Need to reblock his number before I fall back into the trap

[Lovleynight]

Not totally sure I'm posting in the right place, but I've been so relating to the stories in this section so I will start by posting here. My relationship isn't with a married man, but he is still involved with his girlfriend and they have 2 small kids who are 2 and 3 years old. We met when we were both going through a hard time, my longtime boyfriend had just moved away for a new job and we'd been doing LDR for a year while I figured out if I wanted to move. I felt abandoned by him for leaving even if for a job when I didn't want to move. I have a good job - plus I was just about to turn 40, no kids. It felt like he was killing my chance of having a family by uprooting at that time. Well... he was, I just turned 42 and still no kids.

 

OM had just split with BBM while she was pregnant with baby #2 - they were living separately. The fight that caused their split was bad, cops were called. OM and I met at a bar through a mutual friend, the next morning I woke up in bed with OM and didn't remember anything. This led to the breakup of my LDR. I cancelled our monthly weekend together (with LDR) due to guilt about one night stand at bar. He caught me offguard and asked me point blank if I'd cheated on him. I tried to lie but burst into tears, couldn't lie to LDR we've always been honest with each other. We broke up, well technically he went to rehab, he's been sober for 2 year now though, yay for him. We're still good friends and he remains my emotional support.

 

Anyway back to OM, we started seeing each other alot, mainly it was just for sex. I was still in love with LDR. OM's side of his story was that BBM was a crazy bitch, he hated her and she wouldn't let him see the kids and all he wanted was to be a good dad. About 3 months into it, I started to have feelings for OM because of all the sex, but at that point he was pulling away and I couldn't figure out why when he'd been so into me in the beginning. BBM was constantly texting him "bitching" in his words and would make up excuses about the kids being sick, hurt, etc to get him to leave a date with me to go check on her. I hardly ever texted him, because sometimes he wouldn't respond which would hurt my feelings, which I told him. That didn't matter though so we got to where I never text him, I would always wait for him to text me. Finally I told him I deserve better, kind of thinking he would straighten out, but no he just stopped calling and texting me and I wasn't about to contact him first. We went four months NC, during that time I FB stalked BBM and friends of his (he doesn't have FB) come to find out he had a new GF. I could tell by FB that BBM put an end to his relationship with new GF as soon as people started talking about it on FB. He and BBM reconcile, but within 2 months, guess what? That's right OM is back to texting me.

 

We played the cat and mouse game for a bit and then started seeing each other again LC for about 6 months, then suddenly I didn't hear from him for 6 weeks. I was hurt, but was able to kind of shrug it off this time, like that's just what he does. He must be back into BBM again. Turns out he got a new phone from work, and he put my number in wrong. I would have never believed that BS story if it wasn't for the fact that his behavior completely changed and he said he really thought that I'd gotten a boyfriend. Starting then and for the next few months he was back to contacting me several times a week, texting to say goodnight and taking me on dates, we were for the 2nd time "acting" like boyfriend and girlfriend. BUT of course after a few months of that, he started pulling away again. This time it hurt again, I'd gotten close again as much as I would act like everything was cool, it wasn't.

 

I realize now and particularly through reading these boards - I've just been an OW through this whole thing. I don't think BBM is nearly as crazy as I've been led to believe, or if she is it's just because he's made her crazy. I couldn't understand how he'd be so into me and then suddenly bam pulls away. I always let him have his space when he had the boys for the weekend, and I even often suspected BBM was there with him at those times. I didn't want to interfere with that, but I also know I deserve better than to be OW - second choice. This has gone on for 2 years, and I spent Valentine's, my birthday and St. Patty's day alone already this year. Twice I've left dates early to run to him when he decides to text me. I also had someone ask me out for St. Patty's but I told him I'd let him know because I was waiting to hear from OM - which I never did. 3 weeks ago I went NC and blocked his number, I could feel he was already pulling away again anyway. But then I saw in my voicemails there's a section called "Blocked calls" He left a drunk message I can't even understand at 12:30 in the morning, the only part I can make out is my name and call me. He must have been texting for a few days to finally call, but I didn't hear that message until 3 days later. When I saw that I sent him a message that just said "I just saw you called, I've been taking time to myself, hope you are doing good." I didn't expect a reply and didn't get one althogh I did unblock his number. I saw on FB that he and BBM were at our friends house for a birthday party on Friday.

