Ironpyrites Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 Cant seem to get my act together today, low confidence, self esteem, feel like an idiot for giving her a second chance, cant look people in the eye at work as I feel humiliated and that everyone knows even thought they don't. Colleagues telling me I look to thin am I ok? etc. What do you do on day's like this when the reality of the A bears down on you and your hearts in your boots. My wife cries every time she sees me sad now and says she cant believe what's she's done , I want to comfort her but don't have it in me always. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 Find someone in real life that you can really confide in. Based on your other threads, I see that you're not the type to show weakness, that you want to be the strong one for others. I can relate to that sentiment as I was always the counselor to others and shared my strength with them. All of that crap goes out the window after Dday, or it should. This is the time for YOU to lean on friends and family for support. I'm not a fan of widespread exposure of the affair. Some people believe you should shout it from the mountaintops. I disagree. However, I do believe that you should tell anyone you need to tell in the interest of support. Perhaps you don't tell everyone at work but if you have a close friend or two there, I'd not hesitate to let them know what's really going on with you. There's nothing for you to be embarassed about; it's your wife that made the poor decisions. If you've been there for others, let them be there for you now. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Red123 Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 Cant seem to get my act together today, low confidence, self esteem, feel like an idiot for giving her a second chance, cant look people in the eye at work as I feel humiliated and that everyone knows even thought they don't. Colleagues telling me I look to thin am I ok? etc. What do you do on day's like this when the reality of the A bears down on you and your hearts in your boots. My wife cries every time she sees me sad now and says she cant believe what's she's done , I want to comfort her but don't have it in me always. I can't say what will work for you, but I have definitely been there. I tried to keep myself busy at work, tried to have light conversation with my work friends during breaks and be gentle with myself. In the evenings when the kids were in bed I would talk to my H and tell him what was going on that day. As far as comforting your wife, you don't have to do that. It's hard, I still struggle at times with seeing his disgust with himself, but he made his bed. At times I do comfort him as he always comforts me. In my case the more we talk and face this the better it got. It's really hard and this is new for you. Try to keep your head up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ironpyrites Posted April 22, 2015 Author Share Posted April 22, 2015 I feel I cant bother other people with my BS, cried like a little kid last night but went to the spare room before I did , wife must have heard me and she came and tried to comfort me but I was like dribbling and sobbing asking her what I did so wrong and I must be useless. Felt ashamed afterwards. I went for a drink with a friend at the weekend but I made jokes about it had him in hysterics, I think when I do that people think it doesn't bother me and I give the wrong impression. Even now I think I can hear people going Aw boohoo you man up will you. Link to post Share on other sites
Red123 Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 I doubt anyone would ever tell you to man up when it comes to this. It is so painful, and your reaction is very normal IME. I sobbed, felt tones of shame, questioned myself and was afraid of others knowing. The truth is my H is the one who is truly ashamed, and should be, with the way he conducted himself during the A. We are a year and a half past DDay and he is so different. You didn't make her do this and if people did know they wouldn't question you they would think less of her. But having been in your shoes(kind of) the pain remains the same regardless of how others would see it. It's ok to grieve your M, it has changed and you were betrayed. It would be very strange if you didn't feel the way you do. She needs to help you through this if she wants to R with you. I wish you the best. I remember that raw pain, it does get better, but I couldn't see it in the first few months so don't be hard on yourself if you can't yet either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 I feel I cant bother other people with my BS, cried like a little kid last night but went to the spare room before I did , wife must have heard me and she came and tried to comfort me but I was like dribbling and sobbing asking her what I did so wrong and I must be useless. Felt ashamed afterwards. I went for a drink with a friend at the weekend but I made jokes about it had him in hysterics, I think when I do that people think it doesn't bother me and I give the wrong impression. Even now I think I can hear people going Aw boohoo you man up will you. I was devastated, too, and did some of the same sobbing. I think I cried at least once a day for at least a good six months. And this is coming from a guy that hadn't cried in 10 years. But a lot of this is because you are continuing to think her affair has something to do with you ("what I did so wrong and I must be useless"). It's completely normal to feel this sense of rejection after an affair. It's also completely wrong. Your wife cheated because something is broken within her. