how many of you know your mm are married already

[lost101]

i've been in a relationship with my mm for about 10 months now. it's been sexual for 7. i had been suspecting he was married prior, but didn't actually find out for a month or so after we slept together the first time. i was wondering if any/most/many of you know that your mm is married before you sleep with them? or do you find out later? and how do you find out?

[Bubbles]

He really should have been forthcoming with that information and given you a choice from that point. Although it is wrong, he should have told you all the same.

 

Will it make a difference to you now that you know?

 

bubbles

[lost101]

yeah i wish he would have told me. we have a sorrid relationship mess suitable for jerry springer (he's married. i'm in a long-term relationship-- to start); that he didn't tell me is only one more piece to the puzzle. heh.

 

now that i know, without a doubt, that his W exists, all i want to do is find out about her. i'm obsessed with obtaining information about her and their family. (i guess my curiousity got the best of me in the beginning anyway, since i found out about her by going around him.) he's tight-lipped about EVERYTHING.

 

i've been uncomfortable about it since it moved beyond simply friendship (since i'm in a relationship myself) but recently i've gotten more and more uncomfortable. i feel like i don't even know myself anymore. but at the same time, i know nothing of her either and feel, to a point, that she isn't "real"... i guess what i'm saying is that maybe if i knew her or knew about her i would be less inclined to continue the sorridness of the relationship. maybe that's why he's tight-lipped?

[Bubbles]

For real? It sounds like he has done this before and the ex OW made all sorts of trouble for him because he was forthcoming with personal information.

 

Could be anything really. Maybe he has a fantastic wife and has no reasoning to do this except that he wants sex from someone other than his wife - you know.......get a strange piece?

 

Leave it alone about the wife part. It's really none of your business.

 

Sorry if I sound harsh - don't mean to be - I'm a get straight to the point kind of girl. Hope you forgive me.

 

 

bubbles

[lost101]

i have no doubt he's done it before. but not because he's told me, lol. just because i get that vibe. i believe you're probably right, that a former OW caused trouble... but i think he relishes a good game.

 

he claims they are "nothing more than roommates, really" but like the above-mentioned vibe, i don't believe it.

 

i don't think you're harsh at all. and i think the world would be a better place if more ppl were straight up when they talked. i dunno, i guess i feel he "owes" it to me, since he didn't have the decency to give me all the information to make an intellegent decision in the first place.

 

do you think it was wrong of me to go behind his back in the first place to find out about her? and do you think it's wrong of me to continue going behind his back to find out more about her (even if i don't bring it up to him)?

 

thanks for your input bubbles

[Bubbles]

I do think it's wrong of you to try and find out anything about his life - ask him directly and if he does'nt give you and answer? Oh Well! That's his perogative.

 

What if he went behind your back to find out things about your b/f or your life without asking you first? Would'nt that send signals to you that he is a very dishonest person or maybe a person that wants to make trouble?

 

Think out what you want to do before you do it. Walk in the other person's shoes and ask yourself this........will the end justify the means or in other words......is it really worth it? You could stir up more trouble for yourself than you can imagine. Remember there are a lot of people involved than just the two of you.

 

Again......it's really none of your business.

 

Can I ask a question? Why do you want to know so badly? Do you want to know if you are prettier than her? Do you want to know what she looks like so that you can compare yourself to her? Your answers could be associated with some insecurities maybe?

 

 

bubbles

[aklost101]

firstly, my apologies for the name change and the delay in response.

 

i guess i feel he "owes" it to me to tell me about them b/c he didn't allow me the option of having all the information to make an educated decision (even if it would have been the wrong one).

 

as for him going behind my back to find out about my bf... he's not going to find much he doesn't already know. we were friends first and i introduced my boyfriend to him... never expecting to be in this predicament. also, since he's corporate management at the company my bf works for it would be very easy for him to do so, but like i said, he wouldn't find out much he doesn't know.

as for being dishonest, obviously i am, since i'm going behind bfs back. making trouble? i have no interest in that. i don't want to be her friend, i don't want to rub it in that he's screwing around, i don't want to torture her.

