Need Some New Healing Tactics

[Mr. Goodguy]

Bro,

 

We are friends. Get a little strong each day and soon we will be through the door and stronger then ever. Remember your friends are seeing you and are applauding you. This is next level stuff. Your emotional maturity is increasing she is not growing.

 

" I aint what I should be but I aint what I used to be".

 

Here for you dude.

[Esraem]

Last night was good. I bring dinner home and we maybe talked a grand total of 10 min. She cut my hair. I tried to make small talk to no avail. She went outside for a smoke and we normally do it together, so I asked if she minded if I went out as well. She informed me that it didnt matter that I would go outside as well. I got a bit pissed. I had a friend asking me to come over so I finished the smoke and changed. She was a little shocked when I walked past her outside. She asked where I was going and I told her without stopping and I would see her when I got back. She was like ok? and just looked at me as I drove off. It was very freeing.

 

Going out tonight with my buddy and his wife tonight and they are bringing a friend. She went through the same situation last year.

 

Dinner and bowling. Should be fun to get out.

[Mr. Goodguy]

Buddy,

 

 

I envy you. I would love to have a moment like that. But there is a lesson there you need to see how far back away from her you can go. And good luck on your date. Who knows you may be meeting the love of your life. Got my fingers crossed. Be the fun loving guy women want to be around.

[Esraem]

Buddy,

 

 

I envy you. I would love to have a moment like that. But there is a lesson there you need to see how far back away from her you can go. And good luck on your date. Who knows you may be meeting the love of your life. Got my fingers crossed. Be the fun loving guy women want to be around.

 

Thanks. It was a good moment. I got home around two and just got into bed and straight to sleep. This morning there was no laying there not wanting to leave. I got up,got our daughter a shower, and got ready to go. As i was combing out my daughters hair, due to tangles, she was crying and my wife came out of the bedroom. Normally at this point she would tell me how I was doing it wrong and nag about it. This time she asked for the comb and told my daughter I was trying my best. She then actually informed us that she loved us.

 

I was a little cold and said, yep, have a good day. I think last night opened her eyes a bit, but it may be to little to late as I have not had a breakdown today and may be feeling ready to finally let go. I think me walking out last night did wonders for my ego and allowed me to "man" up.

[Mr. Goodguy]

Dude,

 

That is strong. The thing now is to let her know that you don't care whether she comes or goes. And you are right it may be a little too late so move forward accordingly. If she is not literally begging for your forgiveness nothing has changed she is just in a mood which can change very quickly.

 

Go have a great date my friend. Keep me posted

[2.50 a gallon]

Trying to find new hobbies

 

Try to look at this change in life as an opportunity.

 

How are your boys taking this? They might need you now more than ever. Try to deepen the bonds. And why not use a hobby as a starting place. A friend who went thru something similar, had always been fascinated with snakes, as was his boy. With mom out of the picture, her stop sign came down. So the two of them set up some snake tanks. They even went so far as to go on snake hunts to catch their own. His son, after college ended up with a career in the National Forests, and he claims that their turning to snakes was part of what got his son interested in the outdoors.

Maybe they are too old, but perhaps model trains, RC cars, planes, boats.

Or maybe customizing a car for them or yourself.

Fishing, fly tieing, hiking, rock climbing.

Have you ever heard of poison dart frogs? They are what their name says, their skin puts out a poison that the natives use for their darts in hunting. What makes them attractive is their

outlandish colors. They are beautiful.

Edited April 25, 2015 by 2.50 a gallon

[Esraem]

Dude,

 

That is strong. The thing now is to let her know that you don't care whether she comes or goes. And you are right it may be a little too late so move forward accordingly. If she is not literally begging for your forgiveness nothing has changed she is just in a mood which can change very quickly.

 

Go have a great date my friend. Keep me posted

 

It went well a bit nervous. It was fun. She thought it was only going to be a buddy and I. We ended up eating at a restaurant where the waitress thought we were married . That was a little awkward.

 

There were pictures on facebook and I didnt wear my ring. She was pissed that it wasnt just my friend and I and it ended up a double date. After saying it she tried backtracking to say it was because I didnt tell our daughter bye (happened to be at a friends).

 

It was a great night and I am interested in the single friend. Who knows. It was fun to see her squirm.

[jakrbbt]

When I went through a damn hard, damned distracting breakup in my twenties, and could not even focus on a hobby, could not exercise or sleep, the thing that saved me was: I did a last-minute application and started law school. (That's not why I did it, but.) It was like magic for my pain, and I never looked back.

 

Law school probably isn't going to be your exact thing, but I can tell you why it worked and we can reverse-engineer a solution for you. It was not just a hobby-- it was a supposed new beginning because it was meant to lead to a somewhat different future (new career). It was a hopeful thing to do-- something that was expected to yield some result.

