Roller Coaster - crash or get off?

[lessthanherex]

What I do not need is someone telling me "the past is the past" and that I am "lucky to have what I have." That gets old especially when I get shortchanged and others in my life are handed such good fortune.

 

Now, let's look at her past and you may understand my frustrations. I have no issue that my wife is not a virgin. I knew this when we met and when we married. I am content that she only had intercourse with two others, and not multiple partners. I am not aware of any other sexual experience, but I suspect there was one other instance where she was nude, or performed orally (as indicated by suggestive comments in keepsakes). I was entirely content not knowing details of my wife's past.

 

However, I have learned details through memorabilia, others, and her clarifications that have changed my outlook and drastcially affected how I see our intimacy and sexual relationship. I felt like we had a special and exclusive sex life. I no longer feel that way, and I am extremely hurt by the deceit and compartive lack of interest, intimacy, and desire my wife has had for me in our marriage. It has taken me 18 years to establish a comfort and learn my wife's turn ons and satisfy her. It took these two guys less than 4 years each.

 

What I learned in recent years is that my wife was 14 years old. The summer between her 8th grade and freshman year when she met her first boyfriend. He was a 17 year old between his junior and senior year. My first objection is that I have no idea what a 17 going on 18 year old sees in a 14 going on 15 year old other than sexual prey. My wife always commented that he was "nice." Early conversations with her family made me realize that her parents would not allow her to date boys her age, but this guy was "nice." Really? Within the first year (she a freshman, he a senior) they had sexual contact. I am not aware if this was oral, a handjob, or if he had a premature ejaculation while exposed. Regardless, she had a pregancy scare without penetration that she discussed with her Mom. She was put on birth control. Wow! This action obviously put a stamp on the inevitable. She was 14, a freshman and on birth control. THis bothers me more today because our daughter is currently 14, and I would absolutely go insane if she were in this situation. I was in the locker room in high school. There is NO WAY my 14 year old is dating a senior boy. I have lost all respect for my in-laws after learning this was allowed to happen. This "nice" boy was seducing a 14 year old and spilling his seed on her. He had one goal here. That following summer, she had just turned 15 and he had just turned 18, and they had intercourse. I was fine with my wife not being a virgin. I was fine with a high school boyfriend taking her innocence. I am NOT OK with an 18 year old (legally) raping her at 15, and continuing to have sex with her while he is in college and she is a sophomore in high school. I am aware that she performed oral and they had sex more than twenty times. Almost everything I learned other than the previous came from a survey she completed online, and when I used her computer I found it, not knowing what it was. After reading through it, I realized this was not online, rather her response to a survey. She admitted she was ready and willing, and had no regrets of losing her virginity at 15. I cannot believe she would think that now that I am in the picture. My absolute fantasy is that we would meet in high school, and fall in love, be each others first, and marry like today. She also rated her comfort with him an "8" and when asked if she would change the timing she confirmed that she would absolutely have done it again lookign back today. She also states she chose the best partner to lose her virginity with. That one really hurt. She rated her overall sexual attraction to him an "8." Our family trip to Disney was a nightmare. Because I knew the timing of events and knew from pictures that she first went to Disney with her first lover. I was miserable. Also, pictures of them were always smiling, always touching or on top of each other, and she wore a ring on her ring finger. She continued to be with him until she was a senior. Then she met her second boyfriend, a fit, six pack, farm kid, in his first year of college while she was a senior. They had sex more immediately. They started dating in April and prom in early May he spent the night on the couch with her and had sex. Less than a month!! And she said our first encounter (no penetration) was uncomfortable. On the survey, she said he was a "9" for the right timing, Comfort level, physical, and emotionally he was also a "9"!! Thes two had sex almost every time they got together ove rthe next 4 years, making our first 10 years of marriage pale in comparison. We have sex currently about once every 15 days. She had sex with him 8 out of 10 times, and they didn't even live/stay together. She did rate him higher on a physical satisfaction than her first, and most hurtful I learned that she had regular orgasms with him. She lied about this, as she told me that nobody made her orgasm except on rare occasion, but I usually did. She rated her sexual attraction to this guy a "10."!!!!!!! She rated me higher than her first experience but not higher than her second guy. I always wondered how my wife was so satisfying with oral sex. She commented that she learned from me, and really didn't know how before. Well, again she lied. The survey stated that she both gave and received oral sex from all of her partners. She stated she prefered her partner to be physically fit. She ranked both her first and second boyfriends a "10" and me an "8."