 

i want to know about her b/c, like i said in my 1st post, that if i see her more as a person instead of this enigma, i might be more likely to end the relationship. at this point, she exists, to me, basically, on another plane in a pseudo-alternate reality. what i'm doing doesn't affect her since she doesn't exist.

 

obviously, i'm able to see the ridiculousness of that, but it doesn't mean i can change it... rationalization can only get me so far.

 

i've seen a photo of her.

i have no desire to know if i'm more attractive.

i don't want to compare myself.

 

as far as this "relationship" goes, the only insecurities i have are in regard to my altered self image. i never expected to be in a situation like this, and now i am, and now i'm doing things i never thought i'd do. suddenly the person i always thought i was is not real.

[Bubbles]

I don't understand......an educated decision? But you are already in the situation......you are already sleeping with him are you not?

 

You said it yourself......you feel as though she does not exist because you do not have amental image of her. Maybe it's better that way.

I do think that you should get things sorted out though. By that I mean, you have a relationship already and you are involved with a married man......how many do you need honey? LMAO!!!

 

bubbles

[aklost101]

yes, the educated decision. re: if he would have told me about his wife when we were friends, then i could have made a choice with all the information (hence educated decision). i am NOW sleeping with him. i haven't ALWAYS been. we had a friendship first.

 

how could it be better if i don't have a mental image of her?

 

no kidding i need to get my life sorted out.

 

i think i need a few more. a pimps work is never done, eh?

[Bubbles]

<<Gasping for air>> I hope you are kidding!

 

It's better for you NOT to have a mental image because then you will not constantly be on the look out for her or you may feel less guilt.

 

So are you saying that you would have preferred him not to have any attachements ie: family so that he could be mor available to you?

 

bubbles

[aklost101]

no i'm not kidding.

 

unfortunately i am already always on the lookout for her, but strangely, never when her husband and i are together.

 

and maybe the guilt will finally be the thing that sucker-punches me and sets me free from him.

 

and no, i'm not saying that i would have preferred him not to have any attachments "so he could be mor(e) available" i would have preferred him to have acknowledged his marriage to me.

 

 

why do you feel the desire to put words in my mouth?

[whichwayisup]

i'm obsessed with obtaining information about her and their family. (i guess my curiousity got the best of me in the beginning anyway, since i found out about her by going around him.) he's tight-lipped about EVERYTHING.

 

i've been uncomfortable about it since it moved beyond simply friendship (since i'm in a relationship myself) but recently i've gotten more and more uncomfortable. i feel like i don't even know myself anymore. but at the same time, i know nothing of her either and feel, to a point, that she isn't "real"... i guess what i'm saying is that maybe if i knew her or knew about her i would be less inclined to continue the sorridness of the relationship. maybe that's why he's tight-lipped?

 

He's tightlipped because he doesn't want to share that info with you. It's his private life and obviously he doesn't want you knowing about it.

 

She definately is a "real" person - Just like your boyfriend.

[Bubbles]

Sorry, I don't mean to put words in your mouth. I ask a question and then offer an answer so that you understand what I am thinking. I am putting myself in your shoes. I don't want you to feel trapped by my questions......I would rather you know that I am open minded to any answer because I would like to help you.

 

 

bubbles

[aklost101]

bubbles:

thanks for explaining your post.

 

whichwayisup:

his wife is private and i'm public... isn't it usually the other way around?

 

and i'm fully well aware that she's real. and i'm fully well aware that bf is real.

was that comment about bf your jab at trying to make me feel guilty?

 

if you read my post, you would have noticed that i'm aware of all this, and rationalizing only gets me so far. i know she exists, but it doesn't seem like it.

and i think if he's going to be sharing everything else w/ me he should be able to share the info about her w/ me. maybe he's just ashamed and doesn't want to be reminded of his infidelities.

[Bubbles]

aklost101,

 

Wow you sound like you are in a bad mood today......are you o.k.????

