After the move-in

[jaymoq]

I have been seeing my beau for a little over a year now. We moved in together in October and got engaged in February. Up until we moved in together, our relationship was amazing. There was never any hesitation in my mind that he was 'the one'. We are both divorced and tread carefully at first but it felt like I was finally home when I met him. That is, until we moved in together. We work different shifts. He works nights, I work days. And, when we lived separately, that was actually perfect. We are both independent types and I lived on a ranch and he lived in the city--- so, on days he worked, I had my hands full with my own hobbies and recreations. However, because I rented and he owned, when we agreed to join our lives, I moved to the city. And I absolutely hate it. I knew it would be tough, but some days it feels like my entire soul is collapsing. I keep my horses at a facility about 30 minutes from the house, so they are a great outlet, but because of our weird schedules, oftentimes I have to choose between seeing him 15 minutes out of a 48 hour block or going to my horses in the opposite direction and missing him. It kills me to choose. Nights I come home to see him, I find myself sitting in this huge, empty house feeling utterly alone. It doesn't help I am a transplant to this region so I have no family and relatively no friends to speak of. I have tried to get out and meet people, but really, I'd rather spend the time with my horses. They are my peace and my recreation 100%. But, doing so means I literally won't see him for days on end.

 

Since I moved in, I have spiraled downward and went from feeling absolutely alone to beginning to feel resentment. He doesn't want to move. I do. How we spend our time together has changed too. He used to come over to my place and I didn't have cable (I don't watch TV at all, because I was outside all day on my ranch) so we spent a lot of time outside bonding or inside cooking together or we'd go out to dinner. When we moved in together, I found out that he is a huge tv-watcher. His job is incredibly stressful in law enforcement and he says that watching tv is his release. I get that, to some degree, but it feels like literally every minute we spend together is on the couch watching a reality show. It has begun to make me feel like I'm going insane.

 

What happened to the man I fell in love with? I used to feel like there was never a question that I wanted to spend my life with him, but now all I feel is alone and resentful. How do I address this? I feel like every time I'm with him, he's so stressed about work, either on his way in or going to bed, that I can't have an honest conversation with him. When we DO talk, he usually breaks down and tells me I am his entire world and he'd do anything for me. But, the things I WANT (to move to the country, to work the same shift, etc) are things he has made clear he would be unhappy with.

 

Are we now, after actually LIVING together, incompatible? How could we have dated for months and months and he never mention his tv addiction or his adversion to country life?

 

Help!

[preraph]

You love the life you had, so get it back, horses and all. It's no good living remotely from your horses. Taking care of them is half the gratification. You need someone who wants to live a similar lifestyle as yours, and I don't know what part of the country you live in, but if there's a place for pasturing horses, then there are people who would like to live that lifestyle. So get landed again and then start meeting people in the community. Hang out at the feed store, go out to the diners and steak houses, maybe even take up golf. But find yourself someone more suitable. Giving up what you love for a man is not a good idea. There are too many men out there, and one should never give up their true path, if you feel that is your true path.

[Satu]

There's no doubt that it won't work for you as it is.

 

You have very different preferences.

 

You shouldn't be living together.

 

You should move nearer to your horses.

 

Perhaps you can have a satisfying non-cohabiting relationship, where you stay over with each other according to who invites whom.

 

 

 

As an aside: It would drive me nuts to live with someone who spends their time gawping at the TV. It would be a deal-breaker for me. Definitely.