Having issues with an old friend

[manders_01]

Everyone who I have already discussed this with cannot figure out her behavior...

 

I have know "Cybil" for 20+ years. I consider her one of my closest friends and spend a lot of time with her. We have never really done any serious fighting. She is divorced and it was a bit messy. She married young to get out of her parents house and then after 5 years they both realized that it wasn't working. She is now living with her ex-husband's best friend (for almost two years now). She said nothing happened prior to filing for the divorce and I believe her. They are currently having issues (again). I don't know if she's creating a problem in my relationship to avoid talking about hers or what.

 

I have been dating someone for a month now. "Riley" is going to file/has filed for divorce from his wife of 30+ years. He is a farmer and has been planting for the past few weeks so I am not positive that he has filed. I don't care whether he does or doesn't. To me (and as I stated in another post) once you live in separate places (in his case, he lives in his house - his because it used to be his parents - and she bought a house aprox. 40 minutes away), you are leading separate lives. All they have is a legally binding contract between each other - which means very little to he & I's relationship this early.

 

I found out after Riley and I started dating that we know each other through many different people. Whether they are "more" my friends or his, all have said what I good guy he is. He has told people of the separation and impending divorce. He discussed the divorce in front of myself and his son so it's not something that is a big secret.

 

Cybil has a major problem with Riley not having filed for divorce yet. I have asked her point blank why and have not gotten any sort of response. Saturday night, a portion of our conversation went like this - Cybil asked if I had talked to Riley lately and I told her we talked on Tuesday night. Immediately she's like, "Did he file yet?" I said I didn't know, it sounded like it but we didn't get a chance to talk about it. She's like, "I would have asked right away." I just reminded her that I really don't care if he ever gets divorced. She capped it off with, "Well I would want to know right away."

 

Another conversation that is bothersome to me (that occurred last Monday night) - We were discussing Riley and she asked if he had filed, I had said I didn't think so because he wanted to talk to "Betty" before he files as to not blindside her. They are being civil so there's no reason not to and it will probably help with things down the road. Cybil's like, "No, he should just send the papers. She'll still be angry." What I really wanted to say was, "Well, some people have respect for their soon-to-be ex-spouses and wouldn't just drop divorce papers in their lap!" (like she did) but instead I said, "I can guarantee you that I would be a lot less of a bitch if I knew beforehand that my husband wanted a divorce instead of just serving me with papers!"

 

Having an affair with a married man would not be something I would do (not that I've grown up - I have had two emotional affairs with MM, many years ago), and if I thought for one minute that I was with a married man, especially in my very small and likely to gossip town, I would not continue it. Riley is not what I would consider married. Legally yes, until the judge actually makes the ruling he is still married. But my view on divorce (and just went through this with my ex so it's not like I've never dated a divorcing man before - which she also seems to forget) is that once they part ways, they are two separate people with separate lives.

 

I know that one or two more encounters like this and I am going to blow. I love her dearly and wouldn't want to lose her but it seems that I cannot rationally deal with this. From what I have said, does anyone see what might be driving this incessant need to make sure that Riley has filed? Yes, I understand that she is my friend and she cares about me. But this seem much deeper than that - especially since none of my other friends - or my older sister - is having such a coniption fit about it.

[Merin]

IMO Your Friend is trying to look out for you...

 

While it may be annoying and not something you want to talk with her about... again IMO she is just concerned about you and doesn't want you to be hurt.

 

Perhaps because of her own experience she has concern.. although now she says that she got divorced because of whatever reasons... make no mistake about it divorce is a hard deal and most people do question from time to time if they are doing the right thing know what I mean?

 

Last thing here.. Riley is living in a different house than his spouse and so I guess my question (and probably why your friend keeps asking) is how would his filing for divorce "blindside" his Wife? IF Riley is moving on (and from what you've said he is) he is living in a seperate residence and obviously has started a new relationship (with you) then I guess I can't see how his Wife would be shocked or blindsided in anyway to recieve divorce papers...

 

UNLESS... He (Riley) has given his Wife some indication that perhaps there is a chance for reconciliation....

 

(Probably what your friends thinking is)

 

So with that said... I guess you're good to go with the status quo at this point in your relationship with this Guy... so if you don't want your friend to talk with you about the status of Rileys marriage and/or divorce would be to tell her "Ya know what... thank you for caring about me I love ya for that... but for now I'm set with the way things are between he and I and I would rather not discuss that part of my relationship with him"

 

Good Luck

[moimeme]

Some people think that not filing for divorce means people want to remain attached. In many cases, it's laziness or procrastination. I didn't file for several years after we separated. There just wasn't a rush and the timing would have been awkward due to jointly-owned mortgages. We eventually sorted it all out, but there was never a thought of getting back together. Just fiscally and timewise, it was more convenient to wait.

[manders_01]

The main reason Riley thought his wife would be blindsided is because her parents separated after many years of marriage. They moved into separate houses for a few years and then "reconciled". However, the reconcilation wasn't really that - they basically moved back in with each other but never truly had a marriage again. As Riley put it, "They were miserable for the rest of their lives and I will not live my life like that." Riley thinks that Betty thinks that is what will happen with them.

 

However, I do know that she now knows it's coming. I spoke with him earlier this week and he has told her. I know he has not filed (as of the last time we talked) because he said he had to go meet with several lawyers. I assume that the meetings will involve their property issues as all of their kids are over 18.

 

I realize her concern for me - no doubt. But she has taken it well over the top. And that's my issue. What is this incessant need to know whether he's filed or not when I have stated numerous times that I don't care either way? If the roles were reversed and I felt about this the way she did, when she said she didn't care, I would voice my opinion but I wouldn't continue to make it an issue once she had made it clear that it wasn't an issue for her.

 

Our mutual friend Jamie and I had a discussion about this the other night. She knows Riley's kids well and her mother has been friends with Riley for years. One of Jamie's main gripes about Cybil is that she is making all these judgements about someone she doesn't know. She has also stated her concern about me getting hurt (naturally, I would believe any friend would be supportive yet cautious for a friend when starting a new relationship). But she too feels that Cybil has went well over the top with her "concern".

 

Thanks for the input - it does help - even if I still don't understand what is up here a@#.