 

A word of advice, many people do not agree with what you are doing so there will be comments made to you that you will not appreciate. whichwayisup was actually being kind in comparison to what I have seen.

 

Here's something I live by: If you are ready to pose the question then you have to be ready for the answer......wether it's what you want to hear or not...

 

And one more thing......we already have a person on the site who likes to argue with everyone over everything I think she is paranoid of everything that we say/suggest.......she comes here to us so that she can insult us........needless to say she is put on "ignore" by many.

 

Now......you said that possibly he is ashamed and does'nt want to be reminded of his infidelities? Maybe.......and maybe he feels that if he tells you about his wife you might start suggesting that he leave her if you knew that truth? Do you think that, that could be a possibility?

 

There could be a thousand reasons why and only HE has the answer to that one........have you ever actually pressed him for information?

 

 

bubbles

[whichwayisup]

whichwayisup:

his wife is private and i'm public... isn't it usually the other way around?

 

and i'm fully well aware that she's real. and i'm fully well aware that bf is real.

was that comment about bf your jab at trying to make me feel guilty?

 

if you read my post, you would have noticed that i'm aware of all this, and rationalizing only gets me so far. i know she exists, but it doesn't seem like it.

and i think if he's going to be sharing everything else w/ me he should be able to share the info about her w/ me. maybe he's just ashamed and doesn't want to be reminded of his infidelities.

 

I wasn't taking a jab at you. If you felt that way - it came from inside you. You are full aware of what you're doing in your life right now. I was just trying to make a point, that's all.

 

He may not want to share anything about his wife with you because it really is unnecessary. Info about his wife gives you some power and knowledge. And he doesn't want that.

 

And things at home may be OK and he may not be telling you the whole truth.

 

I'm not saying this to hurt you, just getting you to open your eyes abit more. Read around OW threads and see the outcome and how much pain seeing a MM caused them.

[aklost101]

kids, kids, kids,

i am completely aware that what i'm doing is wrong. it's unfair to W, BF, MM, and myself. i know that. i never intended my orig post to become a debate about whether or not i should be knowledgeable about W or not. it was intended to see whether or not many of the ladies here were aware, when they started seeing their MM, that they were in-fact married and not single; and how they found out about W, if they didn't know already. i'm not opposed to answering your questions about my own situation, but i'm kind of surprised that my orig. question has been left by the wayside. no matter though.

 

to me, it's not unnecessary info. neither does it give me power. (why would i "out" him to her, if i'm not willing to risk outing myself to bf)

 

his only mention of what things were like at home, was after i received a dear Abby column in the mail (regarding men who treat their wives, who are ladies, like tramps, and find tramps to treat like ladies) and asked him what kind of rel. he had w/ W; if she would have sent it. he said they are "basically roommates" which i doubt, and have doubted since her existence was first disclosed to me.

 

indeed, you are correct, seeing a MM is painful. why do i stay? i haven't figured that out yet. i'm not looking for him to leave her. especially not for me. we have no shot at a "real" relationship. if he did leave her for me, well, i don't think i could handle that. hypothetically, if the stars aligned and we decided to enter into a relationship sans W and BF, the trust issues surrounding each of our infidelities would be a sure-fire way to kill anything we did have. i wouldn't be able to trust him not to run around on me, and i wouldn't be able to trust myself not to run around on him. i would love nothing more than for him to tell me he doesn't want to sleep w/ me anymore. though, yes, hoping we would be able to remain platonic friends (silly, naive me)

 

 

no bubbles, i'm not in a bad mood today. and i know ppl on here aren't going to agree with me, i didn't expect the OW brigade to come riding in and tell me "it's ok honey, i know he's a big bad married man, but it's ok". Please.

 

i had thought, from our previous exchanges, that i had made myself clear that by posting on here i WAS ready to accept the answers ppl give me. but i should also be allowed to a)clarify my point, b)challenge a point by another poster (b/c they should follow the same rules, eh?) and c)defend my point.

