Follow up: Lost BF after 3some

[BlauFrau]

I'm not trying to be a wet blanket or a prude but threesomes are never a good idea. Bad idea to engage in sex with any friend or a friend's lover. No matter how people try to separate sex and love they are always tangled up. Only do a threesome with with people you don't know well or not at all. Don't blame yourself tho. She suggested it. It's her fault. Move on and don't have sex with a friend.

[minimariah]

Good point Minimariah and perhaps that's what hurts most of all.

 

i think you're hurting because she disappointed you as a friend.

you didn't ruin anything... a 3some (even with a friend included) doesn't need to ruin anything - in fact, it can bring people closer in some cases. however... when you have a shaky relationship, bad communication, hidden emotions and agendas... it gets messy.

 

for a 3some, in my opinion - everyone included needs to know THEMSELVES 1st. be in touch with their emotions, feelings, thoughts... be sure of themselves. only then they can be sure in their relationship with other people. so 3some can be a fantastic experience if people can handle it and are doing it as an addition, as a new adventure they're exploring together.

 

when people are doing it just to fix relationship problems, to fill a hole, to satisfy only their partner's needs but not theirs? it'll cause problems.

 

the trust just wasn't there at all and this 3some caused that problem to become visibile to everyone, ruining your friendship.

[BlauFrau]

Years and years ago, I was invited to participate in something like this with a best friend. I'll be honest the ick factor of being involved with my friend kept me from doing it. But looking back, I now know it would have been the last thing we did as friends. I was the one to back out and I'm glad I did.

 

I'm sorry for your loss.

Yea total ick factor. All my gal pals are like sisters and I couldn't entertain having sex with a sister. One of my gal friend's boyfriends wanted to do a 4some with me and my guy. My guy and I were grossed out. He would never share me and I won't share him. And above all we got std tested before we started having sex and we want to stay std free. That gal friend found out she had herpes not to long after the 4some suggestion.

[Chasing_mya]

Matahari, she opened Pandora's box. She invited you to her marital bed. She knew the can of worms she could potentially open up. You are not to blame in this. You are all grown and willing participants in all this. Like another poster said there was lack of communication on your bestfriends part. It was up to her to address you & let you know what was bothering her. It appears that the friendship wasn't as solid as you both may have thought. I'm sorry you are hurting. You have learned from this experience and it showed you the weaknesses in what you both had.

[anika99]

Matahari, she opened Pandora's box. She invited you to her marital bed. She knew the can of worms she could potentially open up. You are not to blame in this. You are all grown and willing participants in all this. Like another poster said there was lack of communication on your bestfriends part. It was up to her to address you & let you know what was bothering her. It appears that the friendship wasn't as solid as you both may have thought. I'm sorry you are hurting. You have learned from this experience and it showed you the weaknesses in what you both had.

 

 

I feel like I want to cut the best friend some slack here. I don't think the way she is behaving towards the OP is right but everyone is saying she knew what she was getting into and she was weak, etc. Actually you don't really know how it going to feel to watch the man you love screw someone else until it happens.

 

 

I engaged in a few threesomes with my best friend back in my twenties. First I slept with my best friend and her boyfriend a couple of times. I thought a good time was had by all and after we did it twice we never did again and we never talked about it. I wasn't all that attracted to her boyfriend and never had any private contact with him, before or after. Then a few years later I invited by best friend to sleep with me and my boyfriend. This wasn't a casual boyfriend, I had been with him for a few years and I loved him. My friend agreed and when she came over and we were talking about it she said "it can be hard on the head". She had never said anything negative about our previous threesomes so I asked her what she meant. She said it was hard to watch her bf have sex with me but I since she had never brought it up before I figured it wasn't that hard and I pressed ahead with my plan for her to sleep with me and my boyfriend.