With her first boyfriend she stated that she had sex 6 of 10 times they saw each other. Her second who I see in pictures half naked with her hands all over and wearing a ring (almost got married), she recorded having sex 8 or 9 out of 10 times. With me she recorded 6 out of 10. So not just by my recollection, but my wife admits that she had sex as much with her first boyfriend in high school as me, and had more sexual intercourse with her second boyfriend than me. More damning is that she enjoyed sex with him 100% versus my evidentally failing from adequate. She also lied in a dicussion about penis size brought up by a friend of hers. She stated that I was much bigger than her previous boyfriend. However, when surveyed she stated her previous was about the same.

It is not all about sex. What also bothered me is that she rated her first boyfriend higher on spending time together and that that was critical in her relationship. She ranks family the highest of her interests, and says her first boyfriend valued family more than me. She ranked me the same as her previosu boyfriend. Again, she always verbalizes to me that I was the one she chose for these reasons, yet she ranks me lower in an honest survey.

I have NEVER in my life had penis envy or been unsatisfied with my size. Factually, I know that I am slightly above average length and above average width. In fact, I had past experiences that led me to believe and verbally stated I was both hung and superior in bed. That same sentiment has not always translated with my wife. I am haunted by a comment she made when I stated my jeans were too tight in the crotch. She said, "why, you don't have THAT much down there." It may not have bothered me by itself, but coupled with another comment she made in bed, a few comments about big black @#$%, and an incident made me extremely conscious, and ever worried about what she thinks of my penis and how it lacks arousing her.

We attended a class reunion a couple years ago. While sitting with some of her guy classmates having drinks, they brought up another classmates penis size. They called him a nickname in highschool, comparing it to a 16oz beer bottle. I laughed while thinking, good for him, and glad my wife did not date him. When my wife and other classmates came over they continued the conversation. My wife said she never knew and laughed. Her response made me believe she did not know. She was usually uncomfortable discussing sex, let alone sex acts or anatomy. Certainly, discussing a classmates endowment was a conversation she would move on from, especially from what I would soon learn why she was uneasy. Later that night a group was outside socializing, and the subject came up again as this guy left with a girl. Except this time, my wife was standing right there, and engaged another female friend, "did you know about Adam?" "I didn't know he was hung." This shocked me, but I excused it as the alcohol talking and possibly I would benefit at the end of the night. Immediately after she spoke loudly (my wife tends to get loud in groups + drinking), a spouse of her female classmate spoke up. He was older, graduating with my wife's first lover. "You know who is really hung? Brian XXXX, he's hung down to his knees." Initially, my internals puckered, and my face flushed with envy, embarassment, and disgust. My wife immediately pretended not to hear him. At first, I thought she may have missed it, but I later realized she was simply avoiding hoping I would not hear, it would go away, or something. He didn't stop there. The guy continued to comment how his member dangled in the locker room. It was impressive. Well, know wonder, I thought. It explained a lot. Now my mind started racing and I realized why a bigger than average guy was not impressive to my wife. I realized why she lost her virginity at 15, and handled him at 14. I realized why she answered the survey questions without regret to having him. I didn't speak. When we left for the evening I was quiet. She asked what was wrong, and I hesitated. I think she was guarding, pretending not to know. She knew how this would tear me up, and realized she was caught in a huge bundle of lies. I said, "did you hear what he said?" She responded with ignorance. "Did you hear what he said about Brian?" She said No, but I know she heard, and her answer was almost a swallow at the same time. She didn't know how to respond which made it worse. A simple, "oh yes, he was huge. It doesn't matter though...........love you......you do this for me......." would have mitigated at best. Nope, she denied. "well, I don't remember that." Really? You don't remember having a stick the size of a beer bottle in you? Maybe you don't compare on the spot, but thinkiing back you don't know if he was big, bigger, different? She sputtered. She was busted, leading me to always believe her survey, the older classmate, her hurtful comments in the past, and my suspiscions were true. I tried to talk to her that night, tried to get her to remove the denial, and conceded that I was not of that stature, not endowed. It grew into a huge fight. Not because her 15 year old innocence was lost to a monster, but because she lied, hid the fact because internally it DID matter to her, and one truth could have avoided the ugly truth that she enjoyed her past more than our experiences. She refuses to clarify or discuss anyhting abou ther past now. Unfortunately, the information and deceit has pushed me further, and needing to know details would not be the normal request, but my imagination and the little knowledge I have is worse. The avoidance is like an admission to her disatisfaction with me physically. I gained more weight since I was rated an "8" to her "10" of an ex. Previous to that class reunion, my wife NEVER called me "big." Since that incident, she exclaims during sex, "It's huge....you're so big." which makes me shut down more than ever. I recall positions she made me try (two in particular) earlier in our relationship that just didn't work and frustrated her, resulting in me "falling out." Now, it is obvious her first boyfriend had the length to penetrate well in those positions, and she liked it. Back then she was experimental, now it is 99% on her back, no movement, no excitement. Sometimes, she looks at the clock, or asks me to finish. Now she has more excuses in her arsenal. She has turned the sexual frustration back on me too. It's my fault that I found out her past, and I need to just deal with it and move on. She blames our lack of intimacy on her own image issues and self-worth, reciprocating my inadequate feelings from her past. My lowered self-esteem in bed might be helped by encouragement or compliments. Instead, she tears me down further.

