husband started to leer in your direction. I really don't see that you did anything wrong beyond maybe not screening them closely enough ahead of time. But even with that, you're admittedly not a pro.

 

I have more to say about threesome viability and arrangements that doesn't necessarily agree with the common wisdom ....later.

[Matahari007]

Jen, when you're comfortable please do share. Inquiring mind wants to know. Maybe that's my problem