House-Mortgage, Bills and Husband Baby Fever. What would you do if you my situation?

[thestaircase]

Hello, sorry for the long post. Please advice on what would you do if you in my situation. It just so many things going on at once, and I don't know how which is the best solution to all this.

 

We are an Interracial couple. I'm Chinese, my husband is Black. Met him when I was 26, dated when I was 28 and we married three months ago, and I'm 30 this year.

 

This whole relationship was alot of hardship because of my Chinese mother disapproval. But her disapproval doesn't matter anymore because we married now.

Finally we can be together, I do want some 'couple time' alone with him before I bring a baby into the picture.

 

When we date he work 1 job, now we married he working 2 jobs so we can have enough money for a house.

I told him we should try to pay our house; half in Cash, half in Mortgage. So he is working alot right now so we can save up money as fast as we can.

I'm also working, but I work 1 job and it a hourly pay job with little commission, so I don't make much.

 

What bothering me is my husband won't have time for the baby. Because right now everyday he working 2 jobs, everyday 12-14 hours. So if now I'm pregnant, he won't be able to spend much time with the baby.

 

When my husband get off work, all he have time for is shower, eat and sleep and next day work long hours again.

And baby cries alot, if baby cries all night and we both have to keep wake up. Then it will disrupt his sleep, how he going to have enough sleep to work 12-14 hours next day? Hope this make sense.

 

It is too SELFISH of me that I want to hold back baby plan for the next few years? So that we can have a solid financial ground, so my husband can go back to work 1 job, and then we have a baby?

 

Seem like we need few more years to save up money. We do have money saving in both our Saving accounts. But we will use it to buy a house, and have monthly Mortgage and Bills to pay. Added in a baby which going to be more money.

I really don't think it the right time to have a baby right now this year.

 

Eversince we married, my husband keep having baby fever. This month I'm late on my cycle, and he happy that I'm late. He be THRILLED if I'm pregnant!!

When he left to work, he kiss my stomach. He said take the pregnancy test and when I’m pregnant, he wants to kiss my stomach EVERYDAY for 9 Months until the baby born.

 

I can already tell our future baby will be spoil, not even born yet and already have daddy kisses everyday. And with the way he is I can tell that he will spoil his kids rotten.

 

We probably have cultural clashes when we raise our kids. I know I will be very strict to my kids. And him the Dad that will spoil his kids. The kids will always run to daddy daddy for everything because daddy spoil them.

 

I had take the pregnancy test, I'm not pregnant.

It my body still trying to get used to birth control pills since I'm newlywed. I take all my pills on time, exactly on the same time everyday. I never miss one pills, so I know I’m 99% safe. I am also NOT on any Antibiotics so it not messing up my BCP, it just this husband of mine keep wants a baby.

 

So if you were in my circumstances, what would you do? Hold up baby plans for couple years? I did promise him I'm going TTC in 2016 but now I want to hold up baby plan for few more years.

I am 30 year olds this year, I hope I still have some time to TTC, my husband is extremely confident that I can get pregnant at my age, lol

 

His plan is after we buy our house, he want to go back working 1 job. And we have our baby, he wants to be around the baby... I'm not even pregnant yet and he already have this much baby fever.

 

But my worried is when we have our house, we have to pay Mortgage and Bills, and with a baby will cost more money.

We both don't spend much, but we do want the best for the baby. Baby do cost ALOT right? If baby cost alot then he have to go back to work 2 jobs, then he won't be able to spend time with the baby. This is what I'm woried about.

 

Any tips? Baby advice? What would you do if you in my situation? How important is having a house before have a baby? It is a must?

I know he is a doting husband and he let me have things my way so I can be happy. I know if I told him I want to wait few more years before TTC, he probably will just go along with it just for me.

But then I know deep down inside he probably not happy, I can tell how much he want a baby.

And he is only 29 year olds, isn't that too young to be a father?

Edited April 24, 2015 by thestairs

[d0nnivain]

These are huge decisions but you have to make them TOGETHER.

