Character Flaw in WS?

[gettingstronger]

I asked my husband about this question and he said-

 

"well, if ruining the best relationship I have ever had doesn't say something negative about my character, I don't know what does"

[truncated]

One of the main "character flaw" that I've noticed in people who engage in affairs is a marked inability to compartmentalize/rationalize behvaior and/or a marked inability to put themselves in the shoes of another and understand the pain their actions may cause another.

[Spark1111]

I believe a very particular type of people want to label WS with some magical specf=ific character flaw because it is easy to blame, supposedly easy to avoid, and seals their position as supreior.

 

Superior? Don't think so.

 

Developing feelings for another during a low point in a marriage? Very normal.

 

Fueling that attraction to validate one's ego? Less so.

 

Lying, sneaking around, betraying for months or years when the simple truth would do?

 

Pathological and in the very small percentages. Most could not do it.

[autumnnight]

Superior? Don't think so.

 

Developing feelings for another during a low point in a marriage? Very normal.

 

Fueling that attraction to validate one's ego? Less so.

 

Lying, sneaking around, betraying for months or years when the simple truth would do?

 

Pathological and in the very small percentages. Most could not do it.

 

I agree that while a person is cheating, they have to be pretty messed up to do it. I don't buy the whole "they were secretly evil all along and will always be broken and less than real humans" BS.

 

While someone is lying they are a liar. before they ever lied, and once they stop lying once and for all, they aren't.

 

I would think knowing people can change would be hopeful, but it seems to be threatening or frightening to a lot of people, and I have to wonder why.

[Grapesofwrath]

I think about this one a lot. I think there can be serious character flaws in cheaters, and then in other people it's a case of a good person making a bad choice, and then lying to cover up that bad choice because of fear of consequences. and still others who make that bad choice, then come clean to their BS and face the consequences.

 

I believe there is a difference between someone who frequents prostitutes and has constant anonymous sex with strangers, someone who gets drunk on a business trip and has a ONS that they regret, and someone who is engaged in a long-term love affair with a partner. Plus all the variations in between. These are all cheating, but I think the characteristics necessary to engage in each of them are quite different.

[elaine567]

One of the main "character flaw" that I've noticed in people who engage in affairs is a marked inability to compartmentalize/rationalize behvaior and/or a marked inability to put themselves in the shoes of another and understand the pain their actions may cause another.

 

I actually believe the ability to compartmentalize well allows cheaters to cheat. They have separate boxes for each aspect of their lives and one box isn't allowed to impact on the other. The hidden private box that is the affair, is hence kept "outside" of their core relationship.

They can then love their partner, but still can sleep with or even love the OM/OW at the same time, with little upset to themselves for their own wrong doing.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I actually believe the ability to compartmentalize well allows cheaters to cheat. They have separate boxes for each aspect of their lives and one box isn't allowed to impact on the other. The hidden private box that is the affair, is hence kept "outside" of their core relationship.

They can then love their partner, but still can sleep with or even love the OM/OW at the same time, with little upset to themselves for their own wrong doing.

 

I've not thought about that angle much but when I ask my WW how she was able to come home to me after having sex with the OM and look me in the eye she says it was a separate part of her life and she put it in a box and did not think about it. So I think you are probably right, how could anyone cheat if they were not able to do that?

 

But does everyone do that about parts of their life? I know I have rarely discussed my business life with my wife. She knows about the success's because she sees the results but never hears any of the frustrations and failures that are common day to day. I think that's a similar mindset but that does not make me a cheater.

[Spark1111]

I agree that while a person is cheating, they have to be pretty messed up to do it. I don't buy the whole "they were secretly evil all along and will always be broken and less than real humans" BS.

 

While someone is lying they are a liar. before they ever lied, and once they stop lying once and for all, they aren't.

 

I would think knowing people can change would be hopeful, but it seems to be threatening or frightening to a lot of people, and I have to wonder why.

 

I too believe people can change when they have hit rock bottom.

 

i am sucessfully reconciled to someone who cheated for 2 years. when he knew SHE wasn't the one, he began trawling the waters for her replacement.

 

I KNEW All... And threw him out to be the single man he longed to be. She knew NOTHING of the OOW he was chatting up during his Mid-life crisis depression where she hoped she was saving him from a loveless marriage! ha!

 

SHE Never will. He Never told her he had carte blanche to be with his soul mate. HE never told her....