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Anto_80 Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 Dear Ironpyrites, I think all BS go through the same thing you`re going through. After I found about my wife`s affair, I cried for days. It felt like I was mourning a death. Eventually, with the help of my friends, I scraped myself together and filed for divorce. BEST. DECISION. EVER. My advice to you would be to get the divorce going. Are you contemplating divorce? Anyways, whatever you do, keep your head up and stay strong!!!!!!!!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 I feel I cant bother other people with my BS, cried like a little kid last night but went to the spare room before I did , wife must have heard me and she came and tried to comfort me but I was like dribbling and sobbing asking her what I did so wrong and I must be useless. Felt ashamed afterwards. I went for a drink with a friend at the weekend but I made jokes about it had him in hysterics, I think when I do that people think it doesn't bother me and I give the wrong impression. Even now I think I can hear people going Aw boohoo you man up will you. This tells me a lot about the kind of man you are - you are like me in this regard. When my wife cheated I suffered in silence for years and it only made my recovery more difficult but that's who I was at the time. I did what I thought was best and was wrong. Reconciling with your WW is going to be a near impossible task for a man like you. Your self-image & self-esteem are not strong enough to ever accept her and what she did. Your far from alone here - most husbands never "get over" their wife's cheating but many stay married for other reasons anyway. Since you don't have children I cannot imagine why you would want to put yourself through this agony for one second longer than you have to. While divorce is not a cure-all for infidelity, it seems to work better than reconciliation for many men. When you don't have to see her face every day it is easier to push the x-rated mind movies of her with OM out of your head. You don't trigger as often because you are otherwise occupied with your life. Be smart here - pack up and leave today. Call a lawyer tomorrow and get the divorce in motion. Start focusing on your personal recovery and get on with your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 There isn't anything wrong with letting your emotions out by crying. You were hurt in a way that is the worst pain ever. Honestly, in my opinion it wont go away if you come home every night and face her. You have a huge gaping festering wound that can't heal because your wife is the knife that caused it and by seeing her every day is doing nothing but reopening the wound. I think she should find another place to live so you don't see her everyday and can start to heal and you need to talk to someone. You need a shoulder to lean on and a ear that will listen so you can get it out. What your doing is spilling your guts to the one that cut you wide open so venting to her isn't doing you any good so tell her to leave so you can heal or this will bleed you to death. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 I feel I cant bother other people with my BS... I went for a drink with a friend at the weekend but I made jokes about it had him in hysterics. Even if it's just one friend, don't be afraid to lean on him. I felt the same way after D-Day. I didn't want to "bother" people. I didn't want to risk feeling embarrassed by telling them. But once I talked to a friend, it was a HUGE help. And if he/she is a good friend, they'll listen. And they'll know that the jokes are just a cover up. Three and a half years out, and we still vent about it from time to time. Ironically, he ended up going through something similar a couple years ago. Which leads me to another point: you're not alone. Unfortunately there are more people than you would think going through something similar. Which I assume is why you're here. Link to post Share on other sites
davidromero43 Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 I have been cheated on twice. Both times I cried so long and hard I thought I was going to get dehydrated. And I didn't tell anyone about it. I was so ashamed. That is the worst pain ever. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 get busy man! How do you envision your future, 5, 10, 15 years from now? Make it happen! get to a gym, art classes, a book, club.....start widening your social circles. Volunteer for a cause that grips your heart. If you STILL see yourself crying in a fetal position, get to a doctor...IC and GP....get anti-depressants and get healthy. Get going. It's your life and YOU are responsible for your future.....with or without her. Do it! Now! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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