 

I know I need to reblock the number. This relationship will never go anywhere. It's still hard though. And we had really great sex, although last night I realized he can't do a damn thing for me that my vibrator can't also do. I just read over what all I wrote and it all sounds so juvenile. I'm 42 years old for crap's sake. So ridiculous, except for the vibrator part, that's totally true lol. What's my question? Why is it so hard to let go of this fake relationship that's only holding me back?

[whichwayisup]

Dig down deep and ask yourself why you really can't end cut him out of your life? You know he's greatly exaggerated his home life with his girlfriend, mother of his children, painting her in the worst possible light, making her out to be the devil. Lies! He of course, made himself into the king, the perfect one who didn't do anything wrong and the demise of their R was her fault. Lies! He has led you on, played you for a fool and you DO see what's what.

 

So, what's stopping you? Fear? Loneliness?

 

You have wasted 2 years of your life on him, get strong and seek counseling if you can't do this on your own, end it, block him, grieve him and move on. He IS living life with his gf, whatever it is between them is not over. They have two very young children that bonds them together and he's not ready to give it all up and start over with you. You deserve much more than being his secret side dish and if you stay on like this, YOU lose out and will miss any future opportunities of finding a great (single) guy who will love just you and only you.

 

Please, talk to your trusted friends, listen to them, listen to the advice you're gonna get on here and don't let fear or not having him in your life anymore rule or take over. You know what you have to do...

[Lovleynight]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my whole story and to respond thoughtfully. This is very helpful and what you say is true, both fear and loneliness are holding me back. When we were on break for 4 months before, I missed him. I felt like I stood my ground with him, but I lost, he just went and got another girlfriend. So after he came back around again I started settling for crumbs.

 

I've been in IC for 3 years (since my LDR moved), but I've downplayed this relationship for a lot of our sessions, he only comes up every now and then because I've been lying to myself about how much I care and how much it bothers me to be treated with less respect than I deserve. I've just started to look at it for what it really is, and it's painful. Part of me wants to put the blinders back on, but a bigger part of me knows I'll never get what I want out of life if I don't make a change. I have a real hard time with goodbyes and with loss, my mom died when I was 13 and my dad died 6 months before LDR moved. Endings and the whole grieving process are things I try to avoid, but I've also been through it all before and I do know the only way out is through.

 

Finally, another irrational fear about the situation is that I feel like if I just disappear BBM wins. Of course that's crazy, look a what she "wins", a cheater and a liar that I don't want anyway. I've never wanted to be his girlfriend forever, look how he treats the one he has! But I've just used that as an excuse to the relationship continue. It was all ok because I didn't really want him anyway (although I did, just not forever). I kept telling myself it would only continue until I met someone I could actually love. Problem is, I'm not open to meet someone I could really love when all my physical and emotional energy is focused on him.

 

I've actually always felt sorry for her, even in the beginning when I naively believed that he didn't have love feelings for her anymore (ridiculous - they'd just had a 2nd baby!). When he'd call her a bitch I'd always try to get him to understand how terribly hard it must be for her raising 2 small babies both under 3 years old by herself. He would get mad at me for "taking her side".

 

Thanks for letting me get all of this out, I haven't been facing reality and the above paragraph is full of inconsistencies (I don't want him but I do??)

Edited April 22, 2015 by Lovleynight

[anika99]

You really should open up about this with your IC. There is no point in being in therapy if you aren't honest and open.

