Caught daughter talking to people she met online

[MotherBear]

Recently I had suspicions that my daughter was talking to people she didn't know. She's 13 and I noticed she was on her phone a lot more. I shrugged it off to start with as I thought well she's just being a teenager. Then she started locking herself in her room a lot more and if ever I went in without knocking she would scream bloody murder at me.

 

Then last month she left her phone on the side and a message popped up from "kevin", i froze as i thought who's kevin she has never mentioned kevin. I have met lots of her friends boys and girls but never a kevin. I decided to let it slide as it may just be a new friend. A few days later she said she was going into town and I just casually asked who with and she said just friends, I seized this moment to ask about kevin and she froze and went as white as a sheep. At this point I didn't know what to do and she quickly left. I never brought it up later as I thought she is 13, she will tell me when she wants to, at this point I was just assuming maybe it was her first boyfriend.

 

Then 2 weeks ago she went out to town again with her friends, well that's what she said, but she was 2 hours late coming home. When I questioned her about it, she just got very angry with me which led to her going straight to bed to cool off. This wasn't like my daughter and I thought something wasn't right. So the next day I found on the internet an app which I could put on her phone and it would monitor all of her messages and calls and even had a tracker on it so next time if she was late home I could at least see where she was.

 

I installed it and told her about it, I don't think she believed me when I said I would be able to see everything. As the next day when I logged onto the computer to check everything was ok, there were hundreds of messages from "kevin", I soon realised this wasn't just a kid from her school and instead someone she had met on the social media and he was 21. They were having quite a deep and explicit relationship, and it turned out when she had been late she had been with him.

 

I confronted her about this that evening and she just started crying saying sorry, I tried very hard to stay calm as I just wanted to know what had gone on. She has said that they never had full intercourse but there had been some fondling per say. I calmly asked her if I could meet him and when she asked him to come round and meet me he has never replied. Now it has been 10 days and we have heard nothing from him. I dread to think what might have happened to my daughter if I had not have installed the app.

 

I have written this to share my story, I wouldn't have been able to protect my daughter. A lot of people have different views on monitoring your child's phone but I think as long as you inform your child of it being on there and respect her privacy by not reading every message, especially from trusted contacts, there is no harm in it.

 

To all parents out there, look for the signs, I never thought the things you hear in the paper and in magazines would happen to me but this shows it happens to everyone and more than you think.

Edited April 25, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed link to advertised software

[Rainbowlove]

Recently I had suspicions that my daughter was talking to people she didn't know. She's 13 and I noticed she was on her phone a lot more. I shrugged it off to start with as I thought well she's just being a teenager. Then she started locking herself in her room a lot more and if ever I went in without knocking she would scream bloody murder at me.

 

Then last month she left her phone on the side and a message popped up from "kevin", i froze as i thought who's kevin she has never mentioned kevin. I have met lots of her friends boys and girls but never a kevin. I decided to let it slide as it may just be a new friend. A few days later she said she was going into town and I just casually asked who with and she said just friends, I seized this moment to ask about kevin and she froze and went as white as a sheep. At this point I didn't know what to do and she quickly left. I never brought it up later as I thought she is 13, she will tell me when she wants to, at this point I was just assuming maybe it was her first boyfriend.

 

Then 2 weeks ago she went out to town again with her friends, well that's what she said, but she was 2 hours late coming home. When I questioned her about it, she just got very angry with me which led to her going straight to bed to cool off. This wasn't like my daughter and I thought something wasn't right. So the next day I found on the internet an app which I could put on her phone and it would monitor all of her messages and calls and even had a tracker on it so next time if she was late home I could at least see where she was.

 

I installed it and told her about it, I don't think she believed me when I said I would be able to see everything. As the next day when I logged onto the computer to check everything was ok, there were hundreds of messages from "kevin", I soon realised this wasn't just a kid from her school and instead someone she had met on the social media and he was 21. They were having quite a deep and explicit relationship, and it turned out when she had been late she had been with him.

