bitterandjaded Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Boy was I wrong about my ex MM. We broke up a couple months ago because he wanted to work on his marriage and I respected it completely. At the time I still thought we had the great "love of all loves" and the timing and circumstances were just off. I still thought he was my soulmate and thought so highly of him. We had the most intense emotional connection and although all the stories of married men seemed similar to mine I really thought that we were the exception and he really fell in love with me. Well I made the mistake of checking one of his social media accounts just to make sure he is ok and the whole time we have been broken up (a couple months) he has been talking to another woman and is in a relationship with her. So much for working on his marriage! The funny thing he is actually trying to work on his marriage at the same time (at least according to his wife's instagram he is) He is feeding her the same lines I once heard of course and telling her how he has never felt this way blah blah blah. I am completely devastated that the whole year of our "relationship" was basically a lie and how he was able to completely forget about me and never even thinks about me anymore but at the same time I think I needed this to move on with my life and see him for the person he is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Boy was I wrong about my ex MM. We broke up a couple months ago because he wanted to work on his marriage and I respected it completely. At the time I still thought we had the great "love of all loves" and the timing and circumstances were just off. I still thought he was my soulmate and thought so highly of him. We had the most intense emotional connection and although all the stories of married men seemed similar to mine I really thought that we were the exception and he really fell in love with me. Well I made the mistake of checking one of his social media accounts just to make sure he is ok and the whole time we have been broken up (a couple months) he has been talking to another woman and is in a relationship with her. So much for working on his marriage! The funny thing he is actually trying to work on his marriage at the same time (at least according to his wife's instagram he is) He is feeding her the same lines I once heard of course and telling her how he has never felt this way blah blah blah. I am completely devastated that the whole year of our "relationship" was basically a lie and how he was able to completely forget about me and never even thinks about me anymore but at the same time I think I needed this to move on with my life and see him for the person he is. Surprise surprise. Words are empty air. Actions show everything. Sorry to hear, but chalk it up to a lesson learned. A painful one. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Chasing_mya Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 I think this is one of the best things that could of happened to you. It's a blessing in disguise and now you KNOW with absolute CERTAINTY that everything he ever told you was B*llsh*t. I'd recommend blocking or deactivating that social media account and not look at his wifes instagram and let it ALL go. As of today you know he's not the man you thought he was. I wish you the best on moving forward. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bitterandjaded Posted April 23, 2015 Author Share Posted April 23, 2015 thats exactly what I did! thanks for your kind words 4 Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Boy was I wrong about my ex MM. We broke up a couple months ago because he wanted to work on his marriage and I respected it completely. At the time I still thought we had the great "love of all loves" and the timing and circumstances were just off. I still thought he was my soulmate and thought so highly of him. We had the most intense emotional connection and although all the stories of married men seemed similar to mine I really thought that we were the exception and he really fell in love with me. Well I made the mistake of checking one of his social media accounts just to make sure he is ok and the whole time we have been broken up (a couple months) he has been talking to another woman and is in a relationship with her. So much for working on his marriage! The funny thing he is actually trying to work on his marriage at the same time (at least according to his wife's instagram he is) He is feeding her the same lines I once heard of course and telling her how he has never felt this way blah blah blah. I am completely devastated that the whole year of our "relationship" was basically a lie and how he was able to completely forget about me and never even thinks about me anymore but at the same time I think I needed this to move on with my life and see him for the person he is. MM who cheat lie to everyone. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 I am completely devastated that the whole year of our "relationship" was basically a lie and how he was able to completely forget about me and never even thinks about me anymore but at the same time I think I needed this to move on with my life and see him for the person he is. Reality can hurt but it's good now you know what what's. Don't ever spend one more minute thinking of him. He's not worthy to be a thought in your head! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 I think there can be a misconception sometimes in affairs. The mistake made is that the MM must think the OW is soooo special, because after all he is risking his marriage to be with her. Whilst sometimes that may be true, or it may be true to an extent, there is no real reason to think that must always be the case. Affairs are just like other relationships, sometimes real lasting love is involved, and other times it just isn't. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 it's a good thing you don't have any confusion left. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 It's probably a good thing you did look, because now you have no doubt he was all talk. Saying what he needed to keep you right there. Put this affair down to a bad decision and always know you deserve better than being a secret lover. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Ouch. That would really hurt to read that, and I'm glad you did it. Now you have incontrovertible proof that he is a manipulator and a fraud. If you ever feel yourself softening up again, go back and remind yourself of what you saw. He is a serial cheater...a man who is in love with the rush he gets from falling in love. You were likely not his first A, nor will this new woman be his last. How awful to be married to someone like that. I am curious how you were able to suss out this new relationship on social media. If you can see it, can't his wife see it, too? