My romantic interest is stuck in a lease with his partner. I'm now the OW.

April 22, 2015

This is something I've been harboring a while now and need to get off my chest, so this forum feels like the perfect place to do it. I'm not proud of what I've done, and I just need guidance/a second opinion to help move me in the right direction.

About 3 months ago, by chance, a friend invited me out for a drink, and I reluctantly went. Our server there hit it off with me instantly, and for hours, we talked about lots of different interests and flirted back and forth. That night, he added me on social media, and we began messaging which turned to texting. He was listed as "single" online.

Our conversation went on for hours, and we never ran out of things to talk about. A few weeks later, he drops it on me that he is "in an unfortunate situation that keeps him from being his normal self with me." He tells me he finds me very sexy, funny, interesting, and intelligent, and he wants to pursue me, but he signed a lease at the beginning of the year with his SO and has now discovered it was a huge mistake. He's very unhappy but doesn't have many options right now but to fulfill his financial responsibility until the end of the year because he "doesn't want to bail." He says he wants to be straight up and honest with me about it.

It threw me for a loop, but we continued talking (none of our conversations were very sexual in nature yet). I'd occasionally go out and get a drink if he was working, and we'd text every so often. A few times, he was able to hang out with me with both his and my friends around, and he told me that everyone urged him to pursue me. It was very obvious that he was interested at this point, but again, nothing physical had happened. He then told me that his SO was increasingly berating him about me, noticing that he texted me more often than her. He said that made things "difficult" but that not continuing to talk to me was the last thing on his mind.

About a month ago, we were at the same bar, and things took a physical turn. He walked me out, kissed me, and we ended up sleeping together that night. He told me it was definitely on his list of best nights he's ever had later on, and then we just continued casual conversation.

The past few weeks have been really hard. We tried to get together to hang out a few times, but something came up every time with either him or me. He told me the next week that his SO gave him an ultimatum basically stating that he wasn't to speak to me anymore. He said he "obviously wasn't going to honor that, but we will have to tone it back." He then said he couldn't bail on his lease but that he was still "going to do what he could." This really hurt my feelings. We didn't speak for a week after that until he finally texted me and said he'd been in the hospital all week and had also backed off for a little bit because he felt I was mad at him.

Conversation has been sparse after that, and he's still very sick, but he's all over everything I post on social media. It's not unnatural for us to go close to a week between conversations, but I can't help but wonder if he's forgetting about me. Again, I'm not proud of what happened, but I have feelings for this person and yet have no idea what's going on with his end of the situation. I don't think it's fair because by the time I'd found out about the SO, I was already very hooked. I try really hard not to think about everything, but it's difficult. I don't know if I should empathize with or resent him, and I don't think I can wait the rest of the year on someone with the way I already feel.

April 22, 2015

Retread your OP. he's quite obviously grooming you,managing your expectations. I want to do this... BUT I can't. I'd love to... But my horrible SO is suspicious. I don't care really but it's my only way to survive... you understand, right?? You're on my side! It's us against her, but you'll have to take the back seat for awhile. (Literally)

He IS not helpless, he's free to choose. Call him on it, or don't, if you're afraid of losing him.

April 22, 2015

He could very well move out and still pay his share of the rent until the lease is up.

Sorry but I'm not buying what he's selling you. You're only hearing one side of this and of course it's skewed to make him look good in your eyes. There's a lot more that he's not told you.

The dynamic building between you two isn't good and fact is, he IS lying to his girlfriend. She has asked him to stop talking to you and he hasn't. If they were truly over she wouldn't care what he does, so please, do NOT believe all that he tells you. Many men (and women) lie well and fool their OW/OM.

You're investing in someone who isn't available. You are going to get hurt!

End it and tell him to look you up when he's moved out and they have officially ended things.

April 22, 2015

He seems to have a pretty loose definition of "honor" - he has to honor his commitment to her for being on the lease, but he refuses to honor her request to go no contact with you, skirting it by "toning it down". Get away NOW - there is not a shred of honor in him.

April 22, 2015

when a man wants something, he acts without hesitation. He is still not sold on the idea of you. sorry

April 22, 2015

He can't leave because of his lease? LOL...that's a new one. And this is a sufficient reason for him to cheat on gf and keep you on a string for the next year?

