Are these good signs my ex may still be in love with me? your thoughts??

[ZiggyZoo]

OK, brah, I'll answer the third post you're making on the exact same situation. My views on the matter haven't changed however. She's hanging out with you because you're comfortable and familiar and not bad company. But as far as you two getting back together, she's told you that she doesn't love you. And she's still going to Europe, right? It just looks like she's killing time, sorry.

[Anthony90]

OK, brah, I'll answer the third post you're making on the exact same situation. My views on the matter haven't changed however. She's hanging out with you because you're comfortable and familiar and not bad company. But as far as you two getting back together, she's told you that she doesn't love you. And she's still going to Europe, right? It just looks like she's killing time, sorry.

 

i appreciate your advice but what makes you so certain?

[ZiggyZoo]

The lack of any talk of a commitment or relationship. And when you DO ask, she hems and haws and ultimately said she doesn't love you any more.

[Satu]

Its over but she's using you as a nice soft cushion.

[Anthony90]

The lack of any talk of a commitment or relationship. And when you DO ask, she hems and haws and ultimately said she doesn't love you any more.

 

then why does she feel the need to clear the air with me, if i mean nothing why does she need to justify herself and clear the air.

 

also telling someone were taking it slow.

 

also it was all a big secret her seeing me but she told her mother she was out with me, which she would never do a month ago and i said wow you told your mum and she i dont care what she thinks.

[Anthony90]

Its over but she's using you as a nice soft cushion.

 

 

she informed me shes dated in between and has been turned off by the way guys are and would not consider even talking to another guy anymore but wants to keep talking to me.

 

 

am i being blind here?

 

maybe i will just need to go through this and if i get hurt i get hurt.

 

id rather know 100% then leave it to a what if.

[Satu]

You have been invited to a banquet of crumbs.

 

Those crumbs won't nourish you.

[Anthony90]

Its over but she's using you as a nice soft cushion.

 

and i know shes not the type of girl to use. if i was dead to her she wouldnt string me along, or keep me there until someone better comes along.. shes not that type of person.

[NC-Thomas]

why does she need to justify herself and clear the air.

 

Because it helps her sleep at night, for her own peace of mind and relieving any leftover guilt.

[Satu]

and i know shes not the type of girl to use. if i was dead to her she wouldnt string me along, or keep me there until someone better comes along.. shes not that type of person.

 

You're in the denial/bargaining phase.

[Simon Phoenix]

It's the same as it's been in every other thread you've started about this situation. She's contacting you because she can because she knows you don't have the backbone not to respond back. If she actually still loved you and valued you romantically, you wouldn't need to ask anonymous people on a relationship website to decipher her signals. They'd be glaringly obvious. Hell, she'd tell you straight out.

 

She's not doing this and she has no intention of doing this because she doesn't have to. She can have you in any manner she wants because you have no willpower, boundaries, or strength.

[Anthony90]

It's the same as it's been in every other thread you've started about this situation. She's contacting you because she can because she knows you don't have the backbone not to respond back. If she actually still loved you and valued you romantically, you wouldn't need to ask anonymous people on a relationship website to decipher her signals. They'd be glaringly obvious. Hell, she'd tell you straight out.

 

She's not doing this and she has no intention of doing this because she doesn't have to. She can have you in any manner she wants because you have no willpower, boundaries, or strength.

 

 

so what is the right thing to do here?

[fireflywy]

Lay it on the ground. Tell her that you've had a wonderful time, want to make it work, but that you're going to walk if she doesn't meet you outside of the grey area.

 

That's all you can do. I'm sure everyone is telling her, the way WE here tell everyone else "He broke up with you. Take it slow. Be on your guard. Etc etc."

 

Time for you to play your cards son...

[ZiggyZoo]

then why does she feel the need to clear the air with me, if i mean nothing why does she need to justify herself and clear the air.

 

also telling someone were taking it slow.

 

also it was all a big secret her seeing me but she told her mother she was out with me, which she would never do a month ago and i said wow you told your mum and she i dont care what she thinks.

 

She's clearing the air to ease her own guilt, because she knows what leading you on like this is doing to you. This way, she can tell herself that she TOLD you that she wasn't interested, it's your choice to continue hanging out.

 

Why was it a big secret that she was seeing you? If she was happy to be with you, why keep it a secret?

 

And that bit about her dating other guys and being turned off by them, but will hang out with you...that doesn't scream "friendzone" to you? FWBzone, maybe, but still friendzone.

