No where to else to turn

[ZacG]

I'm looking for help.

38, two young kids, married 5 years, together 14. Both work, both have good jobs. Both children are happy.

 

The problem is a dynamic between us. The wife believes that I have some kind of mental instability or chemical imbalance from a sickness that caused me to lose a lot of weight in a short period of time that it is making me depressed and very moody. Our MC's thinks I should go on meds as well but I don't at all. All this makes me feel very alone, Lonely, desperate, angry and generally just very misunderstood.

 

I feel that infidelity, and post pardem depression after our first child has destroyed my emotional state with emotional abuse and torment and I don't feel that a spoken "I'm sorry" is good enough. I need more. Lots more groveling to feel that she means it.

 

The wife and MC's think I need medications to level my moods.

I feel that I need verifiable proof the cheating will never happen again.

 

Any help or advice at all? I'm at my wits end here and I don't know how much longer I can hang on living under the heavy tension and that has become the norm around my house.

Edited April 22, 2015 by ZacG

[GoBlue]

I am sorry for where you are at "ZacG". A Marriage Counselor is not qualified to diagnose the need for medication, only a psychiatrist is. A psychiatrist is a counselor who also has a medical degree. Have you ever gone to see one? You really don't need your wife to "grovel" but showing true brokenness and repentance is a normal expectation if trust is to ever be built again. I don't know what the specific solution to your situation is, but what would it hurt to go see a psychiatrist? At least you will be showing that you are willing to do your part as you try to fix your marital relationship. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Lizardracing]

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[ZacG]

End of next month.

I'm also now keeping a journal of when and what for when I get overly upset to try to isolate what is that bothers me the most. I'm hoping to find something specific that triggers my emotional uprisings. I guess I have no other choice but wait while I'm also trying to reduce the negative impact on my children and encourage the wife to play nice with me for another month but I may snap sooner than that as I feel I am at my wits end now. I hope a am stronger then I think. We are less physical and less imtimate then typical room mates and our children are acting out because of it. I feel horrible for my boys. This is not a life they choose but one I am choosing for them and my guilt rips me tears if I think about it to much.

[darkmoon]

so some counsellor mouthed off about meds cuz the counsellor could not help you, so s/he talks like a pro, a big dick in the field, then your wife agrees - counsellors, meh

 

but don't make her grovel, she was wrong and prolly feels bad deep-down, which the counsellor may or may not have looked into

Edited April 23, 2015 by darkmoon

[ZacG]

The MC is interesting and doesn't do things the traditional way the major universities teach it. It's actually husband/wife team very decorated in education. Both have Doctorates or Masters in physics, theology, psychiatry, biology, and some others I've forgotten. I trust them, sorta. The female counselor councils individually as well as he counsels individually and then everyone together in between sessions that way every ones perspective gets heard and understood without pressure. My biggest issue is that the male counselor has serious health issues that make my time with him not very productive. I feel like the wife's time is much more productive and she gets the bias. I guess what it comes down to is I'm still pissed the hell off for what she has done and don't know how to get over it or if it's even possible for me.

sigh....I wish I knew what to do.

[whichwayisup]

Find another marriage counselor because this one is NOT working. It's unfair that he has time for your wife, time for when you two are together doing counseling but no time for when it's your one on one time with him.

 

Your wife had an affair? And she was/is suffering from PPD after having a baby? Or she had an affair in the past?

 

Do not go on meds. Your low mood is due to what is going on and it's best to learn other techniques to help you cope better. Do yoga, brisk walking, meditation. Google CBT and read up on that to help you. Ask the counselor about it too.

Edited April 26, 2015 by whichwayisup

[DatingDirection]

Find another marriage counselor because this one is NOT working. It's unfair that he has time for your wife, time for when you two are together doing counseling but no time for when it's your one on one time with him.

 

Your wife had an affair? And she was/is suffering from PPD after having a baby? Or she had an affair in the past?

 

Do not go on meds. Your low mood is due to what is going on and it's best to learn other techniques to help you cope better. Do yoga, brisk walking, meditation. Google CBT and read up on that to help you. Ask the counselor about it too.

 

Yes, I was going to mention those other alternative to meds. Don't go on meds, they will mess with your moods even more, and make you gain a lot of weight. I find that eating a plant base diet, really helps stabilize my moods, and exercise. I also find that once trust is broke in a RL, it's unrepairable.

