Present and Past

[Natural Cat]

MW had an affair for most of the last year; emotional led to physical - she confided in her OM where she felt her needs weren't being met at home and he used the checklist of emotions she provided like a play-book to get into her pants. Her OM was/is single, knew she wasn't available. We have two children under 10. We have been doing well since I discovered and she no longer sees the OM. We are also in MC once a month.

 

More than 10 years ago, I had an affair that was primarily physical for about 8 months. The OW was attentive to me and spoke my language of physical touch, but knew I was not available; she was also married. Neither of us had children at the time. Our relationship was one of unconditional sexual fulfillment for both of us. It ended quietly and MW knows nothing about it.

 

We are doing well in the present. Her A punished me, I would rather her's have ended quietly without me finding out. I am very attentive to her needs now as I always tried to be before. I have felt that she was not attentive to my needs, especially physical intimacy, for a long time. I know that doesn't justify my past actions, but every time I tried to discuss what I felt was missing from our sex life, she would become defensive and shut me down. Our communication suffered as a result, because I grew tired of trying to discuss. I became resigned.

 

Our lack of communication led her to feeling alone in our marriage and eventually contributed to her A. Her A was devastating to me, b/c I'm all about physical touch - that which she hasn't given me enough of over the years she then gives to someone else. WTF?

 

We both our working on fulfilling each other's needs. I would still like her to be more physical. Our sex life remains a tough topic to discuss. I think she has some past experiences that pre-date us that still effect her, but she won't talk about it.

How do I bring up the subject without causing her to become defensive?

 

Is there any need for her to know anything about my past indiscretion?

[Moose]

How do I bring up the subject without causing her to become defensive?

 

Is there any need for her to know anything about my past indiscretion?

How do you bring it up? Set her down and talk to her about it. Should you tell her about your affair? Yes. You need to get EVERYTHING out on the table and get this fixed.......

[Cecelius]

Yes, she does need to know about it. She's feeling some guilt and low self worth as being "dirty" and sl--y and she should know that she wasn't entirely out there by herself.

[Owl]

How can you expect honesty from her when you're still holding on to a massive secret?

 

Yes, you do need to talk with her about it. Maybe you wish you'd never known about her affair, but I wonder how much of that is pain over what she's done, and guilt from what you've done?

[Natural Cat]

How can you expect honesty from her when you're still holding on to a massive secret?

how much of that is pain over what she's done, and guilt from what you've done?

 

Yes, I am still holding on to a secret. A secret that is over 10 years old and for which I have carried a lot of guilt. I ended it with the OW b/c of guilt, b/c of my love for my wife and knew I had to go NC and work on my marriage. MW having an A seems like adequate punishment for me. It was the f*&%ing lack of physical touch that led me astray to begin with. Her giving that to someone else is karma enough for me.

 

I know I asked the question and I knew what the responses were going to be, but I still don't know how I could tell her now. To me that is distant history from before we had children and really started building for the future.

[fleafly]

Man thats a tough question to answer, especially since it was so long ago, and I imagine that your actions indirectly led to your wife having an affair. That said , you are both in marriage counseling because of your wife's indiscretion, and to be completely honest there wouldnt be a better time then the present to get this out, it sounds like you are both dedicated to saving your marriage, it would be a shame to have to carry that around with you if your situation works out for the best. I would tell her, try explaining to her the reasons for the affair, which she would probably understand, then tell her the reasons for ending it. Either way, thats a tough spot to be in, best of luck to you both.

[Natural Cat]

it sounds like you are both dedicated to saving your marriage

 

We are both dedicated to saving our marriage and I guess I fear that might all change on her part were she to know. I know she feels awful about what she did and feels I have been honest and forgiving. It just scares the s*&t out of me to think of telling her now. Why introduce some old element. Again, if her's had ended quietly without me knowing that would have been okay by me. It would have saved me a lot of heartache; why introduce more now?

[whichwayisup]

I know I asked the question and I knew what the responses were going to be, but I still don't know how I could tell her now. To me that is distant history from before we had children and really started building for the future.

 

It just scares the s*&t out of me to think of telling her now. Why introduce some old element. Again, if her's had ended quietly without me knowing that would have been okay by me. It would have saved me a lot of heartache; why introduce more now?

 

The thing is...DO you know 100% for sure that the OW will NEVER tell your wife?? Did anybody else know or see you? It would be a complete DISASTER if she found out a year from now or even 6 months from now...

 

I'm not saying she WILL find out, but she could some day... Are you willing to risk it all? Just be really sure.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Natural Cat

Yes, I am still holding on to a secret. A secret that is over 10 years old and for which I have carried a lot of guilt. I ended it with the OW b/c of guilt, b/c of my love for my wife and knew I had to go NC and work on my marriage. MW having an A seems like adequate punishment for me. It was the f*&%ing lack of physical touch that led me astray to begin with. Her giving that to someone else is karma enough for me.

