How to trust someone again?

[WhereDoIGoNow]

Hi guys,

 

I have lurked this forum since the breakup of my five-year live-in relationship, which was a month ago, but I am now at a point where I can no longer resist the urge to post.

 

I am in a very bad place at the moment despite trying absolutely everything that has been suggested to me... I have been working out like mad, meeting friends all the time, seeing two therapists, but I feel worse and worse as time passes. Should it not be the other way around?

 

So, I would really appreciate if you would listen to my story and give me any sort of feedback - anything would be appreciated.

 

We met by chance, online, in 2009. We were both in relationships back then. I was 21, and she was 22. She broke off her relationship in October that year, and I moved out from my live-in girlfriend in May next year, after she cheated on me.

 

After that, we kept chatting, saw each other a few times, and it clicked. As is usually the case, everything was perfect in the first year - we both agreed that it was all we every dreamed of and that it was the best relationship either of us had by that point. We made each other laugh, spent a lot of time together, the sex was mind-blowing, everything was great...

 

I will write about what happened in the meantime a bit later.

 

We started living together in summer of 2011, and I had no idea that we had any major problems until a month and a half ago. It actually all started by chance. I was reading an article about how happy couples had sex 11 times per month, and, because we were a bit below that average, I jokingly asked her if we were a happy couple, to which she responded... "Well, we try to be".

 

Fast forward 15 minutes, and she is crying because "You are the best person ever, and do not deserve this".

 

Fast forward a couple of hours, and I find out that she loves me deeply, but as a brother and not as a lover, that she is still not past the "dark times" and that she wants to go back to her parents for a couple of weeks to try to reset.

 

I was stunned with what I heard, but I know well that, when such words are said, not many couples manage to recover. I was shocked but, on the other hand, we had different life goals (I want kids, and she does not), and I feel that I have been fighting far too hard for the thing to work, so I think to myself that it would not be the worst thing if she left. The next seven days were a mixture of me trying to save things and acting like a prick and, next Saturday, she tells me a whole load of crap about how our relationship was dysfunctional from the get-go, and that she sees no point in trying to save it. So that was that. We saw each other the next day and the day after, and she looked like having second thoughts and said that she thought that we might get back together if this "break" works well but, only two days later, she says that she has been talking to a lot of older women, and that they all regret not dumping "men like me" when they were still young.

 

Now, this "men like me" and the "darkness" from earlier in the post refer to my reactions to several difficult life events that I had during our time together. To be more specific:

 

- In 2011, I was unable to continue with Forex trading, as my country made it illegal. I earned 6x the national average wage of my country (I live in Serbia, the average wage is low lol) doing that, but had to go back to college after the ban. I was really bummed out for around two months after that.

- In 2012, my father stole the majority of my life savings. I had almost enough money to buy an apartment of my own, but was left with just enough money to buy a Playstation and a new computer after he left. Took me 3-4 months to recover.

- In 2013, I started trying to find job as a programmer, but did not have much initial success. The unemployment rate is through the roof, and I started fearing that I would never find a job. I was bummed out for about a month after being rejected by three potential employers.

- In 2014, I lost my 4-year-old dog to a freak illness, as well as my grandmother, in a short space of time. Those were my first contacts with death, and I was really bummed out for around a month due to these events.

 

Now, because she asked me to, I've seen psychologists and psychiatrists and they all agreed that nothing is wrong with me and that I had normal reactions to horrible life events.

 

However, she has a lot of experience with therapy due to her own issues, and claims that I certainly have a personality disorder, and that, by staying with me, she runs the risk of ruining her life long term.

 

On one hand, I am pleased as now I at least have some chance of having children. However, it is not easy to find someone at my age - I know that 27 is nothing in the US, but divorce rates are very low here and people marry younger. All of my close friends, for example, are either married or are in long-term relationships.

 

On the other hand, I am absolutely in awe in how someone can do what she did and simply break all contact with the person was her best friend of years. I feel particularly down when thinking about all the things I have done for her without asking or expecting anything in return, and how little they now seem to mean to her.

 

The most important of these things are:

 

- I was the only person who supporter her decision to not pursue a "normal" career and try starting a dancing school. Her school was not a big success, but she loves doing it, and it is enough for her to make a decent living by Serbian standards. She always kept saying that she would have never had the guts to do it without my support (emotional and financial)

- I persuaded our landlord to allow us to get a dog and paid for him. He is three now, and I love him to bits, but will never see him again. Apparently, for some reason, she considers him to be her dog and took him. We then agreed to share him but, after thinking it over, I realized that its impossible for us to keep seeing each other for 15 more years just to exchange the dogs, so I gave up on that idea.

- I feel like crying when thinking about the amount of money I have spent on buying her expensive gifts, travels, etc. I always had far more money then her, and spent most of my income on her to be happy.

