Do I Tell Him?

[FrozenChosen]

Here's some background: I am in my 30s and have been in a committed relationship for 2 years. We love each other, live together, and have talked about eventually getting married. We have a very honest relationship, and I have never cheated on a partner before. However, I do have a history of getting drunk and doing things against my better (sober) judgement. I've also been out of state for work for the last 2 months, and I have one friend in the town where I'm currently stationed.

 

A few nights ago, I went out with a friend and got black-out drunk. I have been trying to cut back on my drinking lately (no more than 2 or 3 drinks in one evening), and because my tolerance has diminished, I had 5 drinks and blacked out. (Previously I could drink 5+ drinks with no issue).

 

According to my friend, during the blackout, I came on to him and he gave me oral sex.

 

So my question is: should I tell my boyfriend about the incident?

 

I feel like ****, am having trouble sleeping, but I don't want to hurt him just to alleviate my own guilt. But I also think it's selfish for me to be dishonest with him just because I am afraid he will break up with me if I tell him.

 

I am ashamed of what I have done, and the only person I told about the incident is my psychiatrist. She told me not to tell him, that 5-10 years from now it won't matter, and that it's not worth it to hurt him. I will be returning home to my bf in another 6 weeks, and will not see the friend anymore once I return home.

 

On the other hand, we're not married, and maybe he should know the truth so that he can make a fully informed decision about whether or not he wants to stay with me in light of what I have done.

 

I am not sure what the "right" thing here is to do. Please help.

[casey.lives]

you should tell ... lies only escalate problems. if it was an accident, it shouldn't be hard to do.. and it shouldn't be hard to forgive either. a lie is much harder to forgive then one act of indiscretion.

[Hope Shimmers]

You don't remember this experience at all? You're just relying on the word of this friend?

 

Have you ever blacked out before in this way?

 

How well do you know this friend?

 

Just wondering if you should be considering the possibility that you were drugged.

[Satu]

I'm concerned about your drinking.

 

If you're getting 'blackout drunk,' you've got a very real alcohol problem.

[Satu]

You don't remember this experience at all? You're just relying on the word of this friend?

 

Have you ever blacked out before in this way?

 

How well do you know this friend?

 

>>>Just wondering if you should be considering the possibility that you were drugged.<<<

 

That's definitely something to consider.

[jen1447]

Judgement call. Is it more important to you that he be fully informed of significant matters in his life or that you stay in the clear? Because that's really what the decision is.

[FrozenChosen]

You don't remember this experience at all? You're just relying on the word of this friend?

 

Have you ever blacked out before in this way?

 

How well do you know this friend?

 

Just wondering if you should be considering the possibility that you were drugged.

 

Yes, I have blacked out before.

 

I have known the friend for 3 months, but I trust that he would give me an accurate account of what happened. I don't think he drugged me.

 

And yes, I can appreciate the concerns about my alcohol use, but my immediate concern (at least as it relates to this forum) is whether or not to tell my significant other.

[Satu]

Yes, I have blacked out before.

 

I have known the friend for 3 months, but I trust that he would give me an accurate account of what happened. I don't think he drugged me.

 

And yes, I can appreciate the concerns about my alcohol use, but my immediate concern (at least as it relates to this forum) is whether or not to tell my significant other.

 

I think you've got your priorities reversed.

 

If you hadn't got 'blackout drunk,' this problem probably wouldn't have come about.

 

Sexual indiscretion is a common consequence of alcohol/substance abuse.

 

I'll leave it at that, because I've made my point.

[FrozenChosen]

I think you've got your priorities reversed.

 

 

I'm not saying I'm prioritizing one thing over the other. I'm saying that what's happened, has happened, and I need help figuring out what the right thing to do is re: telling my partner.

 

This forum is an "interpersonal relationship center". There are resources elsewhere I can access for alcohol-related advice.

