Cheating on my wife with my best friend

[confusedlove58]

I'll start this post off by apologizing for the length, but I'm so confused. I should also say that we are all females. I've been with my wife for 9 years. We became very close with another woman over the past 2 years although we've known her for about 4. Needless to say, for the first time in my 44 years of life, I cheated on her with the other woman (my best friend). It lasted for about 4 days until my wife found out - although I've been attracted to this woman since we started hanging out.

 

She's straight - or was until we got together. We didn't sleep together although it came very close. When my wife found out, it was not a pretty sight which is understandable. That being said, although the other woman and I didn't continue to be physical, we did communicate via e-mail and discussed things that were inappropriate - that I consider cheating. I started to fall in love with her - or so I thought. She fell in love with me immediately and was willing to tell the world. I wasn't even sure I wanted to leave my current wife whom I also love deeply. My wife and I clearly are having issues and have been for awhile. (not an excuse but truth). I believe the other woman has borderline personality disorder - she also has anxiety issues and ptsd which is determined by her dr.

 

The borderline part is suspected because of the actions from start to finish. Emotionally, I was a mess and although I do have feelings for her, they aren't as strong as the feelings for my wife. She manipulated me, made EVERYTHING all about her and just tore me apart when she wouldn't get her way. If you know anything about borderline people, it's an intense experience from start to finish and not a healthy one. It's been about 7 1/2 months since this started. I've been 6 weeks into NC with her - the longest I've lasted was 4 weeks. She periodically would text me -sometimes I would answer other times I wouldn't. She would cut me down and bring me up and cut me back down again. It's been a little over 2 weeks since she last texted me which is the longest.

 

I know she's dating woman now - or at least trying. I want her to be happy but the truth is I miss her - A LOT. I LOVE my wife and we are working together to get past this. I'm in therapy - we both went as a couple, too. The actions of the OW broke me. I know she has mental issues and even if I left my wife, the relationship would be up/down up/down and all about her (it's part of the disease) Anyway, how do I get rid of these feelings???? My therapist thinks that although I do have feelings for the OW, chances are it's because of the intensity of the relationship she and I shared - even when we were just friends. Anyone that was around us could tell there were feelings between us...and the chemistry was out of this world. I'm not sure what I'm going through. Did my relationship run its' course? Do I really love this OW? Or am I just going through a mid-life crisis?

 

My wife and I have a house together, and I have never thought of the relationship ending until all of this. Any help would greatly be appreciated... I'll answer any questions and take all criticism. I'm just looking to get out of my own head so I can go on with my life - with my wife. There's way more to this story but I'm trying to keep it as short as possible. Oh, and I should say that inevitably this OW, my wife and I will all see each other. We volunteer for the same organization. We all had to be around each other once before - a month after this happened but prior to NC, and it was ok.

 

My self-esteem is so low these days. Normally, I'm the one always smiling, laughing and bringing fun...nowadays, I can't even find my smile. And yes, I realize I got myself into this situation... We broke each others hearts and admittedly to each other, we'll always have a connection and never closure because of how it ended.

Edited April 23, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and move to Infidelity

[DivorcedDad123]

For your own sanity,leave this woman alone! Funny thing about borderlines though...while you're trying to figure them out,you're faced with the reality of something missing in you, that allowed you to get involved with them in the first place.

The love bombing can be quite appealing to a man whose SO isn't paying much attention to them or is taking them for granted. Is there something missing in your marriage that left you open to such?

[casey.lives]

i know that if i care about someone, the last thing i want is to cause them pain. Maybe you really don't care about your wife and unfortunately this is how you are finding out. Once you find yourself capable of hurting someone, it's best to severe ties.

[scatterd]

Doing this has caused damage to your marriage that you can never take back.Of course any person new you are attracted to is going to be intense especially knowing your taking chances. Its selfish you married you wive and gave up. After time with anyone the sex dies down.If you was with this OW full time it would also die down. I do not think you love her I think you lust her and love the attention. You would probably resent her and neither one of you would trust each other if you ended up with her. After going no contact with her and putting all the attention you gave to her, to your wife you will see how it really is. The fog will lift you are looking at her through rose colored glasses. Do not speak to her no more or you will lose your wife.Think back to why you married your wive in the first place I am sure it was pretty intense or you would not of married her. In marriage you fall in and out of love all the time its comfortable.You will have arguments and disagreements with anyone love is not lust. Get rid of other woman and work building trust again be an open book if you do you will be closer then ever but know it can take along time for everybody heals different and how you handle it will set the time.Start no contact with this OW now. Good Luck

[Matahari007]

Do you want to work on your marriage? If so, start with counseling and take it from there. I'd suggest going 'no contact' with the other woman completely. That means all social media, email, instant messaging, blocking her #, you get my drift. Its natural to miss her and hopefully in time that will die down but if you choose to work on your marriage you have to place your complete focus on your wife, 100%. As far as closure, to me there is no such thing. You give yourself closure. Trying to keep this as unfinished business leaves you to keep the door open. If you want it to be over, than its over, but if there's a part of you still wanting to entertain the idea than you'll never heal and move on from this. Wishing you the best!

[Lion Heart]

Briefly speaking: Firstly, you could jump out of the fry pan and into the fire.

Lastly there are hundreds if not thousands of volunteer organizations you can join. As a BW myself I would never tolerate being altogether like that and IMHO you are not showing any empathy for your BW at all.

I'm sure you were fine with seeing the OW and all but I can't even imagine what triggers your BW would've been trying to hide. Or adding the truth: your BW doesn't know the whole story anyway.