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bitterandjaded Posted April 23, 2015 Author Share Posted April 23, 2015 Ouch. That would really hurt to read that, and I'm glad you did it. Now you have incontrovertible proof that he is a manipulator and a fraud. If you ever feel yourself softening up again, go back and remind yourself of what you saw. He is a serial cheater...a man who is in love with the rush he gets from falling in love. You were likely not his first A, nor will this new woman be his last. How awful to be married to someone like that. I am curious how you were able to suss out this new relationship on social media. If you can see it, can't his wife see it, too? I doubt I was his first A (even though he said I was) and I am starting too learn his true colors (I was blinded by the affair fog at the time). It's good too because any chance of us being friends in the distant future is also gone now. It was an anonymous account so he didn't use his name or pictures so if you don't know he had it you wouldn't know about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Tauriel Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 I doubt I was his first A (even though he said I was) and I am starting too learn his true colors (I was blinded by the affair fog at the time). It's good too because any chance of us being friends in the distant future is also gone now. I wonder if my MM is lying about this to me as well. Reason I saw this is because he really had no hesitation about getting into the A, and I would think (and I could be wrong) that a first-timer would really have to think about what he was doing before jumping into it. Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 One of the most difficult lessons I am learning from this A is how how many "nice people" are not actually all that nice. It's profoundly disillusioning to realize how many people lie with ease to those they profess to love. I know not everyone does it, but it's sometimes difficult not to become cynical about love, marriage, and monogamy when one is confronted with how much deception is going on out there. So when you find yourself in an intimate relationship with someone, based on an image of them that they helped create, and then learn that the image was false? That's a tough pill to swallow. I'm sure any BS would tell you just how tough. Not to mention having to re-evaluate your own ability to make decisions and judgements where relationships are concerned. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 I wonder if my MM is lying about this to me as well. Reason I saw this is because he really had no hesitation about getting into the A, and I would think (and I could be wrong) that a first-timer would really have to think about what he was doing before jumping into it. Tauriel: You read my mind. He seemed to have no hesitation about starting the A, and he had "game," if you know what I mean. Knew how to get the ball rolling. Didn't seem nervous at all. He has that remote history, but you'd still think that he would be conflicted about what to do, if he'd managed to be monogamous for 19 years, as he claims. Also, he is very adept at avoiding detection. Knows how to scrub his phone, keeps his phone unlocked to avoid arousing suspicion, knows to pay cash for everything, etc. There are other things, as well, that have given me pause. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Omg I don't know how on earth you can stand not telling his wife after all that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 One other thing lately...there is a woman he works with at another location. He socializes with her after work occasionally, as part of a group (so he says. He also claims she is older and not very attractive.) He told me the other day that she refers to herself as his "work wife." Excuse me? The only thing that keeps me from thinking he's also sleeping with her is that there just aren't enough hours in the day. But that doesn't mean he didn't do it once or twice, or that he hasn't in the past. Link to post Share on other sites
lookingforclosure Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 One of the most difficult lessons I am learning from this A is how how many "nice people" are not actually all that nice. It's profoundly disillusioning to realize how many people lie with ease to those they profess to love. I know not everyone does it, but it's sometimes difficult not to become cynical about love, marriage, and monogamy when one is confronted with how much deception is going on out there. So when you find yourself in an intimate relationship with someone, based on an image of them that they helped create, and then learn that the image was false? That's a tough pill to swallow. I'm sure any BS would tell you just how tough. Not to mention having to re-evaluate your own ability to make decisions and judgements where relationships are concerned. Grapes: This is exactly how I am feeling right now...the upstanding man in the community everyone sees the perfect image of "family man" great husband, when it comes down to it he's not really all that much of a nice person. I'm trying to see him for who is really is, and that is a hard pill to swallow I will tell you. It's hard to forget the person he was while he was with me...what's harder is wondering if he was ever truly that person EVER. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 Grapes: This is exactly how I am feeling right now...the upstanding man in the community everyone sees the perfect image of "family man" great husband, when it comes down to it he's not really all that much of a nice person. I'm trying to see him for who is really is, and that is a hard pill to swallow I will tell you. It's hard to forget the person he was while he was with me...what's harder is wondering if he was ever truly that person EVER. And once you realize that he probably never was that person, the next question becomes: How/why did I allow myself to be fooled? How can I avoid allowing that to happen again the future? Some people go to that place of, "I'm done with men/women. I'm done wtih love." I don't think I could ever be done wtih love, so I need to "fix my picker." Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 Boy was I wrong about my ex MM. We broke up a couple months ago because he wanted to work on his marriage and I respected it completely. At the time I still thought we had the great "love of all loves" and the timing and circumstances were just off. I still thought he was my soulmate and thought so highly of him. We had the most intense emotional connection and although all the stories of married men seemed similar to mine I really thought that we were the exception and he really fell in love with me. Well I made the mistake of checking one of his social media accounts just to make sure he is ok and the whole time we have been broken up (a couple months) he has been talking to another woman and is in a relationship with her. So much for working on his marriage! The funny thing he is actually trying to work on his marriage at the same time (at least according to his wife's instagram he is) He is feeding her the same lines I once heard of course and telling her how he has never felt this way blah blah blah. I am completely devastated that the whole year