 

Paying for a house half in cash is an admirable goal but may be unrealistic. I'd set a more modest one like having a 20% down payment, getting a smaller house & having a baby.

 

Sit down & lay all the money goals on the table. Set realistic goals. Do you have an e-fund? If not, you do that before you save for a house. Look at your spending. Where can you cut? If you are under employed, get a new job making more money.

 

Check out an on line community called TheNest.com - Home Buying Help - How To - Home Decorating Ideas - Free Recipes. Especially in the money category, those girls will whip you into fiscal shape.

[thestaircase]

It is not an unrealistic goal if you want to buy a small house.

We both are Financially independent since young age. And we both have been working for more than a decade so do have decent amount of money in both our Saving accounts. None of us are big spender.

 

I keep want to aim at paying the house half in Cash and this is hard. Maybe we should move to another state to buy a cheap house.

 

My husband would rather pay higher mortgage so we can have our baby and spend time as family.

But I said try to pay for the house half in cash. He said alright, anything I want. He let me have it my way so I can be happy, and he go pick up another job. Now he working long hours 2 jobs everyday.

I feel terrible, am I wrong in this? Perhaps we should just pay less down-payment instead of aim for 50%

 

Problem is this husband of mine always let me have things my way. When I said I prefer pay the house half in cash, he doesn't even argue. He go find another job, work his butt off 2 jobs to fulfill my prefer "pay house half in cash"

 

Thank you for your advice. I will talk to my husband more about this in the weekend.

 

Each of us have our saving account that we save our money from work, and we both work since we were 18

We didn't think of buy a house until now because we are married now.

And my husband thinks have a house is better for our future and our baby future.

 

When we were single and dating, it fine to live in a cheap rent bad area neighborhood so we can save money every month. But now married, of course we don't want to live there forever and raise a newborn baby there.

Edited April 24, 2015 by thestairs

[Hope Shimmers]

I am also NOT on any Antibiotics so it not messing up my BCP,

 

You are extremely responsible and intelligent; in my experience almost no one knows about this fact.

 

You are asking great questions but they need to be answered between you and your husband. If you want my opinion, I think you have the right idea in waiting a few years before having children. You are still both very young and a few more years will allow you to enjoy those first years of the baby even more.

 

Yes, babies are extremely expensive, and they can add a lot of stress especially if your husband is working so many hours.

 

I don't think for a second that it is necessary to own a house before having children. I didn't - I was in college (and married) at the time. We eventually bought a house but the child won't care - they just need love.

 

If only everyone thought these decisions through to the extent that you are. I am sure you will do great.

[spanz1]

it is a personal decision. but if I were you, I would wait. maybe buy a small fixer-upper house you guys could put some sweat equity into, and flip it in a year or so for a nicer house, one with a great school system.

[d0nnivain]

thestairs

 

You can buy a house at any age for any price. You don't have forever to have a baby & every year you wait after 30 the harder it gets & the more risks to the baby's health you encounter. I got all my financial ducks in a row 1st. By the time I was ready to have baby I no longer could. Think about that in the mix when you are making decisions.

 

I am not suggesting you go into insurmountable debt but you have to prioritize within the parameters of biology.

[loveboid]

Your baby won't know you're in a bad neighborhood for a few years. You could save up money in the meantime. If you were in a good or bad neighborhood, it doesn't matter, it's more important to have a loving father around. (Assuming he's a good father.) Bad things can still happen in a good neighborhood.

 

Him going back to one job after the birth would be great. A father this involved in the pregnancy, then birth and toddling years is a treasure. That's more important than money. You have enough money to raise a child, IMO. You and your husband will work to make sure of that.

 

Also something to think about...all of this work that your husband is doing...what is it all for? He should definitely have a strong relationship with his child. One of men's regrets is working so hard and not having a relationship with their children.

 

Whatever you do, I recommend that the father be included as close as possible in the pregnancy, birth, and raising of the kids. And it is my belief that spouse comes before kids.

