At wits end - how to handle ???

[RosieRo]

Hi all,

 

Been lurking a while, so much great info here. I'm posting now as I am at my wits end with my husband. Overall, we have a pretty easy going , fun relationship - as long as I don't try to talk about anything 'adult' like. Money, kids, house, etc. He just can't handle anything adult like. Basically, I manage everything. If I don't bring it up, it will never get done or discussed. Basically, at this point I'm convinced that if it wasn't for me, he'd still be living in his parent's basement and barely working. He just can't really get things done and doesn't seem to have the drive/desire to.

 

So, anyway.. we've been together for over 10 years, married over 5. Over the years, I have tried and tried and TRIED different things to give him space to grow on his own. I refuse to pick up where his parents left off and just baby him and do everything for him. His mother still does that, I have asked her to ease off and let him do things himself. He is crippled in his adult life now (40 years old) and has only shown small signs of improvement over the years.

 

So, I really don't know what to do. I have tried everything, giving him space, walking him through things, hand holding, tough love, etc. NOTHING helps. If I don't swoop in micromanage things, he falls apart. Or, his mother starts doing things for him again without me knowing. We just bought a house and I'm already having a hard time getting him to participate as an adult with me. It is like he acts like my child rather than my partner, my husband. Its awful.

 

I'm worried about our future. I've already lost so much of myself in this situation, I sometimes feel as if I have given up on everything. Even my wants/needs/dreams. So, basically I see a few possible outcomes here:

1. I control him completely like his mother did all his life (NOT HAPPENING)

2. I give up

3. he grows up (unlikely as it has already been over 10 years!)

 

I know relationships are about balance and that is the problem. There is no balance. I am responsible for EVERYTHING. It all falls on me because he can't handle anything. The small tasks he is responsible for, he fails at. He cannot remember or do things on his own. He has to be told and told 3-4 times EVERY DAMN TIME.

 

This is why I don't want to have children with him. I'm already stressed and feel so much pressure with things already, I cannot imagine brining a child into the mix. Plus, I cannot lean on him financially and I am self employed, complicating things further. I don't want to have kids just to have them. I'd want to be able to give them a good life and I don't feel I can by myself. I do feel as if I am by myself in this marriage.

 

Sighh.. sorry for the rambling. Any thoughts on how to handle this? I would love to see him grow and thrive , but it is just not happening. :/

 

Thanks in advance

[Rainbowlove]

Hi all,

 

Been lurking a while, so much great info here. I'm posting now as I am at my wits end with my husband. Overall, we have a pretty easy going , fun relationship - as long as I don't try to talk about anything 'adult' like. Money, kids, house, etc. He just can't handle anything adult like. Basically, I manage everything. If I don't bring it up, it will never get done or discussed. Basically, at this point I'm convinced that if it wasn't for me, he'd still be living in his parent's basement and barely working. He just can't really get things done and doesn't seem to have the drive/desire to.

 

So, anyway.. we've been together for over 10 years, married over 5. Over the years, I have tried and tried and TRIED different things to give him space to grow on his own. I refuse to pick up where his parents left off and just baby him and do everything for him. His mother still does that, I have asked her to ease off and let him do things himself. He is crippled in his adult life now (40 years old) and has only shown small signs of improvement over the years.

 

So, I really don't know what to do. I have tried everything, giving him space, walking him through things, hand holding, tough love, etc. NOTHING helps. If I don't swoop in micromanage things, he falls apart. Or, his mother starts doing things for him again without me knowing. We just bought a house and I'm already having a hard time getting him to participate as an adult with me. It is like he acts like my child rather than my partner, my husband. Its awful.

 

I'm worried about our future. I've already lost so much of myself in this situation, I sometimes feel as if I have given up on everything. Even my wants/needs/dreams. So, basically I see a few possible outcomes here:

1. I control him completely like his mother did all his life (NOT HAPPENING)

2. I give up

3. he grows up (unlikely as it has already been over 10 years!)

 

I know relationships are about balance and that is the problem. There is no balance. I am responsible for EVERYTHING. It all falls on me because he can't handle anything. The small tasks he is responsible for, he fails at. He cannot remember or do things on his own. He has to be told and told 3-4 times EVERY DAMN TIME.

 

This is why I don't want to have children with him. I'm already stressed and feel so much pressure with things already, I cannot imagine brining a child into the mix. Plus, I cannot lean on him financially and I am self employed, complicating things further. I don't want to have kids just to have them. I'd want to be able to give them a good life and I don't feel I can by myself. I do feel as if I am by myself in this marriage.