[leavesonautumn]

Tell your partner. It's not going to just go away, it's always going to be there in the back of your mind. You seem to feel a lot of guilt and shame about the situation (if it even did happen, 3 months is a short time to know someone) and it'll most likely feed in to other insecurities in the future. Talk to him about your history with alcohol and you may not want to hear it but getting some help with the alcohol problem is related. It'll affect your current and future relationships and friendships if you don't do something about it now.

[Satu]

A pivotal point I came to on my own journey was the conscious decision to be authentic in all my dealings with other people.

 

That means being exactly the same person on the outside as I am on the inside.

 

It sounds little, but it's much.

 

Not, "To be or not to be," but rather, "to be, or to appear to be."

 

That does not mean that I have no privacy. Things that only concern me, that have no impact on anyone other than me, I will keep private if that is my preference.

 

Toxic secrets though, are nothing to do with privacy. They are an infringement of a persons right to know what the truth is, because they are affected by the thing that is being hidden. They have a right to know what forces are acting upon them. Cheating does affect the partner, because it introduces deceit if withheld.

 

It is an ongoing lie that is told week after week, day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute, second after second.

 

It is a lie, because it is a pretence. It is pretending that something didn't happen, when it did.

 

Toxic secrets are toxic. They are corrosive to the secret-keeper, and they are corrosive to the relationship concerned.

 

I would confess every time, because I value my integrity more than my comfort.

Edited April 21, 2015 by Satu

[Ruby65]

Well, I hope it's clear to you now why your "friend" has been hanging around and I hope you're not seeing him anymore, now that you've both crossed this line.

 

I'd be asking myself why you were spending so much time with this opposite sex friend and telling yourself that's okay?

 

I think this is more than a one-time incident and it's likely there's been an emotional affair going on between you. Blame alcohol if you want, I don't buy it.

 

I think your partner deserves to know. It's called "lying by omission," when you withhold information from someone who, if they knew, would think differently of you and make different choices. HE has the right to know because HE is the only one of the three of you that hasn't cheated!

 

In his shoes, I'd be seriously considering leaving this relationship -- and I think it's wrong to withhold something so important from him.

 

What would you do if he proposed to you? How could you look him in the eye and accept a lifetime commitment, knowing you've just cheated on him and he has no idea?

 

I think you already know what's right, you're just looking to have it confirmed by others.

[whichwayisup]

I think first off, admitting that drinking isn't a good idea anymore. You black out and that's not good. You do things that you wouldn't do sober or even with a slight buzz. Quit drinking completely, some can't handle their alcohol.

 

Do talk to your bf about this, I believe you didn't do it intentionally but you're putting yourself in situations that lead to other things...

 

Also, that guy friend is NOT a friend! He took advantage of you at your lowest and you were vulnerable! He knows you have a bf so shame on him!

[lolablue17]

Don't tell your BF. It will make him miserable, insecure, and he will probably leave you. But that's not the major issue in my eyes.

 

I think you need to change the way you look at yourself. You have that opinion about yourself that you are honest and pure and you've never cheated. WRONG. You cheated now, right? So start looking at yourself as a cheater and how do you going to manage you life from now on.

 

For me the distance and time away from your Bf, both are the bigger reasons for your cheating. Because it also had an effect on your decision to drink more.

 

You also can't promise yourself that you will never cheat again, because the potential exists every time you take even one glass. Because every glass reduces your judgement a little more in a slippery slope.

 

So, now, in your new status in life (a cheater and probably a liar) what are you going to do about it?

[lgspot]

#1. A few nights ago, I went out with a friend and got black-out drunk.

 

 

According to my friend, during the blackout, I came on to him and he gave me oral sex.

 

#2.So my question is: should I tell my boyfriend about the incident?

 

I feel like ****, am having trouble sleeping, but I don't want to hurt him just to alleviate my own guilt. But I also think it's selfish for me to be dishonest with him just because I am afraid he will break up with me if I tell him.

