Grapesofwrath Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 Yesterday, my MM phoned me and was in excruciating pain. I'd never heard him sound like that. Without going into too much detail, he was looking for some medical guidance. After staying on the phone with him much of the night, talking and texting, I advised him to see his doctor right away to be evaluated. He returned home to the city where he lives this morning (it's about a 60-minute drive) and sought medical attention. He went to the hospital there and was found to have appendicitis, as expected. I waited all day to hear from him and started to worry after several hours had gone by and I'd heard nothing. (I'm sure his BW was nearby and he couldn't contact me.) Tonight he went in for his appendectomy. He texted me just before going in to surgery to let me know what was going on and to tell me he'd get in touch tomorrow. This is a low-risk procedure, I know, but it's worrisome to not know for sure that he did well in surgery and that he's recovering comfortably. I am filled with so many conflicting feelings right now: Concern for his welfare, frustration at being shut out of his care, the usual disillusionment over his ability to deceive the BW, and just plain confusion. Not really asking for advice -- though I'll take words of wisdom if you have them -- more just needing to vent and have no one to talk to about this. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 Try not to worry too much. He is in good hands. There's not much you can do, so try to keep busy and focused on other things/people in your life in the meantime. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 Concern for his welfare, frustration at being shut out of his care, the usual disillusionment over his ability to deceive the BW, and just plain confusion. Does this make you re think everything? Just how manipulative and what a good liar he is? Maybe take this time and reevaluate... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grapesofwrath Posted April 22, 2015 Author Share Posted April 22, 2015 Does this make you re think everything? Just how manipulative and what a good liar he is? Maybe take this time and reevaluate... Thanks, WWIU. It doesn't make me rethink everything, just adds a dimension and makes clear the severe limitations of this arrangement. I mean...I can't visit him, can't call him, can't even text to check on him. I'm just shut out, after spending hours last night helping, comforting, and supporting him. I don't think he's lying about this, if that's what you mean. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 (edited) So you get shut out when something this important comes up - I think WWIU was trying to point out the obvious - he calls when it's convenient for him. Other than that his wife is número uno. I think she was hoping you would rethink being number two. Wouldn't you prefer a man who makes you his top (and main) priority? I think it's sad that he used you to comfort HIM all night but didn't have the decency to reach out to you to allow you some pace of mind once he knew what was going on. Edited April 22, 2015 by beach 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grapesofwrath Posted April 22, 2015 Author Share Posted April 22, 2015 So you get shut out when something this important comes up - I think WWIU was trying to point out the obvious - he calls when it's convenient for him. Other than that his wife is número uno. I think she was hoping you would rethink being number two. Wouldn't you prefer a man who makes you his top (and main) priority? I think it's sad that he used you to comfort HIM all night but didn't have the decency to reach out to you to allow you some pace of mind once he knew what was going on. Yes, I definitely would prefer a man of my own. And I agree that he is selfish in this case...and in nearly every case. I agree with what you're saying. Taking action on it is another matter. I have another opportunity, each day, to make a different choice. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 You just begin - one step at a time each day... To make effort to be better to yourself - to make choices that include the best choices for yourself. No one will look out for your best interest if you don't do that FOR YOURSELF... You can begin making those conscious choices for a better future. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 Thanks, WWIU. It doesn't make me rethink everything, just adds a dimension and makes clear the severe limitations of this arrangement. I mean...I can't visit him, can't call him, can't even text to check on him. I'm just shut out, after spending hours last night helping, comforting, and supporting him. I don't think he's lying about this, if that's what you mean. I didn't mean him being in the hospital, I meant overall - Fact is, he's having an A and hidden extremely well from his wife. For someone to do that has skills to lie very well. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 (edited) Grapes, I hope people don't take this opportunity to take you to task for being OW. This happened to me, he had barely separated and the pain was his chest. I had to threaten to call an ambulance before he drove himself to the e.r. It was his widow maker, he had a blocked artery and could have dropped dead. I was 1700 miles away and his ex wife parked herself in a chair and didn't leave for 24 hours. He had surgery hours later and I could not be there. Would not have been welcome because his family didn't know about me. It is a very difficult situation and my heart goes out to you. Love and light to your guy and to you. Hang in there. Xx Edited April 22, 2015 by goodyblue 5 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 I hope people don't take this opportunity to take you to task for being OW. Respectfully, the only reason why I said what I did in the second reply to her was because she mentioned this "the usual disillusionment over his ability to deceive the BW, and just plain confusion". Just thought I'd touch on that because she brought it up. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 You just begin - one step at a time each day... To make effort to be better to yourself - to make choices that include the best choices for yourself. No one will look out for your best interest if you don't do that FOR YOURSELF... You can begin making those conscious choices for a better future. That's great, and rah-rah-rah, but really, can't there ever be sometimes when OW can post on their own forum and get support for where they are NOW without having to endure the BS lectures? I don't disagree with you, but it would be nice if EVERYTHING was not an automatic lecture from the BS perspective. I doubt that is what this forum was intended to be about. 12 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 Does this make you re think everything? Just how manipulative and what a good liar he is? Maybe take this time and reevaluate... More lectures. Really? