Hits below the belt.

[love1336x]

Have anyone experience this before you get into a disagreement with the person you're dating, or married to, and they will say or do anything to win the disagreement even at the cost of making you feel dumb and worthless?

 

My friend boyfriend does that a lot to her. It could be her wanting to spend time with me, and he will drag her through the mug and tell her, "why you even need to see her? After everything I do for you"

 

I dunno, how do you deal with a person like that? Is there any hope for change?

[jen1447]

Ha, I like your number.

 

Who's "her?"

[love1336x]

My friend boyfriend... does it to her...

Try to be controlling

[Redhead14]

Have anyone experience this before you get into a disagreement with the person you're dating, or married to, and they will say or do anything to win the disagreement even at the cost of making you feel dumb and worthless?

 

My friend boyfriend does that a lot to her. It could be her wanting to spend time with me, and he will drag her through the mug and tell her, "why you even need to see her? After everything I do for you"

 

I dunno, how do you deal with a person like that? Is there any hope for change?

 

Is there any hope for change? Only if she changes who her boyfriend is. No one makes me feel dumb and worthless. No one controls how I feel about myself. How I feel about myself never changes and if someone is attempting to control me that way, I take control and remove them from my world.

[jen1447]

I dunno, how do you deal with a person like that? Is there any hope for change?

I'd just tell him to stfu. As for your friend, she has to find the self-respect in herself to not tolerate that behavior and act accordingly.

[d0nnivain]

I used to be that person. Then I grew up & learned to fight fair. Sometimes it's tough to bite your tongue. Counting to 10 or for me sometimes walking around the block help.

 

My husband & I were at a marriage communications weekend. The counselor asked how we fight. DH said we don't. The counselor pressed, saying everyone fights. DH explained that based on our professional training (he's a Marine) we both only know one way to fight -- to the death, him literally, me figuratively -- so we don't because we understand there will be no coming back from an emotional knock down drag out; better not to start it.

 

We'll disagree; we have even been known to do so at the top of our lungs. We have substitute phrases we throw at the other one to know they are getting close to crossing a line. The most common when somebody is angry is "You're being a big meanie & I'm going for a walk / out / over there". It's code for leave me the F alone or else. We both believe retreat is the better part of valor so we always give the other that option because the one time we didn't it got very ugly & we both threatened divorce.

 

People can be taught how to fight fair. There are books. There are classes. It's a skill. It can be learned.

 

Good luck teaching your SO

[Satu]

I've made a commitment to never using violent language.

 

By 'violent' I mean language that disrespects, demeans, or insults the other person.

 

It never helps.

[Redhead14]

I used to be that person. Then I grew up & learned to fight fair. Sometimes it's tough to bite your tongue. Counting to 10 or for me sometimes walking around the block help.

 

My husband & I were at a marriage communications weekend. The counselor asked how we fight. DH said we don't. The counselor pressed, saying everyone fights. DH explained that based on our professional training (he's a Marine) we both only know one way to fight -- to the death, him literally, me figuratively -- so we don't because we understand there will be no coming back from an emotional knock down drag out; better not to start it.

 

We'll disagree; we have even been known to do so at the top of our lungs. We have substitute phrases we throw at the other one to know they are getting close to crossing a line. The most common when somebody is angry is "You're being a big meanie & I'm going for a walk / out / over there". It's code for leave me the F alone or else. We both believe retreat is the better part of valor so we always give the other that option because the one time we didn't it got very ugly & we both threatened divorce.

 

People can be taught how to fight fair. There are books. There are classes. It's a skill. It can be learned.

 

Good luck teaching your SO

 

My ex husband and I always agreed . . . just at different times

[love1336x]

I'd just tell him to stfu. As for your friend, she has to find the self-respect in herself to not tolerate that behavior and act accordingly.

 

Hmm she's never been known to have healthy relationships.

But this one out of all the others seem to be the least non toxic ones.

I mean, he pays her bills, takes her out, always kissing her feet, but when comes to playing fair in a fight, he always turn into another man. O_o I personally find it scary, and I dunno wanting to see if others had that type of situation in their life.

[love1336x]

I've made a commitment to never using violent language.

 

By 'violent' I mean language that disrespects, demeans, or insults the other person.

 

It never helps.

 

 

 

How do you...... fight then?

I feel... everyone... I've ever been with uses "violent" language.

Though recently, I've changed a bit. I don't get down and dirty anymore. I simply used one of the methods that my ex boyfriend taught me. Instead of yelling and acting the fool and trying to make my SO feel bad.

I shut down emotionally. I become really quiet and give one word answers, or simply ignored the person until my temper has cooled down. Which takes about an hour. I will watch my favorite t.v shows, do some home work, whatever take my mind off of the problem, then heading back with a clear mind and talk like a normal person.

 

 

So far, it has worked on my part, because I am not making my SO feel like crap. Though sometimes I can't lie... when I had enough of B.S I will give ONE hit below the belt.