- I cannot remember if there was a single disagreement during our five years that ended without me having to admit that I was wrong, no matter how strong my arguments were.

- I always listened to her when she talked, gave her a lot of attention, and did just about anything she ever wanted me to, as stupid as it might have been. For example, she once asked me to start holding doors open for her to pass through, and I had been doing that between that moment and the breakup. Whatever she wanted that I could provide, I provided to her.

 

So, after all that, after investing my heart, soul and all of my available income into that relationship, I get thrown out like a piece of garbage.

 

The only thing that keeps me sane is that that is very much what happened to her previous ex... He proposed to her, she accepted, he got the job of his dreams, he was hoping to move out soon and then one day she called him for a drink and BAM... Ended it out of the blue. They have not spoke since.

 

I know that many people will think that there is a third person, but I do not think that is true simply due to the fact that I know what happened after she broke up wit her previous ex. Was alone for months - until she met me, that is. She never believed in rebound relationships.

 

But whether or not she has someone really makes no difference to me in this situation.

 

Please have in mind that I have probably started grieving the relationship long before it was over because she started to change a lot in the last year and started becoming more and more selfish: neglecting housework, talking mostly about the Master's course she enrolled in (it's a psychology course, by the way), and seemingly completely disinterested in the future we had planned for ourselves, including kids and family. It was only last year that I learned that she definitely does not want kids.

 

So, I am not really grieving not having her anymore, what I am grieving are the time I wasted on her and the damage that has been done to my soul by this experience.

 

Basically, if I had to ask one question, it would be: How the F do I go on from here? Even if I manage to meet someone that I will like, how can I trust her? Can people really regain their belief in the opposite sex after such experience? Will I ever be whole again?

 

And what the **** did I do to cause this? I know that people fall out of love all the time, but:

 

1. Is that really a god reason to end a long-term commitment? Surely it is unrealistic to expect to be in love for 50 years. I have fallen out of love with her a long time ago, but never saw it as a reason to call it quicks. My mum always says that marriages are started on being in love, but are sustained on respect and friendship. And that's what I believe in.

2. Is this falling out of love thing completely random? Because I have no idea what I could have done better, and people constantly kept telling me (before the breakup) how I am one of the few that still treat their girls like princesses so much down the road in a relationship. What could have I done better, I will never know.

 

TL;DR : Did everything I could for GF, she left, loves me but not in love, thinks I'm mad, took my dog and tons of stuff I bought her over the years and never looked back.

 

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Feeling very low, and need advice and support from people who have been through similar things in the past. I honestly hope I will forget the way I have felt in the last 30 days, because there is nothing in the world that will make me risk feeling like this again.

Edited April 22, 2015 by WhereDoIGoNow

[No Limit]

"Love you but not in love with you" is typical cheater textbook. Honestly, it's almost funny to see how you checked yourself over and over for flaws when all the flaws were on her. She emotionally cheated on her last boyfriend with you - if she ever physically cheated on him we'll never know, but it wouldn't be h of a surprise - so you were, at best, a long-term rebound relationship. Serial monogamy goes nowhere as you've experienced.

 

Again, just in case my post isn't clear enough - there's nothing wrong with YOU, it's SHE who has issues she never dealt with and likely will never do because it's that much easier to continue a life of illusions. Perhaps you just fell for a commitment phobe. It matters little, but I hope you will pick your partner much more carefully before investing in her. A word of advice - the ones who are already taken and act like this outside of their relationship are NEVER a good pick. Better luck next time; and no, the "blind trust" will likely never return. But while you might be alarmed about it in my opinion it's far better to learn this lesson before marriage and children.

[DivorcedDad123]

The truth is, she used you for her personal gain,just as your father did. This is your "normal",so you missed the red flags. Your therapists are wrong though,I think. You have issues,but not the bad kind,like a personality disorder probably. More like codependancy.

 

However, she has a lot of experience with therapy due to her own issues, and claims that I certainly have a personality disorder

 

The above is probably projection. She may be diagnosed with a personality disorder herself and is projecting that onto you.

 

Whatever she wanted that I could provide, I provided to her

 

That's a problem.You don't know how to say "nope!" It causes resentment for you,because you did all of these things and she didn't appreciate it. I'll bet you probably have a hard time telling anyone "no" when they need something. It's not terrible,but you need to learn how to put yourself and your well being first.

You'll come out of this just fine. You're already reflecting on things. Think of the red flags you should have seen. I bet there were many that you turned a blind eye to. And, yes you'll learn to trust again. When you learn to notice those red flags and instill boundaries.

[WhereDoIGoNow]

The truth is, she used you for her personal gain,just as your father did. This is your "normal",so you missed the red flags. Your therapists are wrong though,I think. You have issues,but not the bad kind,like a personality disorder probably. More like codependancy.