 

Sighh.. sorry for the rambling. Any thoughts on how to handle this? I would love to see him grow and thrive , but it is just not happening. :/

 

Thanks in advance

 

He's 40. If it hasn't happened by now, it's probably not going to happen.

 

You already know this.

 

I've had similar problems with my partner. She's educated and has a great job, but she's not at all domesticated. I thought she would eventually grow into this person as time went on. We met when she was 19 and we're now together 20 years.

 

She hasn't changed much in that department. I do most of the cooking, cleaning and other chores.

 

She litterally has to be asked to do stuff. It stinks, b/c you'd like your partner to just pitch in, but she just doesn't see the dirt and clutter the way I do b/c we grew up differently. My level of mess doesn't match hers.

 

So I have had to accept that it's mostly on me and not get irriated b/c I have to accept this part of her.

 

When I'm tired and frustrated, I ask her to pitch in more and she does. When I don't mind, I do most of it without much fuss.

 

You have to find what you can deal with and accept and what you can't.

 

Has he tried counseling?

[CarrieT]

I had a BF exactly like this...

 

We met in my late 20s. Within a year we were living together. The thing was, he couldn't drive, didn't know how to operate a computer, and couldn't be responsible for anything.

 

I begged, cajoled, pleaded. When it came to the driving, he always told me he never learned to drive because he couldn't afford a car anyway. Well, my brother-in-law gave him a car. Yep - there was another excuse.

 

And, like you, it took me until I was 40 to realize this guy was never going to change. At that point in our relationship (thank goodness we never married), I was working three jobs to keep our lifestyle afloat. Our lifestyle, by the way, was buying him musical equipment for some potential gig, lots of CDs, and lots of books to read - oh, and the occasional meal in a restaurant. No travel or anything like that.

 

The bottom line is that I had to break up with him, but didn't want to. I just wanted him to be responsible for himself. And he couldn't be.

 

Honestly, OP, I did what I had to do for my sanity and future, because I had none with this guy. And now - ten years later - I am in a lovely, healthy marriage (just last year, at the age of 50!). But my Ex? He is still somewhat the same; can't drive but working as a night-stock clerk at Target to pay some rent. And has *just* bought his first computer and obtained his *first* email address - at the age of 50...

 

You might have to cut and run - just to survive on your own!

[darkmoon]

if you saw that post as an outsider, like i am, the outsider would say divorce and soon, you want our permission, yes, i for one say - go - he is not husband material

[Rainbowlove]

I would love to see him grow and thrive

 

Lastly, motivation to succeed comes within one's self.

 

There's nothing you can do to change him. He has to change himself and want to.

 

If you continue on this way, you'll likely become a nag and resentful of him and your marriage.

 

If he's not open to counseling, call it quits.

[Lunay]

You sound like my sister! She was in the same situation, except they have 2 children.

She was responsible for practically everything. She had spoken to him and given him A LOT of chances. They were together 15 years.

They are now separated and she is extremely happy. I don't suggest having children with this guy, he is not going to change. I would start getting your ducks in order to separate. You deserve someone who will compliment your life not make it difficult. You are NOT his mother!

Let her pick up his broken pieces when you kick him out, because that's what he is used to.

If threatening divorce or kicking him out doesn't scare him into becoming an adult, nothing will.

[RosieRo]

Thanks everyone..

It might sound insensitive, but I start thinking of it like this: Relationships are about balance. What does he offer me to balance out everything I do for us? He is very loving and supportive emotionally.. it is just the practical stuff he cannot handle. Most days I don't feel as if what he does/offers is enough to balance as I always feel pressured and stressed handling all the responsibility for both of us. I hate, HATE being the type of person that is always on someone's back. It is NOT ME. He makes me have to be like that. Asking him 3-4 times to take out the trash. Reminding him 5 times to make a call, pay a bill, etc. I hate it!!! I'm willing to try new strategies before I call it quits, I'm just out of ideas! haha

We did some pre-marital counseling and although he didn't want to go (due to slight paranoia), the entire sessions were all about him.. haha, go figure!

[RosieRo]

Honestly, I think he has a learning disability. No joke. He cannot learn/comprehend things. When we really talk he apologies and is sincere but yet the very next day he just cannot get it together. It is bizarre. How the heck do I make this better???

[CarrieT]

How the heck do I make this better???

As others have said:

 

You can't change him. You can either learn to live and accept with who and what he is or - the alternative - don't accept it and move on, as hard as that may be.