 

Also I would downsize my house dreams to a townhouse. I'm not sure what you mean by a "house." I would get a townhouse in a great neighborhood, versus a house in a good neighborhood. Buy the neighborhood, not the house. A townhouse would be below your means and you could pay it off quick and live rent/mortgage free. How great would that be for your husband and your kid? Pretty great. There'd be a lot less stress and you could enjoy each other more. One of the things kids wish most for is that their parents aren't so stressed out.

[Els]

I honestly don't know ANYONE who put a 50% down payment on their house unless they were swimming in money. 20% is a lot more common, but obviously you also have to make sure the mortgage is well within your budget.

 

That being said, planning to conceive at 33 instead of 30 is not necessarily a bad idea, either. It's a completely fine age to have kids at, in all aspects (including medical and fertility). It all depends on what both of you agree upon.

[Vercetti]

Really want to front that much money for a liability? That money would be better served for saving / investing / emergency / things you and the baby need. Find a place conservative to live, perhaps look into a move where your funds and employment would offer greater stability / sustainability / standred of living. If lack at least six months of living expenses, that sort of buffer / safety net should be considered before dumping every expence a couple could on yourself at once. You want things to work, so establish the best foundation can for such.

[Lion Heart]

Thestairs

 

I'm a mother of 4 and find your approach very mature, sensible and practical. I also think it's wonderful that your H is so excited at the prospect of becoming a father. You guys rock!

 

I had wanted to buy a house before baby number 1 but family circumstances changed dramatically during pregnancy and we moved interstate. M dissolved soon after so just as well.

 

I worked very hard as a SP and bought 3 houses (kept 2) b4 this present H made MANY very bad financial decisions so way too much in debt now. Having twins and another baby soon after made childcare and working for me a no $ win situation for a long time.

 

I guess my point is this: if you have a good financial head then use it. Any preparation before children is just plain sensible.

You could have twins or triplets (as my sister-in-law) and even after the birth of your first baby, your maternal instincts may be such that you would prefer to be a SAHM for a while at least.

It's wonderful to create as many options as possible. You really need to follow your instincts on this.

 

I think you'll both make wonderful parents and I bet you will be nowhere as strict as you think now. Fruit spoils. Babies don't.

My 1st DD was born when I was 27yo. My twins at 37yo and DD at 39yo. As long as you keep an eye on things, you should be fine to fall pregnant at 33. Plus this time gives you more fun time as a couple - I hope! It would be nice if your H could cut back to 1 job to be the dad he seems to want to be after the baby comes.

 

I agree with other suggestions. But my property knowledge has always been to buy the worst house in the best street I could afford. It was great to double my money in 3 years. And those 3 houses were all fixer upperers. It's hard work but very worth it.

 

Whatever you decide, your love has already conquered a cultural divide, hopefully that's the most difficult issue you guys ever have.

 

Good luck.

Lion Heart.

[thestaircase]

Thank you Ms. Lion Heart for your blessing. And thank you all for giving me advice, I really appreciated.

 

Financially we doing okay, we are far from rich but we are not dirt poor.

Both of us have perfect credit scores. None of us have any kind of debt. None of us have Credit-card debt neither. Our whole life, we are debt-free. This does make me feel good.

 

I’m a college dropped out so no school debt for me. We both work, he works 2 jobs, I work 1 job. And what ever money we have left each month, it goes into our own saving accounts.

 

Right now we in live a cheap rent area neighrbohod, so it does help us alot in saving up more money each months. None of us are big spender, we both loves to save money. We both been working for more than a decade, so we do have an okay saving for our house.

 

It is NOT rare to see people who pay for the house half in Cash, half in Morgage. I see plenty of those do that in Texas, because the houses in Texas are cheap. There people who purposely move to Texas to live so they can buy cheap house there.

 

You can get a nice house in Texas for like $150,000 USD

But then me and my husband is not in Texas, and we have no intention of moving to Texas. The state where we live houses sure are not cheap, that is why he working 2 jobs.

 

I aim at 50% down-payment, becasue we not buying a big house. I prefer pay half in Cash, half in Mortgage. I always have this thinking that larger down payment will give us smaller monthly mortgage.