 

 

I think this really comes down to your ego. You don't want the other girlfriend to win, you don't want him but you do, which to me reads like you know he is bad news but you don't want him to go be happy with someone else. I get the feeling that if you knew walking away from him would leave him heartbroken and he would be all alone, you would do it in a heartbeat. You don't want him but you don't want him to be with anyone else. However you know that when you walk away he's just going to keep seeing his gf while looking for new chicks to bang and that knowledge is a blow to your ego. It's like you keep hanging in there in the hopes that there will come a point where ending the relationship hurts him more than it hurts you. Then ending the relationship will feel like a win to you, but if you leave him and he doesn't even care then you feel like the loser. In my opinion this is a battle between what your head knows and what your ego wants and not very much to do with the guy at all. I could be way wrong. You should talk to your therapist about it.

[Lovleynight]

You really should open up about this with your IC. There is no point in being in therapy if you aren't honest and open.

 

Yes I agree 100%! It's not that I haven't been honest with her, it's that I haven't been honest with myself about how this situation has affected me, until about 3 weeks ago. The last time I saw her was a month ago, and we touched briefly on this, but I was still pretending to myself that I'm in control, it's not that big of a deal, I can handle it - the benefits are worth ignoring the BS and sometimes hurt feelings which I was just sweeping under the rug to everyone else. I have an appointment with her tonight, and we will be focused on this relationship.

 

 

I think this really comes down to your ego.

 

Yes, I agree this very much involves/hurts my ego/pride

 

 

You don't want the other girlfriend to win, you don't want him but you do, which to me reads like you know he is bad news but you don't want him to go be happy with someone else. I get the feeling that if you knew walking away from him would leave him heartbroken and he would be all alone, you would do it in a heartbeat.

 

This is an interesting thought and there may be some truth here but this doesn't totally ring true.

 

 

You don't want him but you don't want him to be with anyone else. However you know that when you walk away he's just going to keep seeing his gf while looking for new chicks to bang and that knowledge is a blow to your ego. It's like you keep hanging in there in the hopes that there will come a point where ending the relationship hurts him more than it hurts you. Then ending the relationship will feel like a win to you, but if you leave him and he doesn't even care then you feel like the loser.

This is some truth in this statement ^^

 

 

In my opinion this is a battle between what your head knows and what your ego wants and not very much to do with the guy at all. I could be way wrong. You should talk to your therapist about it.

Yes, this is a battle between my head and my heart, and then yes you are right my ego is in there getting in the way too. I do care about him and I haven't mentioned any of the good things I was getting out of the relationship. We actually get along very well we’ve never argued, we both admit we have a great time when we are together and aside from not ever talking about our relationship, which we never do because honestly neither of us want to, we can and do talk about anything else in our current lives and our past freely. We actually do really care for each other in our own made up little world where we are together only when we are actually together. He's told 2 of our friends that he loves me but knows that I don't really want to be with him, he would never say this to me. There is truth in that, but the other truth is that, if I did want to be with him in any real way, he would not leave BBM for me. He's not done with her and yes the babies bond them - and they need him. I don't blame him one bit for that part. I don't want him to be unhappy per se, but you're right I don't want him to be happy while I’m left unhappy and alone. However, if I was with someone else I truly loved, I would absolutely want him and BBM to be happy - my own loneliness is the bigger problem to me.

 

 

 

Also, just realized my original post focused on the sexual aspect of our relationship, and that is how we started out and that is the lie I’ve been telling myself, but the truth is, and this is what I haven’t wanted to admit, is that it is about more than just sex. Clearly, it’s gone on for 2 years.

[Lovleynight]

I've been doing good, no contact for 32 days, but I removed the text block from my phone a week ago when I saw his call in my blocked messages section. Last night he texted to see what I'm doing invite me over, I said I'm taking time for myself right now. He asked if I want him to leave me alone, said he will if that's what I want. I said it's not that I don't want to see him I just have to figure out what's best for me. He said so you're going to bed then, I said yeah. Already thinking about him more today. I want to run over there tonight and crawl right in his bed. I know I need to block his number again. This is not no contact, I'm just afraid to close the door and seal it shut. I want to keep it open a crack. I know it's not good.

