Rats Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 Has anyone cheated or been cheated on but stayed together? How did it affect your sex life? Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 Well...if does affect it....but it does get better with time. In my situ...not to rehash the whole story...but heres the jist of it. My wife confesed to a ONS in July 04. We entered counseling and were in it for 8 months....UNTIL... the bomb dropped. She finally came clean and confessed on March 1 2005 that she was in a full feldged EMO and PHY affair with her boss during the ENTIRE time we were in counseling....yeah I know....f***ked up Anyway. Our sex life was OK to good during the 8 months of what I thought was a recovery....she was into it with me....and unfortunatly with the OM as well. But she didnt come across that we had any problems.....she was satisfied with me, so she says....but I wonder given the fact she had afternoon rendovous with the OM. NOW that the truth is out.....our sexlife has be awkward to say the least. Its been 50 days since she came clean...and I can say the first month was hard on both of us sexually. I guess FOR her it wasnt an issue when I didnt know...but now that the WHOLE truth is out....WE both felt awkward. I mean....the thoughts I had going thru my head while I would be with her were unbearable....I almost felt disgusted by it. And she felt wierd being with me, knowing that I knew that she gave herself to another man. I still have some issues, but the last few times we have made love/f***ked....it has been great. I think it will take time for both of us....alot of time. We both have HIGH sexually libido....but she felt more towards the OM during her affair...and in her words...."because it was someone new...was exciting", etc....Not the same spark from the same old crackers...I mean we have been together for 17 years...so i guess it can get routine so to speak. SO....we are now both in MC 100%...and we are trying to find a place were we can both be comfortable again with our relationship and sex. We are even looking into ways we can spice it up between us....so we can get the spark back again... So to answer your question...it does affect your sexlife. BUT if you can accept what happenend....and NOT make it a compotition between yourself and what the OM did for your SO....then you can get back to a place were you are OK with sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 Didn't remain together (though it was mild cheating on me by a dopey 18 year old girl). Personally, one of the things that would prevent it for me would be disgust toward the other person and the very real physical sense that the other dude was still in her, so to speak. Link to post Share on other sites
fleafly Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 Well I didnt stay together with my wife as well, and I must say that this was the deal breaker for me. I couldnt have sex with my wife after I found out, at least without having to fantasize about some else to get me through it. I couldnt look at her, couldnt stand the sounds, I basically had to block everything out, not a very good experience and I wouldnt recomend it. I tried looking for help on this via books, had some interesting PM's from certain members in here, nothing worked for me. Link to post Share on other sites
cranium Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 We're still together and the sex is getting better. I told her immediately after I found out about her A, that we needed to resume our sex life and the sooner the better. She has always argued that I was only affectionate in a sexual way and took this comment to support her position. I told her I wanted his energy out of her and out of our house (she took him to our bed while I was out of town). We're working now on making our sex life better. I'm not wasting time/energy worring about the OM. Link to post Share on other sites
sylviaguardian Posted April 19, 2005 Share Posted April 19, 2005 Wow Cranium - you are one STRONG dude! Sylvia Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted April 19, 2005 Share Posted April 19, 2005 H and I were still having sex even while the A was going on, but they were both denying it of course. I don't know if I thought having sex w/ him would win him back, or I was in denial of him having an A so I thought having sex w/ him all the time would make him not want to go to the OW b/c he was getting it enough at home. Well, THAT didn't work, he was still sleeping w/ her. Our marriage was ending (he filed for a D) and I moved away w/ our children. About a month of being gone he called and wanted to get back 2gether. We hadn't had sex in over a month (longest time since we started seeing eachother almost 13 years b4). The first time we had sex again I was VERY nervous! I felt like it was my first time w/ him again. I just felt weird about it. Our sex life is about the same as it was b4, but it has gotten a little better. Link to post Share on other sites
cranium Posted April 19, 2005 Share Posted April 19, 2005 Syl, Not really a strong dude. I was nervous as hell that first time after I found out and I still get nauseous if I allow thoughts of the two of them together. That's why I don't dwell on the OM. She is with me now and I can't do anything about yesterday. I have always been a selfless lover and I never had complaints in that dept. from her or pre-her. I would go insane if I worried constantly about what he did for her. There are nourishing and lasting reasons we are together beyond the need for regular mutual orgasm. Not only do we have abiding obligations to our children, but we are both getting more out of the marriage than sex alone. I am committed to working to improve our overall relationship, sex included. Link to post Share on other sites
only1life Posted April 20, 2005 Share Posted April 20, 2005 I was cheated on for about a month, found out a month later - last fall, and we're still together. Yup, it affects the sex life. But once I get past the stuff I call the "bad thoughts" (which continue to keep popping in!) our sex life is very good. Mainly because the recovery process has made each of us more aware of our needs, and more willing to work with each other to have a better relationship. We've rediscovered many new things, from "toys" to Tantra! No, I won't say it was worth it. Nope! Never. We could (should) have gotten here in so many better ways.... but I am glad we tried to work it out, and we're still together! Link to post Share on other sites
lynnspies1 Posted April 21, 2005 Share Posted April 21, 2005 I think that I am not the norm but hey, what can I do. My H has had two affairs. After the first one it made me sick to look at him and I could not bring myself to have sex with him for a long time. I did not feel safe and think that had a lot to do with it. After we did begin to have sex again it was intense. We were both more into pleasing each other and trying different things. The more recent affair we continued to have normal relations while the affair was going on. Once I found out about the current affair I began taking anti-depressant medications that have completely thrown my sex drive into overdrive and I can't seem to get enough. We have been having great, passionate, intense sex several times a day. I think it has been good for us to have that time together and get back into pleasing each other again. I am not complaining! Lynn Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted April 26, 2005 Share Posted April 26, 2005 Lynn- Interesting that AD's had that affect on you...they normally have the exact opposite on most people. As a matter of fact, they're sometimes prescribed to people to REDUCE their drive. I know that they've had the normal affect on both me and my spouse in that area...which has made for some tough times, but we're learning how to deal with that. Link to post Share on other sites
phillygirl63 Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 My husband's affair really affected our sex life for a long time once I found out. I couldn't stand to have him sleep in the same bed with me, let alone touch me, for a loooonnnnnggggg time. I felt so betrayed in every aspect of our marriage and I had put a lot of effort into our sex life before I found out about the affair so I thought "to hell with that" when I found out. I also felt like he never did put that much effort into making sure my needs were taken care of - he truly never matured sexually in that way. But with marriage therapy, straight talk and time we have a much better sex life than before. He is making a lot of effort to please me and I am open once again to pleasing him. But truly, it takes time, I wasn't being vindictive (well...maybe just a little ) but I just could not stand to have him touch me knowing he had been with another woman. It made my skin crawl for a long time. I didn't feel bad about it either. I was experiencing raw emotions like I never felt and with a lot of effort and honesty, we worked through it. Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 Hey Rats is the affair known in the relationship by both of you or still secret? Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 I can't comment on the effect the affair had on the sex life because it was never known by her. I think you are looking for more of dealing with it once it is out in the open. Link to post Share on other sites
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