tjFL Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 I'll try and sum this up quickly. Last year my husband walked out. Said he didn't love me and wanted a divorce. Our d was 15 at the time. At first he was seeing her every week for a day and then it dropped to a few hours and then d15 (now 16) asked to stop seeing him. She said his behavior was bizarre and he was mean and scared her. I rarely spoke to him through all this but felt he needed to know and his response was to stop seeing her. Then several months later I find out about the affair with his female boss. It had been going on for some time and he was living with her. In December he asked to come home, said he'd made a horrible mistake, blah, blah, blah. Cried, the whole nine yards. He came home in January. His behavior again started to be bizarre. I pulled up my cell phone records and low and behold, he was still with her. Talking and texting every day all day long. I told him to leave. He did. There has been no communication since. Not even to his own daughter. She does not know where he lives or how to contact him. He just walked out, back to ow and her kid. Before he left he said he thinks he is depressed and wanted me to give him 6 more months to figure out whether he doesn't like me and d16 because of depression or just because he doesn't like us. LOL I said no thanks. This has all been very hard and I can't even begin to tell you all the things he has done to us, but they haven't been nice. I've stayed as no contact as possible since the beginning because the emotional abuse he dishes out is extreme and it's just too much to deal with. I've lost my home because he didn't help financially, but he took the truck I bought him and stole my keys to it. So now he has that which I'm the primary on, driving it around and won't give it back. I have no idea even where it is to retrieve it. How do people just walk away from their kids and treat them like crap? I'm feeling a bit lost and I don't even know what to do next. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 Have you divorced him, and finalized the finances of your marriage in an official and legally binding manner? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tjFL Posted April 22, 2015 Author Share Posted April 22, 2015 Not yet. He left in Feb. 2014 and after recovering from the shock I hired a lawyer and started the process. I don't know if he found out about it or it was just coincidence, but he came back around wanting me to wait on the divorce, begging me to give him time. I fell for it. Then he actually did come home in Jan 2015 and was home until I asked him to leave 2 weeks ago after finding out he is still in his affair. So I need to finish up with the lawyer. I have an appointment next week. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chew123 Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 tjfl, My 28 year marriage, 35 years together ended officially 4 weeks ago. She admitted to the affair about 6 months ago. For me there was no way back and I got the divorce going as soon as I could. My only advice to you is to get the divorce done as soon as possible. Sounds like there is no hope so at least you may get some financial help from him. It does sound like you have started to move forward emotionally with the NC. That is real good. Just get the divorce done and continue NC as much as you can with a minor daughter. I know this is a terrible thing you are going through. It takes a while to get better. I am no where near over things but I am enjoying my life a little more each week. Good luck with everything, get the divorce done, and keep posting. The veterans here give great advice. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 Yep, file immediately and ask your lawyer about maintenance pending suit (or whatever it's called in your jurisdiction). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 I feel for you, tjFL. It's got to be difficult to digest especially after all of that time. You at least seem to be through the worst of it and you recognize him for what he brings to the relationship - abuse, lies, pain, etc., and you are not letting him do that anymore. That's good. I would follow chew's advice and push through with the divorce, don't contact him unless absolutely necessary, and do whatever you can to protect yourself and your daughter. Is there any legal recourse you can take to get your truck back? Can you get the authorities involved if the vehicle is in your name? If you know where he works, you may be able to go that route. All that said, the fact that he seems to have abandoned his relationship with his child is the worst part of this. She's already at an emotionally vulnerable age, and this could be very difficult for her to process, losing her dad at such a critical time in her life. I would suggest counseling for her and perhaps you as well to process this loss. Even though it's ultimately good to get rid of an abusive, lying cheat, it's still a loss that needs to be fully mourned. I wish you and your daughter the best of luck. Keep posting! KTB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 Well even if he chooses not to see his daughter he will still have to pay child support. At least she will have that coming. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Goodguy Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 Im sorry this is a very rough time and when they turn thees you seem like you are crazy at times. I am still in the beginning. Hang in there and come here for insight very very helpful 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tjFL Posted April 22, 2015 Author Share Posted April 22, 2015 Thank you for the feedback. I have been on another forum since last year, it's geared toward mid life crisis and what they call standing. It's really a wonderful site and has helped me to progress. I thought depression played a part and I still believe it does, but I can no longer ride his crazy rollercoaster. I need to save myself. It's very hard to take this path because I do believe he has some big issues. Just leaving our d16 and having no contact with her is telling enough. So I do feel in some way I'm abandoning him in his time of need. But it seems his only real need right now is destruction and pain, so I have walked away. When I asked him to leave two weeks ago because of the situation, I actually packed his stuff as he was stalling, he didn't even say goodbye to d16. Just told me she'd want to contact him in a few years. REALLY? There has to be something wrong with someone to do that. And I've been reading some of the threads on here and it appears there has been much gaslighting going on. I actually thought I was going nuts even though I'm not. I'm completely no contact with him. Quite the schemer he is. Anyway, I thought this forum would be better suited to my continued move through this horrible process. I still continue on the other forum. Such wonderful people there, but I don't want to hold onto hope anymore because it's holding me back. So I thought I would be better off on this forum, get some straight forward advise. I'm past the point of trying to save the marriage. That's destroyed. Completely. The divorce part is a struggle for me. The lawyer I picked is a putz. Lucky me. Hoping to gain some strength and insight from others here that are in the same boat or have already been there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
chew123 Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 tjFL, I spent a week or 2 on the midlife crisis site as well. I am glad you landed here now. If it is the same one I was on there were people who were "standing" waiting for there spouses to come back while their spouses were engaged in active affairs. Some of these poor folks were waiting for years. I really think this is a misguided approach to the problem. If they don't want you, divorce them and find someone who does. I personally think the midlife crisis stuff is a lot of hooey. Anyway, it sounds like you are no longer "standing" and are ready to start walking. Good for you. From your story it sounds like it is time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
azaleigha Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 Gosh, what a difficult situation to be in, especially considering how your daughter is being affected as well. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Do you and she have a good support system to turn to right now? It's important in times like these to have family and friends you can talk with and lean on, if possible. Have you looked into counseling, for both you and your daughter? Also, you mentioned your husband's depression - do you know if he's sought any professional help for that? Make sure your daughter knows that you're a reliable and stable support, because i'm sure that's something she'll need even more now. I hope you can figure out the best steps to take next for the well-being of both of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 (edited) He checked if you were still available on the backburner, you showed that you were. Ergo his affair will get more attention to secure that one too. I hope you're finally able to put your foot down, divorce and never take him back again. Never ever, no matter how much crocodile tears are shed. About the truck, mention it to your lawyer as well. And if he won't give it back in top condition he'll just have to pay the price for it. As soon as he attempts emotional abuse via phone, hang up etc. Edited April 22, 2015 by No Limit 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 (edited) No further chances for him. He's thrown them all away. Here's a for you. Edited April 22, 2015 by Satu Link to post Share on other sites
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