 

I am ashamed of what I have done, and the only person I told about the incident is my psychiatrist. She told me not to tell him, that 5-10 years from now it won't matter, and that it's not worth it to hurt him. I will be returning home to my bf in another 6 weeks, and will not see the friend anymore once I return home.

 

#3. On the other hand, we're not married, and maybe he should know the truth so that he can make a fully informed decision about whether or not he wants to stay with me in light of what I have done.

 

#6.I am not sure what the "right" thing here is to do. Please help.

 

 

#1. Get a new friend.

 

This comes very close to sexual assault. When someone is black out drunk and incapable of making rational decisions and a person takes advantage of them sexually, that is more than just morally wrong. This guy is no friend!!!

 

There is every possibility "he" did more than oral sex.

 

Could there be pictures floating around, etc...???

 

Just because he seems like a nice guy. Appears to be a friend. This probably isn't his first time taking advantage...

 

#2. You are seeing a psychiatrist. She is in a better position to gauge your state of mind and situation better than anyone. I think it would be "best" at this point to follow her advice and continue to work with her.

 

Of course the "right" thing to do is tell him. That may not be the "best" thing to do at this particular time. Continue with your doctor and your path with become more clear.

 

#3. Yes he has the right to know.

 

Yes you screwed up.

 

BUT----Should you tell him now?

 

Most people here are gonna say, TELL NOW...

 

For now, I disagree with that. I would suggest you continue with the Psychiatrist and you and she work at what is best for you. There may be more that needs addressed before (or if) you drop a bomb on your boyfriend.

 

#4. Keep reading here on LS and continue writing your thoughts and asking questions. Many people here are willing to help you.

 

Perhaps others have been in situations similar to yours...

 

#5. As suggested, Talk to someone about the drinking.

 

Blackouts can become life-altering in a heartbeat.

 

As you can now see, this one episode has the potential to change two people's lives and future.

 

Those more knowledgeable with drinking issues can help your decisions.

 

Your boyfriend is owed an amends. A well thought-out and honest amends. Now may not be the best time.

 

The timing is up to you. (AND YOUR DOCTOR).

 

#6. I'm getting up in years, and some of the best advice I ever got was, UNTIL YOU ARE SURE----DO NOTHING.

 

I am by no means suggesting you not tell him.

I do suggest you continue with your Psychiatrist and make "a fully informed decision" for both you and your boyfriend.

 

Based on the information you've given, I'm leaning towards not telling him and you continuing working on yourself...

Blessings

[ManyDissapoint]

IMO you should tell your boyfriend everything.

[Jimmyjackson]

If it was the other way around, you'd want him to tell you the truth, wouldn't you?

 

Better to hear it from you than someone else.

[stillafool]

Does your bf mind you hanging out at a bar drinking with a guy? I don't know too many men who would be okay with this unless it was your brother. The fact that you drank until you blacked out is a real problem. Where did you black out? Was it at the club or at this guys house? The whole situation sounds inappropriate and you should probably tell your bf. I doubt if he is going to view you the same way when you do tell him.

[Friskyone4u]

I don't know why you are referring to this other guy as your friend.?

If he was your friend you could have chased him around his house butt naked and he would have grabbed you, three you in bed by yourself and locked you in the room .

And it sounds like until you go home you plan on spending more time with this guy .

Your therapist is an idiot and would probably tell you lot to tell even if you have been having intercourse with this guy every night for the last two months

 

The fact that you have sought out this forum says in itself you are guilty and you will be better off telling your boyfriend now than having it come out in pillow talk months or years from now

 

And yes , he is probably going to not agree to you still having any contact with this so called friend who took advantage of you when you were bombed. Are you sure that is not what you mostly are trying to avoid.

[crazycanuck86]

Yes you should tell your boyfriend about what happened, also how drunk was your guy friend at the time becuse there could be a chance that he took advantage of you.

 

One last note drinking until you black out is a sign of a serious drinking problem, so I would recommended that you get help before things get taken to far again.