Now, I am at a crossroads. I love my wife, but that deep love and friendship hurts worse knowing that she does not feel any desire for me as a lover or sexual partner. It's like having an allergy to pizza and pizza being my favorite food. With kids, finances, etc. divorce is not an option. Knowing her, it would not end well (nor separation). I absolutely NEED that affection. Someone to touch and be touched, and sex. I am starting to consider other options discreetly. Therapy was brought up but she falls apart like it is the end, and won't seriously attend. I am lost, and my only solution right now is to satisfy my urges and attempt to liev a family life with her. I have very natural tendencies, but I also get extremely pissed off. I know if I saw her first lover I would want to repeatedly punch him in the face (I have never done that to anyone or felt that way). I want to take his daughter (not realistically) and @#%^ her at 15 years old. I want to make him feel pain. Her second boyfriend I feel is not my enemy, rather I am defeated by him. I feel like she should be with him. Not out of frustration, but seriously be with him. He is married now, so not likely. She gets mad when I say it, but the truth is that was her soulmate, her one desire, her everything. She settled for second (or maybe third). I just have enough pride to not be that guy that gets a settlement. I'm better than the puke that had to resort to preying on a 14 year old, and keep her on a leash while he was in college and she was a high school kid. I'm better than the guy that came back on the weekends to bang his high school girl and only have time for sex and not a real relationship. If she doesn;t recognize I am better than those guys by acting like I mean more, than why shouldn't I fulfill my needs?

[davidromero43]

