Husband cheated don't know how to proceed

[RenJen]

Staying together for your daughter would be a mistake. If the 2 of you are unhappy, you should get a lawyer and call it quits. Please don't let him dictate the terms of the divorce.

 

I am not trying to beat you up but I have to ask. From what I read, he cheated on his first wife with a coworker, and got involved with you while you were still married. What made you think he would be faithful to you? He seems to have a pattern.

 

I ask this because as a newly divorced man one of the deal breakers for me while dating is did you cheat on your ex. This thins the herd quite a bit. I wonder if I am being too harsh.

chew123, no please ask away! I wasn't still married to my first husband when my second husband and I became involved. I rounded some of the numbers for simplicities sake. It was very shortly after my divorce had been finalized and my second/current husband I rushed into things. I knew him from before from work, but we were never involved and we only saw each other in passing. But no involvement until my divorce was finalized.

 

Sorry for the confusion!

 

You are absolutely not being harsh and I completely understand where you're coming from. Infidelity is a deal breaker for me and is personally not an option.

 

I was stuck in my first marriage and unhappy from day one. So once that was finalized, I rushed into things with my current husband.

 

I just don't want to overcomplicate things. I don't want a nasty divorce. I just want it to be simple as possible. Unfortunately, get lawyers involved is a necessary evil...

 

I'm also not vindictive or after money and only want what I'm legally entitled to and be able to support myself and my daughters (my eldest still needs help with school sometimes.)

[RenJen]

I am sorry RenJen for your situation. There is nothing pleasant about going through a divorce especially when there is children involved. I have scanned some of the responses and they are about what I expected. It's always easy to tell someone else what they should do when they have no emotional or physical investment whatsoever. I do believe that children are a good enough reason to try and save a marriage but marriage is a relationship that requires two willing participants. Have you consulted with a counselor, Pastor, or some other third party professional for help? Is your husband interested in working on this at all?

 

I value marriage very highly and believe it to be a sacred thing, but living as "partners" or as "roommates" for the sake of your daughter may not be a very healthy alternative for her. She deserves a mother and father who love one another and can show her what that looks like. Unfortunately, neither of you can make this decision for him. There is a great book that I highly recommend called Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis by Dr. James Dobson. It is a very practical book with some very specific advice. It's a great place to start as you consider your next move.

 

Please know that my heart goes out to you. I have been divorced for six years and I still am not over it. I know where there is some free counseling available if you are interested. Send me a private message and I will share it with you. In the meantime, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

GoBlue, I agree with you completely about marriage. That's why I was so determined to be the best person I could be in this marriage as opposed to making all the mistakes I made in the first one.

 

I've talked to pastors in counseling, yes and have gone myself. I brought the idea to my husband. He pretty much flat-out doesn't care about working on his issues. He really only cares about making money, which is good that he's so hardworking, but his emotional well-being or his relationships, family, children, etc. all take second place in his book.

 

He had a "plan" with his other woman. They would wait until HER kids were 18 (they're teenagers now) then she would divorce her husband, he would divorce me, and they would leave and, and these are his words, "ride motorcycles across the country into the sunset together". NO concern for me, his older children, or his youngest who would be around age 13-14 when they planned on doing this! It was almost laughable. It sounded like one of those "I'm running away from home and never coming back!" things kids say when they're young and you grounded them for not doing their chores or something...

 

When I made the other woman's husband aware of the affair, the other woman ended her relationship with my husband because she wanted to protect HER kids. She had no concern for my youngest daughter at all. No sympathy. My husband was heartbroken. He came home with his tail between his legs and wanted to reconcile, but it just kind of fell through. Due to my anger, his not taking any action to change, and still being hung up on this woman and trying to contact her, being angry at me, etc.

 

Thank you for your thoughts, and I wrote down the book you recommended! I will follow up with you as well when I have a chance. Again, thank you.

[RenJen]

Does this timeline indicate your husband became involved with you while you were still married to your ex?

 

If so, his actions can't come as a complete surprise to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

Mr. Lucky, sorry for repeating myself, but I see now how this was confusing. I said just recently that no, I divorced my ex-husband and then quickly became involved with my current husband. I knew him from work in passing but nothing until my divorce was finalized. Sorry for the confusion!

[RenJen]

I just need to stop being a coward and being stagnate. I don't know when it'll happen, sooner than later I know, but still it can't go on like this much longer.

 

You are not a coward hon - fear and uncertainty are two of the hardest emotions to deal with.

ArtIsMyThing, thank you for your replies! You're very kind!

 

Fear and uncertainty are so engrained in us as people due to survival instinct, I think. That's why they're such huge hurdles. I'm trying not to beat myself up and take the time I need, but I started this thread because I feel myself overcoming it, slowly. Very slowly. A lot will change in a very short amount of time, which is terrifying, but I'm coming around to that it can't work out how it's going now.

 

Just need to pick myself up by my bootstraps, I suppose...

[RenJen]

I've only read your opening post so please forgive me if I repeat the thoughts of others.

 

I suffered thru infidelity, a painful attempt at reconciliation, and a subsequent divorce a few years ago. Our kids were 4 and 8 years old at the time.