 

I confronted her about this that evening and she just started crying saying sorry, I tried very hard to stay calm as I just wanted to know what had gone on. She has said that they never had full intercourse but there had been some fondling per say. I calmly asked her if I could meet him and when she asked him to come round and meet me he has never replied. Now it has been 10 days and we have heard nothing from him. I dread to think what might have happened to my daughter if I had not have installed the app.

 

I have written this to share my story and if it hadn't have been for Nindroid - Home I wouldn't have been able to protect my daughter. A lot of people have different views on monitoring your child's phone but I think as long as you inform your child of it being on there and respect her privacy by not reading every message, especially from trusted contacts, there is no harm in it.

 

To all parents out there, look for the signs, I never thought the things you hear in the paper and in magazines would happen to me but this shows it happens to everyone and more than you think.

 

Thanks for posting.

 

I hope you find the creep and have him arrested. He's a pedophile and I'm sure your daughter was just one of many he's been working on.

 

Please alert the authorities, if you haven't already.

 

Also, he likely knows much more about your daughter and likely isn't done with her either.

[Satu]

Well done, you did a good job, but you should hand this to the police for the sake of other children he will be preying on.

[CC12]

Call the police.

 

Also,

 

Now it has been 10 days and we have heard nothing from him.

 

You haven't heard anything from him. Your daughter is 13. It's fair to assume that she's better at cell phone/computer stuff than you. It's probably very easy to circumvent apps like the one you posted.

 

Why didn't you just take her phone and/or internet away?

[Hawaii51]

>didn't get past the first paragraph<

 

I'm not sure who owns the home (or pays the mortgage) but I'm pretty who ever does should have access- knocks withheld- to any and every point in that abode. Leave the privacy issues to our dwindling republic, not your daughter's sanctity.

[MotherBear]

Update: Thanks for all your replies, I have informed the police and I am unable to disclose any more information. Only that like I had thought "kevin" wasn't his real name and in fact he is in his 40's. After everything my daughter still lied to me, I am trying to be sensitive about it all as I don't want her to shut down and never tell me anything after this. It is very hard though as she would have known when she met him that he wasn't 21 but she is still telling me she did not know.

 

Why do such people like this man exist!

[Hope Shimmers]

I am glad you caught this, but some things in your post seem disturbing to me. I have a 14 year old daughter and am a long way from being a helicopter parent, but my daughter doesn't have anywhere near as much freedom as yours seems to. Never would she scream at me for coming into her room (I would knock first, but she WOULD let me in). And never would I let her go somewhere for hours without knowing exactly where she was going and who she was with. I don't go through her phone routinely, but she doesn't hide her phone from me and I can glance at the screen and see who she is messaging. If she ever starts becoming secretive about her phone then I will start going through it routinely.

 

If I think she has "her first boyfriend" there is no way I'm going to wait until she decides to tell me about it.

 

She is too young to have so much freedom IMO. That is the best way to catch something like this. There are just too many things that can happen to a girl this age.

[preraph]

Way to go, Mom! Now time to see if you can find out if she's lying about her age, which will continue to get her in trouble if she is. So scary out there. And you might also do a google image search with some of her photos and be sure she doesn't turn up elsewhere on the internet.

Edited April 24, 2015 by preraph

[Syberia]

Why didn't you just take her phone and/or internet away?

Because she is not the problem? The creep is.

[GorillaTheater]

Because she is not the problem? The creep is.

 

You take the phone away and/or cut off the internet to protect the child, because that's our gig as parents. In this case, her having one or both was a proximate cause in what appears to have led to sexual assault. You absolutely do not play when it comes to the safety of your kids.

[Syberia]

Yes, because punishing her is clearly the right response to someone who lied about their age (though 21 is still "too old") and is clearly a pedophile. He is the one who needs to be punished.

 

My parents were overprotective of me (which is hilarious because they really had no relationship with me outside of punishing me) and it pushed me to do sh*t behind thier back. I am still bitter about it at age 26, and you bet it will influence the way I raise my kids.

[GorillaTheater]

Yes, because punishing her is clearly the right response to someone who lied about their age (though 21 is still "too old") and is clearly a pedophile. He is the one who needs to be punished.

 

My parents were overprotective of me and it pushed me to do sh*t behind thier back. I am still bitter about it at age 26, and you bet it will influence the way I raise my kids.

