MM in the hospital

[Carm]

I don't think I've ever posted on "The other woman/man" page.

 

 

I've never been OW and I never will....Don't text back eh? WOW!

 

 

Ya okay, that's one of the reasons I would never be in this situation.

 

 

Won't say anymore because I can go on and on about the other reasons but it's pretty low when a man who supposedly loves you says that.

[Grapesofwrath]

so this is where I need to work on my own shyt:

 

another text today, updating me on his status and asking how I'm doing, and a phone call that I didn't take. I have ignored these and plan to continue to do so.

 

Everyone once in a while, though, I feel bad for doing this. (why?) and I worry that he will be upset with me that I am abandoning him during his difficult time (how messed up is that?)

 

Gotta stay strong. Reading the boards. Posting my thoughts. Reading my stuff. This situation is so much less than I deserve.

[gettingstronger]

hmmmm.... what do you know- when you don't respond suddenly he is more available and looking for you- I agree, the "don't text back" would have been difficult for me to swallow- you are doing really, really good- I think its normal to have the feelings you have (wanting to respond, worrying about what he thinks) not acting on them is HUGE-

 

Are your kids there yet- if so, enjoy them- if not, spend some time making plans for when they are- maybe re-decorate their room or if they are young set up a scavenger hunt with clues about what your adventures will be-

 

OR go for a really long run OR have a really big glass of wine-

 

Hang tight-

[whichwayisup]

I am not cut out to be an OW, truly. I think it worked for a short period of time (a few months) but now the reality is setting in. It provided a nice diversion from the loneliness I feel when my kids are with their dad. It was flattering to be pursued like that. And it allowed me to experience some deeply intimate moments, without having to follow through and open my life to another.

 

All along, I knew it couldn't and shouldn't last, figuring that "someday" I would end it. (I know he won't. Why would he? This is awesome for him.) I hoped it would be because I found someone of my own, but now realize that I won't find someone while I am still involved with MM.

 

Last night at 10:30 he sent this text: "Sweet dreams. Recovery is going ok. Will call you tomorrow some time. Don't text back."

 

I had no intention of texting back, but it felt like such a slap in the face to be told "don't text back." It felt like, "Stay in your box, Grapes. Stay there, stay quiet. When it is convenient for me, I will call you. So just sit there and wait."

 

Ouch.

 

I hope this pushes you into ending it sooner rather than later. You don't deserve to be hidden and treated like this.

[awkward]

Don't text back? Oh really

 

Look if you were dating a single guy and he told you that, I am pretty sure that you would tell him to piss off. But because this guy is married he has an excuse to treat you disrespectfully. Um, no.

 

If any guy told me not to text or call, you can be sure it would the last time they ever heard from me. The end.

[awkward]

Everyone once in a while, though, I feel bad for doing this. (why?) and I worry that he will be upset with me that I am abandoning him during his difficult time (how messed up is that?)

 

You feel bad for not responding to him? He is the one who is cheating. He is the one who decided who would be with him during his hospital scare. If he wanted you there, believe he would have made it happen.

 

All the words are just excuses. Why would you let someone treat you like you aren't deserving of more? Set the bar higher and don't accept less. If he can't deliver, then what are you there for?

 

Whether he is married, single, ... I don't care. If a man isn't treating me with the same respect I offer him, he is out the door.

[HtotheN]

The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

 

 

Has the purpose of this board changed? Do OW/OM frequently post and push their perspective on the infidelity board? Just curious.

[Grapesofwrath]

hmmmm.... what do you know- when you don't respond suddenly he is more available and looking for you- I agree, the "don't text back" would have been difficult for me to swallow- you are doing really, really good- I think its normal to have the feelings you have (wanting to respond, worrying about what he thinks) not acting on them is HUGE-

 

Are your kids there yet- if so, enjoy them- if not, spend some time making plans for when they are- maybe re-decorate their room or if they are young set up a scavenger hunt with clues about what your adventures will be-

 

OR go for a really long run OR have a really big glass of wine-

 

Hang tight-

 

Yes...they are here now and my focus goes to them. They will be here for a while, and that will help me get into a groove because my attention turns toward them and being their mom. When they aren't here, it's harder. MM used to fill a lot of hat time, so I will take your suggestions for when I'm alone again.