 

My husband aim at 20% down-payment and the rest is mortgage. He wants me to TTC in 2016 and we have our baby. He have baby fever. Perhaps I should go by his plan.

 

Our marriage seem fine so far, quite smooth actually.

We know each others 4 years already. And the whole time, our relationship is full of fidelity, there no third party between us.

We live in the same neighborhood that was how we met, dated and married. Our distance is very close, so we do see each others everyday. There isn't a day passed by that I don't see his face.

 

When you live in the same neighborhood, you see each others on the daily basic; so the sparks and flirting would died out fast. The honeymoon phase pretty much has been over for us since long time ago. I'm happy that he still find me attractive after he married me, let alone baby fever.

 

 

He is an affectionate and doting husband. We married and he still kiss my butt cheek everyday, does that count as he a doting husband? lol

He is responsible husband too, that is why he working 2 jobs everyday so we can buy a house.

 

I do have a cold childhood though. I have a Chinese mother who is very controlling and abusive to me and my older brother throughout our whole childhood.

This is why I worry that would this childhood experienced would have any negative effects on me when I become a mother.

 

I left my mother house when I was 18, I am 30 this year. It clearly that I don't have a close relationship with her at all.

I forgave her for what she did to me. I just wish that she would stop insulting me and give me a hard time everytime I come back home to visit my old father, the father that never abuse me. I do miss my old father alot.

 

Thank you for all advice, noted and appreciated.

I guess I shouldn't be stubborn and just stick with the 20% down-payment that my husband aim for, then problem be solve.

But then I keep have the thinking pay house half in Cash is the best option, so I keep aim for 50% down-payment, Arg!!

Edited April 27, 2015 by thestairs

[sandylee1]

You both sound very responsible. How about you compromise and aim for a 35% deposit?

 

Have enough time as a married couple, without too much stress and pressure, then decide together when to ttc. I do admire the both of you, so many people don't think things through.

 

I hope your mother is accepting of your future children you have. Battling with parents who don't welcome partners of another race is tough, I know I've been there. Good luck.

[thestaircase]

Well, we both poor and we both independent since young age. Nobody take care of us except ourselves. So we have no choice but to learn how to save up money to survive when it come to emergency and rainy days.

 

Thank you 'sandylee1', xiexie nin 谢谢您

You are in Interracial relationship too? Used to be in one? Do you mind share your experienced?

You know it very common for Asian wife and White husband right? Statistics show that is the highest number of Interracial marriage here in the U.S

Alot of my High school friends are married to a White guy, and their parents are all thrilled.

Fate play me, I fall for a Black guy instead, and I have ZERO regret.

 

Thank you for your advice. I'm gonna talk to my husband more later about the house down-payment. To be frank, I want to pay off the house as soon as possible, that is why I aim at 50% down-payment.

I don't want to keep drag on and on for many many years on paying mortgage.

 

 

I'm 30 and my husband is 29, we both are Single/Unmarried, No kids. This is first marriage for both of us.

MORALLY we can be together. I don't know why my Chinese mother make it sound like I commit the world biggest sin to be with him.

If married him means my mom going to disown me, then let it be. Which is did disown me after I get married. But I have No regrets, he is an awesome husband!

 

The thing is, my family immigrant to USA when I was 12 years old. Our family have been in USA for almost two decades. For two decadeds in the western culture, my Chinese mother shoud know better. She shoudn't be so closed-minded. Mom always think she right just because she is mommy.

 

My husband is 29 years old, and he is a Health freak, He doesn't smoke, doesn't drink. Not even smoke a cigarette. He go to the Gym to work out to stay fit.

He always have a Full time job, and he Filial to his mother. That is why I agree to married him or else someone else might snatch him away, lol

For a guy age 29 that doens't smoke, doesn't drink. That is RARE to find in any race.

 

He is not the typical Black guy neither, or else he wouldn't married a Chinese girl.

There is ALOT of Interracial coulpe in USA, from Black and White couples. To White and Asian couples. BUT very very small numbers of Black and Asian couple.

I'm glad to added to the number of Black husband and Asian wife couples out there. I know we are out there, it just our number is so small.