 

I think you'd do well to go ahead and tell her, so that you can work this out in therapy.

 

Knowing that you were guilty of doing the same, will go a long way to helping her alleviate her own feelings of guilt and inadaquacy for one thing. Sometimes it's the cheater themselves that can't get over the infidelity. It eats at them from within, until they can't accept their partner's continued presence in their life.

 

You were able to move forward after your indescretion, despite the feelings of guilt that you carried with you. Not everyone is able do that. If she's one who isn't, she may not be able to look you in the face everyday at some point down the line.

 

Also, it seems like you are still in some ways blaming her for the affair that you had 10 years ago...."It was the f*&%ing lack of physical touch that led me astray to begin with. "

 

You need to recognize that you made a CHOICE. There were other methods to handle that problem, but you chose to not handle it at all, and seek outside the relationship. Lack of physical touch could still end up being an unresolved problem if you don't deal with it now. Citing your infidelity would tell her just how serious the matter is to you, and will lend it the gravity it deserves.

 

It's probably a scary thought for you to contemplate. But it could liberate you from the guilt and fear, and establish a whole new level of intimacy and honesty as well.

 

Think it over carefully. You know your situation best.

[LoveNoLoss]

This is a tough one. If I were you, I would discuss it with your MC FIRST and get his/her take on it. If you tell your wife about this affair, it will change the dynamics of the situation. She may feel a bit vindicated with her A because you had one and this will stall the recovery process. On the other hand, wouldn't you feel better to get it ALL out on the table seeing as you guys are dealing with dirty laundry now?? To tell or not to tell is a subject in itself that could be debated forever. I would talk to your MC and see what they say about it since they are in the "know" with your current situation. Telling your wife now WILL set you back but it could be worth it in the end. Keep us updated.

[Natural Cat]

whichway,

DO you know 100% for sure that the OW will NEVER tell your wife??

Yes, prior job, prior state. Have had no contact with OW in over 10 years.

 

 

Lj14,

You need to recognize that you made a CHOICE.

I know I made a choice. I should have said it was the attraction and temptation of physical touch I acted on instead of talking to my partner about, again. I should have told her again how I felt rejected totally and emotionally when she rejected me physically or was dispassionate, again how unloved I felt and again how I ached for her touch, but I didn't.

 

Citing your infidelity would tell her just how serious the matter is to you, and will lend it the gravity it deserves.

I've conveyed how serious the matter is to me many, many times. Her being involved emotionally and physically with someone else was crushing, but perhaps serves me right. Again, karma.

 

We are doing well in MC and addressing both of our needs. It's is an absolutely terrifying thought to contemplate. I don't want to set us back.

[wanting to heal]

I just told my wife about my ONS 20 yrs ago. I had lived with it until then. I would have never told her, because it was my mistake. Now, we have both done it.

 

I have huge intimacy issues in my M. If they do not get solved, I will not cheat. I made a mistake before, and I will not repeat it. But, I will not live with a woman that have offered my all to (caring, support, plenty of $, attention, passion) if she cannot or will not meet my wants.

 

If telling your wife ends your M, then it was not worth saving. Living without true intimacy hurts so much that it can destroy you. I can hire a maid, I can go to McDonald's for dinner, I can wash my own clothes and buy my own deodorant. I cannot be in a passionate, loving relationship without a W that shares those feelings.

 

My W has issues with closeness that came from her childhood. I am letting her and the counselor work that out while I am patient. I just know that my patience will have a limit.

[Natural Cat]

If telling your wife ends your M, then it was not worth saving.

 

I know you all advised me to tell her months ago. I know I am not being fair to her by holding on to this secret, but I so don't want to lose MW. She is my everything. My A was stupid and I realized that and got out of it, buried it and built a family.

 

I keep convincing myself (not completely) that this is now and that was then. Live in the present so to speak. If MC is helping us both in the present and there is nothing I can do about either of our past actions, why bring up the past? I know I'm looking for justification to not tell her.

 

I'm also looking for some magic way to get this all out there without setting us back. I've thought about bringing it up first in MC so I have the protection of a third party; selfish me. Our MC pointed out to me that her A could have ended without me ever finding out; that we need to stay focused on us and that our issues aren't really about the OM. Sounded good to me. Should I tell our MC first? If I do tell him, then I will have to tell her.

 

I know I can't wait much longer as I have stalled to long as it is. She and I are both working so hard and this is really starting to tear me up inside. I feel like I'm starting to spin out of control.

[Moose]

It sounds to me that the guilt is tearing you up. You need to confess......that's one thing for sure. But not necessarily to your wife or your MC. Sounds to me your right, but not clean. You need to come clean, and get right. Until you take care of this, you are just spinning your wheels and losing traction.......find your priest, pastor, or spiritual leader and get er' done.