 

I actually wholeheartedly agree with this.

 

When I said "nothing is wrong with me", I was talking about the big things, such as depression, anxiety and personality disorders, because I had screenings for such things, and both therapists agreed I have none of those things.

 

However, my long-term therapy is just getting underway, and I am certain that, along the way, I will find out why I act like this. In my previous session, I used a sentence along the lines of:"

 

"I am effing tired of being a human doormat", so I'm pretty sure that this has been picked up on my therapist and will eventually lead us somewhere...

 

When it comes to feeling resentment, it actually is not what I feel. Not consciously, at least. My main feeling at the moment is one of anger with myself for being so stupid.

 

Why am I angry?

 

Well, the girl I lived with before my previous ex had a habit of cheating, usually in the first six months of a relationship. She did not cheat on me that soon, but eventually did.

 

My previous ex, as I have written, has a habit of breaking up out of the blue. I managed to last five years, but she eventually did it to me as well.

 

The reason for my anger is that I believe that, on some level, I knew that my relationships with these two women can work only if I manage to change them. But I now know it is not possible - no matter how well you treat someone, they will eventually go back to being who they really are.

 

It is the way of the world, and how stupid was I for not seeing that simple truth.

[ArtIsMyThing]

Sounds like you are seeing red flags in the beginning and maybe going down the line of thinking that a. it will be different for you or b. your love blocked those red flags.

 

As for your question about how do you trust anyone again

 

I think its more important to trust yourself. Trust that you can enter a relationship and be ok if it does not work out - if you dont trust yourself then there is not trusting others

[GoBlue]

So, I am not really grieving not having her anymore, what I am grieving are the time I wasted on her and the damage that has been done to my soul by this experience...Basically, if I had to ask one question, it would be: How the F do I go on from here? Even if I manage to meet someone that I will like, how can I trust her? Can people really regain their belief in the opposite sex after such experience? Will I ever be whole again?...And what the **** did I do to cause this?

 

I am sorry "WhereDoIGoNow" for your current situation. I know that it is tough and your heart feels as though you will never recover - right now - but you will in time. I am having a hard time, however, working my head around this whole idea that you are not "grieving not having her" but "the time I wasted on her." Really? You probably don't want any future girlfriends to read that. If there is damage to your soul than I would say you need to take a step back and review what on earth is going on inside of yourself. You make it sound as though she had some evil plan to waste your time and ruin your life. I hardly doubt that anyone spends five years with another person just to waste time.

 

The truth of the matter is that most people go through a break-up of some kind before finding the person they WANT to commit to. You said it yourself, the two of you didn't even have the same life goals. Where did you think this was going? I have more information for you, couples who co-habitate before marriage have higher divorce rates, more cases of domestic abuse, and lower levels of marital satisfaction. There is always a toll to pay when you rush into sexual intimacy and live together so quickly. True intimacy follows slower and more predictable patterns (this is how you get to know one another and decide whether it is a relationship of love that will stand the test of time).

 

I know that there are examples of marriages that fell apart even after doing everything the right way. The only person you can control is yourself and choosing to be angry at her for "wasting your time" is a waste of energy. After all, you stayed for five years knowing she didn't even want the same things that you wanted. The pain you feel is real, I understand that, and it is necessary to work through your grief. Hopefully, this will be something that you grow from and you will not become bitter. There are good days ahead and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

[WhereDoIGoNow]

I am sorry "WhereDoIGoNow" for your current situation. I know that it is tough and your heart feels as though you will never recover - right now - but you will in time. I am having a hard time, however, working my head around this whole idea that you are not "grieving not having her" but "the time I wasted on her." Really? You probably don't want any future girlfriends to read that. If there is damage to your soul than I would say you need to take a step back and review what on earth is going on inside of yourself. You make it sound as though she had some evil plan to waste your time and ruin your life. I hardly doubt that anyone spends five years with another person just to waste time.

 

Thanks for your feedback.

 

The reason why I am grieving time wasted more than her departure is that I had no idea that we had different life goals until recently. She has known that she did not want kids for a long time, but only decided to let me know about that around 6 months ago. Had she told me, for example, three years ago, we would have broken up then, as there is no way I would have stayed with someone who does not want kids. That is the reason why I am grieving the lost time.

 

There are also several other things about her that I had no idea about until shortly before the break up and, for this reason, it is clear to me that there is a big gap between who I thought she is and who she really is.

 

By the way, I never thought that she had any sort of plan to trick me - and am sorry if that is how my post came across.

 

I agree with the remainder of your post, and these are all things that I will have in mind with my future girlfriends - providing that there will be any future girlfriends, of course.

Edited April 23, 2015 by WhereDoIGoNow