However, I do know alot of Japanese/Korean and Black couples though.

Edited April 28, 2015 by thestairs

[Lion Heart]

You both sound very responsible. How about you compromise and aim for a 35% deposit?

 

Have enough time as a married couple, without too much stress and pressure, then decide together when to ttc. I do admire the both of you, so many people don't think things through.

 

I hope your mother is accepting of your future children you have. Battling with parents who don't welcome partners of another race is tough, I know I've been there. Good luck.

 

Thestairs,

 

I know you feel indecisive at the moment but you guys have so much going for you. You really do!

 

I agree with Sandylee about the "compromise" of 35% but it's all still up to you. I think knowing that nothing's perfect and we all get through as best we can might help you and I'm talking about the house savings. Not your M. That sounds fantastic.

 

And please, all that worry about statistics of interracial Ms. Just let it go because you are an amazing individual and so is your H. There are many people who are NOT mature about races but those people have no place in your lives, nor mine!

 

My eldest DD father is aboriginal and I'm a mixing pot of at least 12 cultures. This same DD has been with her H for 3+ years and he is Greek / Egyptian - you should see their GORGEOUS SON!

 

I am extremely accepting of ANYONE (no matter their cultural heritage) the MOST important thing to me is the goodness of a person's heart and soul. Culture has little to do with this! My son-in-law is only 12y younger than me. I've never been "ageist" either. Fortunately my son-in-law bought his own home years ago + my DD has never concerned herself with property ownership. So they're well set up.

 

Another point I wanted to raise is about your mother. If she's not supporting your M, and even rude enough to comment on sensible decisions you make for your life then IMO she's against you. My children are very important to me. I've done my best to raise my children well. The delicate balance of parenting and instilling independence for my children began when they were born. I don't own them. They don't "live their lives to please me". And I celebrate their independent ideas. If your mother has issues with you, know they're HER issues, not yours. Mothers like ours may live to regret their behaviours. I've been NC with my mother since shortly after the birth of my twins, 12y ago. Yes it's sad but she was far too destructive to my family.

 

So thestairs you are a brand new family with all the hopes and dreams for your future. Don't let anyone "rain on your parade".

 

Lion Heart.

[sandylee1]

Well, we both poor and we both independent since young age. Nobody take care of us except ourselves. So we have no choice but to learn how to save up money to survive when it come to emergency and rainy days.

 

Thank you 'sandylee1', xiexie nin 谢谢您

You are in Interracial relationship too? Used to be in one? Do you mind share your experienced?

You know it very common for Asian wife and White husband right? Statistics show that is the highest number of Interracial marriage here in the U.S

Alot of my High school friends are married to a White guy, and their parents are all thrilled.

Fate play me, I fall for a Black guy instead, and I have ZERO regret.

 

Thank you for your advice. I'm gonna talk to my husband more later about the house down-payment. To be frank, I want to pay off the house as soon as possible, that is why I aim at 50% down-payment.

I don't want to keep drag on and on for many many years on paying mortgage.

 

 

I'm 30 and my husband is 29, we both are Single/Unmarried, No kids. This is first marriage for both of us.

MORALLY we can be together. I don't know why my Chinese mother make it sound like I commit the world biggest sin to be with him.

If married him means my mom going to disown me, then let it be. Which is did disown me after I get married. But I have No regrets, he is an awesome husband!

 

The thing is, my family immigrant to USA when I was 12 years old. Our family have been in USA for almost two decades. For two decadeds in the western culture, my Chinese mother shoud know better. She shoudn't be so closed-minded. Mom always think she right just because she is mommy.

 

My husband is 29 years old, and he is a Health freak, He doesn't smoke, doesn't drink. Not even smoke a cigarette. He go to the Gym to work out to stay fit.

He always have a Full time job, and he Filial to his mother. That is why I agree to married him or else someone else might snatch him away, lol

For a guy age 29 that doens't smoke, doesn't drink. That is RARE to find in any race.

 

He is not the typical Black guy neither, or else he wouldn't married a Chinese girl.