Listen having a lease is lamest excuse for this behaviour that I have ever heard, as there a numerous solutions. He could stay with relatives or friends while continuing to help with the rent at his current location. He could tell her and give her a month or so to find a roommate to cover his part of the rent. For that matter he could ask her to go and he could find a roommate. And if all else fails, leases can be broken.

Imagine being told by your bf that he's been cheating on you because of a freaking rental lease! How honorable of him. Hahahaha..the guy is being controlled by a damn lease, he's cheating because he wants to cheat.

Oh and I really have to wonder about your mutual friends who are encouraging him to chase you while cheating on his gf. What does that say about them? Where is their integrity? Do they really care about you when they are encouraging you to partake in this painful situation. They were all excited to start this drama and now that you feel hurt and insecure and ignored, where are they? Do they still think this is a great idea even though this is going to damage to your self esteem and your feelings of self worth? They sound like pretty lousy friends to me. Time to lose the cheater and all the friends that have anything to do with this.

April 22, 2015

Put aside all his character issues related to lying and cheating.

Do you really want to be in a R with someone who isn't smart enough to get out of a leases?

BTW, do you know for a fact from independent sources that he was in the hospital for a week when he didn't contact you? Sounds more like his GF was watching him like a hawk. A week long hospital stay is extremely rare these days.

April 22, 2015

Is he young? He may not realize that leases can be broken. He just needs to ask the landlord. People try to work with you.

Whatever you do don't let him come and stay with you. You don't know him yet. You can also tell him to contact you at the end of the year when he's moving out.

Edited April 22, 2015 by Popsicle

April 22, 2015

If his rental agreement cannot be broken without paying the rest of the lease then the contract usually allows him to sublease.

If you tell him this and he doesn't move out I'd take it to mean he's too dumb for you or you're too smart for him.

For that matter, just move on anyway.

April 22, 2015

About a month ago, we were at the same bar, and things took a physical turn. He walked me out, kissed me, and we ended up sleeping together that night. He told me it was definitely on his list of best nights he's ever had later on, and then we just continued casual conversation.

The past few weeks have been really hard. We tried to get together to hang out a few times, but something came up every time with either him or me. He told me the next week that his SO gave him an ultimatum basically stating that he wasn't to speak to me anymore. He said he "obviously wasn't going to honor that, but we will have to tone it back." He then said he couldn't bail on his lease but that he was still "going to do what he could." This really hurt my feelings. We didn't speak for a week after that until he finally texted me and said he'd been in the hospital all week and had also backed off for a little bit because he felt I was mad at him.

Conversation has been sparse after that, and he's still very sick, but he's all over everything I post on social media. It's not unnatural for us to go close to a week between conversations, but I can't help but wonder if he's forgetting about me. Again, I'm not proud of what happened, but I have feelings for this person and yet have no idea what's going on with his end of the situation. I don't think it's fair because by the time I'd found out about the SO, I was already very hooked. I try really hard not to think about everything, but it's difficult. I don't know if I should empathize with or resent him, and I don't think I can wait the rest of the year on someone with the way I already feel.

OK, huge build up to sex, sex happened, SO found out, put a stop to it.

OR,

huge build up to sex, sex happened, chase over -> not that interested, using lease/SO/sickness as an excuse.

The lease is definitely just an excuse as others have pointed out and that leads to questioning everything else.

I am not really sure where the sickness comes into it.

Is he really sick, have you done any investigating into that?

The fact his interest waned after sex, is pretty telling here.

Edited April 22, 2015 by elaine567
t

April 22, 2015

First of all if he wanted to see you it should have nothing to do with his SO, right? He did tell you he wants to move out and he supposedly has told her this to. If this is the case they are technically broken up and he doesn't have to pull back on his relationship with you, does he? Like someone else said he could still move out and pay his portion of the rent or find someone else to sub-lease while he moves out. At any rate, at this point he is only supposed to be a roommate and his SO shouldn't be telling him who he can see. Now you know none of this makes any sense and the truth is probably that he has a gf who knows nothing about you. He is probably not sick but dodging you at this point. He is not leaving his gf for you. I know that you were already seeing him before you found out he had a gf but you should have stopped seeing him the moment you found out. He would have had more respect for you. You need to block his number and any other contact you have with him.

