MM in the hospital

[still_an_Angel]

This is tough OP, this is one of the situations where the OW is forced to wait by the sidelines hoping to get some info as to what is going on. Its time to put a plan in place for situations like these, there should be a contact person for you who would be in a position to tell you what is truly going on.

 

 

I understand your position, my MM travels overseas quite a bit and I climb the walls when he goes out of the country. He has a trusted friend who will contact me if something happens, and I can inquire from said friend the info I seek. Not to be morbid but we even have a plan in place in case he passes on, I will have a very small opportunity to say my goodbye.

[minimariah]

i'm sorry you're going through this, OP but i'm glad he is okay.

[gettingstronger]

I think you're a neat person, so please read to the end of the post to get my point-now that he is on the mend, can we discuss the situation and how it effects you?- I am a teacher, so we spend a lot of time analyzing scenes in literature so bear with me if this is odd-

 

Here is what I see, if I was reading this in a book-

 

Him- a person that can not make a simple medical decision about himself without others showing him the way-kind of an odd undertone to me

 

You- a nurturing, caring person with the intelligence and knowledge to steer another through a mini-crisis-yet, you are left feeling alone, isolated and worried-

 

That hurts my heart to think of your talents being wasted in a relationship that does not allow them to shine- it kind of comes down to that in my mind-you wanted to be able to continue to care and be there and you could not so it left you feeling empty-

 

I hope that you take some time to think about you, you are a nurturer by nature it seems- hope you will figure out if this relationship rewards you for that, instead of just rewarding him-

[whatatangledweb]

I'm glad he was able to tell you he is doing well after surgery. I know you must have been very frightened.

[Popsicle]

That's great, and rah-rah-rah, but really, can't there ever be sometimes when OW can post on their own forum and get support for where they are NOW without having to endure the BS lectures?

 

I don't disagree with you, but it would be nice if EVERYTHING was not an automatic lecture from the BS perspective. I doubt that is what this forum was intended to be about.

 

They'll never stop. Everything is about them, even in this forum.

 

As to the OP, just wait until YOU have to be hospitalized on emergency and he is not there for you. It feels twice as worse. These are the kind of things that slowly wake you up.

Edited April 22, 2015 by Popsicle

[Auspecial]

I think this situation adds a whole new level to the exclusion from his real life. If you love each other, helping each other through crisis is something you both would be drawn to do.

 

I've never been in a cheating r-ship, but something similar causedme to re-think and break up with a man.

 

He had been divorced two years. His ex wife was remarried. But, he still didn't want me around his 11 yr old (the rest were adults.) At least, not a lot, because he felt it made his ex wife mad, and less likely to her her stay with him.

 

At one point his oldest son became extremely ill, was in ICU on life support.

Of course, I was upset about that and wanted to come and give my support, and my ideas since I am familiar with that setting. His ex wife had flown in from another state. He wanted me there, but didn't want to rock the boat with her and his youngest. Very disconcerting to me, that I am "sneaking in," and I haven't even done anything wrong. She is married, and he can't even have a girlfriend?

 

It appeared that either he wasn't really seeing me as a potential partner, or that it was just too messed up situation for it to ever really work, and I was wasting my time.

 

I felt very excluded. What was the point of carrying on with this? I waited until his son was doing better, and I told him it just couldn't go on.

 

I want to be with someone who includes me in all aspects of their life, not excludes me from even them most extreme.

[Popsicle]

 

At one point his oldest son became extremely ill, was in ICU on life support.

Of course, I was upset about that and wanted to come and give my support, and my ideas since I am familiar with that setting. His ex wife had flown in from another state. He wanted me there, but didn't want to rock the boat with her and his youngest. Very disconcerting to me, that I am "sneaking in," and I haven't even done anything wrong. She is married, and he can't even have a girlfriend?

.

 

This was him just being a coward and a wuss. She probably didn't even care he had a gf. Glad you ended it and told him why.

[Grapesofwrath]

I think this situation adds a whole new level to the exclusion from his real life. If you love each other, helping each other through crisis is something you both would be drawn to do.

 

 

I want to be with someone who includes me in all aspects of their life, not excludes me from even them most extreme.

 

Thank you for saying it more eloquently than I could. We spoke this morning, and while I was happy to be able to talk directly and connect, afterward it just left me feeling more worse. You're right...when you are in an intimate relationship with someone, helping them through a crisis like this is what I am drawn to do.

 

To answer a previous poster, he came to me for guidance and advice not only because of our relationship, but also because of the kind of work I do. My friends and family frequently use me as a resource of this type, and I am honored to share with them what I know and offer some help, if I can. So it didn't bother me that he reached out in that way. What bothers me more is what the above poster describes. I want to be with someone who includes me in all aspects of life.

[whichwayisup]

Glad he's on the mend and hope you are less stressed, I'm sure you'll get a good nights sleep tonight!

 

What bothers me more is what the above poster describes. I want to be with someone who includes me in all aspects of life.

 

Unfortunately this is how things are, not sure how much you can do to change that with him.