 

Staying "just" for the sake of the children routinely ends up achieving the opposite effect from what you intend. Kids aren't stupid and pick up on vibes much better than we might expect. What you have to consider is that your marital relationship will serve as the example to her of what a marriage should look like. If there's no real love and intimacy and you live like roommates (even amicable ones, if you're lucky), she's likely to mirror that in her own marriage. Is that what you want for her?

 

Worse yet, you may well set the example that it's acceptable for a woman to have an irrationally workaholic husband that cheats on his wife. This becomes a norm for her.

 

You'll be doing no favors for your daughter by staying and she may even resent that she's to blame for your miserable marriage over the next dozen years. One expression I've learned to believe is that it's better for children to be from a broken home than to be in one. It's also said that it's better for kids to be raised in two happy households rather than one unhappy one.

 

As for other reasons to stay, I firmly believe that the only potential for a couple to reconcile after infidelity is if the wayward spouse is truly remorseful. That, unfortunately, seems highly unlikely in your case. If your husband was going to have learned anything about infidelity, it should have been after he lost his first marriage due to it. Instead, it appears that he quite quickly and successfully moved on to another marriage. He learned that he can do it and essentially get away with it. The proof is in the fact that he's done it again. He's basically learned to be a serial cheater. Is it possible that he learned his lesson this time? I might believe that if he'd had a drunken one-night-stand that was unplanned and voluntarily confessed the next day. Is that what you're dealing with?

 

Even if he were truly remorseful, then you'd also have to be truly forgiving. But that comes second and is a taller order than you might think.

 

So, if you choose divorce, what do you do to best set up your daughter for success? Most data says that routine involvement by both parents is optimal. As well, younger children recover more quickly than older children and kids recover more slowly when one parent is perceived to be at fault. Shared custody (like 50/50) is best. That said, I'm not suggesting that a child be left in conditions that involve a lack of safety, or that include abuse or neglect. But many fathers do learn how to step up when faced with either raising their kid or essentially losing them. I fought for 50/50 and got it and I'm quite good at being a single Dad. Your husband doesn't sound like the type but we're just getting your side of the story. As well, the more you have your daughter, the more your husband would be paying you in child support. He may decide to go for greater custody just to avoid the cost (especially since the money goes to an exwife). Guys get pissed about that (the more they lose the kids, the more they pay). Just something to consider.

 

Anyway, enough rambling from me for now. Curious to hear your thoughts.

BetrayedH, what you say means a lot to me. Thank you so much. I'm also sorry for what you have to suffer through.

 

The past year's events have already affected her, which I feel huge guilt about. I divorced my first husband when my eldest was just starting her teenage years and it was a nightmare, granted it was largely due to my own mistakes, but still she was a volatile teenager and I've seen experiences where younger children have a better time coping.

 

I'm worried for my youngest learning bad relationship images as well, like you said. My eldest (early 20s) is going through a rough break up with her longterm boyfriend and she's told me a lot about it and I see so much of her in me, that the paranoid parent in me fears that she learned from me and my first husband's unhappy co-habitation.

 

I highly doubt he's truly remorseful. He did this exact same thing with his first wife and it was almost the exact same circumstances, just 15 years or so later: Young children, faithful wife who took on all child caring and all homemaking duties, etc. He had a second chance with me. And he did it again. I think he's more remorseful he got caught. I have no doubt that it would still be going if I hadn't found out.

 

I agree with you about fathers! My first husband was and is an absolutely wonderful father to my eldest. He's always supportive of her, actively involved in her life and interests, spends time with her, and all the rest.

 

However, I doubt my current husband will want custody. He'd rather pay child support. That's what he did in his first marriage. He worked way too much to take care of a younger child and without someone around to clean up after him, cook his meals, do his laundry, etc. he's a mess. He's also a bit of a chauvinist. In his first marriage, he had a son and a daughter. He always favored the son and took almost no interest in his daughter's life. Same goes for our youngest. He was disappointed that she was a girl. He loves her, but he's not interested in raising children. Looking back on it, he probably was never father material, and now in his 50s, he hasn't changed.

 

Thank you so much for your reply!

[sandylee1]

 

Guys get pissed about that (the more they lose the kids, the more they pay). Just something to consider.

 

So why continue cheating then, if he doesn't/they don't want to keep paying CS? I know this (cheating ) doesn't apply to you BH.

[Lion Heart]

Gosh RenJen, so much to reply to. (Just glad to be back on LS after a freaking cyclone hit - 2 days after an MC hit my WH with his own cyclone of "this M is over WH).

 

A quick background. I'm a BW for the 2nd time (errrk) so I call myself a serial BW (lol but not funny!). And the icing is that it's my 3rd M.

Though similar situation is that I have a DD from WH No.1 and twin DSs and a DD to THIS MY PRIZE winning WH No 2. I mainly wanted you to know those facts because there really are other people here who are struggling just like you - well in a similar sense to you.

 

I'll just try to pick up some things to elaborate on in your thread.