April 23, 2015

He is lying about the situation with the SO. If they truly weren't together, she wouldn't be able to tell him who he can and can't communicate with.

If the lease thing is true, he should be sleeping on the couch or in another room and having little contact with his "ex". A friend of mine is still living with her ex, in a separate room, and is dating someone else. She does not however bring her new boyfriend over, and her ex does not have a say in anything she does. She plans on leaving when the lease is up.

At this point if you want to still be with him, I would tell him to get his crap together first and move on. When and if he ever gets to that point and contacts you, maybe you'll be available maybe you won't.

April 23, 2015

Lock him in chastity.

Seriously a lease doesn't commit him to his SO. He can break up with her & move to the living room if he has to live there for financial reasons. He's just playing you. If you want this loser, give him a choice: You or his SO.

April 24, 2015

This is something I've been harboring a while now and need to get off my chest, so this forum feels like the perfect place to do it. I'm not proud of what I've done, and I just need guidance/a second opinion to help move me in the right direction.

About 3 months ago, by chance, a friend invited me out for a drink, and I reluctantly went. Our server there hit it off with me instantly, and for hours, we talked about lots of different interests and flirted back and forth. That night, he added me on social media, and we began messaging which turned to texting. He was listed as "single" online.

Our conversation went on for hours, and we never ran out of things to talk about. A few weeks later, he drops it on me that he is "in an unfortunate situation that keeps him from being his normal self with me." He tells me he finds me very sexy, funny, interesting, and intelligent, and he wants to pursue me, but he signed a lease at the beginning of the year with his SO and has now discovered it was a huge mistake. He's very unhappy but doesn't have many options right now but to fulfill his financial responsibility until the end of the year because he "doesn't want to bail." He says he wants to be straight up and honest with me about it.

It threw me for a loop, but we continued talking (none of our conversations were very sexual in nature yet). I'd occasionally go out and get a drink if he was working, and we'd text every so often. A few times, he was able to hang out with me with both his and my friends around, and he told me that everyone urged him to pursue me. It was very obvious that he was interested at this point, but again, nothing physical had happened. He then told me that his SO was increasingly berating him about me, noticing that he texted me more often than her. He said that made things "difficult" but that not continuing to talk to me was the last thing on his mind.

About a month ago, we were at the same bar, and things took a physical turn. He walked me out, kissed me, and we ended up sleeping together that night. He told me it was definitely on his list of best nights he's ever had later on, and then we just continued casual conversation.

The past few weeks have been really hard. We tried to get together to hang out a few times, but something came up every time with either him or me. He told me the next week that his SO gave him an ultimatum basically stating that he wasn't to speak to me anymore. He said he "obviously wasn't going to honor that, but we will have to tone it back." He then said he couldn't bail on his lease but that he was still "going to do what he could." This really hurt my feelings. We didn't speak for a week after that until he finally texted me and said he'd been in the hospital all week and had also backed off for a little bit because he felt I was mad at him.

Conversation has been sparse after that, and he's still very sick, but he's all over everything I post on social media. It's not unnatural for us to go close to a week between conversations, but I can't help but wonder if he's forgetting about me. Again, I'm not proud of what happened, but I have feelings for this person and yet have no idea what's going on with his end of the situation. I don't think it's fair because by the time I'd found out about the SO, I was already very hooked. I try really hard not to think about everything, but it's difficult. I don't know if I should empathize with or resent him, and I don't think I can wait the rest of the year on someone with the way I already feel.

I can relate to being hooked as well before realizing the reality of the situation, which is how my OW stint went where I didn't go into it knowing from day one the reality. But it was after several months that I found out, not a few weeks. You feel how you feel, but I do think a few weeks in of chatting isn't really an investment where you're so hooked you can't stop, not judging by the way, just saying that we go along with it because we like the person and it feels good, but truth be told, if we're just chatting it's not like we're in love at this point and cannot extricate ourselves.

