oy, what is going on??

[this_is_terrible]

Well, it looks like it's getting down to the wire in my relationship, and since I've been lurking so long, it's time I contributed something ...

 

My story in brief: married 10 years, 1 son, myself and my wife are both professionals - she is from (multiply!) divorced parents who went thru a really nasty divorce & custody battle, my parents are still married after 31 years.

 

I found out that she was ready to leave mid-January - the conversation turned to our sex life, and quickly got ugly as she told me all these horrible feelings she's had - as the days and weeks went by, what she was telling me became worse and worse, going from "you're gross and fat" to "...and we need a divorce." I snooped, couldn't help it, and found she had been conducting what seemed to be (at least) a pretty intense online affair with some guy; we had a couple of conversations (that quickly became fights) that basically consisted of her saying, "there's nothing to discuss," but she finally "admitted" that she had met him once for lunch, exchanged several emails, and called it quits in late January. Except that a few days ago, I was looking for an extra car key, and found a prepaid cell phone I didn't know she had - when I looked at the recent calls, guess whose number was there? ....

 

So, this morning and today have been pretty harrowing - next to the phone, I found an attorney's card - we have been seeing a counsellor (who I find rather undistinguished), and we have both stated that we won't get "lawyered up" until there seems to be absolutely no chance; she keeps saying things like, "we are getting divorced," but she also stays, insists she *hasn't* seen a lawyer, and continues to go to therapy (tho' I increasingly suspect it's for her own purposes)

 

anyway, what is the feeling from you guys? - I really want to save this, but how to deal with the facts that you don't know? - how do I find out the truth, without seeming pushy, controlling, and domineering? (all of which are the most frequent terms she uses to describe me)

 

actually, it *is* good to vent - I just hope she isn't reading it

[Owl]

Well, your wife is obviously having an online emotional, if not already physical affair with someone. As soon as that started, she began to 're-write history' in her mind about your marriage. Basically, its how she justifies her own bad behaviour in her mind, by choosing to remember everything as far more horrible than it really is. Sadly, she's going to stay in that boat until she finally breaks everything off with her OM...completely.

 

Don't underestimate the power of the internet...it lets her create her own 'fantasy' of what she'll have when she's finally 'with' her OM...fighting a fantasy is a LOT harder than fighting reality.

 

It sounds to me like she's what they call a 'cake eater'...because she's wanting YOU to do the filing. Why else would she make your life miserable by saying and doing what she has, and then leaving the card by the phone for you.

 

Basically, you've got one of two options at this point, if you want to reconcile the marriage. You can do what MB calls "plan A"...which means to meet her emotional needs to the best of your ability, and to fix your half of the marriage so that she begins to see what she's 'giving up' so to speak...it also suggests that you work on yourself overall...this will help YOU out a lot in the end.

 

If that fails, or if you feel it's already doomed to failure, your other option is plan B. Tell her that you're done with her behaviour, and that in order for you to stand a chance down the road, she'll have to get completely out of your life. Move out, and NO CONTACT with you AT ALL. The basis for this is pretty straightforward...right now, you're meeting part of her needs, and so is her OM. With you out of the picture, that means HE has to meet ALL of her needs...which is something that their little fantasy really isn't capable of supporting (at least in most cases). When things start to sour between them, she'll begin start thinking again...and she'll realize that she didn't have it that bad to begin with.

 

No plan is garaunteed...all you can do is your part in things, and pray. Hang in there friend. Check out the marriagebuilders.com website for more info.