Damn, I thought I had a problem. You can search for my penis size issue by clicking my name. From what I read it sounds like she is scared to upset you. I hate that big penis BS women tell us. I don’t think I ever said OMG your pussy is extra tight tonight. The fact she says that is proof she wants you to be happy. She wants to build up your self confidence. You notice and look for putdowns. It is like when you buy a new car and start seeing the same model everywhere. You look for it and find it. It got brought up, so it is no longer in the past. It feels like it is happening now. I get that. You have to wrap your mind around a bigger better penis. I can’t really help you there. I have the same problem. That BS about coming in third. Really feeling sorry for yourself I see. You seem to be the dominant partner in this relationship. So grab a “small” vibrator and get down there and ask her what you she wants. Some women like to get on top and control the movement. I know from lots of studying that penis size is more visual. The vagina only has a few inches of feeling. And the most stimulation is on top. So even a three inch penis can get the job done. But that doesn’t help the pain we get thinking about the woman we love on a giant penis. It sucks, can’t help, but I get it. The best advice is to get in the gym. Build up your self confidence. Tell her laying on her back gets the vibrator. I don’t think your problem with her number of times before you is your biggest problem. It is because you feel cheated by the number. You feel cheated by the age. You know why Macy’s one day sale is so popular? It is because it is not available all the time. It is not really just one day. But scarcity makes people want it more. So sex happens more before you are available all the time. Marriage turns sex into “I’m tired, we can do it tomorrow”. But marriage also guarantees someone to go to a high school function with you. Someone to wake up Christmas morning and make coffee with you. Don’t ruin a good thing because you can’t deal with feeling cheated about numbers, ages, and size. I know I’m dealing with it as best I can. I don’t want to lose a great relationship because I can’t control my feelings. Hope some of this helps.

[lessthanherex]

Actually, it is helpful to hear. I appreciate it. I have been hitting the gym. She keeps saying "I don't care how you look, I just want you healthy." While that may be partially true, I cannot help but get the ratings out of my head. I am THE LEAST attractive partner in regard to her sexual appetite. The problem being that she puts obstacles in the way. Like when I get up early to go to the gym, she asks me to lay back in bed. Not for sex, just to lay with her.

The penis size I should feel fortunate about. I am 6.5" with 6.25" circumference. By average standards that is slightly longer than average, and much, much thicker than average. The problem being that BF#1 was longer than me, and BF#2 was apparently similar in size. Not hung up on size as much as what it means to her. She obviously had more enjoyment from them as far as size, body type, and/or ability. The result is what pisses me off. No interest. Less action than them. They just wanted a piece of @$$, and I worked hard for this marriage.

I WAS the dominant partner. Her reaction and learning of the past has turned me into a psycho, scared, insecure piece of crap.

Yes, you are correct that married sex gets put aside. She has mentioned the same. Problem is I have made time, and cannot help but compare instances. Yes, we're busy and married, but we sleep together EVERY night. I can make attempts or walk naked in front of her....nothing. She elects to watch TV or look at her smartphone. It's not just sex. She claims she is not a hugging person, not touchy feely. Well, she was when we dated a bit, and she REALLY was with both of her exes. Best picture you find of us in 18 years is an arm around each other. Cannot find a pic of her exes where she isn't sprawled across them, intertwined, or at least a hand on their chest/lap. I'm just not that guy.

And it isn't just physical affection. She doesn't compliment. I get 12 commands, and 16 negatives, but I struggle to count positives. One day, I counted. 16 times she complained or said something negative to me or about me. Once she hinted at an appreciation for something I did. Not an attribute, but a task.

[davidromero43]

The gym is for yourself, not her. Women put way more value on self confidence than looks. <- I read that on facebook, but I bet it is true. Did she say you were the least attractive? Is she comparing you to an 18 year old, through the eyes of a 14 year old? You must be David Beckham to bridge that gap. When you walk naked in front of her, do you do a little dance? Do the Jeff Foxworthy skit with the washcloth on your erection? Give that a try next time. If she wants to spend time with you in the morning, then she cares a lot about you. My exwife and I would race to get away from each other in the mornings. So that shows she cares about you. Photos are just a slice of time that are usually manipulated for the photo. So many times I meet someone and think "you look nothing like your profile photo.". You can't compare real life to a posed photo. And even if you have to fake it, don't show the scared, insecure, psycho you. That is like chumming the bay. Keep building your self confidence and most everything else will fall into place. Oh, stop counting compliments and negativity. What is that really going to measure, if your justified for feeling like a scared, insecure, psycho? Maybe she is complaining because she wants you to be the man she fell in love with. Maybe if you get her in the gym, it will build her self confidence and she won't have as many issues.