 

i don't abide that someone lies and then never will again. Most people do not espouse to that scenario. MOST people could never lie, deceive and betray to the extent cheaters can.....

 

BUT, there is always hope they can change... And I believe he has. But I would be a FOOL to believe he could not start lying again....if it suited him.

 

And I am not alone as evidenced by pages and pages of LS pages of BSs who have survived infidelity.

 

Fool me once, shame on you.

 

Fool me twice, shame on me.

 

And I know of NO BS who doesn't feel the same as I do.

 

Do not be naive here.

[Spark1111]

I've not thought about that angle much but when I ask my WW how she was able to come home to me after having sex with the OM and look me in the eye she says it was a separate part of her life and she put it in a box and did not think about it. So I think you are probably right, how could anyone cheat if they were not able to do that?

 

But does everyone do that about parts of their life? I know I have rarely discussed my business life with my wife. She knows about the success's because she sees the results but never hears any of the frustrations and failures that are common day to day. I think that's a similar mindset but that does not make me a cheater.

 

Only if you were stealing or defrauding your company.....In which case, if the shoe fits....

 

BUT, if it doesn't, then NO, Not at all the same.

[beatcuff]

I've not thought about that angle ... she says it was a separate part of her life and she put it in a box ...But does everyone do that about parts of their life?

 

what happens in vegas stays... yes we do. you act one way at home, another at work, another with your buds and another with the in-laws. we ALL do it. how many times do you hear (or from co-workers) you need time to decompress before going into your home --- a/k/a leave the job outside.

[autumnnight]

I too believe people can change when they have hit rock bottom.

 

i am sucessfully reconciled to someone who cheated for 2 years. when he knew SHE wasn't the one, he began trawling the waters for her replacement.

 

I KNEW All... And threw him out to be the single man he longed to be. She knew NOTHING of the OOW he was chatting up during his Mid-life crisis depression where she hoped she was saving him from a loveless marriage! ha!

 

SHE Never will. He Never told her he had carte blanche to be with his soul mate. HE never told her....

 

i don't abide that someone lies and then never will again. Most people do not espouse to that scenario. MOST people could never lie, deceive and betray to the extent cheaters can.....

 

BUT, there is always hope they can change... And I believe he has. But I would be a FOOL to believe he could not start lying again....if it suited him.

 

And I am not alone as evidenced by pages and pages of LS pages of BSs who have survived infidelity.

 

Fool me once, shame on you.

 

Fool me twice, shame on me.

 

And I know of NO BS who doesn't feel the same as I do.

 

Do not be naive here.

 

I'm sorry, I think I am confused. Are you saying you are successfully reconciled now, or that you reconciled and he blew it again and you (very understandably) kicked him to the curb?

[cocorico]

I agree that while a person is cheating, they have to be pretty messed up to do it. I don't buy the whole "they were secretly evil all along and will always be broken and less than real humans" BS.

 

While someone is lying they are a liar. before they ever lied, and once they stop lying once and for all, they aren't.

 

I would think knowing people can change would be hopeful, but it seems to be threatening or frightening to a lot of people, and I have to wonder why.

 

During our A, my H "lied by omission" to the BS, behaving as she had trained him to over the years. He discussed in IC the difficulties and struggles entailed in that, and gained insights that helped him to break free.

 

Once he'd left the M, he reverted to his normal self - as attested by his family and friends - and shook off the persona he'd been forced to adopt during the M.

 

Had he been "evil all along", willingly allowing his young mind to be warped into submission by the scheming BS by initially agreeing to become her AP and later "betraying" her as WS? Or was he simply naive, caught up in a dynamic that progressively hurtled him toward a situation from which there was no bloodless escape? Does it even really matter?

 

What mattered *to him* is that he allowed his life to follow a trajectory over which he felt he had less and less control, in which he felt increasingly trapped, within which he felt increasingly less agency. What mattered *to him* was how and why he allowed that to happen, despite his better judgment. What mattered *to him* was how to "fix" it and prevent it from happening again. Hence the time and energy he committed to IC, and the continued commitment to doing things differently in our R.

[Furious]

I was very amused when I came across the letters my H's xBW had written him in the early days of their A (she was WS, he her AP). The very qualities she claimed so to admire in him at that stage (by contrast to her BH, about whom she could say nothing good) were the same ones she later saw as flaws, that she hurled at him as insults after he'd left her.

