He bought the ring, what do I do NOW?

[Messinaround9]

I think I have felt that he's a "prize" because he used to travel every day to see me! He said he loved me soooo much ...he would literally sit in a coffee shop all day doing work and wait for me to come out and then drive back with me. He often rubs it in - but he neglected his entire life -- doesn't see his kids games at times - etc. Because he says he just loves being by my side.

 

 

He has put in TREMENDOUS effort to be with me. But, he says he just can't do the long distance any longer. He told me that he totaled up how much he's spent in hotels and food etc to see me - and rubbed that in my face. It was over 10k!

 

 

But, I never asked for him to do that. Many times it made absolutely NO SENSE for him to come wait for me -- when he could be at home hanging out with his kids (he's divorced).

 

 

When I'd kindly say ...why don't you go work out and spend time with your kiddos while I go work and then I'll see you tonight or tomorrow? He will say "It's clear you don't want me with you...you just want to be by yourself...what are you hiding?.... I think you are having secret lunches etc with people...that's why you don't want me there, right?"

 

 

Then I would feel bad for making him feel insecure -- after all the sacrifice he's made. He says he wants to support me and help me transition into my dream job and not have to worry about money. But, as mentioned earlier -- all he did when he finally got my bills (which he asked for!) was tell me I was punishing him and then threaten to cancel our engagement trip.

 

 

He's now crying and begging me not to ruin this trip. He had planned one a few months ago and he cancelled it and returned the ring because we got into a major fight. So, now he's pleading with me..not to ruin it.

 

 

So I'm truly in a do or die moment. I either go back to my old city and my old job (if I can still get it)....or I go with him and get engaged.

 

 

I do think I may have to do no contact -- and just disappear and tell him to send me my belongings -- because every time we do this -- I get reeled back in by his crying and sobbing.

 

 

What's the reason he's such a prize to you, he sounds disgusting and your relationship sounds 100% miserable!!!

[Syberia]

He sounds like such a prize because he is needy, clingy, and insecure which are fueling his abusive tendencies? That's not healthy.

[elaine567]

 

I do think I may have to do no contact -- and just disappear and tell him to send me my belongings -- because every time we do this -- I get reeled back in by his crying and sobbing.

 

Yes and when he realises you are truly going, he could get very nasty.

You have to just disappear.

[normal person]

I think I have felt that he's a "prize" because he used to travel every day to see me! He said he loved me soooo much ...he would literally sit in a coffee shop all day doing work and wait for me to come out and then drive back with me. He often rubs it in - but he neglected his entire life -- doesn't see his kids games at times - etc. Because he says he just loves being by my side.

 

He has put in TREMENDOUS effort to be with me. But, he says he just can't do the long distance any longer. He told me that he totaled up how much he's spent in hotels and food etc to see me - and rubbed that in my face. It was over 10k! But, I never asked for him to do that. Many times it made absolutely NO SENSE for him to come wait for me -- when he could be at home hanging out with his kids (he's divorced).

 

So he spent 10K on seeing you, partly at the expense of his kids. Sounds like an awesome dad...

 

Just because he decided (on his own!) to do these things for you, spent money, planned a vacation, bought a ring, etc does NOT obligate you to marry him. This guy is a sociopathic child.

 

 

So I'm truly in a do or die moment. I either go back to my old city and my old job (if I can still get it)....or I go with him and get engaged.

 

I do think I may have to do no contact -- and just disappear and tell him to send me my belongings -- because every time we do this -- I get reeled back in by his crying and sobbing.

 

Leave when he's at work. Take your stuff with you, this is the kind of ******** who would hold it hostage.

[BlueIris]

So I'm truly in a do or die moment. I either go back to my old city and my old job (if I can still get it)....or I go with him and get engaged.

 

I do think I may have to do no contact -- and just disappear and tell him to send me my belongings -- because every time we do this -- I get reeled back in by his crying and sobbing.

 

Yep. Time to go. Now. Don't worry about the stuff. This guy is a powder keg about to blow- again, and probably worse- and I wouldn’t want to be near him when he does!

 

I’d go home (old city). Work out what to do when you get there.

 

So… can you leave now? Right now? Do you have the ability to go? If you need help, call your friends and family and get them to help you, maybe get money to you, whatever needs to be done.

 

When you go, turn off any gps on your phone. Maybe throw the phone away. Seriously. Don’t talk to him again, except maybe to text or email him to not contact you again once you’re safely away.

 

Good luck and stay focused on what you have to do.

Edited April 22, 2015 by BlueIris

[elaine567]

Leave when he's at work. Take your stuff with you, this is the kind of ******** who would hold it hostage.

 

...or deliver it to you, in person.... EEK!

[Syberia]

When you go, turn off any gps on your phone. Maybe throw the phone away. Seriously. Don’t talk to him again, except maybe to text or email him to not contact you again once you’re safely away.

Or to tell him you've taken out a restraining order against him. This may be necessary.

[BlueIris]

...or deliver it to you, in person.... EEK!

 

Interesting post there, elaine...

 

OP… just to clarify something… and I truly apologize if I am way off base…

 

are you a news reader with a minor child that your ex-husband has custody of and your ex has a RO on your boyfriend and BF’s a surgeon who takes his cell into surgery to keep tabs on you and had you followed by a PI and you stayed with your best friend the gay hairdresser? The posting style is similar, as are some of the facts you’ve given.

 

If that is not you, I do apologize.

[Messinaround9]

No I'm a loan adjuster... And I have no children.

 

And to answer the other posts. Do you really think that he sounds like the type I need to just disappear from?

 

I have almost everything at his house. I guess I could just start over. Heart breaking.

[BlueIris]

No I'm a loan adjuster... And I have no children.