 

are you saying that i'm argumentative? if so, are you also "threatening" to ignore me? aside from whether you're suggesting such things about me, doesn't putting her on ignore invalidate your point of being able to accept the answers ppl give you?

 

he's a funny one to press for information. he's smart. really smart. been down this road a few times before, my guess. have you ever had a conversation with a person who doesn't want to answer the question you ask them?

 

ow: why haven't you told me about your wife?

mm: did i ever tell you about the time joe and i were at a bar in LV and elton john walked in?

ow: uh yes and now back to the matter at hand

mm: he has a really large entourage, which is funny considering he's quite short in stature.

ow: what about kids, do you have any of them?

mm: do you think the size of EJ's entourage compared to his height have anything to do with a freudian complex?

 

i'm sure you're getting the point.....

[whichwayisup]

to me, it's not unnecessary info. neither does it give me power. (why would i "out" him to her, if i'm not willing to risk outing myself to bf)

 

You've misunderstood...I didn't mean 'power' as in you confront her, I meant by having information gives you power. That is all.

 

Again, you know what you are doing, and hey, I ain't judging you.

 

Just keep an open mind when people post to you, even if it pisses you off abit. Noone here will have the exact same ideas/thoughts - That is what makes LS unique! Reading and getting advice and thoughts by many different people.

 

You're lucky afew others have not come and jumped in, attacking you and making you feel guilty! Thing is, noone should make you feel guilty unless you allow them too...That and your own conscious. Which I know you have as if you didn't you would not be here posting about your life.

 

why do i stay? i haven't figured that out yet. i'm not looking for him to leave her. especially not for me. we have no shot at a "real" relationship. if he did leave her for me, well, i don't think i could handle that. hypothetically, if the stars aligned and we decided to enter into a relationship sans W and BF, the trust issues surrounding each of our infidelities would be a sure-fire way to kill anything we did have. i wouldn't be able to trust him not to run around on me, and i wouldn't be able to trust myself not to run around on him. i would love nothing more than for him to tell me he doesn't want to sleep w/ me anymore. though, yes, hoping we would be able to remain platonic friends (silly, naive me)

 

You won't be able to be 'just friends' with him if this ends. I don't need to get into reasons why, you know them.

 

Ok so now you say you don't want a long term relationship with him, even if both relationships ended with your partner and his wife cuz you could not trust him...And I'm sure he'd feel the same way...Not to trust you. (that is not a shot, that is just honest as he is allowed to feel the exact same and have thoughts too!)

 

I guess I don't get why you'd put yourself though all this?? Is he worth all of this?? Don't you think you're better than this? You got a bf now.

 

Just giving you something to think about...

[aklost101]

having power (through info or not) ceases to be power when it's not used. very little said to me has pissed me off; b/c like you said, i know what i'm doing.

 

and like i posted to bubbles, when i chose to post on here, it was an agreement to accept other ideas. and also like i said to her, i should be allowed to clarify and defend myself, as well as challenge other points. and we should all be able to accept and respect the other posters rights, opinions and feelings. that's what makes a good debate. it shows the maturity of a person when after a heated debate you have no hard feelings.

 

i'm not sure why you say i'm "lucky" that other ppl haven't jumped in. i do feel guilty. ppl defending me, or ppl criticizing me isn't going to alleviate it or make it worse.

 

i did say my "dream" of being just friends was naive.

 

in my last post i had actually put in a sentence or 2 about him not being able to trust me... but i took it out b/c i don't know for sure if he wouldn't. i assume that since that's how i feel, he would feel likewise, but i don't actually know. so rather than putting words in his mouth, i just left it from my perspective.

 

it's not something i know or can explain or rationalize. he's offered me another life. a chance to walk on wild side, if you will. i guess maybe i got tired of being the good girl all the time. "i make a lot of mistakes because when i was perfect i wasn't getting any attention" he's done so much with his life that i guess i'm experiencing life vicariously through him. i always thought i was a fairly good person, until all this started.