 

I agree the irony is amusing.

[Hope Shimmers]

I was very amused when I came across the letters my H's xBW had written him in the early days of their A (she was WS, he her AP). The very qualities she claimed so to admire in him at that stage (by contrast to her BH, about whom she could say nothing good) were the same ones she later saw as flaws, that she hurled at him as insults after he'd left her.

 

So your husband's first marriage started out as an affair as well?

[Furious]

This is a question for the BS's out there. It is over one year since DDay for me, a BH. We are in the process of getting a divorce.

 

 

My question is in hindsight, was there a character flaw or personality trait that you now see in your WS that you overlooked or ignored earlier in your relationship? Are you still surprised that she cheated, looking at everything in hindsight? Have your friends made comments alluding to flaws after the fact?

 

 

Percy Sledge's recent passing prompts this question. One of the lines in "When a Man Love's a Woman" is "She can bring him such misery

If she plays him for a fool, he's the last one to know. Lovin' eyes can't ever see."

 

 

I think some people see love as infatuation and that's the standard they apply to love. There are stages that love goes through. Some people cannot move beyond the heady in love stage as opposed to a deeper love that is calm and brings attachment.

 

Some people are in love with being in love, it's a heady stage of love, it feeds the ego and perfection is mirrored in each other's eyes. The interest and discovery of each other, the glow of happiness is addictive. The reality, is that it's only the first stage of love, the second stage of love is accepting that neither walk on water and the reality of life interferes.

 

Hindsight is 20/20, how can anyone truly recognize that the one who loves them will not be able to move forward into the different stages of love.

 

For some love is about excitement and feelings. Feelings are great, but feelings change and this can become problematic if ruled by feelings alone. It's kind of like a dog chasing it's tale in search of something that is not long lasting but provides a huge dose of endorphins.

 

Anything long lasting in life, whether it be a marriage, children, business, requires maturity and hard work, and often it's not always fun. The persistence and being realistic while navigating the good with the bad is what true love and success is about.

 

Often people are "me" orientated as opposed to "we" and "us". In hindsight, it's clear if the one we loved was a "we" or "me" person.

[fellini]

I think your post contains a lot of "truisms". I agree with them whole heartedly. The exception is when you suggest, because you don't come right out and say it, that those people who "are in love with being in love" is the source of the infidelity issues. I think that in some this may account for certain types of serial cheats - and by this I mean someone who falls in love, settles, gets anxious finds a new fresh love, splits, settles, gets itchy, finds another... makes sense your suggestion.

 

But I don't think these "heady" types can come close to explaining marriages, like my own, like a dozen currently being discussed in LS, that have 10, 15 20 years behind them. I'd say that if you have survived 20 years happily with the same person without an itch, your issue is perhaps that your personal resources to stay committed to anyone for a very long period have exhausted themselves and a new set of resources are required to keep things moving as they ought to.

 

Although a BS myself, I cannot see how the chatter about vows, wedding days, once a cheater always a cheater, if she loved you she wouldn't cheat, wanting strange, probably done it before, how any of these conjectures help a BS who has truly lived blissfully, given the circumstances, with a life partner for 15 plus years, can accept reducing the infidelity to such distortions.

 

If we are to accept that someone Comes into a marriage with a "character flaw" and we are going to point our finger at that flaw as the source of the archilles heal in them, how do we explain the 20 years of dedicated married life? Even 10 years?

 

If my character flaw is how I process conflict in my marriage, how on earth do I mange to stay faithful for 10 years, when I have my youth, and then suddenly I process a rupture in the marriage as a signal to go out and cheat. I simply do not see marriages so superficially.

 

 

 

I think some people see love as infatuation and that's the standard they apply to love. There are stages that love goes through. Some people cannot move beyond the heady in love stage as opposed to a deeper love that is calm and brings attachment.

 

Some people are in love with being in love, it's a heady stage of love, it feeds the ego and perfection is mirrored in each other's eyes. The interest and discovery of each other, the glow of happiness is addictive. The reality, is that it's only the first stage of love, the second stage of love is accepting that neither walk on water and the reality of life interferes.

 

Hindsight is 20/20, how can anyone truly recognize that the one who loves them will not be able to move forward into the different stages of love.