 

 

Well it was hard on the head. I thought it was going to turn me on to see my boyfriend having sex with someone else and it did but it was also mixed in with feelings of jealousy and hurt. I walked around with these horrible feelings for a while after and I couldn't talk to my boyfriend or my best friend about it because it had all been my idea in the first place. I couldn't very well get upset at either of them when I had orchestrated it but it was really hard to deal with and I regretted ever doing it. Luckily neither my friend or myself were married to the guys we did this with. Those guys are long gone and her and I are still good friends 25yrs later.

 

 

OP it's easy to say your friend was the weak one but she was the one in the most vulnerable position. You weren't the one watching your man f*ck another woman so obviously you weren't going to have the same experience as her. I don't think it's about who is weak and who is strong, its about who had the most vulnerability and in this case it was your friend. She was short sighted and wasn't prepared for the conflicting emotions this experience brought about. Furthermore she may be sensing her husbands ongoing interest in you which of course makes the whole thing even more complicated. And you were kind of disloyal to her by having private conversations with her husband behind her back.

 

 

Unfortunately since the husband is a dick and your friend isn't dealing with this in a rational manner it is probably best to just let her go.

[jen1447]

Jen, when you're comfortable please do share. Inquiring mind wants to know. Maybe that's my problem

 

Ok. I'm getting the impression that you're not ready to be done with threesomes in general, which I respect a lot because it shows you're not just reflexively blaming some circumstance for your troubles. (Also you do sound adventurous, which is something I like.)

 

First of all, let me say that this is all based on my personal experience alone, and while I have a lot of it, I don't speak for everyone by any means. This shouldn't be taken as a contradiction of anything anyone else here has said, all opinions of which I have a lot of respect for. In fact, I'd even go so far as to agree that in general, threesomes are a bad idea, and that if you're determined to have them anyway, doing them with strangers/not friends is probably generally safer.

 

-

 

So, I've had a lot of personal success with friendship threesomes. I usually have girl-girl-girl threesomes, but for the sake of discussion, we'll frame it as girl-girl-guy threesomes like yours. (I'm avoiding using 'FMF' etc. bc generally those refer to the middle being the only universal participant, but in ur case you had sex with both her and him, and he did with you and her, and she did with you and him - I assume anyway).

 

The way my friend threesomes work out is because I do screen them well ahead of time, altho it's a bit of a done deal with me going in because I tend to be the glue that holds much of my social circle together, meaning in part that I wouldn't likely be close friends w/them to begin with if they weren't pretty strong-willed and secure people like me, and/or that they tend to become that way after having relationships/friendships w/me. I always try to build people up around me, and that manifests a lot in sexual confidence and security. No one is ever 'at risk' with me bc I'm never trying to do any maneuvering behind the scenes with this one or that one unbeknownst to others. What you see is what you get. I'm also very much a giver, and I take the lead in threesomes, so everyone involved is sure to come away satisfied. I'm heterosexually monogamous w/my BF now for the most part (with a few out-of-the-mainstream exceptions lol), so any girl-girl-guy I get into will usually involve my BF somehow, and another girl (or two or three). My BF's in lockstep with what I do, so he's never a risk, and all my GFs know I have him under control so he's not any kind of danger to them individually.

 

All that creates a 'safe' atmosphere, and one where there's total acceptance and inclusion and no competition. It's a bit of a tall order, but if you can make it that way, you're good.

 

I do have a bit of an advantage tho bc just due to the nature of my friendships and sexuality, it's not at all uncommon for my friends (female) to be sex partners too. In fact, I'd say I have more sexual female friends than not. So that stacks the deck in my favor, as opposed to the more common scenario of people going out looking for these kinds of hookups with no experience or maybe not even a clue what to look for and what to avoid.