There is ALOT of Interracial coulpe in USA, from Black and White couples. To White and Asian couples. BUT very very small numbers of Black and Asian couple.

I'm glad to added to the number of Black husband and Asian wife couples out there. I know we are out there, it just our number is so small.

However, I do know alot of Japanese/Korean and Black couples though.

 

I'm now married, but we are the same race. When I was younger, I was dating a guy from another race (same colour, both black ) and my mother was hesitant. She said my dad wouldn't take it well. I was just 20 at the time and I ended up breaking up with him after she said that. I was really sad for a while, then we got back together. When we broke up the last time, it wasn't anything to do with his race, but it was always at the back of my mind. He was my first bf, so quite unlikely we would have married anyway, though he really loved me a lot and was shattered when it was over.

 

It's wonderful that you are strong enough to stand up for yourself and not allow your mother to dictate for you.

 

I had a friend (black) , married to a white guy and his parents didn't like her because she was black. Her mother in law would say 'when you have babies, it will be like bouncing a little monkey on my lap'. It's just ignorance.

 

Maybe the black guys your mother has seen, haven't been responsible. Maybe in time she'll realise your H is a good man and she'll accept him. If she doesn't, I'm sure you'll be just fine anyway. Over the years my mother's view has changed and she'd be more accepting now. Still don't think my father would be though.

 

Unfortunately, there is much negativity towards black people historically and you just can't change people's attitudes. I've always said, the most important thing is for my future son/daughter in law to love, respect and treat my child right. Their race doesn't matter at all.

 

Do you have other family members that accept your husband? Like siblings?

[thestaircase]

Thank you 'sandylee1' for sharing your story. Thanks for your positive and supportive words.

 

There are Black who are light skin to brown to dark skin color. My husband is NOT the light skin Black, he is the dark chocolate skin color. He darker than most Black out there. And he is the "Street smart" type of guy too, so he sure got alot of stereotypes. He experienced it alot so he wasn't surprise at all when my mom didn't like him.

 

My husband have a rough upbringing, he is the guy from the hood. His dad was never around, and his dad deceased when he was young so he struggle life by himself.

BUT my husband did NOT have an abusive childhood at all. His mom raise him well and very loving to him, he loves his mother so much. He is a very filial son, and that is why I love him alot.

We both struggle in life, perhaps this is what brought us together. I guess for us is "same birds of feather flock together."

 

As for me, I came to USA when I was 12 years old. So almost two decades here in US, I know all about the steoretypes against Black, but I frankly don't care.

Because I date my husband, all I care about is him. He is who I love, all I need to know his him. What matter is what HE do, what matter is HIS actions. I don't care if other Black guys do this do that, blah blah... It all irrelevant because those guys are NOT my husband. What they do have ZERO effects in my relationship.

 

I mentioned I have a cold childhood. My mother was very abusive. She emtionally/mentally and physically abusive to me. My whole childhood, all I heard is she belittle me, scold at me, put me down like a dog.

She also physically beaten me once, result in a 'Domesti Child Abuse' case, and the Court order taken me to "Froster Home" for few years before return me back. The physically abuse did stop, but she continue to belittle me and being emotionally abusive.

 

To be frank, I resent my mother. When I turn 18, I left my her house. I left with just my clothes and little money I make from work at my High school library. When I left, I said it straight to her face: "Even if I died on the street, I will never crawl back to her for help".

I end up living in the Homeless Shelter for some time, before I can find myself a place. I became a College dropped out. In my 20s, I didn't care about dating because all I can think of is work to pay Rent, or else I'm gonna end up in the Homeless Shelter again.

 

I start my life over from scratch. Work different minimum wage jobs, bought a used car. Move to a cheap rent bad area neighborhood, because the rent here is cheap so it does help me ALOT in saving up money every month.

I work at a Retail job that pay me hourly and little commission. I am far far from rich, but I sure make enough to support myself. I keep my words, never once I come back to my mom for help.

 

Times sure fly by fast, I am exactly 30 this year. It clearly that I don't have a close relationship with my mom at all. I think it beyond mendable.