I don't really buy the whole I can't get out of my lease thing. It's not that I don't think people can make a mistake and have a lease but don't want the relationship, I think that is very possible, but HOW they discuss it and how their SO reacts is different than what he's saying. Is he regretting their relationship or the lease? Having a lease doesn't tie you to the romantic relationship. I have one guy friend who was in that situation, had a lease with gf, they broke up, neither could afford to move, they stayed in the same house, got different bedrooms and discussed that they would not be dating and would be free to see other people except they wouldn't bring anyone home to avoid it being awkward. Now, it's still a bizarre situation and most people will still be suspicious of dating a man or woman living with their ex for good reason (and with my friend, sorry to say he still "slipped up" and had convenient house sex with his roommate ex gf from time to time) but in his case, they broke up. She was under no false pretense that they were not broken up....they both knew the relationship was over and that they were both free to do whatever, so she wasn't checking his phone or demanding he not speak to others and vice versa.

With your guy he is not saying they are just roommates or they've broken up, they are very much still involved which is why his SO complains about him texting you and is giving him ultimatums. This isn't a man living under the same roof with his ex (like my friend) this is a man living with his gf, who has not broken up, who has a lease and is saying the lease is tying him to her, even though he hasn't actually discussed ending the relationship and she has every reason to still believe he is her man and they are supposed to be exclusive. He hasn't said anything to the contrary, basically just that he will talk to you behind her back and you all will have to be discreet, which is just the traditional secret A. I hope you see what I'm saying. I get he has a lease, but a lease doesn't mean that you cannot discuss with your SO that you want to end the relationship, and none of what he is saying sounds like he has expressed wanting to end the relationship with his SO and seems he is just using the lease as the excuse when in reality he has also conveniently forgot to tell her he wants out.

I wouldn't wait for him personally. Or I would tell him in no uncertain terms that this configuration doesn't work and at the minimum he needs to let her know he wants to date others and will date others. I mean...I know you like him so it's not easy to walk away but it will be far more agonizing if you go along with this and if worse comes to worst you realize he's not breaking up with this woman and the lease thing was an excuse. One year in you will be far more caught up then a few months in.

Edited April 24, 2015 by MissBee

April 24, 2015

He is lying about the situation with the SO. If they truly weren't together, she wouldn't be able to tell him who he can and can't communicate with.
If the lease thing is true, he should be sleeping on the couch or in another room and having little contact with his "ex". A friend of mine is still living with her ex, in a separate room, and is dating someone else. She does not however bring her new boyfriend over, and her ex does not have a say in anything she does. She plans on leaving when the lease is up.

At this point if you want to still be with him, I would tell him to get his crap together first and move on. When and if he ever gets to that point and contacts you, maybe you'll be available maybe you won't.

Didn't see your post until after mine, but what your friend is doing is EXACTLY what my guy friend did (with the exception that he has admitted once in a while he would still sleep with the ex). But yes, it happens that people with leases break up and cannot for whatever reason move, yet when such is the case the big point is: THEY BREAK UP. They change it to a roommate relationship, it is discussed that they are not an item and it is a known fact they date others and will leave after the lease ends. This situation is unfortunate but transparent. What he's doing is not like that...they are still a couple which is why she can make those demands. The lease hasn't a thing to do with that.

I've said this several times about MM as well, where I'm like I get not being able to up and leave on a whim, but it's one thing to end the relationship where it is an actual discussion and you agree and plan to move/divorce at X date when finances allow, and you truly live as roommates (not the fake roommates where the BS has no clue, but where it's actually discussed) versus you say NO SUCH THING and so for all intents and purposes the person has no reason to think you're not a couple anymore.

Living together doesn't mean you have to be romantically involved. But no longer being romantically involved and you dating others requires a conversation that makes this new state of affairs frank, and your guy has NOT from what you're telling us told his gf they are over and they can both see others and will part company once the lease is up.

April 24, 2015

OP, the issue here is that he has not broken up with the woman and apparently doesn't intend to anytime soon. He is using his lease as an excuse, but he COULD break it off with her and just let her be there platonically and go sleep on the sofa. OR one of them could more home for the remaining months and pay the lease off. OR either of them could get a new roommate.

He is just having two women and he is trying to train you to put up with his main woman, the one he lives with.

Let's say things go as you want and she moves out and you're with him. How could you ever trust him? He goes after other women while he's still living with a woman. Please use your common sense here. He has options. He can leave if he wants to. He can break up and stay out the lease if he wants to, but instead he's juggling you both. Because he wants to. Understand that many women's dream is one man, marriage and kids. But a whole lot of men's dream isn't ONE woman. It's managing to juggle more than one woman.

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My romantic interest is stuck in a lease with his partner. I'm now the OW.

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