[sandylee1]

OP

 

He may not have been able to call you as soon as he knew he was okay. That's not to say he did that deliberately, but might have just been because family was around him. Getting his cell phone out might not have been possible.

[bentleychic]

Glad he was able to keep you updated and that he's okay now! I always worry about MM as he's 10 years older than me and has some health issues anyway that make him high risk in some regards. He's actually had two emergency situations, one in which he ultimately ended up having his gallbladder out after several days of the hospital sending him back home saying nothing was wrong. The other in which he ended up with a broken nose, eye socket, etc. and some serious damage to his face.

 

THANKFULLY, he was able to contact me right away and throughout recovery. I'm actually the one that told him with the gallbladder NOT to leave the hospital again and demand they do something or I'd come take him to the GOOD hospital in the county nearby. He agreed and thankfully they figured out that time that his gallbladder had stopped working completely and took it out!

 

It is very hard being "on the outside" especially in these cases. It sounds like he did a good job keeping you updated, though which is great.

 

Wishing him a speedy recovery.

[Grapesofwrath]

Thank you for saying it more eloquently than I could. We spoke this morning, and while I was happy to be able to talk directly and connect, afterward it just left me feeling more worse. You're right...when you are in an intimate relationship with someone, helping them through a crisis like this is what I am drawn to do.

 

 

Terrible grammar. You know I was upset...I didn't even proofread.

[goodyblue]

Terrible grammar. You know I was upset...I didn't even proofread.

 

LMAO! I'm glad everything is okay.

[Grapesofwrath]

Goody....yes, glad all is okay with his health. but I'm back to feeling not okay about everything else. Wrestling with this whole situation again and how lousy it feels to once again be shelved. I likely won't hear from him for days now, and I'm thinking its a good time to consider that a good start on ending the A. I notice that when we're apart for a period of time, my perspective changes and I gather strength to end it.

 

I'm about to enter a long stretch of having my kids with me () so I can focus on them and visit these boards, do my reading, etc. lately I've been feeling like I am ready to address these intimacy issues that plague me and move toward a relationship with an available man.

[mokamint7]

So you get shut out when something this important comes up - I think WWIU was trying to point out the obvious - he calls when it's convenient for him. Other than that his wife is número uno.

 

I think she was hoping you would rethink being number two.

 

Wouldn't you prefer a man who makes you his top (and main) priority?

 

 

 

I think it's sad that he used you to comfort HIM all night but didn't have the decency to reach out to you to allow you some pace of mind once he knew what was going on.

 

In this case it doesn't seem like it's intentional that he's shutting her out. He's in the hospital with his wife probably around a lot more than if he was at home on the couch. Right now his top priority is making sure he gets better, not making time to text her when he's just had surgery. Nothing bad about that, just the circumstances right now. And he did text her right before surgery so it seems like she was on his mind and he text when he could. Hang in there!

[mokamint7]

Its time to put a plan in place for situations like these, there should be a contact person for you who would be in a position to tell you what is truly going on.

 

I agree. It's kinda weird because my point person is AP's mom. Go figure, lol. Now that this situation happened the two of you can discuss what needs to happen if something like that were to happen again.

[GoldieLox]

Terrible grammar. You know I was upset...I didn't even proofread.

 

It could've been worser.............

 

Okay... in all seriousness, I'm late in jumping on the bandwagon here but I'm glad everything is okay with him. I can't really imagine what you were feeling going through this, and at the same time I felt for you because it's situations like these that really do bring to light the exclusion that OW deal with. I'm not going to read you the riot act about getting out of the affair. You don't need it right now, and quite frankly, you don't strike me as an idiot, Grapes. I know you'll do it when you finally reach a breaking point. In the meantime, I hope YOU recover from this. Thoughts are with you.

[Grapesofwrath]

It could've been worser.............

 

Okay... in all seriousness, I'm late in jumping on the bandwagon here but I'm glad everything is okay with him. I can't really imagine what you were feeling going through this, and at the same time I felt for you because it's situations like these that really do bring to light the exclusion that OW deal with. I'm not going to read you the riot act about getting out of the affair. You don't need it right now, and quite frankly, you don't strike me as an idiot, Grapes. I know you'll do it when you finally reach a breaking point. In the meantime, I hope YOU recover from this. Thoughts are with you.

 

Thanks, Goldie. It's experiences like this that push me closer to that breaking point. This one has pushed me quite a bit closer.

[Grapesofwrath]

In this case it doesn't seem like it's intentional that he's shutting her out. He's in the hospital with his wife probably around a lot more than if he was at home on the couch. Right now his top priority is making sure he gets better, not making time to text her when he's just had surgery. Nothing bad about that, just the circumstances right now. And he did text her right before surgery so it seems like she was on his mind and he text when he could. Hang in there!

 

It may not be intentional, Moka. I have not heard a peep from him all day, and I'm sure it's because he is not alone/on pain meds/not in a place where he can reach out. Doesn''t really matter, though. The bottom line is that we have a relationship that must be kept secret and in the margins. I don't want a secret, marginalized relationship. I want to be in a public, full, rich, open, relationship that is a central component of both our lives. Something that we build together, that gives us a foundation. I'm ready for that now.