I don't think you realize how "at the edge" your M is and your BW is showing ALOT of patience and leeway with you that you don't deserve.

 

Reconciliation is a gift. You've been kicking a generous gift horse in the mouth.

Lion Heart.

[confusedlove58]

Thank you all so much for your replies. I should say that I am not cheating anymore. I have stopped contacting her - she was the one who has continually contacted me. I stopped replying. I don't want to lose my wife. The days have gotten better - somewhat easier - but I'm not me anymore. I feel like I've lost my smile. I'm working on my marriage - hard. My wife cheated on me 4 years ago, and I forgave her. I know what she's going through because I've been there - we've been there and worked through it. I can tell she's back on her meds because she "seems" happy and has put on a lot of weight. I know what's going to happen though - the next time we see each other, she's going to start all over again. At one point it felt like she was somewhat stalking me. Now, that she isn't contact me at all, I feel sad...like it's now for real that the door is closed completely. She was very mean, manipulative, lied, etc when I was asking for space to figure stuff out. (I assume it's part of the disorder) I don't even know why I have any feelings at all. How do I tell the difference between love and lust anyway?? The OW has contacted my W a few times via text. The latest being on Easter and she told my W that she was thinking about her. I don't know what conversations they had. I don't ask my W because it's between the 2 of them. The OW has come between another set of friends of ours - a straight married couple - but not in the same way. She did the same "stalking" to them as she did to me. Why do I feel so empty???

 

Lion Heart - I do agree that I would be jumping directly into the fire. And what's BW? As far as the volunteer goes, for this particular cause, there are only 2. My W and I are both part of it. When this whole thing happened, I asked her if she wanted me to quit. She said no. I never go to any functions without my W that the volunteer group has. In fact, we have only been to one and luckily the OW didn't show.

 

Divorceddad - How do you know about borderlines? Yes, there is something missing in my marriage. I don't know what it is, but I'm working diligently on figuring it out - both on my own and with my W.

 

Matahari - I've already blocked her from social media, etc. The problem is we have a lot of mutual friends.

 

Scatterd - You are exactly right.

 

Casey.lives - I do care about my W - a lot. I made a terrible, terrible mistake that I don't think I will ever be able to forgive myself for doing.

[DivorcedDad123]

"How do you know about borderlines?"

Extensive...research.

 

Why do I feel so empty???

Because you miss the adoration and idealization.The mirror that completed you.

 

Hopefully she's moved on to a new target permanently. That's the best way for you to get over it. You got to see her without the mask,so that should help too.

 

"My wife cheated on me 4 years ago, and I forgave her."

This I find puzzling. Your wife cheated before,but now she's upset that you did? I may be wrong,but I'd bet there is alot missing in your marriage.

You say you want to continue being married to her. Can you give yourself a "why?".

[confusedlove58]

That's how I found about her being borderline - a TON of research. Like I said, she never told me that she was - she only told me about her being ptsd and having an anxiety disorder - but I'd almost guarantee that she has it. I've talked extensively in therapy about her and the situation and my therapist agrees as well. I'm sure you know that even if she has moved on to a new target (which I believe she has) that when we see each other, she's going to start this again. Or am I wrong as far as borderlines go?

Yes, my wife cheated on me. She reconnected with an old friend from high school that she had a crush on but nothing ever happened. Once night, my W disappeared and after digging, she confessed. At that point, we weren't married. It doesn't make it right what I did, and I know that. But, I worked hard to forgive her. I don't know if I should have but I did. Clearly something was missing in our relationship then, and I don't know that we worked to find that out. I'm willing to bet the same thing that was missing then is still missing today.

Edited April 24, 2015 by confusedlove58

[Rainbowlove]

Confused,

 

I'm a lesbian, married to a wonderful woman for nearly 20 years. We have a son, home, great jobs, we live in a very gay friendly neighborhood and to all who can see, we live a grand life.

 

I'm also 44 and for the first time in our relationship, I had an affair with a straight, married, Mormon woman. Yep, I choke every time I say it out loud. That affair ended 1.5 years ago.

 

My relationship with this OW was also very up/down on both parts. Whether or not your OW is Borderline PD doesn't really matter, does it?

 

It could have been up/down because you were her 1st and because it was an affair and wrong.

 

You need to remove yourself from all thoughts of her. It's not a healthy situation for you or your wife. Forget about this OW and your "connection" it's bull shyt. It's BS you are feeding yourself because of the "newness" you felt for her. That's really all it is.

 

You and I both know how things go in the lesbian community. If you were this woman's first, you won't be her last. There is no stability in that relationship at all. She will want other woman and you were just her catalyst. You know this.

 

Get back with reality. Your marriage has issues that need to be addressed. Why are you both being unfaithful? What do you need to work on to recommit and trust each other?

 

Good luck to you...stop giving this OW any more of your time emotionally and mentally.

 

Focus on your marriage and healing that.

[confusedlove58]

Thank you everyone for your replies.

Rainbowlove - you are completely right. I know all too well how the gay community works. The funny thing is she isn't even gay. Well, I should say that she has NEVER mentioned being interested in a woman in the years I've known her. Never even hinted. I read some of your posts. How are things on your end?

Divorceddad123 - You're right - something is missing in our marriage, and we're working to find out what that something is.

She texted me this past Friday reminding me about a concert that we "should've" been going to. She said she still has my ticket and asked me to go. I declined. She's having surgery tomorrow - not major - and now I'm stuck between wanting to reach out good wishes to her and not.