 

It actually sounds like your friend was not too far off in terms of compatibility, tho I don't think her guy was well-equipped to handle it if he was sorta knocked sideways (I assume) by how good/hot you were. I mean, she ended up having the jealousy issues and handled that really poorly when things went off, but I don't think the guy was ever really prepared if he got jumpy at the first sign of his dick pointing in another direction away from his girl. He should have controlled himself, she should have controlled him, they both should have realized that their lack of control would lead to trouble, and probably you should have seen that they weren't really ready.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would have focused mainly on your friend, which like I described before may have solved her issues. If I was in your friend's shoes, I wouldn't have set it up to begin with not knowing for sure if her guy could handle it, or I would have made damn sure he knew what the boundaries were, and then I would have 'run' the threesome rather than be a sideliner. e.g., tell him to sit back and watch while the two of you have some fun together, then jump him a bit and invite you to play while that's on, then let him have a taste of you while you worked on me (thus keeping him strictly third party), etc. That sort of thing.

 

I don't really have to worry about all those dynamics myself based on what I said about my situation in general, but in your case, you all needed to use that kind of caution and didn't.

 

Anyway, I very rarely have any jealousy or competition issues creep up, and in the unlikely event they do, I fix them almost immediately by being 'the woman' in the group who they all look to and trust for fixes.

 

I feel like that may not be as comprehensively clear as I wanted, so please feel free to ask if you have any questions. Hope it helps.

[Matahari007]

Anika, for the record I never had conversations with him behind her back. If I was guilty of anything it was never telling her that he reached out. When he did I never replied. I never entertained any of his advances. So if I'm wrong about anything its not telling her about him contacting me after the fact. As far as her being 'weak' its in the sense of her not mentally being prepared for a situation like a 3some. It takes a certain kind of individual to be able to pull that off and not be affected emotionally.

If I were married or had a serious partner it would be very difficult for me to have a 3some with my bestfriend. I say this because like your bestfriend pointed out, its hard on the head and I know it will mind f@ck me for a very long time. I know my weaknesses & limitations.

I thought our friendship was strong but I was mistaken. I take responsibility for my part in this. I lost my BF and that's my consequence.

Edited April 15, 2015 by Matahari007

[Matahari007]

Jen, that sounds like a wonderful arrangement and really appreciate your set up. It works for everyone involved and no one gets hurt or feels cheated or left out. You are the one that keeps it together and have a good head on your shoulders mentally. Thanks for sharing & in helping me understand some of the dyanmics of this situation. It has helped me a great deal and the input from all the posters has given me a different perspective.

[SerCay]

Sercay, I think you hit it right on the head. I don't know if its her ego but she doesn't seem to want to acknowledge her H role in this as well. Like you said its easier to be upset and take it out on me than it is to address him. My thing is she opened Pandora's box and now she can't handle the after effects so she's feeling away. All these years of friendship I thought she would of fought a bit harder. I miss her dearly but what can I do now?

 

I'm talking from experience when I say there's nothing you can do.

She will stay with this guy and block you out of her life. She KNOWS it's her husband towards who she has to direct these feelings and work them through, but jealousy is a nasty thing. She chooses the easy way out by blocking you out of life. I wouldn't be surprised 1 bit if her husband tries to contact you after a while again.

 

I had a best friend. We were friends since kindergarten. Then when we were 23 (after 20 years of friendship), she got this new boyfriend who she wanted me to meet. We went to the movies, her bf, she, a friend of her bf's and me. She started acting all weird after her boyfriend agreed with me on which movie to pick. Then she stopped talking altogether for the whole night. It was pretty darn awkward. After the movie they dropped me off home, and I asked her if she was ok, and if she would call me? She said "yeah."

 

Last I ever heard from her. E-mails, phonecalls, nothing helped. For years I beat myself up with the question WHAT did I do??? But the answer is pretty obvious in cases like these. See, if there's a problem that doesn't have to do with JEALOUSY, then they would be willing to talk about it. When somebody blocks you out of life like this, either you have done something unforgivable (which you should know about, cause you would have done it) OR they are ashamed of their reason and just choose to make you disappear.