[Rainbowlove]

Honestly, I think he has a learning disability. No joke. He cannot learn/comprehend things. When we really talk he apologies and is sincere but yet the very next day he just cannot get it together. It is bizarre. How the heck do I make this better???

 

He could have a learning disability and mommy picked up on it early and instead of getting him early intervention help, she just coddled him and enabled him.

 

Maybe he needs medication or something.

 

Explore all possibility before calling it quits. If he's loving and emotionally there for you, that's something. Some men can't manage that...ya know?

[loveboid]

Could it be that he has low level, undiagnosed autism and that without knowing this is how his mother handled it? Autistic kids have to be shown how to do something over and over again.

 

Or undiagnosed ADHD, or dyslexia that brought his self confidence down? You could ask him to go get tested. If it's something like that then you could leave knowing he's getting help. Otherwise, he can get help from his mom.

[davidromero43]

Life is short. Unhappy life is shorter.

 

So depend on him like a pet. You do not expect the dog to do anything like chores. He is not going to do them. Don't stress yourself out trying to force him to do them. Do the chores and go get a spa day with your girlfriends. Have a limo pick you and your BF up to go to a fancy new club. Live life for yourself. Get your nails done. Get a spray tan. Make yourself happy. At some point he can either get on board and become a real husband. Or you will have moved past him, and he can move back to his parents basement.

[RosieRo]

Yes, I am starting to think he has some type of undiagnosed situation going on. Plus, his mother is an OCD, passive aggressive nightmare. She abused him a lot. Never let him do anything, and when he did do something she called him names and/or beat him. Horrible. Awful and most likely made whatever disability he might have WORSE. I do see clearly how this has affected him , but also like.. you are an adult. Time to get it together and pull yourself out of it. Plenty of people had horrible childhoods (myself included) and managed to pull themselves out of it! I just don't know if I want to 'force' him to goto counseling and then have to remind him, stay on top of him, etc etc. Sighhhh its just exhausting !

[Rainbowlove]

Yes, I am starting to think he has some type of undiagnosed situation going on. Plus, his mother is an OCD, passive aggressive nightmare. She abused him a lot. Never let him do anything, and when he did do something she called him names and/or beat him. Horrible. Awful and most likely made whatever disability he might have WORSE. I do see clearly how this has affected him , but also like.. you are an adult. Time to get it together and pull yourself out of it. Plenty of people had horrible childhoods (myself included) and managed to pull themselves out of it! I just don't know if I want to 'force' him to goto counseling and then have to remind him, stay on top of him, etc etc. Sighhhh its just exhausting !

 

Could he also have depression?

 

Sounds it.

 

This is marriage. He has a problem. You could turn and walk away, or you could nudge and guide him to seek help.

 

If you love him, if you truly love him, you'll not turn away from him until you've turned over every stone.

 

It doesn't sound to me like you've exhausted every possibility.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes, I am starting to think he has some type of undiagnosed situation going on.

 

Has he ever been tested? Could be dyslexic, attention deficit, spectrum disorder, etc. You would be doing him - and yourself - a huge service were you able to get an accurate diagnosis.

 

Can you give some specific examples of his behaviors?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lunay]

Ugggh. He is 40 years old! Maybe he has a disability??? Really?? You've been with him how long and not really noticed that he might have a disability? It's an excuse and if you even suggest that he might have one, it will become his new excuse for everything. His mother is the enabler here, she made him this way and he is lazy and doesn't know how to do anything for himself because no one has made him do it! You will never be able to make him do anything for himself either, because if you don't his mother will.

 

People only change because they want to. He may give you the I feel bad sob story when you confronted him in the past but actions speak louder than words. He does not have a disability, he is used to not having to do a thing or have any responsibility. Who on earth would want to change that?? Jeez, I wish I could leave everything up to my spouse and mother. Life would be so easy.

[RosieRo]

Thanks, very good points!

 

With anything really, I have to tell him 3-4 times before he comprehends it and then he most likely will forget the next day.

 

If I ask him to make a call, for example, it will take at least 3-4 times of asking him if he made the call over the next few days/week before I say "just call now so you don't forget!". lol

 

It took him about 5 years to understand the concept of picking things up that you drop. I was just beside myself. He would drop food in the kitchen and JUST LEAVE IT THERE. Gross. One time our cat got very sick because he ate something poisonous to cats that he just left on the floor. Even after that, he still did not get it. It took another time of the cat getting sick for it to finally sink in. The thing is, he ADORES the cat and was 'heartbroken' that he made him sick. But, he STILL continued to do it! I was like.. am I really having this conversation right now??!! Is it just laziness? Not important to him? Or does he really not have the ability to learn? Imagine if that was a child!!!