[awkward]

The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

 

 

Has the purpose of this board changed? Do OW/OM frequently post and push their perspective on the infidelity board? Just curious.

 

I find it ironic that this is the only support you have for the op. Since you are curious, the purpose of this board has not changed. Anyone can post on these forums.

 

Shall we tell the op it is OK for this guy to disrespect her and to just give it time, it will all work out? Maybe my idea of support is different than yours. We all have different perspectives. In the end, the op will see that most of those encouraging her to end the affair do not have black hearts.

[bentleychic]

My guess is his W had his phone since he was in the hospital. Maybe she was charging it for him or something. Yes, it stings, but it's also the nature of an EMR.

 

Good for you that you saw your proverbial straw that broke the camels back and are doing something about it ASAP rather than suffering in silence and becoming resentful.

[Grapesofwrath]

NC continues today. My boys are here and so it was much easier. Each day the picture gets clearer and comes more into focus. My resolve strengthens. If the pattern holds, I will hear from him Monday, and my resolve will be tested.

 

Today I spent time looking at my thought patterns around relationships. How I always concern myself with what the other person needs, feels, wants. I analyze how I think they will react to my feelings instead of just owning my feelings and letting him deal with his reaction.

[Popsicle]

Everyone once in a while, though, I feel bad for doing this. (why?) and I worry that he will be upset with me that I am abandoning him during his difficult time (how messed up is that?)

 

 

I used to feel bad about when I wasn't there for xMM during his difficult times (and good times too, like holidays), then I realized that he has a wife who he chooses to keep and that's her job. He should get all that from her. And like I mentioned above, he won't be there for you during your time of need due to W, so don't even give it a second thought.

[cocorico]

Last night at 10:30 he sent this text: "Sweet dreams. Recovery is going ok. Will call you tomorrow some time. Don't text back."

 

I had no intention of texting back, but it felt like such a slap in the face to be told "don't text back." It felt like, "Stay in your box, Grapes. Stay there, stay quiet. When it is convenient for me, I will call you. So just sit there and wait."

 

I don't think this is an inherent part of being an OW. I think it is indexical of a R where you feel you are not being respected or valued - and any R with any label (A, M, dating, etc) where you feel you are not being respected or valued is not a good R to be in.

 

If my fMM had ever said such a thing to me during our A we would have been history - because that is not how you communicate with someone you love, value and respect. It is not a requirement that all MM have to be dogs or treat their APs poorly. I'm f he's doing that, then he is choosing to do that and you have every right to refuse to accept that. It is not part of your "role", nor "what you signed up to". It is what he has unilaterally decided you are worth - and you are well within your rights to refuse to put up with such treatment.

 

Please don't feel bad about "abandoning him in his time of need". He abandoned you by telling you not to reply. He terminated communication unilaterally. It is not up to him to reinstate it simply because he now feels like it. Communication is not a one-way street, and neither is a R. He does not get to call the terms. You have as much right as he to decide when, where, and how you communicate. If he thinks his circumstances make him "special", then it is not a R but an act of egotism in which he is wanting an assistant. you do not have to play that role. If he is not offering you a R that meets your needs as well as his, don't let him guilt you into feeling bad for insisting on being treated with respect.

[Grapesofwrath]

Received a text today, as anticipated: "What a trip this has been. Sorry not to check in more, but it took more out of me than I had thought it would. I hope you are okay. Will try calling you today."

 

I've never had my appendix out, so I don't know how bad it can be. Maybe it really is a rough recovery....but still. Three words, "don't text back." and nothing all weekend? Couldn't manage even an email? Couldn't squeeze out a little emoji?