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 That's great, and rah-rah-rah, but really, can't there ever be sometimes when OW can post on their own forum and get support for where they are NOW without having to endure the BS lectures? I don't disagree with you, but it would be nice if EVERYTHING was not an automatic lecture from the BS perspective. I doubt that is what this forum was intended to be about. It had nothing to do with a BS perspective. It only had to do with her deserving to be the priority to any man. When I post on this site it rarely occurs to me what I have been... I view it from a perspective of honoring self and having the best life possible for happiness. To be quite honest I'm surprised at your post - I didn't mention anything but encouragement for a better future. Stop reading into more than what's posted. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 More lectures. Really? Hope - this isn't helpful. Are you ok tonight? Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 Yesterday, my MM phoned me and was in excruciating pain. I'd never heard him sound like that. Without going into too much detail, he was looking for some medical guidance. After staying on the phone with him much of the night, talking and texting, I advised him to see his doctor right away to be evaluated. He returned home to the city where he lives this morning (it's about a 60-minute drive) and sought medical attention. He went to the hospital there and was found to have appendicitis, as expected. I waited all day to hear from him and started to worry after several hours had gone by and I'd heard nothing. (I'm sure his BW was nearby and he couldn't contact me.) Tonight he went in for his appendectomy. He texted me just before going in to surgery to let me know what was going on and to tell me he'd get in touch tomorrow. This is a low-risk procedure, I know, but it's worrisome to not know for sure that he did well in surgery and that he's recovering comfortably. I am filled with so many conflicting feelings right now: Concern for his welfare, frustration at being shut out of his care, the usual disillusionment over his ability to deceive the BW, and just plain confusion. Not really asking for advice -- though I'll take words of wisdom if you have them -- more just needing to vent and have no one to talk to about this. This is a tough one. It really does make you think. It also hurts a lot to not be able to be there, I would imagine. I haven't been in this specific situation, but it would be incredibly hard - maybe would be a wake-up call later too. Always the hardest part of an A is that you may not be on the short list if something happens to him. In your case, you helped him find his way into the healthcare system, and then to have to leave would be really tough. I'm sorry - but, it is something to think about seriously. I hope he is okay. Sometimes life events give you a new perspective on things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 Hope - this isn't helpful. Are you ok tonight? Excuse me? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 It had nothing to do with a BS perspective. It only had to do with her deserving to be the priority to any man. When I post on this site it rarely occurs to me what I have been... I view it from a perspective of honoring self and having the best life possible for happiness. To be quite honest I'm surprised at your post - I didn't mention anything but encouragement for a better future. Stop reading into more than what's posted. Sometimes, maybe just reply to the OP instead of bringing in an agenda. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 Hope - this isn't helpful. Are you ok tonight? beach, sometimes people just need support for where they are. I agree with you about how affairs are wrong, but when a person is going through something like what this OP is dealing with now, it's not the time for lectures. It's the time to understand how much it can hurt. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 More lectures. Really? I wasn't lecturing her, you know that wasn't my intention. She brought up something in her original post and I just asked her a question about it. This is a tough one. It really does make you think. It also hurts a lot to not be able to be there, I would imagine. I haven't been in this specific situation, but it would be incredibly hard - maybe would be a wake-up call later too. This is more or less what I was saying to her, asking her to think a bit. You just worded it differently but we're saying the same thing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Doublegold Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 (edited) Grapes thinking of you and hoping he heals quickly. Stay strong. As far as the posts that went OFF TOPIC during a time of much needed support for the OP, maybe you should rethink your post or better yet, go crawl in bed next to your Husbands instead of posting digs during what is obviously a difficult time for the OP. Why are you trawling this site to begin with if you have such disdain for OM/OW? Because there is no support needed of the kind just offered. Plenty of time to reflect on said wake up call when the emergency is past. I believe she has enough to "think" and worry about right now. Edited April 22, 2015 by Doublegold 5 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 (edited) beach, sometimes people just need support for where they are. I agree with you about how affairs are wrong, but when a person is going through something like what this OP is dealing with now, it's not the time for lectures. It's the time to understand how much it can hurt. I don't lecture and I didn't mention the affair. I only encouraged her to treat herself kindly and with respect - and to expect others to as well. You read something I didn't type. Edited April 22, 2015 by beach 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Doublegold Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 I see Passive Aggressive People. A defense mechanism that allows people who aren't comfortable being openly aggressive get what they want under the guise of still trying to please others. They want their way, but they also want everyone to still like them. Goodnight. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grapesofwrath Posted April 22, 2015 Author Share Posted April 22, 2015 Update: he is out of recovery and resting comfortably. That is a big relief. Don't know how he managed to txt me so soon after surgery, but I'm grateful to know he's okay and on the mend. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 I see Passive Aggressive People. A defense mechanism that allows people who aren't comfortable being openly aggressive get what they want under the guise of still trying to please others. They want their way, but they also want everyone to still like them. Goodnight. You know what I say about being passive aggressive? You can't be both, pick one! Grapes, I.am so glad he is ok. It is a huge relief, I know. Try to get some rest and take heart in that he reached you so quickly. Keep us updated, there are those of us who care about your well being without judgement. Xx 4 Link to post Share on other sites
AngeliqueC Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 Grapes, maybe after he recuperates, it's time for a nice long talk about the 'what ifs' in life and how those are complicated by being in an affair. He needs to know what you expect, and he needs to be straight up with you about what he can or can't give you when the going gets rough (like this). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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