 

For some love is about excitement and feelings. Feelings are great, but feelings change and this can become problematic if ruled by feelings alone. It's kind of like a dog chasing it's tale in search of something that is not long lasting but provides a huge dose of endorphins.

 

Anything long lasting in life, whether it be a marriage, children, business, requires maturity and hard work, and often it's not always fun. The persistence and being realistic while navigating the good with the bad is what true love and success is about.

 

Often people are "me" orientated as opposed to "we" and "us". In hindsight, it's clear if the one we loved was a "we" or "me" person.

Edited April 30, 2015 by fellini

[truncated]

I've not thought about that angle much but when I ask my WW how she was able to come home to me after having sex with the OM and look me in the eye she says it was a separate part of her life and she put it in a box and did not think about it. So I think you are probably right, how could anyone cheat if they were not able to do that?

 

But does everyone do that about parts of their life? I know I have rarely discussed my business life with my wife. She knows about the success's because she sees the results but never hears any of the frustrations and failures that are common day to day. I think that's a similar mindset but that does not make me a cheater.

 

 

While it's true that everyone compartmentalizes their different aspect of their life to a certain extent, affairs have a quality about them that puts them into a separate category.

 

It's the lying.

 

While you may not tell your wife everything about your workday, should she ask, you could tell her. you do not have to worry about her finding out about things that go on at work that could hurt her if she found out, and you don't intentionally hide things from her or go behind her back.

 

it takes a certain kind of person and mindset to be able to stab your spouse in the back by cheating on them and then to go home and interact with them, be intimate with them, spend time with them and engage in family activities, all while successfully hiding an affair.

 

There is something off about someone who can be that dishonest, and some just can't do it. The guilt weighs too heavily on them.

[cocorico]

So your husband's first marriage started out as an affair as well?

 

Yes. He was a kid at the time, typical KISA crap. Always trying to help, wanting to make everything great for everyone, completely unselfish. She thought that wonderful, at the time. He was going to save her from her horrid life, her awful parents, her boring husband, her "oppressive" marriage. Her little toyboy that would do her bidding and fix that broken world that just didn't "get" her.

 

Which, in the end, was "you're so naive, always trying to make everything so nice for everyone else, your concerns are always out there with other people. If you weren't so busy trying to fix the world, trying to be Mr Wonderful, maybe you'd spend more time looking at yourself, no one could love you, you're just this silly overgrown kid who's trying too hard to be liked. Who could possibly love that?"

[cocorico]

I think your post contains a lot of "truisms". I agree with them whole heartedly. The exception is when you suggest, because you don't come right out and say it, that those people who "are in love with being in love" is the source of the infidelity issues. I think that in some this may account for certain types of serial cheats - and by this I mean someone who falls in love, settles, gets anxious finds a new fresh love, splits, settles, gets itchy, finds another... makes sense your suggestion.

 

But I don't think these "heady" types can come close to explaining marriages, like my own, like a dozen currently being discussed in LS, that have 10, 15 20 years behind them. I'd say that if you have survived 20 years happily with the same person without an itch, your issue is perhaps that your personal resources to stay committed to anyone for a very long period have exhausted themselves and a new set of resources are required to keep things moving as they ought to.

 

Although a BS myself, I cannot see how the chatter about vows, wedding days, once a cheater always a cheater, if she loved you she wouldn't cheat, wanting strange, probably done it before, how any of these conjectures help a BS who has truly lived blissfully, given the circumstances, with a life partner for 15 plus years, can accept reducing the infidelity to such distortions.

 

If we are to accept that someone Comes into a marriage with a "character flaw" and we are going to point our finger at that flaw as the source of the archilles heal in them, how do we explain the 20 years of dedicated married life? Even 10 years?

 

If my character flaw is how I process conflict in my marriage, how on earth do I mange to stay faithful for 10 years, when I have my youth, and then suddenly I process a rupture in the marriage as a signal to go out and cheat. I simply do not see marriages so superficially.

 

My H and his xBW were together for more than 30 years. He was completely faithful throughout that time, despite everything.

 

It's possible that the xBW had "other interests" (having been unfaithful to her first H, she must also have this "character flaw", after all....) and so her attention was elsewhere and she didn't spot the "character flaw" in H. For more than 30 years.

 

Or she was in denial - just like he sustained denial about the true nature of their R for all that time. Until he left her, divorced her, rmarried another, refused xBW's continued entreaties to come back to her.... Then the denial cleared?