 

Struggling again with feeling like a jerk for getting angry at him during this difficult time, while also feeling so done with being treated like an after-thought...like a plaything, put on a shelf when he doesnt' feel like playing.

[lookingforclosure]

Received a text today, as anticipated: "What a trip this has been. Sorry not to check in more, but it took more out of me than I had thought it would. I hope you are okay. Will try calling you today."

 

I've never had my appendix out, so I don't know how bad it can be. Maybe it really is a rough recovery....but still. Three words, "don't text back." and nothing all weekend? Couldn't manage even an email? Couldn't squeeze out a little emoji?

 

Struggling again with feeling like a jerk for getting angry at him during this difficult time, while also feeling so done with being treated like an after-thought...like a plaything, put on a shelf when he doesnt' feel like playing.

 

Me and my girlfriend have a running joke that my xMM used to put me in "the box" when he didn't have time or mental energy to "deal" with me...lol

[gettingstronger]

On the healing thing, my son was back at school the next day but he was 18 at the time. My husband at 45 had it out on Friday and was back at work Monday. I had mine out and was up and about in 24 hours. There are tons of variables of course, depending on how invasive it was. And yes, what an unlucky group we are for 3 out of 4 of us having it removed!!

[goodyblue]

I cannot reiterate enough what Cocorico said. If there comes a time when you are not fulfilled in the relationship, time to move on. Nobody deserves to be treated as though they are disposable and it is just not ok.

 

I hope you know your worth and demand to be treated well.

 

chin up.

[Grapesofwrath]

I don't think this is an inherent part of being an OW. I think it is indexical of a R where you feel you are not being respected or valued - and any R with any label (A, M, dating, etc) where you feel you are not being respected or valued is not a good R to be in.

 

If my fMM had ever said such a thing to me during our A we would have been history - because that is not how you communicate with someone you love, value and respect. It is not a requirement that all MM have to be dogs or treat their APs poorly. I'm f he's doing that, then he is choosing to do that and you have every right to refuse to accept that. It is not part of your "role", nor "what you signed up to". It is what he has unilaterally decided you are worth - and you are well within your rights to refuse to put up with such treatment.

 

Please don't feel bad about "abandoning him in his time of need". He abandoned you by telling you not to reply. He terminated communication unilaterally. It is not up to him to reinstate it simply because he now feels like it. Communication is not a one-way street, and neither is a R. He does not get to call the terms. You have as much right as he to decide when, where, and how you communicate. If he thinks his circumstances make him "special", then it is not a R but an act of egotism in which he is wanting an assistant. you do not have to play that role. If he is not offering you a R that meets your needs as well as his, don't let him guilt you into feeling bad for insisting on being treated with respect.

 

coco: I am reading and re-reading this post. You are spot on, here. I have not responded, and will not respond to today's attempts. some of you may wonder why I don't go full NC, blocking his texts and calls. I see the value in that approach, and in most cases it is probably the surest way to put an end to the situation. In my case, I will be honest and say that I get some pleasure out of knowing that he is reaching out and I am ignoring it. I think it gives me a feeling of power, which is a nice change. I have ZERO desire to respond to him. But I like knowing that he is trying and that he is getting crickets in return. I mean...hey...he told me not to text back.

[Grapesofwrath]

On the healing thing, my son was back at school the next day but he was 18 at the time. My husband at 45 had it out on Friday and was back at work Monday. I had mine out and was up and about in 24 hours. There are tons of variables of course, depending on how invasive it was. And yes, what an unlucky group we are for 3 out of 4 of us having it removed!!

 

thanks, Stronger. That's kind of what I figured. He's not back to work yet and it's been over a week.

 

A few more texts yesterday, which I ignored. One saying that he knows this is rough for me, too. He doesn't try to call me, probably because someone will hear him. Coward. So weak. If this is his "love," I don't want it.