 

You're seeing what you want to see, and coming on here and getting the same advice, and not listening to it. Yours is not a unique situation, and if you choose to ignore others who have been here before you, go right ahead. Perhaps you ARE going to have to go through this and get hurt. I honestly don't see you breaking it off at all, and why would she need to go elsewhere for sex, ego boosting, companionship...?

 

Luckily for you however, a lot of us on here have also gone against very good advice and made bonehead moves because we thought we were the exception. So we can help there too.

[Simon Phoenix]

so what is the right thing to do here?

 

To actually act like you are broken up and let her experience life without you in it completely. What you are doing right now is the worst thing you can be doing short of stalking/begging and pleading. Either way, dumpers weaning themselves off of dumpees like yourself is pretty common (and so is those same dumpees saying "oh, well my ex would never do something like that to me").

[Satu]

so what is the right thing to do here?

 

The foundation stone of mental and emotional health is the acceptance of reality as it is, followed by successful adaptation to that reality.

 

1. Accept that the relationship is over.

 

2. Restructure your life so that it is enjoyable for you as a single person.

[fireflywy]

To actually act like you are broken up and let her experience life without you in it completely. What you are doing right now is the worst thing you can be doing short of stalking/begging and pleading. Either way, dumpers weaning themselves off of dumpees like yourself is pretty common (and so is those same dumpees saying "oh, well my ex would never do something like that to me").

 

Simon, HE'S the dumper I believe.

 

She told you that stuff because she has pent up anger. Tell her that you need to know what you'll be or you'll walk. As for her mother and her hiding the fact that she was seeing you, if you took her for granted, I'm sure they are just being defensive.

 

"Hey, we've been dancing around this for a while. I know you might be angry at all that happened between us and I'm sure that there are other people in your corner that think I'm a jerk for dumping you. You know now, that I've been fighting for you and that I will CONTINUE to do so. This change that you see in me now is permanent if you have doubts. Yes, there will be days when we butt heads, but I won't take you for granted. So if somethings holding you back, be it the opinions of others, I'll face them and prove this to them as well. However, I need you to fight as well. I need you to make a decision because I don't like this area of uncertainty. We BOTH deserve to know the future. I've laid out my path to it, now I need to know yours. If you don't see a path with me, then, as much as it hurts, we have to both move on.

 

Please tell me RIGHT now, what it will be. Will we be together or not?"

 

This letter does a few things:

 

1. Addressess any residual anger she has.

2. Asserts your efforts.

3. Addresses anyone in her corner who is telling her to stay away from you (I'm sure this is happening and playing havoc with her thoughts)

4. Lays it on the table

5. Opens the door to her considering her future without you

6. You get a dam answer out of the grey zone One way or the other.

[Anthony90]

To actually act like you are broken up and let her experience life without you in it completely. What you are doing right now is the worst thing you can be doing short of stalking/begging and pleading. Either way, dumpers weaning themselves off of dumpees like yourself is pretty common (and so is those same dumpees saying "oh, well my ex would never do something like that to me").

 

i appreciate all advice given and thank you, maybe im just insecure and need justification hence why i post on a forum.

 

i also went NC for 3 weeks and she reached out to me, probably means nothing again though.

[fireflywy]

Darn it. That shoudnt be a letter. Meant to say this does a few things.

[Simon Phoenix]

Simon, HE'S the dumper I believe.

 

She told you that stuff because she has pent up anger. Tell her that you need to know what you'll be or you'll walk. As for her mother and her hiding the fact that she was seeing you, if you took her for granted, I'm sure they are just being defensive.

 

"Hey, we've been dancing around this for a while. I know you might be angry at all that happened between us and I'm sure that there are other people in your corner that think I'm a jerk for dumping you. You know now, that I've been fighting for you and that I will CONTINUE to do so. This change that you see in me now is permanent if you have doubts. Yes, there will be days when we butt heads, but I won't take you for granted. So if somethings holding you back, be it the opinions of others, I'll face them and prove this to them as well. However, I need you to fight as well. I need you to make a decision because I don't like this area of uncertainty. We BOTH deserve to know the future. I've laid out my path to it, now I need to know yours. If you don't see a path with me, then, as much as it hurts, we have to both move on.

 

Please tell me RIGHT now, what it will be. Will we be together or not?"

 

This letter does a few things:

 

1. Addressess any residual anger she has.

2. Asserts your efforts.

3. Addresses anyone in her corner who is telling her to stay away from you (I'm sure this is happening and playing havoc with her thoughts)

4. Lays it on the table

5. Opens the door to her considering her future without you

6. You get a dam answer out of the grey zone One way or the other.

 

Meh, they switched roles when he asked for her back. And the hell with letters -- such a passive way of communication. If you are going to go with your approach, do it face to face in person. Letters suck, no offense.