I'm poor, I live within my mean and I'm Financially independent. This is why it very EASY for me to stand up against my mother. I don't use a penny of her money, so she can't control who I married. You know what I mean?

 

Regarding to my mom disapproved my husband. Yes, some of it becasue of the stereotype she heard about Black, but then it also because she simply is just Ignorance.

But please excuse my mom. She married my dad at a young age, and in China she didn't have the education. All her life she stay at home to take care of children. And when we immigrant to USA, all she know is her Asian community that she live in.

 

My mom make ignorance comments like because my husband is Black so his blood must be black too. See how ignorance she is?

My mom called me Dirty and I am her own daughter. She also said when I have kids, don't bring those dirty grandchidren back to see her.

Well she can rest assured. Because No way I will bring my children around her. I will protect my children and my husband.

And I come home to visit my old father. If it weren't for my dad, I will never come home.

 

btw, my mom refused to even know my husband name, let alone try to know him as a person or know about his life. As soon as she know he is Black, he refused to hear anything else about him.

She refused to met him, my mom never once met my husband. And she have no plan in the future to met him. She flat out disown me after I get married. It pretty clear that she make up her own mind.

 

I know in Chinese culture, children are suppose to take care of older parents. But Financially my parents are doing quite well, the poor one is me because I left home.

My dad is a businesman back in our homeland, Shanghai. It was my dad money that bring us to USA, trust me it not cheap to immigrant to U.S.

 

Here in USA, my parents have 3 Chinese restaurants business. So they doing quite good. The one that poor is me--their daughter. And I choose the poor life because I want Freedom. I am NOT a fish in a bowl, I am not a bird in a cage for my mom to control and dictate around.

I love my freedom and my independent life too much. I will not go back to that controlling lifestyle and that hell house of my mother again. Hope this make sense.

 

That pretty much my background. You can see that under my situation and circumstances, it not a suprise that I married my husband despite my mother disapproval. Because for more than a decade, I don't have any relationship with my parents at all.

BUT I do LOVE my old father, the father that never abuse me. I love my father so much that I can give him my organs if he needed. I do miss my father very much.

 

Nobody on my Chinese side family accepted my husband, except my older brother.

My older brother was a witness at my City Hall/Courthouse wedding. Two witnesses was there, my older brother and my husband's mother (my mother in-law)

My brother met my husband many times, and he really like my husband. He thinks I'm a lucky girl to married a husband that adores me.

Edited April 29, 2015 by thestairs

[amaysngrace]

It might be smarter for you to have a smaller down payment but pay it off sooner. If you have money saved you can make three mortgage payments every two months and apply that extra payment to principle if you can swing it.

 

This way your credit will remain golden and you'll be able to have money set aside in case of an emergency.

 

When you own a home you never know when you're going to need to fix or replace something because it breaks. You won't be able to call your landlord to fix it anymore.

 

You really shouldn't stress about the money so much. You just keep on working and the money will be there.

[thestaircase]

Thank you so much for your avdice, it actually is better if doing it that way like you say. I will follow your advice, thank you.

 

It was never about money, actually I don't even care for a house. I just DON'T want to be in debt. All my life, I am Debt-free, and I want to remain that way, so I like to pay things off immediately as much as I can.

 

 

I had this thread up about my wedding. I married my husband with nothing. Without without an engagement ring, without a wedding reception, without a honeymoon.

In defense of my husband, it was me that choose not to have all that. I don't care about money, we got married at a City Hall/Courthouse.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/524031-how-did-u-have-your-wedding-do-u-mind-share-your-big-day-story-proposal

 

The person that keep on insist aim at 50% down-payment is me. I always have the thinking that larger down-payment will give us smaller mortgage monthly.

And we're not buying a big house so we should pay in cash as much as we can. So we don't have to worry many many years of paying monthly mortgage. Is this wrong thinking?

 

I have already talk with my husband more about this, and he said he go with what I want. Part of the problem is that he always go along with what I want so I can be happy.

