"Infidelity:"Shirley Glass summary for AMFT

[merrmeade]

I don't know where to put this resource information...

 

I found this essay/white paper on the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists website (http://www.aamft.org/)—Infidelity. It's the first thing I've seen that really describes EVERYTHING my WH and I have been through in a factual way, and everything described was something we've gone through. As soon as I read it, I wanted both to memorize it and send it to H.

 

Which I did. Discussion to follow...

 

The article was written for therapists by Shirley Glass and summarizes her work. Since she was a researcher and therapist, every fact and definition is backed by evidence from studies.

 

Excerpts:

"Emotional affairs differ from platonic friendships in that there is 1) greater emotional intimacy than in the marital relationship, 2) secrecy and deception from the spouse, and 3) sexual chemistry. ... However, combined-type affairs in which extramarital intercourse occurs within a deep emotional attachment usually have the most disruptive impact."

 

On betrayed spouses: "The most severely traumatized are those who had the greatest trust and were the most unsuspecting."

 

"A wall of secrecy in the marriage and a window of intimacy in the affair usually characterize extramarital triangles. Reconstructing marriages requires reversing the walls and windows by erecting a wall with the affair partner and a window of honesty with the marriage partner."

Edited April 24, 2015 by merrmeade

[lgspot]

Good info.

Sounds simple huh?!?

[fellini]

The blueprint is simple enough.

 

The work to be done really depends on the willingness, commitment, and emotional resources of those involved.

[merrmeade]

Good info.

Sounds simple huh?!?

ummm. Not simple and good point, lg. Thanks for reminding me, but I wasn't hopeful or anything silly like that. I don't depend on MC.

 

I did say "everything," didn't I. Oh well, except for the 'empathic' stuff which is most of the work. No, I'm not excited about hope of recovery. You have to be a person who actually talks and he doesn't do that. Or empathy.

 

No, I was mostly impressed with her description of the impact and causes.

[fellini]

 

On betrayed spouses: "The most severely traumatized are those who had the greatest trust and were the most unsuspecting."

 

Probably a valid point. In fact, the trauma is almost entirely self oriented in that beyond a certain point, one is putting trust in another and has no more reason to do so other than our internal desire to do so. In other words, ironically we are the author of our greatest trauma. We are traumatized at our own level of deception about trust. It's a difficult concept to grasp, but I have been there.

 

I remember opening my wife's iPad and seeing it was still open on a google search about infidelity. Taken aback, but knowing my wife, figured one of her many female friends was getting into some trouble and as it was her way, trying to help out.

 

Two weeks later, as she was preparing to go out for a dinner with her "colleagues", I jokingly asked about that, suddenly remembering it again.

When she sat down and asked me what I thought about infidelity, I gave a token response... "well, it happens, why?" And she told me a friend was thinking about ... blah blah." And I bought this, it was exactly what I thought. i was still completely incapable of suspecting her of anything. Then she stopped. And said "actually, it's me. I'm seeing someone".

 

And I said, who is it, - still not quite believing what I heard, but yet, - and said, I know who it is, it's R" "Yes"

 

Every cell in my body went numb in a second. It's absolutely incredible how emotional devastation can be so intense, so friggin FAST that it manifests itself in a massive physical reaction.

 

Today is DDAY 2nd Anniversary, and I find it interesting that this post should appear to me on this day.

Edited April 24, 2015 by fellini

[No Limit]

Or the BS builds up a massive wall to the WS to cut him or her off and begins building a new one with a person who knows how to build a foundation. Trust, honesty and all that sound like good stuff for windows.

[cocorico]

I don't know where to put this resource information...

 

I found this essay/white paper on the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists website (American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT))—Infidelity. It's the first thing I've seen that really describes EVERYTHING my WH and I have been through in a factual way, and everything described was something we've gone through. As soon as I read it, I wanted both to memorize it and send it to H.

 

Which I did. Discussion to follow...

 

The article was written for therapists by Shirley Glass and summarizes her work. Since she was a researcher and therapist, every fact and definition is backed by evidence from studies.

 

 

Interesting article. It sounds very similar to the post-A transitioning to FTR made by couples where the WS leaves the M, too.

[merrmeade]

What is FTR?

 

P.S. found it: For The Record? - wait, no, doesn't make sense...