 

 

Let this friendship go. Your friend's jealousy got in the way, and as long as she's with that man, it can't be mended. IF they ever break up, you won't want to reconnect since she just blocked you out of life for no reason. No friend should treat you like that.

 

Good luck OP.

[kendahke]

Jen1447, crazy how we all thought our personalities were strong enough to endure this.

 

3somes are never a good idea if there is an investment of feelings with one of the 3. They are best done by strangers or people you don't care about or will never see again, if it's going to be done at all. Not many people are strong enough in their characters to handle 3somes; those that are swing/swap and even still, it's a team activity--no one goes off the grid to seek out the 3rd party.

 

It could be that she saw her husband enjoy you way more, and he must have because he contacted you behind his wife's back, which is not part of the agreement. As someone else said, having you at a gathering where she knows her husband will eventually try to single you out may have been more than she could bear.

 

Sorry you lost your friend over this. Always follow your first mind, which recoiled from the idea initially.

[Jaboo]

Hi everyone,

I'll try and condense this long story but here it goes. My bestfriend and I have known each other since we were 14 years old. We were BF in high school, lost contact for about 4 years but picked right back up like nothing happened. We are now in our mid 30's. She is married to her HS sweetheart. One day she asked if I'd ever entertain a 3some with her and her H. I told her I was shocked that she asked me but flattered none the less. We all have that comfort level with each other. We've known each other for years and its an experience I've always been curious about. So we talked about it in great length. We spoke about boundaries, would this destroy our friendship. Would she trust me and her H after this. I told her she's opening up Pandora's box but I respect and love her and would never do anything outside of what we agreed to.

She was open for it and felt we were all ready. So I went to her house and it happened. I will admit we were all on cloud 9. It was fun and exhilarating. This happened 2 more times but I felt a difference in her slowly but surely. She would never say it but our text messaging and chats were very short. She even stopped inviting me out with her.

 

Her H started messaging me on the side to see if we can have a session alone but I never entertained it. I never told her about it. I didn't know how. So after a while we stopped contacting each other. Just like that it was over. She started blasting me on FB but never directly said it was about me. I deleted her and just blocked everything and went no contact.

I realize looking back that I crossed boundaries I had no business crossing. I destroyed a friendsip of so many years for a few romps in bed with her and her H. I should of thought of the consequences but thought nothing could come between us. I thought our friendhship was that strong and nothing could make a dent. I was so wrong and mistaken in this entire situation.

 

My point is that if you ever find yourself in this situation I'd recommend not doing it but if you do please consider the risks and consequences involved. I miss her and should we ever talk again, things will never be the same.

 

My wife and I had a encounter with a friend of mine, without going into great detail she had only been with 3 guys before me. It started with my old friend staying the weekend with us. We were partying pretty good and she was really getting loose. She had a boobjob a year earlier and when amy met steve the first time it was pre boobjob. Lips got loose and he started asking about he new shape. He had never seen a boob job and next thing you know she is showing them, then he's feeling them. I was surprised that it was really turning me on. Things escallated and she got a look at his penis. I had no idea but it was pretty large, much larger than mine. She got very turned on by it and a few minutes later it was on. She had an almost immediate orgasm when he entered her and several more in the next 10 minutes before he did. She had told him not to finish in her, later when he warned he was close she changed her mind. He was there the entire next day when we were sober and she continued to initiat sex, trying to include me but it was obvious it was about him. She had never had orgasms with me like she did with him. She was constantly talking to him while they were going at it, how big he was, how good it was, harder and oh yeah f me f me. She never talked during sex with me. She has continued to stay in contact with him and makes plans for his return. What do I do? I didn't know she would enjoy it that much.

[Matahari007]

Jaboo, there are red flags through out this entire situation and you are not doing anything to stop what is clearly going on in front of your face. Are you okay with this? Do you want this to continue? You are her H, if this doesn't sit well with you, please let her know. Put a stop to this at once before it escalates to something much more deeper. When they slept together were you apart of it or just watching? Were boundaries discussed?