 

The problem is that you see it as "punishment". I don't. I view it the same way that I do about being very careful with my kids when it comes to firearms. I'm not punishing my son by not getting him the rifle he wants; rather, I'm protecting him because I don't think he can safely handle it.

[Syberia]

Why not get him the damn gun and take a safety class with him?

 

I'm going to bow out of this before I say something that gets me in trouble. Touchy subject.

[GorillaTheater]

Yes, because punishing her is clearly the right response to someone who lied about their age (though 21 is still "too old") and is clearly a pedophile. He is the one who needs to be punished.

 

BTW, it turned out the guy was in his 40s and yes, he deserves to be boiled alive and rendered into axle grease. And I'd take the phone and internet away in a New York minute if it meant protecting my 13-year-old daughter from subhumans like this until I could trust her judgment. F*cking shoot me.

[Syberia]

Enjoy a daughter who's bitter and resentful. I'm sure she'd love to know you don't trust her. That'll feel real good. Personally, I don't learn sh*t from "punishment" or "guidance" or "protection" or whatever you want to call it. It just p*sses me off. I learn from making my own. d*mn. mistakes. Yeah that means I have to accept the consequences for what I f*ck up along the way, but so be it.

[leavesonautumn]

Enjoy a daughter who's bitter and resentful. I'm sure she'd love to know you don't trust her. That'll feel real good. Personally, I don't learn sh*t from "punishment" or "guidance" or "protection" or whatever you want to call it. It just p*sses me off. I learn from making my own. d*mn. mistakes. Yeah that means I have to accept the consequences for what I f*ck up along the way, but so be it.

 

 

Most teenagers have a bitter and resentful edge to them. The point is that she will come to realize that her parents love her and protected her from someone potentially dangerous. She's 13, not 18. She's a child, she needs guidance. Do you have any idea what could have possibly happened if she did not intervene? Dear God. He probably could have convinced her of anything seeing as her brain is not even fully developed yet.

[alsudduth]

You take the phone away and/or cut off the internet to protect the child, because that's our gig as parents. In this case, her having one or both was a proximate cause in what appears to have led to sexual assault. You absolutely do not play when it comes to the safety of your kids.

 

We recently gave in and got our daughter a phone for her birthday (she's 11) but I have FULL access to it. It is MY phone that we ALLOW her to use provided she follow the rules of internet and phone safety. She doesn't even know the phone number and is not allowed to give it to anyone without me knowing. I check her phone/internet daily. If there is ANYTHING that I deem inappropriate, we have a conversation about it and she gets her privileges taken away for a week.

 

You are right Gorilla, we HAVE to be strict in this day and age when it comes to our children's safety.

 

I can see where it can be confusing or you can be unsure where to start, it is definitely a different day and age from we were younger with no real electronic/internet until we were almost adults. But instead of erroring on the side of your daughter maybe being angry with you...You gotta error on the side of caution and doing what is necessary to protect your child.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Why do you allow your THIRTEEN YEAR OLD daughter to "go out and hang with her friends"? How is it that you allow her to leave your house and "go with her friends"?? You should be accompanying her as a CHAPERONE on these "hang outs" with her "friends". If you were, what happened to your CHILD with a 40 year old MAN would've NEVER occurred. I could see if she was like 16 or 17, and even then, I would've supervised her more closely - ESPECIALLY in this "day and age"!

 

Sorry. But, when I read your post, I got sick to my stomach at how lax you are with regard to allowing your CHILD to roam about in public ON HER OWN with you 'trusting her' to act appropriately when she's BY HERSELF. She's ONLY *thirteen* years old! Then, when I read the part where she comes home LATE from her "outing", I almost wanted to PUKE. Comes home LATE?? Omg! How can ANY mother *allow* their CHILD to go out BY THEMSELVES during the day and then "come back home" AT NIGHT??? ALONE?????:eek:

 

Okay. I'm going to end this post now, because I feel myself getting upset and wanting to say more things that probably wouldn't make the OP feel like a good parent.

 

No wonder so many young girls come up MISSING or end up SEXUALLY ABUSED (and sometimes MURDERED) by perverted sick guys online. I can't even imagine what your daughter has possibly gone through that you'll NEVER know about.