[jwi71]

In this case it doesn't seem like it's intentional that he's shutting her out. He's in the hospital with his wife probably around a lot more than if he was at home on the couch. Right now his top priority is making sure he gets better, not making time to text her when he's just had surgery. Nothing bad about that, just the circumstances right now. And he did text her right before surgery so it seems like she was on his mind and he text when he could. Hang in there!

 

Of course its intentional!

 

He has a choice and he's made it.

 

No two ways about it - and THAT'S the struggle for OP: Realizing she IS second place (his actions dictate this - that should be PERFECTLY clear now if there was ever doubt) vs her want/need to be FIRST place.

 

And he chooses it.

 

Up to OP if she wishes to continue accepting it.

 

So GoW...is this ok? Is this what you want for yourself? If it is, great. If not, then what do you want and how do YOU (not he) go about getting it?

[Sassy Girl]

Of course its intentional!

 

He has a choice and he's made it.

 

No two ways about it - and THAT'S the struggle for OP: Realizing she IS second place (his actions dictate this - that should be PERFECTLY clear now if there was ever doubt) vs her want/need to be FIRST place.

 

And he chooses it.

 

Up to OP if she wishes to continue accepting it.

 

So GoW...is this ok? Is this what you want for yourself? If it is, great. If not, then what do you want and how do YOU (not he) go about getting it?

 

This.

 

It's the role you accepted as OW. Second fiddle. If you don't like it, then you're probably not cut out to be an OW.

 

When my MM was rushed to hospital with chest pains I didn't expect much contact at all. Luckily he kept me updated pretty well, but I knew that whatever I was worried about, was nothing compared to his wife who shares 20 years, a life and a family with MM. Of course I'm second. Ridiculous to think otherwise.

 

Sure I'd love to "support" him, but his wife needed to be there. That's her role as the other half to their family.

[gettingstronger]

Honestly, its nice to see you post about your wants and needs for a change- most of your posts are about "us" or "him"-

 

Your words about an out in the open relationship struck a cord with me- as a BS in reconciliation I also feel like we have a secret, its an isolating feeling and we are working hard to mend us so we can be who we show the world-

 

I am excited for you, wanting a change is the first step-

 

Good luck-

[Grapesofwrath]

I am not cut out to be an OW, truly. I think it worked for a short period of time (a few months) but now the reality is setting in. It provided a nice diversion from the loneliness I feel when my kids are with their dad. It was flattering to be pursued like that. And it allowed me to experience some deeply intimate moments, without having to follow through and open my life to another.

 

All along, I knew it couldn't and shouldn't last, figuring that "someday" I would end it. (I know he won't. Why would he? This is awesome for him.) I hoped it would be because I found someone of my own, but now realize that I won't find someone while I am still involved with MM.

 

Last night at 10:30 he sent this text: "Sweet dreams. Recovery is going ok. Will call you tomorrow some time. Don't text back."

 

I had no intention of texting back, but it felt like such a slap in the face to be told "don't text back." It felt like, "Stay in your box, Grapes. Stay there, stay quiet. When it is convenient for me, I will call you. So just sit there and wait."

[lookingforclosure]

 

Last night at 10:30 he sent this text: "Sweet dreams. Recovery is going ok. Will call you tomorrow some time. Don't text back."

 

I had no intention of texting back, but it felt like such a slap in the face to be told "don't text back." It felt like, "Stay in your box, Grapes. Stay there, stay quiet. When it is convenient for me, I will call you. So just sit there and wait."

 

I am not cut out to be the OW either. I got a text very similar to that several months before things went crazy. he text me and then reminded me that he has asked me on several occasions not to text his personal phone. That hurt me so bad, I was worried about him for days and then the only response I got was that. I was crushed. i guess it was at that point he was starting to play nice with his wife again and give her access to th ephone bill again to "prove" he wasn't up to anything

[GoldieLox]

I am not cut out to be an OW, truly. I think it worked for a short period of time (a few months) but now the reality is setting in. It provided a nice diversion from the loneliness I feel when my kids are with their dad. It was flattering to be pursued like that. And it allowed me to experience some deeply intimate moments, without having to follow through and open my life to another.

 

All along, I knew it couldn't and shouldn't last, figuring that "someday" I would end it. (I know he won't. Why would he? This is awesome for him.) I hoped it would be because I found someone of my own, but now realize that I won't find someone while I am still involved with MM.

 

Last night at 10:30 he sent this text: "Sweet dreams. Recovery is going ok. Will call you tomorrow some time. Don't text back."

 

I had no intention of texting back, but it felt like such a slap in the face to be told "don't text back." It felt like, "Stay in your box, Grapes. Stay there, stay quiet. When it is convenient for me, I will call you. So just sit there and wait."

 

Unfortunately that's what he was pretty much saying. As OW we were there when the MM wanted affection, company, and sex. I have no doubt that there are real feelings involved in affairs, but if you break it down, there's still the convenience factor with most of them. And it hurts like hell for those on the receiving end.