 

And to answer the other posts. Do you really think that he sounds like the type I need to just disappear from?

 

I have almost everything at his house. I guess I could just start over. Heart breaking.

 

ok, sorry about that.

 

Yes. He's abusive- mean, manipulative, controlling, and he blames you for how he acts- no matter how sad or kind he is at other times.

 

Frankly, the only things I can think of that would be impossible to replace are pictures and a computer/materials in a computer, maybe family things that are important to you. Can you get those out without seeing him? If not, personally, I'd just go.

 

A guy like this is not someone you're going to be heartbroken over in a few months. You now know what is is truly like and the reality can't be ignored. He's not going to get better. Don't get sucked back in.

[CarrieT]

Do you really think that he sounds like the type I need to just disappear from?

Yes.

 

I have almost everything at his house.

It is just stuff. Stuff can be replaced.

 

Heart breaking.

How many times has he reduced you to tears? He has already broken your spirit and you just can't see it...

[Messinaround9]

Yes, he has reduced me to tears so much.

 

 

I can't understand why I constantly feel I need to STAY with him. He does blame me - I know that. I am not perfect, but I don't deserve all the blame I receive.

 

 

He just seems to attack me verbally when he gets frustrated. It's like he ENJOYS fighting. It's a sport for him.

 

 

But, today when I told him that I was hurt that he was accusing me of being at lunch with someone when I was at WORK -- he said that I am starting the game...trying to get him to say something bad so I can just stay away from him.

 

 

Leaving will truly leave me with nothing but a suitcase. I think he would eventually send me my things, but I can't count on it.

 

 

Ugh - it's gut wrenching to think about doing this. But, I have to hold onto the moments I nearly left him already. The other night when I was crying so hard - I couldn't breathe. I had that moment of "clarity".. I KNEW that I had nothing - I have left everyone including my job. And I could end up homeless? I was a successful woman!

 

 

I need to hold on to that feeling -- because it was pure agony. I've had a job since I was 14. Being without a paycheck -- a GOOD paycheck - is extremely disappointing to me.

[2.50 a gallon]

This is just the start, with time the abuse will get worse.

If your things are that important get the police involved.

[BlueIris]

This is just the start, with time the abuse will get worse.

If your things are that important get the police involved.

 

Good point. Call the police and request a civil stand-by.

[MidwestUSA]

BlueIris has a good point. Did you give custody of your son to your ex? I hope so. I can direct you to some other threads which should help, if you would heed the advice given, but it's obvious that's not going to happen.

 

Why?

[CarrieT]

Learn the mantra, "It is just stuff... It is just stuff... It is just stuff..."

 

OP, when I was 20, I married the guy I thought was my soulmate. Four years later, I came home early from work with the flu and found my husband having sex with another man. I left with a suitcase full of the most important things to me at the time - mementos from my parents and grandparents. I bought clothes at the Goodwill.

 

I got restarted and got my feet on the ground again. Less than three years later, the house I was renting was destroyed by the Northridge earthquake.

 

In my twenties, I lost all my "stuff" TWICE! It can become freeing to realize it is just stuff... You can always buy new things (i.e., New Memories!). You don't always have a chance to get away with your soul and I think if you stay with this guy, he will suck you dry because he is an emotional vampire. He will wear you down to the extent that you won't have the strength to leave.

 

So take pictures of the "things" you believe are important to you now, fill a suitcase with the bare necessities (knowing that it doesn't have to be a favorite sweater or outfit! THOSE *are* replaceable!), but those personal, family items that can't be replaced. Again, clothes from second-hand stores will get you buy so just grab underwear.

 

And get the heck out of there....

[alsudduth]

I am actually worried about your safety the longer you stay. Please take our advice and get out NOW.

[spiderowl]

Well here is what's strange. He begged me to move and quit my job. And I said I couldn't because I didn't want him paying my bills. He said he wanted to... Begged.

 

So now that I'm here and no money... I told him what I had coming due next month. He knew the totals. Just not the specific dates. When I told him the information he flipped out. He said "are you trying to punish me for being with you?!" I said no! Never. I hate asking for help. You knkw I wanted to keep working! He then said "it's like you are trying to find every single negative thing and throw it in my face.." Then he said maybe he should cancel the trip. He said "you realize that was where I was going to propose!" "Look what you have done. Why do you do this to me?"

 

 

So the very next day he apologized. Started crying. Begged my forgiveness. And told me he can't lose me. He was worried I was going to leave and go back to work. I told him I wanted to go work for the day on a project. It was 2 hours away. He flipped out. He started screaming and yelling at me. And told me that working away from him should not be my priority. That I am too stubborn and he doesn't know how to take it.

 

He sounds very controlling. He's encouraged you to move from your comfort zone to be with him. Doing that is likely to mean you are more dependent on him because you have to change jobs, make new friends, etc., so he should expect a certain amount of that. He's getting angry with you and the blaming you all the time. I agree with others that he's being very manipulative. I don't think you owe him anything. It is not your fault he got the ring, it was his choice. What kind of guy gets angry with you then tells you he was going to propose? It all sounds pretty bad to me. I know you've invested a lot but you are clearly having major doubts (not suprisingly). I'm sorry that you face having to relocate again, if you opt out of this relationship but it really sounds as if you need to. I don't foresee his manipulative controlling behaviour getting better over the course of a relationship.

[spiderowl]

Leaving will truly leave me with nothing but a suitcase. I think he would eventually send me my things, but I can't count on it.

 

What you are saying there is very telling. You are saying it is likely this guy will not send your things on or allow you to collect them without hassle. That is not the behaviour of a decent guy. You are already afraid of how he is going to react. How would a decent guy react? He would be heartbroken, of course, but he would understand he can't retain your stuff or scare you.