[Lovleynight]

I'm staying strong and still NC, but I think about breaking it especially since he's been trying to see me. Although I know he probably won't reach out again after I've turned him down twice. A part of me really really wants to see him. Sometimes I rationalize "just one more time" although I know that will just kick it all back up again and we'll have a good time for awhile and then I'll get hurt. He has nothing to offer me but disappointment. It's not worth it. I need to remember that.

[whichwayisup]

I've been doing good, no contact for 32 days, but I removed the text block from my phone a week ago when I saw his call in my blocked messages section. Last night he texted to see what I'm doing invite me over, I said I'm taking time for myself right now. He asked if I want him to leave me alone, said he will if that's what I want. I said it's not that I don't want to see him I just have to figure out what's best for me. He said so you're going to bed then, I said yeah. Already thinking about him more today. I want to run over there tonight and crawl right in his bed. I know I need to block his number again. This is not no contact, I'm just afraid to close the door and seal it shut. I want to keep it open a crack. I know it's not good.

 

Why did you unblock him?! Then read and reply back?

 

What are you so afraid of? You managed 32 days of NC and you didn't die. You survived it! You're right, it isn't good. Stop making bad choices for yourself and fight the urge to keep him in your life. No good can come of it.

[whichwayisup]

I'm staying strong and still NC, but I think about breaking it especially since he's been trying to see me. Although I know he probably won't reach out again after I've turned him down twice. A part of me really really wants to see him. Sometimes I rationalize "just one more time" although I know that will just kick it all back up again and we'll have a good time for awhile and then I'll get hurt. He has nothing to offer me but disappointment. It's not worth it. I need to remember that.

 

Block him. You know deep down you're very strong and need to just fight the ego, fight the fear and buckle down and block him again. Cut him out of your life once and for all. That pain will be final and you can grieve, really grieve the loss instead of hanging onto shreds of hope, having little fixes when you two are in contact. What's the point? Your A is over and things are going no where.

[Lovleynight]

Why did you unblock him?! Then read and reply back?

 

What are you so afraid of? You managed 32 days of NC and you didn't die. You survived it! You're right, it isn't good. Stop making bad choices for yourself and fight the urge to keep him in your life. No good can come of it.

 

The thing is I know I can stay NC even through it's hard right now, but what I fear is that I'm going to regret it if I cut him out, that he'll get mad at me and be done with me and then I'll wish he was still trying to get in touch with me. I know that sounds crazy because that is the point of NC, but that's what I'm afraid of too.

[Lovleynight]

Just this:

http://youtu.be/sBRPOBm30Pg

 

I'm so glad these boards are anonymous, what a great thing.

[GirlStillStrong]

I used to be like what you describe and age has got nothing to do with it. As long as I looked to a man to resolve my emotional issues, heal my pain, give me those things I never received in childhood, I remained stuck. As soon as I learned how to own, really own, my life, all of that changed. I finally took responsibility for my self, my life, my decisions, my support. And yes, my desires. I let go of the idea that men are supposed to make all the hard decisions, provide for me financially, fulfill my needs, and accept me unconditionally. It was all just a dream. Reality is pretty boring now but at least I have my sanity.

 

Three years of IC should have you further along.

[Lovleynight]

I hear what you're saying girl, but you don't sound too happy either...?

[Lovleynight]

I used to be like what you describe and age has got nothing to do with it. As long as I looked to a man to resolve my emotional issues, heal my pain, give me those things I never received in childhood, I remained stuck. As soon as I learned how to own, really own, my life, all of that changed. I finally took responsibility for my self, my life, my decisions, my support. And yes, my desires. I let go of the idea that men are supposed to make all the hard decisions, provide for me financially, fulfill my needs, and accept me unconditionally. It was all just a dream. Reality is pretty boring now but at least I have my sanity.

 

Three years of IC should have you further along.