 

 

But yet, he could tell you his entire schedule without even looking at it. He runs a biz with 5-6 employees with all different schedules. He knows it without even looking. Pretty amazing! Why can't he apply that to other areas of his life???

[Lunay]

Thanks, very good points!

 

With anything really, I have to tell him 3-4 times before he comprehends it and then he most likely will forget the next day.

 

If I ask him to make a call, for example, it will take at least 3-4 times of asking him if he made the call over the next few days/week before I say "just call now so you don't forget!". lol

 

It took him about 5 years to understand the concept of picking things up that you drop. I was just beside myself. He would drop food in the kitchen and JUST LEAVE IT THERE. Gross. One time our cat got very sick because he ate something poisonous to cats that he just left on the floor. Even after that, he still did not get it. It took another time of the cat getting sick for it to finally sink in. The thing is, he ADORES the cat and was 'heartbroken' that he made him sick. But, he STILL continued to do it! I was like.. am I really having this conversation right now??!! Is it just laziness? Not important to him? Or does he really not have the ability to learn? Imagine if that was a child!!!

 

 

But yet, he could tell you his entire schedule without even looking at it. He runs a biz with 5-6 employees with all different schedules. He knows it without even looking. Pretty amazing! Why can't he apply that to other areas of his life???

 

Very confusing. Sounds almost like his short term memory is off, but if that is the case then I doubt he could work successfully.

He needs to be assessed, maybe marriage counselling to help get to the bottom of what his issues really are.

[Hope Shimmers]

Can I ask what possibly motivated you to marry this pillar of responsibility? Has he always been this way?

 

It sounds a lot like adult ADHD, honestly.

 

You won't change him, but if there is something organic going on, it might be treatable to some extent. Worth the evaluation since you've invested this much into the relationship.

 

His mother definitely is a problem. I can relate to that somewhat in that my (now ex) mother in law was doing everything for my (now ex) husband when I married him (he was over 30 at the time). She was still ironing his socks and underwear. I told him he was free to have ironed socks and underwear but he was going to have to do it himself.

[RosieRo]

@Hope Shimmers Ha! Going to sound cliche here but.. I did marry him because I love him. It was not a rational decision, it was very emotional/spiritual decision to marry him. Honestly, I did not think of the practical side of things. Day to day we get along great, have tons of fun together, etc. As long as I don't try to talk/accomplish anything adult. I see that now as a huge problem. Back then, I didn't see it as much as he always talked about a house, kids, family, etc. I thought we were on the same page. He claims he 'wants' those things but just can't get it together enough to have them.

 

Now that I am older and have seen how crippled he is in his life, I don't know if would have married him. Because now I see that we are very different people. And also, for me personally, I am much less of a romantic now compared to what I used to be. I am more of a realist now. I saw my life going in a much different direction. I think now, if I was with a different type of man, more stable, I would have probably had children by now. I have my own issues and thoughts about having children.. but the truth is, if I had a partner that was stronger, I probably would feel more at ease into taking the plunge. With him it goes from 'maybe I'll have kids' to 'absolutely NOT.' But, it is getting to the point that I am feeling like I personally wasted so much time with him that my time to have kids is pretty much over (I'm 39).. so I'm just trying to make the best life possible with the choices I have made. I'm not DYING to have kids, it was always a maybe for me. This is the direction my life has gone and I cannot blame him for that. At the end of the day, I made decisions to stay ... and that part is all on me.

[sandylee1]

Does he have a job? Because people have to remember things in work. Their meetings, to check emails or whatever.

 

Personally, I would talk to him. Tell him all the good things, so you start on a positive note, then explain how his inability to do these basic tasks is affecting you. You needto let him know that despite how individuals are different, that he needs to take some basic responsibility because leaving it all to you is honestly getting you down.

 

You can give him examplesof what you mean. Tell him that whilst it didn't initially appear to be as much of a problem to you earlier in the marriage, it is increasingly becoming difficult and if he doesn't start working on this, you really don't know if this marriage will be forever.

 

He can do thinks like set reminders if it's just his memory, but leaving food on the floor is just common sense. There are a wide range of individuals, but there is a degree of what most consider normal. If he has friends, tell him to ask his friends if his behaviour is acceptable.

 

His behaviour is going to wear you down as time goes on and we loose patience as we get older. You'll be bitter about all the years you've picked up his mess and he will actually become worse as he gets older.

 

Only you can decide when enough is enough.