[digdug75]

All this makes me feel very alone, Lonely, desperate, angry and generally just very misunderstood.

 

Do you have any support outside of MC's and wife? (such as family or friends that you trust)

I feel that infidelity, and post pardem depression after our first child has destroyed my emotional state with emotional abuse and torment and I don't feel that a spoken "I'm sorry" is good enough. I need more. Lots more groveling to feel that she means it.

 

 

Wow how long has emotional abuse/ torment been going on?

 

I feel that I need verifiable proof the cheating will never happen again.

 

 

Hell ya you do! I don't know how you would be able to receive the verifiable proof though. I mean do you still trust her?

 

 

Any help or advice at all? I'm at my wits end here and I don't know how much longer I can hang on living under the heavy tension and that has become the norm around my house.

 

I wonder if you still love her? If yes, then the first thing that pops into my mind is forgiveness. At this point if you still feel the relationship is worth fixing then make it happen. If you feel that these Marriage Counselors are not fulfilling your need for emotional help then go see another therapist who will deal with your emotions only.

 

 

I guess the only real help I can give you is this. Use medication as your absolute last resort even then be leery. I have been off and on mediations for years. Non have ever helped my emotional state. In some cases they made things worse. I would agree with last 2 responders. Non processed food, and fast food should be avoided. Studies have shown that those types of foods alter moods. Have you found out why you have lost weight so fast? I can only assume you don't drink alcohol or do drugs. So next thing I would do to try to relief emotional build up is exercise. It use to be running for me. Now it is riding mountain bike. I hope others on this site come up with more options/solutions. Sorry to read that you are have to go through such a thing.

[ZacG]

I think the medications have been brought up because the wife see's my frustrations came out as anger and resentment toward her when my needs are being met. We seem to be in a cycle where we can't meet each others needs until we can meet the needs we have. The word Bipolar have been gently thrown around but I strongly believe my moods swings stem from a specific cause. Basically put, I only angry with her and I'm pretty laid back with everyone else in my life. The MC's see my frustration come out in session because, again, my needs aren't being met there either and I do not feel I am being heard by anyone in that room. I feel like these three people have decided I have I have an emotional imbalance and so now any time I get frustrated from being so alone my anger get labeled such and I'm not taken seriously anymore. I feel very backed into a corner and fighting is my only way out. I also feel no matter how loud I yell, no one can hear me and those that might hear me aren't listening. It sucks donkey balls.

My outside the relationship support is very little to non existent. In fact, most people rely on me instead of me relying on them. I know of some really good listeners and that's great and all but I need advice on real actions to take.

I would guess she says it's emotional abuse because she is scared that my anger will eventually turn into something physical and the things I say that I feel when angry are very hurtful. Of course they are hurtful! they are things she doesn't want to hear! I personaly think she plays the victim card too aggressively. My trust is bottomed out. As far as I am concerned, talk is cheap. Actions and reactions dictate the real person feelings behind the "I'm Sorry's" and person says it, they also have to live it or it doesn't mean squat.

 

I said I'd go on the meds for a trial period way back when and I intend to fulfill that. I have only 1 week left and that's it, I'm done. I haven't liked the side effects at which include laziness and weight gain. The wife and MC's want me to try some other meds for a month at a time because some effect other people differently and some work differently than others and some stop working and so on, to find one that works with acceptable side effects. To me, that's just reasoning out a manipulation tactic to keep me on something I don't think I need to begin with. If there are a dozen or more drugs to try for 4 weeks each that's nearly a year of doping me up! Who is to decide what works the best anyway? Me, the one all doped up? The wife, the one who's idea it was to dope me up?, The MC's, the one listening to the wife? Who decides there is a standard for effect? What is that standard anyway? Is it never getting angry? Just once in a while maybe? Once a week? Isn't that standard depend on what's going on in my life at the time? Why can't I set that standard? None if these questions sound like good choices at all.

 

She cheated on me, as far as I know just one night when I came home from my second job and walked on them. Yes, this was 1 1/2 years into PPD after our first was born. Strangely, the second born seemed to have largely straightened out the PPD and other hormonal issues.

 

CBT is good advice. I'll get on that today! Thank You!