 

I also don't think it's fair for anyone else to say how far I should be along in life (whatever that really means) having not walked in my shoes.

[whichwayisup]

The thing is I know I can stay NC even through it's hard right now, but what I fear is that I'm going to regret it if I cut him out, that he'll get mad at me and be done with me and then I'll wish he was still trying to get in touch with me. I know that sounds crazy because that is the point of NC, but that's what I'm afraid of too.

 

1)What will your regrets be?

2)Who cares if he is angry at you? If you cut him out, it means you are ready to move on, right? The guy is married and that's not changing. So, end it, do the NC and suffer it out! I bet within a few weeks you'll see much more clearly your situation and be objective, you'll feel better and also understand that 'fear' is only holding you back from doing what you know you need to do.

 

Stop being so afraid of feeling loss, feeling pain. That pain is actually a good thing because it'll mean you're facing your fears and coping, relying on friends and people on here to help you. You will become stronger and wiser. Sure you'll have some down and out, sad crappy days but you'll have some wonderful and happier days too.

 

If you do nothing and allow things to go on as they are, your life stays the same and you're stuck feeling blah and settling.

[GirlStillStrong]

I didn't mean that as a judgment against you at all. Sorry I was not clear. I meant that the therapist should be helping you better and maybe you might want to look for another one.

[GirlStillStrong]

I hear what you're saying girl, but you don't sound too happy either...?

 

Was this for me? (not sure so sorry for my response if not). Relationships have never made me happy. Having fun with guys, hanging out, doing things together, going places together, etc are what make me happy. But then they want to be in committed relationships and that's when all the expectations and responsibilities come pouring in, and all the fun stops. I much prefer to do my own thing, live my own life, and let them live theirs. My life is a hundred times better since I changed my expectations of men as described above.

[GypsumSatellite]

The BBm isn't crazy - yes, he's made her that way. He goes back to her when he's done sampling other women and he drives the other women crazy by saying she's hassling him. So, only his needs get met in this situation. The kids get used as pawns, the BBM isn't getting a good relationship without threats, any OW he has are getting sex and drunken bootycalls like you.

 

Maybe the reason it's so hard to quit him is because all the fighting for his attention made it feel like you were winning something for once? If you ex LDR was an aocoholic and your OM sounds unable to handle his alcohol as well, maybe these are a bad pool of people to be trying to date and that should be the first order of business in IC as to why you choose such wounded and unavailable men to become attached to?

 

There's a validation there you're looking for and it goes way back throughout your life. That's something you need to work with your IC on. Fix that esteem issue or cluster of issues and you'll have the strength to go NC forever. At 42, you certainly deserve a better shake at love and companionship than this.

[Lovleynight]

1)

 

What will your regrets be?

 

In the long run I won't have any regrets about ending it sooner than later, but right now I miss him since I haven't seen him in over a month. Still going through withdrawal I guess, not thinking clearly.

 

2)Who cares if he is angry at you?

 

I shouldn't care, but I tend to be a people-pleaser, it's something I'm working on in IC.

 

If you cut him out, it means you are ready to move on, right? The guy is married and that's not changing.

 

He's not married, but you're right, his situation is not going to change for a long time, those babies are way too young. And also, he's not really a good guy...

 

So, end it, do the NC and suffer it out! I bet within a few weeks you'll see much more clearly your situation and be objective, you'll feel better and also understand that 'fear' is only holding you back from doing what you know you need to do.

 

That's the plan, it's just difficult, that's why I'm reading and posting here.

 

Stop being so afraid of feeling loss, feeling pain. That pain is actually a good thing because it'll mean you're facing your fears and coping, relying on friends and people on here to help you. You will become stronger and wiser. Sure you'll have some down and out, sad crappy days but you'll have some wonderful and happier days too.

 

Thanks for the bolded parts WhichWay, I feel the same and keep telling myself that, but it helps to hear someone else say it! Or type it lol

 

If you do nothing and allow things to go on as they are, your life stays the same and you're stuck feeling blah and settling.