 

Firstly, you are reticent to seek legal advice. Seeking advice is not the biggy. ACTING on it is. I think I get why you're holding back, more on that in the next point. But if you are scared for want of a better word, have a support person accompany you. Not sure the deal where you are, but here we can have support people assigned to us, to help us cope with the legal wrangles. They're free here to parents. I'm in Australia. Otherwise a friend or family member may want to accompany you and not let you go this alone. You need advice because I can't imagine WHY you'd rip you and your DD off by "giving in" to any of WH demands. If you are entitled to whatever share the law sees fit, then don't allow your low emotions to dictate this. Common legal sense needs to dictate. Allow yourself fair legal counsel.

 

Secondly I think you're NOT seeking advice because this WH appears to be a bully. He's certainly shown chauvinistic tendencies and could have you and your DD "over a barrel" so to speak.

Ofcourse! We all want happy, sunshiny divorces. Yes!

And this has nothing whatsoever to do with "vengeance" or other negative actions. Fairness is the name of the game. And sadly it IS a game to some. EVEN when children are involved and this can also create all sorts of emotive reactions in both parties. I don't think it should be this way but often it just is.

So please don't allow the sexist attitudes of some who overlook child rearing as a bl**dy difficult job. IMHO working outside the home even with 2 jobs, is a complete walk in the park compared with raising children. You definitely deserve 50/50 and in this "egalitarian" law system, BECAUSE you have the child, you get far more than 50/50. It's fortunate that some systems regard children in the share of the assets. After all they too are individuals of the family who need provisions made for.

 

Just because you don't want it to "get messy" means you are in danger of giving in when you shouldn't.

 

Lastly, (and I hope to pop back) is that your thread made me reflect on my own life with my eldest DD. I left her WF when she was 9-10 months old. I started a LTR when she was almost 4yo. It ended but we didn't live together. I met this WH when she was 7yo. The closeness we had from her birth was affected negatively by this M. Anyway what I'm reflecting on is how great our time together actually WAS. I've never been a parent to have my children babysat willy nilly so I spent all or almost all of my spare time with DD. We travelled alot and had a wonderful life together.

 

I guess those really loving memories filled with all sorts of positive emotions as a SP have well and truly outweighed ANY and all of the hard work involved with raising a child on my own, building my career at the same time and buying property on my own. Plus the huge issues I had with BEING a SP because it was (and possibly still is) one of my greatest fears.

I remember so many times being with married friends who were in turbulent Ms and thinking "thank the Lord I'm not living like that! We get to go home to a peaceful, loving home and make our own fun!" And boy did we have fun!

We REALLY rocked! I know that many of my friends were envious of my free and very happy life.

 

Now I'm closer than ever to SP all over again and as sad as it is or has been, I reckon me and the 3 kids are really gonna rock! Sure I'm a lot poorer now but we just came back from a rockin surfing road trip and the kids asked me when we're doing another one.

 

As I just wrote to a friend "hope" can be a "4 letter word" sometimes but hey hope for peace and joy should never be underrated. I've found LS a source of so much knowledge, compassion and unconditional support that I am positive it's helped exponentially in my healing.

 

Best wishes, you know what to do.

Lion Heart.

[RenJen]

Lion Heart, thank you! I'm sorry you had to go through all that, but it is comforting to know I'm not the only person this happened to with TWO cheating husbands. Am I just bad at picking men!?

 

I agree with you completely. Thinking of things to do isn't as scary as actually taking action, which terrifies me as I've always had anxiety issues. Fortunately, in the past few weeks, I've done a lot of thinking and my brother is helping me seek legal council through a lawyer friend of his.

 

My husband honestly believes that child rearing and taking care of a home ISN'T work, but when I went out of town for a week and he watched the children, I cam home to a disaster of a house our daughter hadn't had a bath in a week. He just never got it. Even with his older children.

 

Your relationship with your daughter is wonderful. That's something to be thankful for. I'm extremely fortunate to be close to both my daughters, even after my eldest and I had a somewhat of a falling out during her teenage years. Holding on to happy memories with my children is always good advice, and I will certainly keep it in mind in my journey ahead.

[No Limit]

Got an attorney yet? Sorry but your husband is a total disaster.

[RenJen]

Hey No Limit!

 

You're right, he is a total disaster. I'm taking the steps and my brother is referring me to a lawyer friend of his, so I'm going to a consultation in the next week here. Scary, but necessary.

[TashaTudor]

RenJen, my heart goes out to you.

 

Cheaters tend to repeat themselves. Its their way of handling stuff.

 

I was a stay at home mom for two decades and repeatedly cheated on.

 

Although my children are grown, they are unmarried and live with him. We both decided that it was fair to not uproot them. He kept the house and paid me out.

 

I think you should fight for more than 50%. He cheated. I got well over 50% without a lawyer. We worked it out ourselves and I filed. He just wanted to be with his mistress so badly that he said , "just tell me what you want." Ahhhh, ok!

 

See if you can work on getting more especially if you have the kids.

 

Don't alienate the kids now until you get what you want. Play nice, get as much as you can. Later on you can decide if you still want to punch his cheating face.

 

Good luck to you. I know you are going thru alot, take care of yourself. It does get better.