[love1336x]

I used to be that person. Then I grew up & learned to fight fair. Sometimes it's tough to bite your tongue. Counting to 10 or for me sometimes walking around the block help.

 

My husband & I were at a marriage communications weekend. The counselor asked how we fight. DH said we don't. The counselor pressed, saying everyone fights. DH explained that based on our professional training (he's a Marine) we both only know one way to fight -- to the death, him literally, me figuratively -- so we don't because we understand there will be no coming back from an emotional knock down drag out; better not to start it.

 

We'll disagree; we have even been known to do so at the top of our lungs. We have substitute phrases we throw at the other one to know they are getting close to crossing a line. The most common when somebody is angry is "You're being a big meanie & I'm going for a walk / out / over there". It's code for leave me the F alone or else. We both believe retreat is the better part of valor so we always give the other that option because the one time we didn't it got very ugly & we both threatened divorce.

 

People can be taught how to fight fair. There are books. There are classes. It's a skill. It can be learned.

 

Good luck teaching your SO

 

Wow, I wished I Knew you in real life.

I want to really learned this method. It sounds really good, and useful.

All my life growing up, watching my mother yelled at my step father. Watching my step father break, destroy house hold items when he fought with my mother. Breaking anything that she loved, or wanting.

I feel I never really learned any other way beside acting the fool.

 

 

Thank you.

[Satu]

*How do you...... fight then?

 

We don't fight - we negotiate for as long as it takes to come to a mutually acceptable solution.

 

Adults can do that if they really want to

[jen1447]

Hmm she's never been known to have healthy relationships.

But this one out of all the others seem to be the least non toxic ones.

I mean, he pays her bills, takes her out, always kissing her feet, but when comes to playing fair in a fight, he always turn into another man. O_o I personally find it scary, and I dunno wanting to see if others had that type of situation in their life.

 

The kissing her feet and being nasty don't seem to go hand in hand. (Usually controllers are all about keeping the upper hand, not being submissive.) Maybe it's not as bad as it seems? Altho I don't like the verbal mistreatment of her under any circumstances.

[Satu]

This is my self-created guiding principle for relating to the people in my life.

 

"I only give the best of myself to others. The less than best, I work on in my own time."

 

I live by that and it works very well for me.

[GoBlue]

Yes - people can change. They usually need help to understand how desperately change is needed though. The first step is awareness and that's where your friend's response is so important. People usually act in an unacceptable fashion because others allow them to do so.

[love1336x]

We don't fight - we negotiate for as long as it takes to come to a mutually acceptable solution.

 

Adults can do that if they really want to

 

 

 

Can you please explain more?

Can you give example?

Like say, there is dirty dishes, and neither one of you want to clean it. How would that be resolved?

[love1336x]

Yes - people can change. They usually need help to understand how desperately change is needed though. The first step is awareness and that's where your friend's response is so important. People usually act in an unacceptable fashion because others allow them to do so.

 

Hmm very true.

She's very submissive in the situation. She doesn't really tell him she doesn't like how he acts.

[d0nnivain]

Can you please explain more?

Can you give example?

Like say, there is dirty dishes, and neither one of you want to clean it. How would that be resolved?

 

You make the agreement in advance. Or you say I cooked can you please clean? Or if I do the dishes tonight will you do them tomorrow?

 

You don't have a relationship ending fight about this stuff.

 

Another option pay someone else to do the dishes.

[Satu]

Can you please explain more?

Can you give example?

*Like say, there is dirty dishes, and neither one of you want to clean it. How would that be resolved?

 

Option 1 - Do them together.

 

Option 2 - Toss a coin.

 

Option 3 - Leave them until somebody feels like doing it.

 

I haven't had an argument with anyone in years, but I've had lots of hugs and kisses

 

My priority is being in a loving and peaceful state of being.

 

That's the only thing that isn't negotiable. Lol.

[love1336x]

You make the agreement in advance. Or you say I cooked can you please clean? Or if I do the dishes tonight will you do them tomorrow?

 

You don't have a relationship ending fight about this stuff.

 

Another option pay someone else to do the dishes.

 

Lol, my step father would break all the dishes if he was asked to clean them.

My mother would only clean the broken pieces because she didn't want us getting cut. But yea, that should have lead to ending a relationship at that point in the game, don't you think?

[regine_phalange]

Have anyone experience this before you get into a disagreement with the person you're dating, or married to, and they will say or do anything to win the disagreement even at the cost of making you feel dumb and worthless?

 

My friend boyfriend does that a lot to her. It could be her wanting to spend time with me, and he will drag her through the mug and tell her, "why you even need to see her? After everything I do for you"

 

I dunno, how do you deal with a person like that? Is there any hope for change?

 

You call them out on their nonsense and demand they converse with you with the biggest amount of logic they have handy. If they ignore it, then there's not much hope!