[fireflywy]

I tried to edit what I said. Did it not post?

[fireflywy]

Meh, they switched roles when he asked for her back. And the hell with letters -- such a passive way of communication. If you are going to go with your approach, do it face to face in person. Letters suck, no offense.

 

Yeah. I said that shouldn't be a letter. Post 20. Lol

 

I would do it face to face too. But if he wants an answer, he has to address some of her possible hesitancies. I know that if my ex wanted me back after all that I've been through, my friends would be pissed. Would I still do it in MY situation? No, but if I did, their opinions of dislike would influence me even though at the end of the day its ultimately my decison.

[fireflywy]

He dumped her. After 5 years he broke up with her admitting he took her for granted. I'm sure that was a land mine to her. I'm sure it hurt like hell.

 

 

Now they are back to hanging out, doing things again, and HE says they are better then before. I'm sure she's still shell shocked though and has people in her corner saying either take it slowor get the f away from him he dumped you.

 

I'm sure that creates fear in her mind. "Can I trust him? Will this last? Ive got some pent up anger. If I go back to him completely, am I weak? Will everyone be angry at me and see me as weak?"

 

I COMMEND him for his 180. He's doing what a dumper should do. However, like we all say here, he dumpedn her, he needs to put in good effort. That effort, from my opinion anyway (stress opinion because none of us here are gods lol) may need to make her think about her own hesitancies. When that's done, she'll have a clearer picture of yes or no and so will he.

[quattrob]

and i know shes not the type of girl to use. if i was dead to her she wouldnt string me along, or keep me there until someone better comes along.. shes not that type of person.

 

Then why are you posting your question on here if you're so certain and you know her better than us? If you can't accept or at least see the other side and maybe even consider you might be blind then why bother asking us in the first place? I get it, you're trying to find someone on here to agree with what you already decided is truth.

 

As far as I'm concern, as much as we believe we know everything about someone, people change and especially their feelings, even they themselves don't know it or can't stop it. You hanging around as friend isn't helping her to figure herself out. You're just a cushion for her that she's comfortable with until she's ready to be with someone else besides you.

 

I know no matter what people say, you're still going to believe what you already believe in. I say just go with what you believe and see what happens, if you get hurt and you get proven wrong then at least you can learn from it. Good luck

[Anthony90]

Simon, HE'S the dumper I believe.

 

She told you that stuff because she has pent up anger. Tell her that you need to know what you'll be or you'll walk. As for her mother and her hiding the fact that she was seeing you, if you took her for granted, I'm sure they are just being defensive.

 

"Hey, we've been dancing around this for a while. I know you might be angry at all that happened between us and I'm sure that there are other people in your corner that think I'm a jerk for dumping you. You know now, that I've been fighting for you and that I will CONTINUE to do so. This change that you see in me now is permanent if you have doubts. Yes, there will be days when we butt heads, but I won't take you for granted. So if somethings holding you back, be it the opinions of others, I'll face them and prove this to them as well. However, I need you to fight as well. I need you to make a decision because I don't like this area of uncertainty. We BOTH deserve to know the future. I've laid out my path to it, now I need to know yours. If you don't see a path with me, then, as much as it hurts, we have to both move on.

 

Please tell me RIGHT now, what it will be. Will we be together or not?"

 

This letter does a few things:

 

1. Addressess any residual anger she has.

2. Asserts your efforts.

3. Addresses anyone in her corner who is telling her to stay away from you (I'm sure this is happening and playing havoc with her thoughts)

4. Lays it on the table

5. Opens the door to her considering her future without you

6. You get a dam answer out of the grey zone One way or the other.

 

 

thank you to all replies.

 

wow this really hits home on the situation. you guys are right, im looking for justifcation as to what im doing is the right thing. things seems to be going in a positive manner but there is always doubt in my mind that it will never be again. maybe i am on over anxious person.

 

 

as to what was said above, should i be doing this ASAP or still spend a bit more time with her having fun and showing her how good we are.

 

we have been messaging today and she just said in one of her replies when i said id love to take care of you and look after you while you recover from being sick

 

she replied

 

trust me you have done and look after me enough. you did more then enough actually so thank you so much! (p.s so cute you cooked me dinner the other night) :) good to know your well babes! all i want is to get better and start gym again!! i hate being sick