 

And (this is probably what took the pain away fastest) it came with a social life. Suddenly I was meeting people every day who felt they all had a reason to get to know me and each other. They were more or less intellectual peers. Getting to know people who are also getting to know each other, will make it a lot harder to feel lonely or distracted.

 

 

School is the best way I know how to do that-- new, non-stupid social life with constructive daily activities. You could also get involved in your kids' schools-- do you think you'd like the other parents? Do you have any organizational or leadership skills? You could start a program for your sons that would be constructive and involve other people.

 

 

It's hard to make new friends in today's scene-- people are more isolated and things are less convenient. You have to get kind of clever, like a true extrovert. But again, the key is to know a few people who also know each other. That always feels less lonely than having a few individual friends who don't know each other. You might get to be the one to introduce the friends to each other.

 

But when I look back at all those horrible nights, they did seem impossible then, but I realize I would have absolutely gotten through them even without law school or new friends. It just would have taken longer. I agree with the idea of walking through your feelings, and do not underestimate time. And remember the objective point of view: You're slowly, painfully, dodging a nasty bullet here. I'm sure your wife had some great qualities, but the future with her would not have been promising from here on out. You're young enough to have a great "here on out." Keep posting.

[Mr. Goodguy]

Jakrbbt,

 

Thank you for the insight. I dont know if I would ever go back to school per say but I have always wanted to become a certified personal trainer maybe more for myself then anything else. I know that I need to do something because I do well and then nights like tonight for some reason her not being here hits me very hard. Then I begin to think of what she has done and I get pissed and start to realize having her back in my life would be a mistake anyway. I want to change my life into something totally different so I dont think about her at all eventually. I have met some new people just as friends and its nice to not have to say sorry Im married. The good thing is I have never had a problem meeting new people because I generally can become interested in them. Thats why I also thought about being a marriage counsellor at some point. Well I guess that I really just need to figure out exactly what would make me happy and just do it.

And 2.50 Gallon my kids are taking things pretty well I guess they are satisfied with the time that they are seeing her and dont seem to mind if I few days go by and they dont see her. I ask them all the time if they are ok and if there is anything that they would like to discuss they say no. The one thing that we did do right is raising strong boys. You guys thanks again for the help mean more then you will ever know

[Mr. Goodguy]

Jakrbbt,

 

My wife had some amazing qualities but she has become a worse person and maybe this has alway been her but she is someone that I have become disgusted with. She thinks this new way about her makes her strong but it makes her very ugly. The person that I knew is gone and I have to figure out in my head how to make her die in my head.

[jakrbbt]

It sounds like you need to grieve some, and that is so, so normal. It means good things about you-- that you're a caring person who makes connections and has to grieve when they are over. Another way of putting it is, it would be concerning if all this happened and you were going to bed happy and posting stuff like, "I don't feel a thing, this is fine!" I mean, part of me wishes for you that you could feel that way, but it's probably a good sign that you don't (yet).

 

When you think about her at night, it probably feels like you're not moving through a grieving process and healing, because part of what you're doing is thinking about the past and regretting stuff. But I think that that's a normal part of grieving, and it means you ARE moving through this process.

 

I can tell you're going to be fine because you are interested in other people and your children are doing well. I think pursuing a personal trainer career is a great idea and I have friends who have done that as a second career. I'm not sure why you can't go back to school, whether it's grades or money or time, but you could also become a counselor if you can get to be a clinical licensed social worker or just a licensed social worker-- if you're in the U.S., your state will have a board that certifies people. The board will list specifications for getting a license. In my state for example, I think it's 2 years of graduate school that includes several hours of field work, and then passing an exam.

 

I know you had certain expectations for the future-- marriage can do that-- but none of us can know the bends in the road that are thrown at us. Remind yourself that you are dealing with this bend with integrity. That is why you are living a full life here. I have a feeling that there are things in your future you couldn't have imagined, that will be very good for you and for your kids. I base that on your constructive attitude and that fact that you're a responsible person who is interested in other human beings.

[Mr. Goodguy]

jakrbbt,

 

Thanks again for the support. I know I am getting better I ran into her at the store and really didnt feel anything. It was weird but it felt good. It must be working because I saw a friend of our and she said my ex told her that she knows I am done when she looks in my eyes the are ice cold to her. And as far as school just told myself that I was done with school but you know things change and maybe its time to look at some new options. And I am definately a people person that was one thing my ex used to say you know everyone and you can talk to anyone. Its because if you are a good person I am intrigued. I take friends very seriously and my friends would do anything for me because I would do it for them. I have 2 types of people in my life friends or just muther******s I know...Its up to how a person is which determines in what area they fall. Happy to say all of you guys are friends. Thank you again.