 

I vacillate between sadness, heartache, rage, disappointment, indifference, and relief that I could finally get out of this mess. I catch myself not thinking about it sometimes, which is awesome. I've been obsessing lately, and I hate it. When I woke up this morning, it wasn't the first thing on my mind!

[gettingstronger]

Grapes- over thinking may be more of a personality trait than anything else- I know its one of the down falls of my healing- I have over thought pretty much everything my entire life- in lots of ways, its been helpful in my life, but in this situation it has been a hurdle- I guess what I am trying to say, is that its not the situation you can not get over and its not that you are weak, but the way you are wired may be working against you in this instance-

 

For me, I found peace in yoga- it was a struggle to do the whole clear your mind thing at first- it made me physically uncomfortable to even try to clear my mind-but I worked at it and it has helped-

 

Others have found center in running or reading-just keep going every day- don't beat yourself up if its troubles you more than you would like it to-just keep going-

[Grapesofwrath]

Another day under my belt. Yesterday was tougher. This whole NC thing is a lot harder than I thought, mainly because I am filled with all these feelings and have no way to express them. When he comes back to work, it will be more like very LC, so I need to be ready for that. He texts me, asking if I'm okay and wondering why I won't respond to him. Telling me he misses me, etc. I am so enraged right now that I couldn't write back to him, even if I wanted to. I don't have words. This morning I decided that it's time to block him on my phone. (I can block the calls, but blocking texts has always been a problem, for some reason, with that phone.)

 

As an escape, I just bought myself a plane ticket to my brother's for the weekend. He knows about the A (is one of only 2 people that do, besides you guys and the MM) and he will keep me straight. Plus, I will have fun and get out of my head. Soon thereafter, my kids will be back for 2.5 weeks, which will be wonderful and give me a long stretch of time to move through my feelings without any option to fall back on old habits with him.

[whichwayisup]

Why not write a note? What you'd like to say to him. Don't send it, this is just for you to get feelings and thoughts out on paper (computer screen). Maybe it'll help relieve what you're feeling inside.

[Grapesofwrath]

Why not write a note? What you'd like to say to him. Don't send it, this is just for you to get feelings and thoughts out on paper (computer screen). Maybe it'll help relieve what you're feeling inside.

 

WWIU: I have been "journaling" in my computer in exactly that way. Just spewing it all out. This technique has always worked for me, my whole life. It feels really good to do it, and I will continue, but sometimes I want to scream in his face. Ya know?

[beach]

I like that you're thinking about your own wants and needs.

 

I hope you will stay strong enough to know you deserve a man who is willing to participate in every aspect of your life.

[Grapesofwrath]

An update: Yesterday, xMM (I am starting to think that way now) came to town, with his daughter so she could check out a local college. Of course, he started texting me as soon as he was able, because he is a lame coward who only breaks out the phone when he is sure that no one will see.

 

He asked me if he could stop by my office today to see me, and maybe take me for coffee. I broke the NC and said no. he said, "Ok. Stay away for a while?" This is classic conflict-avoidance. He knows I'm pissed. So instead of trying to talk about it and maybe apologize, he immediately suggests that he should run and hide until I'm over it.

 

I told him that I didn't want to have that conversation via text. I know that NC is recommended, but I am so angry and I want to have a chance to tell him what's on my mind and make him sit there and deal with it. He suggested that we find a time "when we can and are ready to talk." Are ready? I'm ready right now. I've been ready. But he has abandoned me for the past week, which is the real issue. He has made unilateral decisions about communication and left me with absolutely zero options.

 

Anyway, he wasn't available to talk last night because his daughter was around (she's 19 years old. He can't walk outside for a phone call?) He suggested we talk early next week. Seriously? That's the best he can do. I have not merited so much as a phone call in a week. by early next week, it will be almost 2 weeks since he has managed to find time to talk with me, other than trying to meet me during work hours, at his convenience of course.

 

The irony is too much. I have to wait 4 days to have a talk about ending this A because he is not available or accessible to communicate with me. Hilarious.