When I said I prefer to pay the house half in Cash; he doesn't even talk back. He said 'Alright, anything you want', and he went find a second job. Working his butt off 2 jobs everyday to fulfill my prefer "pay house half in cash"

 

Well, he did promise that after we married he will listen to what his wife say. But then he dotes on his wife, and spoil his future children rotten, this is not good. He did said he will spoil his kids.

 

He said after I became his wife, first thing I said is I aim to pay the house half in Cash. And he said as a husband he will make it happen for me even if that means he have to work 3 jobs.

But I said No! I don't want him to that much because I don't think we can have time with each others if he working 3 jobs.

 

Right now he is working 2 jobs, and both of his jobs are Physical labor jobs. He sure is physically tired when he he get home. There are days when he have to work overnight too. I'm sure he stress out at his jobs, but never once he raise his voice on me.

He said if he stress from from work, he will sit in his car to think. He will not bring stress of work to home, he leave it outside as soon as he get out of the car.

He is an awesome husband, and I feel like I'm giving him a hard time over this 50% house down-payment.

 

My husband plan: He aim for 20% down-payment. He continue to work 2 jobs till 2016, then 2016 combine our saving to pay for the house down-payment. We not buying a big house so mortgage should be okay.

Then he will be back to work 1 job, and we TTC have our baby. He does want to spend time with the baby. This is first marriage and first baby for both so he really excited to be a father.

 

My plan: I aim for 50% down-payment, for sure we will not have enough money by 2016, so if I get pregnant then we will have to move to a more safe neighborhood to Rent.

And we continue to saving up money to pay for the house half in Cash that I aim for. We just have to buy our house later when we have enough money for the 50% down-payment I want.

 

Financially we doing okay, we are far far from rich. We are poor, but not like we dirt poor. We both been working for more than a decade, so we do have okay money save up. None of us are big spender, and we have the obsession with saving money. Are we too obsessed with saving money?

 

Good thing is both of us have perfect Credit scores. None of us have any kind of debt. None of us have any Credit-card debt. This does make us happy, specially me.

Here in USA, ALOT of people are in Credit-card debt. I'm so happy that we Debt-free.

 

I don't know what to do with this husband of mine anymore. I want to spend another year with him as a couple before we TTC, but he sooo ready for a baby. BUT I'm sooo not ready to TTC this year.

It does like I'm looking at this at an 'All or Nothing approach'... Perhaps I'm using the pay the house 'half in Cash" as an excuse to buy time? Or perhaps the childhood experienced of my abusive mother is making me scare of become a mommy?

 

If go by husband plan TTC next year in 2016, I will be 31 year olds. So happy to hear other ladies here say that is not too late.

Husband is super confident that he can get me pregnant at the age 30, he said it be nice if we can have a soccer team of kids, lol

Edited April 29, 2015 by thestairs

[sandylee1]

Thestairs,

 

Your welcome.

 

You know sometimes you just can't change how people think.

You're doing pretty good without your mother, so just focus on your marriage. I know your husband wants to do anything to make you happy and I can see you've had it rough, but the one thing I will say is that it's important to compromise in marriage.

 

If I realise I've gotten my way on a few things, I try to compromise and let my H make the next decision unless I feel very strongly about whatever it is.

That's why I suggested 35%, because your splitting the difference between 20% and 50%. You could both make an appointment with a mortgage provider and get an idea of what your repayments would be.

 

You both need to decide together where you'd like to live and when to start a family. Enjoy married life before kids, because becoming first time parents is really hard work and pretty stressful. Very exciting and enjoyable, but hard work.

 

It does sadden me sometimes when I hear people thinking crazy things like black people have black blood, but I've faced enough discrimination to ignore such comments. We're all individuals and stereotypes can be so dangerous. We'll never be able to make some people think different, so just live your life and be happy.

 

Your husband was obviously raised well by his mother and that goes such a long way. The hard work and determination you both have is admirable.

 

I have to explain to my kids when they are treated differently because of their skin colour, that those kids don't know any better. I always tell them to be proud of who they are and never to put up with any comments or behaviour because of their race.