[JPMC]

Well, you opened up Pandora's Box. Better find one of her friends, because the tribe has spoken.

[imtooconfused]

What do I do?

 

You are in a bad situation that need it's own special attention on this forum. Even though you are new and unsure about how this forum works, I highly recommend that you open a separate thread with your complete story so that you can get the help from the great users here. Otherwise your story is going to get confused with Matahari007's story.

[strongAce]

Sorry to hear that something so good turned so sour.

 

I never understood the males/ females that stray after they have been conceded a threesome . Regardless if it didnt meet expectations, they should be grateful. It could be a great memory to have, instead they make it a horrible traumatic experience

[elaine567]

Sorry to hear that something so good turned so sour.

 

I never understood the males/ females that stray after they have been conceded a threesome . Regardless if it didnt meet expectations, they should be grateful. It could be a great memory to have, instead they make it a horrible traumatic experience

 

Sex stirs up feelings and emotions, some just cannot handle it.

New partner is more exciting than old partner, so need their fix outwith the threesome, hence they start up an affair.

[sandylee1]

I reckon her H suggested the threesome again and again, then she realised that he was very much into you. She probably blames herself for ever suggesting it and I agree with others that it was likely her H who suggested you.

 

She's cut you off because she's trying to avoid temptation on her H's part and she may have even seen the message he sent and been upset that you never mentioned it to her. I'm not saying you should have done, as your silence was a good call.

[Matahari007]

So this morning I received a text from my Xbestfriend's H. He stated that he's thinking of me, hopes that he crosses my mind and that he misses me. I deleted it right away. I don't respond or entertain him at all and sometimes I wonder if its my XBF doing this? I'm thinking this because I can't imagine him being so stupid and taking those risks. I'm not some random woman they just met. I was his wifes friend for 20 years.

 

I just can't comprehend why he would still reach out, knowing we are not in speaking terms. What does he hope to achieve from contact....I dont get it.

[oldshirt]

. What does he hope to achieve from contact....I dont get it.

 

He wants to achieve another roll in the hay.

 

Duh! What else do you think he'd want? That's a no brainer.

[jen1447]

To put it more charitably ....yeah, it's all about the pu$sy. It could be that the whole unfortunate outcome is even a turnon for him in some strange way, or maybe he likes the danger of living on the edge and escaping blame for what's really his fault and still trying to get with you. (All bc you're more than hot enough to warrant it, I assume.)

 

How would your ex do that btw? I assume the text is from former friend's husband's number.

[Matahari007]

Oldshirt, that's obvious with your [sarcasm]. I know that much. I was just wondering why take the risk, especially with someone who was a BF to his wife. I just wanted opinions but thanks for the clarification.

Edited April 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[imtooconfused]

I was just wondering why take the risk[?]

 

If you're just looking for opinions... I suspect that there are deeper problems in their relationship. It could be as simple as he didn't care if she found out, all the way up to he wanted to use you as revenge. Because you have no contact with them any longer, you won't know for sure and it's pure speculation on my part.

 

EDIT: At worst, it could have been his plan all along. He may have attempting to pull "The Switch" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Switch_(Seinfeld)), lol.

Edited April 21, 2015 by imtooconfused

[preraph]

So this morning I received a text from my Xbestfriend's H. He stated that he's thinking of me, hopes that he crosses my mind and that he misses me. I deleted it right away. I don't respond or entertain him at all and sometimes I wonder if its my XBF doing this? I'm thinking this because I can't imagine him being so stupid and taking those risks. I'm not some random woman they just met. I was his wifes friend for 20 years.

 

I just can't comprehend why he would still reach out, knowing we are not in speaking terms. What does he hope to achieve from contact....I dont get it.

 

What don't you get? This is exactly what she feared. You should totally ignore him.