 

I almost feel like crying.

 

 

.

[Hope Shimmers]

We recently gave in and got our daughter a phone for her birthday (she's 11) but I have FULL access to it. It is MY phone that we ALLOW her to use provided she follow the rules of internet and phone safety. She doesn't even know the phone number and is not allowed to give it to anyone without me knowing.

 

My daughter has had an iphone since she was 6 years old, but that was only so she could feel free to text or call her dad (my ex-husband) or me when she was with the other parent.

 

We locked the phone down in the ways that you stated. She could not add contacts - only we could. She could not get email or texts or calls from anyone not on her contact list. She had very limited access to the internet.

 

We just lifted those restrictions last year (when she was 13.5 years old) but she still has to be transparent where her phone is concerned. I also check the wireless bill for texts and numbers.

 

My daughter doesn't hate me or resent this at all. She's a very popular girl and she spends a lot of time texting her friends. She doesn't feel restricted or resentful to us. In fact she still says "I love you mom" several times a day to me. I think she would feel resentful if I didn't care enough to do it.

[Timshel]

Guys, I kind of think this was a hydra advertisement thread for ninroid whatever. Last month I actually was pming with someone for a few wks. before they tried to sell me something.

[xxoo]

Yes, because punishing her is clearly the right response to someone who lied about their age (though 21 is still "too old") and is clearly a pedophile. He is the one who needs to be punished.

 

My parents were overprotective of me (which is hilarious because they really had no relationship with me outside of punishing me) and it pushed me to do sh*t behind thier back. I am still bitter about it at age 26, and you bet it will influence the way I raise my kids.

 

I'm truly sorry that you had a crappy upbringing.

 

It is completely different when a parent is involved and loving. Kids, even teens, take limits well from parents who clearly care about them.

 

OP, don't be afraid to set firm limits. Your child should not be permitted to scream at you, barricade you from her room, or come home late without consequences. In my home, this means lost privileges. Trust is earned. The one and only time I had to ground my teenager, she was initially mad, but I was pleased to discover that she was choosing to spend her time hanging out with me by the second day.

[Els]

OP, I think you should continue to pursue this matter with the police to get that ******* arrested, and that you should impose strict boundaries on your daughter for the next few months. Unfortunately she has proven that you can't trust her judgement, and that she doesn't even respect you - heck, she screamed at you and slammed the door, and you just let that slide by! Why?

 

 

Why do you allow your THIRTEEN YEAR OLD daughter to "go out and hang with her friends"? How is it that you allow her to leave your house and "go with her friends"?? You should be accompanying her as a CHAPERONE on these "hang outs" with her "friends". If you were, what happened to your CHILD with a 40 year old MAN would've NEVER occurred. I could see if she was like 16 or 17, and even then, I would've supervised her more closely - ESPECIALLY in this "day and age"!

 

This is IMO excessively overprotective. Yes, trust has to be earned, so after this whole carbuncle I can absolutely understand if the OP grounds her daughter and only allows her out when chaperoned, for the next few months or so. And I agree with setting strict times for leaving and arriving, knowing where she is at all times, knowing who she is out with, etc.

 

But never allowing a 13 yo to hang out with their friends without you being there, ever? That's just going to end up with a very socially stunted young adult who will have to struggle in the future to learn the social skills that most other people will have learnt naturally by their 20s. Terrible advice. There is always risk when you let your child out of the house, but the way to mitigate it is to manage risk, teach them well, and set boundaries, not to keep them by your side all the time.

[ASG]

Why do you allow your THIRTEEN YEAR OLD daughter to "go out and hang with her friends"? How is it that you allow her to leave your house and "go with her friends"?? You should be accompanying her as a CHAPERONE on these "hang outs" with her "friends". If you were, what happened to your CHILD with a 40 year old MAN would've NEVER occurred. I could see if she was like 16 or 17, and even then, I would've supervised her more closely - ESPECIALLY in this "day and age"!

 

.

 

This day and age?!? There is NOTHING different in this "day and age" to the "day and age" of 20 years ago. There are NO MORE child abusers. We just hear about them more.