Edited April 24, 2015 by merrmeade

[merrmeade]

Probably a valid point. In fact, the trauma is almost entirely self oriented in that beyond a certain point, one is putting trust in another and has no more reason to do so other than our internal desire to do so. In other words, ironically we are the author of our greatest trauma. We are traumatized at our own level of deception about trust. It's a difficult concept to grasp, but I have been there.

 

I remember opening my wife's iPad and seeing it was still open on a google search about infidelity. Taken aback, but knowing my wife, figured one of her many female friends was getting into some trouble and as it was her way, trying to help out.

 

Two weeks later, as she was preparing to go out for a dinner with her "colleagues", I jokingly asked about that, suddenly remembering it again.

When she sat down and asked me what I thought about infidelity, I gave a token response... "well, it happens, why?" And she told me a friend was thinking about ... blah blah." And I bought this, it was exactly what I thought. i was still completely incapable of suspecting her of anything. Then she stopped. And said "actually, it's me. I'm seeing someone".

 

And I said, who is it, - still not quite believing what I heard, but yet, - and said, I know who it is, it's R" "Yes"

 

Every cell in my body went numb in a second. It's absolutely incredible how emotional devastation can be so intense, so friggin FAST that it manifests itself in a massive physical reaction.

 

Today is DDAY 2nd Anniversary, and I find it interesting that this post should appear to me on this day.

My 3rd Dday anniversary is coming up in about 5 weeks.

 

The three responses so far along with my own are interesting in juxta position. I think Fellini is more or less where I am, still unpacking the events and what they reveal about our partners then and going forward. It's also as if we're making up for our lack of education and emotional preparation that made Dday so much more traumatizing. I don't know about research or similar treatments of "post-A transitioning to FTR made by couples where the WS leaves the M," and would like to keep the conversation out of conjecture and contained to the initial context of the thread. And No Limit just wants everybody to get on with a better life.

Edited April 24, 2015 by merrmeade

[Lion Heart]

I don't know where to put this resource information...

 

Excerpts:

"Emotional affairs differ from platonic friendships in that there is 1) greater emotional intimacy than in the marital relationship, 2) secrecy and deception from the spouse, and 3) sexual chemistry. ... However, combined-type affairs in which extramarital intercourse occurs within a deep emotional attachment usually have the most disruptive impact."

 

On betrayed spouses: "The most severely traumatized are those who had the greatest trust and were the most unsuspecting."

 

"A wall of secrecy in the marriage and a window of intimacy in the affair usually characterize extramarital triangles. Reconstructing marriages requires reversing the walls and windows by erecting a wall with the affair partner and a window of honesty with the marriage partner."

 

Useful information Mermaid. I may or may not bother to give this link to the MC / IC we've been seeing.

 

It obviously indicates elements that are well overlooked in our MC specifically, especially for me being the BS. 4 months out and certainly my entire outlook on this M has done a 360, on every level. IMO it should have, since we are in "R". For me it all rests on the point made above about my WH A being the worst experience of my entire lifetime BECAUSE I had invested everything and trusted my H to a very high degree then to invest even more and trust without faith is pure stupidity to me. Yet this was insisted upon. That I should "stop all my actions and reactions based upon the A".

 

I disagree ENTIRELY with that insistence and will always maintain a much healthier detachment on ALL levels with WH since he is wayward on many more levels than fidelity.

WH can work damned hard or leave. The entire landscape of my M, outlook on my family life and views on mine and my family's future will ALWAYS have an exit plan. Because WH A showed me I needed one!

 

I guess what I'm attempting to clarify by your thread Merr is that it describes behaviours of WSs and reactions of BSs well and explains ALOT. It's a "snapshot" if you will. But if therapists have not experienced the level of betrayal felt then I wonder how much "academic learning" could ever develop the empathy required to effectively deliver realistic advice at all. ESPECIALLY to betrayed spouses in R. IMO it's far easier to coin the wayward. Even if they're not completely NPD then they were at the very least exercising very NPD traits combined with overblown entitlement to even contemplate an A. A molotov cocktail for Ms and families. Rug sweep a ticking time bomb? I think not. I was very unprepared for the first "bomb", now quite fitted out for a lesser bomb. Makes perfect sense to me in "R".

My only previous responses to infidelity was cut and run and rightly so.

 

Lion Heart.

[cocorico]

What is FTR?

 

P.S. found it: For The Record? - wait, no, doesn't make sense...

 

Full time relationship.