of our "relationship" was basically a lie and how he was able to completely forget about me and never even thinks about me anymore but at the same time I think I needed this to move on with my life and see him for the person he is. I'm curious to know how he has all that on his social media account and how come his wife or friends aren't seeing this? So he has a profile or something with him and another woman where you can see him saying he loves her etc? In any case, I'm sorry you found that out but as you said and as others have also mentioned, it's probably for the best! Many affairs end on a "if only" note or cliffhanger where people think if it were just a different circumstance it would all work out and so the hope never dies completely, whereas for you you will be free of any relapse based on hope and can move on realizing that he is not "the one", and like I mentioned in another thread, no MM is you soulmate and last chance at love 9/10 times, even if it feels that way. It's best to look at actions and the circumstances and what and how it fits into your life than just how you feel or think you feel. I wish you all the best in moving forward! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 I think there can be a misconception sometimes in affairs. The mistake made is that the MM must think the OW is soooo special, because after all he is risking his marriage to be with her. Whilst sometimes that may be true, or it may be true to an extent, there is no real reason to think that must always be the case. Affairs are just like other relationships, sometimes real lasting love is involved, and other times it just isn't. This is such a great point! I've always thought this too. I'm like, if when you're dating normally not everyone you have a relationship with is necessarily a deep lasting love, why should it be different in affairs? Why is it offensive to suggest maybe it's not? Of course it's possible it could be and it's not like it NEVER happens, but the whole soulmate, no more fish in the sea, ultimate connection gets so played up in affairs (probably like you said because the person is married it is easier to think they must be doing this because of a once in a lifetime feeling) versus the more mundane reality which is that like any other relationship, there are varying degrees of feelings involved and you can date someone for a while then it's over and you move on, same with the A. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 This is such a great point! I've always thought this too. I'm like, if when you're dating normally not everyone you have a relationship with is necessarily a deep lasting love, why should it be different in affairs? Why is it offensive to suggest maybe it's not? Of course it's possible it could be and it's not like it NEVER happens, but the whole soulmate, no more fish in the sea, ultimate connection gets so played up in affairs (probably like you said because the person is married it is easier to think they must be doing this because of a once in a lifetime feeling) versus the more mundane reality which is that like any other relationship, there are varying degrees of feelings involved and you can date someone for a while then it's over and you move on, same with the A. This is a solid point. I think it also happens, in part, because As are, by their very nature, limited and incomplete relationships, based on a common desire to break the rules and work around an obstacle. One is always left wanting more. "if only we could really be together, then..." This can easily create the illusion that you are Romeo & Juliet, star-crossed lovers destined to be together if it weren't for the obstacles put in place by cruel circumstance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tauriel Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 Tauriel: You read my mind. He seemed to have no hesitation about starting the A, and he had "game," if you know what I mean. Knew how to get the ball rolling. Didn't seem nervous at all. He has that remote history, but you'd still think that he would be conflicted about what to do, if he'd managed to be monogamous for 19 years, as he claims. Also, he is very adept at avoiding detection. Knows how to scrub his phone, keeps his phone unlocked to avoid arousing suspicion, knows to pay cash for everything, etc. There are other things, as well, that have given me pause. That would send up red flags all over the place, to my mind. Of course, I always see things from my own POV and how I would handle it. I've never been in the position of being married and "tempted", but I think that if I had been (or am in the future), I would really struggle with it for a long time. It would be very difficult for me to hide, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 That would send up red flags all over the place, to my mind. Of course, I always see things from my own POV and how I would handle it. I've never been in the position of being married and "tempted", but I think that if I had been (or am in the future), I would really struggle with it for a long time. It would be very difficult for me to hide, too. I was in an exit EA at the end of my marriage. He lived hundreds of miles away and we conducted the A through electronic means. My ex-H ultimately found out about it, and our M quickly unraveled. I had an opportunity to turn it into a PA one time. Once we were undressed, I just started sobbing. Weeping uncontrollably. The crushing realization of what I was doing and that it meant my marriage was over was overwhelming. We did not consummate our relationship and I went to a hotel. So I can honestly say that I don't know how a WS can so calmly and assuredly become physically intimate with someone else, unless it's something they've been doing routinely for years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tauriel Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 I was in an exit EA at the end of my marriage. He lived hundreds of miles away and we conducted the A through electronic means. My ex-H ultimately found out about it, and our M quickly unraveled. I was separated when I met a really nice single man. We never had a PA. I was going to get divorced anyway, right? Still couldn't do it until the ink was dry. The single guy got sick of my sh*t and told me to take a hike (said it nicely). When you're wired for monogamy, it's a very tough habit to break. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 I wonder if my MM is lying about this to me as well. Reason I saw this is because he really had no hesitation about getting into the A, and I would think (and I could be wrong) that a first-timer would really have to think about what he was doing before jumping into it. Yeah, mine seemed to have the ground rules all laid out and wanted them clear before anything started, it felt like he'd BTDT before. He said he'd "known people" who it went sour for without the rules, and didn't want the same thing to happen to us. Yeah, right. Damn that hindsight. Link to post Share on other sites
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