 

Or perhaps her own "cheater's character flaw" led her to recognise him as a kindred spirit in his spotty youth, someone who shared her values of pissing on the oppressive institution of marriage, someone she could mould into her own image while retaining his undying loyalty... Until the irony of that position became apparent?

 

Or perhaps he really was just a guy trying to do his best, putting his family first for decades until the abuse and drunkenness exploded in a horrible physical attack that left the kids terrified, spawning their first split - and introducing him to the reality of Life Outside The Marriage: freedom from daily humiliation and torment, autonomy, happiness, hope. And then the collapse of that hope as she begged him to take her back, promising the world, and him relenting because of how badly the kids were taking it all. And then her breaking every single promise. Everything becoming at least as bad as it used to be. She being happy, seeing no need for change. He becoming clinically depressed, needing medical intervention, feeling trapped. The kids still too traumatised to withstand another split. And then... hope, in the form of an A.

 

I guess there are many ways to look at it. What your identity is invested in believing will shape the view you prefer to take.

[cocorico]

While it's true that everyone compartmentalizes their different aspect of their life to a certain extent, affairs have a quality about them that puts them into a separate category.

 

It's the lying.

 

While you may not tell your wife everything about your workday, should she ask, you could tell her. you do not have to worry about her finding out about things that go on at work that could hurt her if she found out, and you don't intentionally hide things from her or go behind her back.

 

 

Perhaps that's true in many, or even most, marriages, but not in all. My H certainly never discussed his work, his interests, his hobbies, or his social life with his xW, nor did she with him. He did worry about her finding out about things, because she would use that as yet another springboard to criticise or humiliate him - she would claim to be hurt if he got promoted at work, because his promotion "came at her expense", when she was the one who "really deserved recognition". If he had a good day, it was because everyone at work hated her, and got back at her by making things go well for him, etc. if he saw a good movie with a friend, it was because he had **** taste - in friends, in movies - and so he couldn't recognise what a waste time f time and money it had been. If he mentioned anyone's name - friend or colleague - he would just be inviting her to lecture him on everything that was wrong with that person, and how he was such a good for nothing he could never expect any quality friends or colleagues. So no, his whole life was hidden from her.

 

And while that might seem extreme, it's not all that different from the kind of relationship my own parents had. My father never spoke a word about his day at work, nor my mother about her day at home. Their conversations - such as they were - were about what was for supper, or needing a new appliance, or one of the kids getting into trouble at school. If my mother had asked, he'd have had to lie - how could you tell your W that you were glad of the sanity that your work hours provided, the escape from the domestic sphere that so oppressed you?

 

Perhaps real life for many is like an American soap, where "hi honey I'm home" is met with eager questions about his day at work, and they lay the table together and bond over the evening meal... But for many others, that's far from the reality of alienated lives and quiet desperation.

[Furious]

I think your post contains a lot of "truisms". I agree with them whole heartedly. The exception is when you suggest, because you don't come right out and say it, that those people who "are in love with being in love" is the source of the infidelity issues. I think that in some this may account for certain types of serial cheats - and by this I mean someone who falls in love, settles, gets anxious finds a new fresh love, splits, settles, gets itchy, finds another... makes sense your suggestion.

 

But I don't think these "heady" types can come close to explaining marriages, like my own, like a dozen currently being discussed in LS, that have 10, 15 20 years behind them. I'd say that if you have survived 20 years happily with the same person without an itch, your issue is perhaps that your personal resources to stay committed to anyone for a very long period have exhausted themselves and a new set of resources are required to keep things moving as they ought to.

 

Although a BS myself, I cannot see how the chatter about vows, wedding days, once a cheater always a cheater, if she loved you she wouldn't cheat, wanting strange, probably done it before, how any of these conjectures help a BS who has truly lived blissfully, given the circumstances, with a life partner for 15 plus years, can accept reducing the infidelity to such distortions.

 

If we are to accept that someone Comes into a marriage with a "character flaw" and we are going to point our finger at that flaw as the source of the archilles heal in them, how do we explain the 20 years of dedicated married life? Even 10 years?

 

If my character flaw is how I process conflict in my marriage, how on earth do I mange to stay faithful for 10 years, when I have my youth, and then suddenly I process a rupture in the marriage as a signal to go out and cheat. I simply do not see marriages so superficially.

 

Fellini you seem to projecting and putting words in my mouth.