[jen1447]

#1. Get a new friend.

 

This comes very close to sexual assault. When someone is black out drunk and incapable of making rational decisions and a person takes advantage of them sexually, that is more than just morally wrong. This guy is no friend!!!

In some places it actually meets the definition of rape, with the rationale being that consent is required for consensual sex, and being unconscious or otherwise incapacitated means you're in a condition where it's impossible for you to consent.

[fireflywy]

1. Tell your boyfriend but DONT DO IT UNTIL YOU GET HOME. He doesn't need to fret while you're away. This gives you more therapy time and more reflection and prep for his response. Then again... up to you others her also have good points.

 

2. Your "friend"....yeah. He is now person ZERO in your life. No more contact. Period. He no longer exists to you.

 

I've never been drunk myself, so I don't know how things "just happen" but your subconcious was going when it did and you need to reframe it by getting rid of your "friend."

 

3. I think your psychiatrist is wrong.

Edited April 24, 2015 by fireflywy

[No Limit]

You tell your friend. You quit drinking. Your liver and other organs will be eternally grateful.

[writergal]

Tell your boyfriend what you did. Better to be honest even when you make mistakes like this. Actions like yours have consequences. Sometimes people can forgive those behaviors in alcoholics like you. Others are not so forgiving.

 

Also, get a different psychiatrist. It is unbelievably irresponsible how your psychiatrist directed you to lie to your boyfriend. Um, psychiatrists are supposed to be morally upright people and not encourage their patients to LIE. That's effed up!

 

Then, check yourself into a 30 day alcohol rehab program. Hazelden in Minnesota is one of the best places to go. Read Heather King's memoir, "Parched." I think you will relate to her denial and the destruction her drinking had on her relationships and her life, until she went to rehab.

Edited April 26, 2015 by writergal

[FrozenChosen]

 

#2. You are seeing a psychiatrist. She is in a better position to gauge your state of mind and situation better than anyone. I think it would be "best" at this point to follow her advice and continue to work with her.

 

Of course the "right" thing to do is tell him. That may not be the "best" thing to do at this particular time. Continue with your doctor and your path with become more clear.

 

#3. Yes he has the right to know.

 

Yes you screwed up.

 

BUT----Should you tell him now?

 

Most people here are gonna say, TELL NOW...

 

For now, I disagree with that. I would suggest you continue with the Psychiatrist and you and she work at what is best for you. There may be more that needs addressed before (or if) you drop a bomb on your boyfriend.

 

#4. Keep reading here on LS and continue writing your thoughts and asking questions. Many people here are willing to help you.

 

Your boyfriend is owed an amends. A well thought-out and honest amends. Now may not be the best time.

 

The timing is up to you. (AND YOUR DOCTOR).

 

#6. I'm getting up in years, and some of the best advice I ever got was, UNTIL YOU ARE SURE----DO NOTHING.

 

I am by no means suggesting you not tell him.

I do suggest you continue with your Psychiatrist and make "a fully informed decision" for both you and your boyfriend.

 

Based on the information you've given, I'm leaning towards not telling him and you continuing working on yourself...

Blessings

 

Thank you for your thoughts. Basically, I've been doing #6.

 

Since the incident happened, I've been going back and forth a lot about whether or not to tell him. During a moment of distress I told my psychiatrist that I had to tell him. She advised me to do it in person, and said that I would only really know what to do when I saw him.

 

I visited my boyfriend over the weekend. It was a vacation we had been planning for months, although I had told him over the phone that there was something I wanted to talk to him about and that I was afraid it would ruin the trip.

 

When I saw him, I felt love and happiness to see him (it had been awhile). We had a great weekend, and needless to say I didn't tell him. It did creep up in my mind on a few occasions, but strangely, being with him actually helped alleviate the guilt/shame/crappy feelings.

 

I still haven't made up my mind on what to do, but I do know that I won't tell him until I am back home, which is a month from now.