 

I mean... seriously... do you mean to tell us that you were never allowed out on your own at 13?

 

Sometimes I feel like I jumped into the dark ages when I read some posts here on LS.

 

At 13 I often walked home from school (a couple of miles away) and would go out for lunch to the nearest shopping centre, also a couple of miles away. With my friends. No parents or chaperones present.

 

My parents knew all about it. We'd been doing it since we were 11. Never a problem.

 

You can't over protect a kid. They will only be stunted. And maybe you were saying these things because you have forgotten how it was being 13. And the liberty you had.

[turnera]

Why do you allow your THIRTEEN YEAR OLD daughter to "go out and hang with her friends"? How is it that you allow her to leave your house and "go with her friends"?? You should be accompanying her as a CHAPERONE on these "hang outs" with her "friends". If you were, what happened to your CHILD with a 40 year old MAN would've NEVER occurred. I could see if she was like 16 or 17, and even then, I would've supervised her more closely - ESPECIALLY in this "day and age"!

 

Sorry. But, when I read your post, I got sick to my stomach at how lax you are with regard to allowing your CHILD to roam about in public ON HER OWN with you 'trusting her' to act appropriately when she's BY HERSELF. She's ONLY *thirteen* years old! Then, when I read the part where she comes home LATE from her "outing", I almost wanted to PUKE. Comes home LATE?? Omg! How can ANY mother *allow* their CHILD to go out BY THEMSELVES during the day and then "come back home" AT NIGHT??? ALONE?????:eek:

 

Okay. I'm going to end this post now, because I feel myself getting upset and wanting to say more things that probably wouldn't make the OP feel like a good parent.

 

No wonder so many young girls come up MISSING or end up SEXUALLY ABUSED (and sometimes MURDERED) by perverted sick guys online. I can't even imagine what your daughter has possibly gone through that you'll NEVER know about.

We had strict rules about what DD24 was allowed to do; each year she was given a little more leeway, after she PROVED to us she could be responsible. If she did something dumb, she went back to the last level of freedom to earn her way back out of it. And she knew all about this ahead of time. These are the rules, these are the things we won't let you do yet, here's how you'll get to do them, and here's what will happen if you mess up.

 

 

That way, it was all on HER shoulders to live up to our expectations and to fix mistakes she made. No 'punishment' or resentment, because she knew ahead of time what would happen and if she chose to screw up she had no one to blame but herself.

 

 

And I never judged her, I told her I expected her to make mistakes, what mattered was what happened after the mistakes - I expected her to learn from it and become smarter. And she did.

 

 

Oh, and going out with friends at 13? No freaking way. Ours didn't go out alone until 16 and only with groups, not a guy. Guys were welcome to come to our house, but she couldn't go out until she was 17. And she was fine with it; the guys who couldn't deal with that were jerks anyway and good riddance.

 

 

OP, I hope you have at least ended her going out with friends without a chaperone. She has BLOWN that right out of the water and should have to EARN that right...very slowly. That's her consequence for lying.

[littleplanet]

I just love it when the original poster breezes in, returns with updated information, and then stands well back out of the way as the typhoon blows the roof off. :D:D

 

OP,

Your daughter isn't so very atypical for her age.

But she did run head-on into a predatory situation which is all too common, in this spanking bright teckie-toy age.

And might this kind of thing have happened before the coming of teckie-toys?

Of course.

 

Those toys pack a helluva punch. Use with discretion, respect, and full knowledge of what they can do.

This was a big learning curve for you daughter. Apply accordingly.

As to the perv? I'd focus more on your daughter. Less on him. He's pernicious, ubiquitous, and won't be going away anytime soon.

The best protection against the likes of him - is your daughter's good sense.

 

And at least to one poster: Sorry - but a 13 year-old is not a "child."

Not anymore. That horse has left the barn.

Create and adjust.

 

Repeat liberally. Protection is her own armor. Unless you want to go into permanent lock-down until she's married.

So real discussion with her should be on the menu. Just don't make her choke on it. There's lots of good nutritional value in proper proportions.

 

As long as she can know and trust that you are on her side - in a positive way, it is by no means a losing cause.

She messed up.

It's not about punishment.

It's about learning.