 

Gently....

 

Your wife was once an OW before you, you've written about how she wanted a child and you were hesitant because you already had another child from a previous relationship. Yet, you agreed to have another baby, and adore her. Your wife wanted marriage but you were content with being common law, and you yet again you married her. You were content to rent, but your wife wanted home ownership, and once again you gave her her wish. In one of your posts past posts you wrote about how she told you she didn't like coming home and that being a parent for her was not enough and she wanted to concentrate on her career, which left you are the primary parent while she did this. instead of appreciating you she embarked in affair with a work colleague.

 

I have to say the character flaws in her were always there. Sorry...

 

I believe that actions are older than words.

[truncated]

Perhaps that's true in many, or even most, marriages, but not in all. My H certainly never discussed his work, his interests, his hobbies, or his social life with his xW, nor did she with him. He did worry about her finding out about things, because she would use that as yet another springboard to criticise or humiliate him - she would claim to be hurt if he got promoted at work, because his promotion "came at her expense", when she was the one who "really deserved recognition". If he had a good day, it was because everyone at work hated her, and got back at her by making things go well for him, etc. if he saw a good movie with a friend, it was because he had **** taste - in friends, in movies - and so he couldn't recognise what a waste time f time and money it had been. If he mentioned anyone's name - friend or colleague - he would just be inviting her to lecture him on everything that was wrong with that person, and how he was such a good for nothing he could never expect any quality friends or colleagues. So no, his whole life was hidden from her.

 

And while that might seem extreme, it's not all that different from the kind of relationship my own parents had. My father never spoke a word about his day at work, nor my mother about her day at home. Their conversations - such as they were - were about what was for supper, or needing a new appliance, or one of the kids getting into trouble at school. If my mother had asked, he'd have had to lie - how could you tell your W that you were glad of the sanity that your work hours provided, the escape from the domestic sphere that so oppressed you?

 

Perhaps real life for many is like an American soap, where "hi honey I'm home" is met with eager questions about his day at work, and they lay the table together and bond over the evening meal... But for many others, that's far from the reality of alienated lives and quiet desperation.

 

 

In your own post you speak to the "brokenness" of someone who can compartmentalize to such an extent, whatever the cause of this might be.

By your own admission, your current spouse was a broken individual up until the time he met you and left his wife.

[merrmeade]

Approximately 50% of males and and 50% of females have been found in studies to cheat at least once in their marriages, do they all have character flaws?

Hmmm. So what's your point? If half the population does it, it has become a social norm? You haven't defined what you understand by "character flaw."

 

So much unanswered background with this statistic and question. The fact (assuming these studies are valid) that half the population cheats = a cultural phenomenon. Is the question of character or personality disorder in a psychological, behavioral or ethical context?

Edited April 30, 2015 by merrmeade

[merrmeade]

During our A, my H "lied by omission" to the BS, behaving as she had trained him to over the years. He discussed in IC the difficulties and struggles entailed in that, and gained insights that helped him to break free.

 

Once he'd left the M, he reverted to his normal self - as attested by his family and friends - and shook off the persona he'd been forced to adopt during the M.

 

Had he been "evil all along", willingly allowing his young mind to be warped into submission by the scheming BS by initially agreeing to become her AP and later "betraying" her as WS? Or was he simply naive, caught up in a dynamic that progressively hurtled him toward a situation from which there was no bloodless escape? Does it even really matter?

 

What mattered *to him* is that he allowed his life to follow a trajectory over which he felt he had less and less control, in which he felt increasingly trapped, within which he felt increasingly less agency. What mattered *to him* was how and why he allowed that to happen, despite his better judgment. What mattered *to him* was how to "fix" it and prevent it from happening again. Hence the time and energy he committed to IC, and the continued commitment to doing things differently in our R.

You only know what went on between them from what he told you, just as she only knew anything about him from what he chose to let her see. Therefore, without corroboration, your 'report' and assessment of their relationship is unreliable.

[davidromero43]

My wife was so cool. She let me hang out with my friends and play pool every weekend. She would pop into the bar and check on us from time to time. My other married friends would say their wives would never let them hang out at the bar all weekend. I had the coolest wife ever. And then I found out while I was playing pool with my friends, she was banging other men. No wonder she didn't care if I stayed out till midnight playing pool. She would say "As long as you are not cheating on me, have fun with your friends.".