 

^^100% truth^^

[Lovleynight]

This is an edit, I posted the same thing twice, still getting the hang of how to post properly

[Lovleynight]

I didn't mean that as a judgment against you at all. Sorry I was not clear. I meant that the therapist should be helping you better and maybe you might want to look for another one.

Thanks, I was just being overly-sensitive.

[Lovleynight]

Was this for me? (not sure so sorry for my response if not). Relationships have never made me happy. Having fun with guys, hanging out, doing things together, going places together, etc are what make me happy. But then they want to be in committed relationships and that's when all the expectations and responsibilities come pouring in, and all the fun stops. I much prefer to do my own thing, live my own life, and let them live theirs. My life is a hundred times better since I changed my expectations of men as described above.

 

Yes this was for you GSS. Interesting... IMO, relationships (all types) are the only thing in life that really matter at all. It troubles me that you say relationships have never made you happy!

 

I don't have any such expectations of men taking care of me. I've always taken care of myself, I moved out on my own at 16 and have worked and supported myself all the way including putting myself through college (took 12 years but I did it) and continue to support myself with a good job. No problems in that department. If my personal life were going half as good as my professional life I'd be made in the shade.

[GirlStillStrong]

Me too. Moved out young, put myself through college, have always been independent. I guess what was important for me, looking back, was the emotional aspect. I had high expectations that they would "be the one," be loving, kind, and committed, and I never got that. I've given up thinking I ever will. It's sad but there you have it.

[Lovleynight]

GAH, I was doing ok for the most part with this NC for the past few days, but suddenly I am struggling and I did it all to myself. Literally on my lunch hour while I was walking my dog I somehow convinced myself that it would be ok to text him and say, Let's see each other one more time and then be done. In my sick twisted little mind I know that it doesn't matter what I say, he's been trying to see me, and I haven't seen him so it doesn't matter what I say, he'll be happy to see me at this point.

 

I've been thinking about this for the past 3 hours and let me tell ya I'm all kinds of excited about this new idea that it would be ok to see him one more time as long as that's the last time. This ridiculous hair-brained idea. I've already planned out our whole night, where we'll go (one of our favorite places not far from his house), what I'll wear, what we'll talk about (all the little silly things that have happened in the past 5 weeks while we haven't seen each other, just the little things we would normally keep up to date on), and of course the whole bedroom scene. I haven't been this excited about anything since I started NC.

 

So I'm just making excuses to myself as to why it would be ok to see him "one more time":

1) Because last time we were together we didn't know it was the last time. (I hate goodbye's though, doesn't really sound fun)

2) Because we never talked about the reason I started NC (for the most part I think we both know why I started NC though)

3) Because I just started NC on him without telling him (So?, that's how NC works right)

4.) He's tried to get in touch with me twice and I said no, he probably won't try again. (So, that's how NC works right?)

5) I told him I'm trying to figure out what's best for me, so it would be ok to send a text saying it needs to end, but lets have one more night of fun. (What?)

 

I think my brain is sick right now. I hate to even post this, but I fear the alternative... sending the text. I might still do it, the feeling is strong, but maybe it will pass.

 

Even as I type this, there's a little voice in my head saying, it would be ok as long as it really is the last time. You could end on a positive instead of just cutting him off with no explanation. There is a part of me that is buying that story, could it be true? Could we really end it that way, have one more night together, briefly touch on the reason it's the last time and then be done for good? I'm almost ashamed to post this nonsense.

[Lovleynight]

What a bad place I was in yesterday, felt like it came on suddenly. After work I called my girlfriend and told her I was tempted to text him so she came over with pizza and wine. I'm lucky to have a good friends that love me. After she left I texted him goodnight. He said why are you going to bed and I wrote back I'm just tired, which is so true. Then I blocked his number. This just has to be the end of it, there's not going to be some magical scenario that will bring me any closure. I know I just need to be done and that's all there is to it. I am feeling a little better today. Lets try this again, Day 1 NC.