Author Cis Posted May 10, 2005 Author Posted May 10, 2005 OK - it's been 24 hours of no contact. I told him to NOT contact me until he can be completely honest and open. My heart is, over course, broken. I'm sick about this whole thing. But hints of a few realizations peek through the pain: 1) I've been to Europe with my husband several times. The truth is - it isn't all that much fun because he is constantly irritated and pissed off. NOT good company. 2) He has told me that inviting her was "stupid and impulsive" - so I hope he has to spend the week with her in France feeling stupid and impulsive. 3) for the past 4 months I've been totally and completely passive. Begging and pleading....but for the first time, I'm starting to wonder if I should file for divorce while he is in Europe with his ex-wife. 4) I have been brutally honest with him, and I won't EVEN talk to him until he admits that he is sleeping with his ex-wife. I'm sorry but I just will NOT believe that he is having her come along "as a friend who he can be kind and honest with". OK - I'm working today, have dinner plans tonight - will exercise in between the two - have to walk the dog, so I should be able to get through to tomorrow AM. Thanks TCMC, WWU, RP and all for your support and encouragement. Jeez I am learning so much..... DON'T get involved with anyone because you think they "have potential".
whichwayisup Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 As long as you're willing to deal with the worse case senario here, go ahead and file for Divorce. Be sure that you are ready for him to accept the D and move on. Don't file if you're hoping he'll then realize he's about to lose you and then come running back to ya. Know what I mean? DO this because YOU have to do this for you because it's what you really want. 4) I have been brutally honest with him, and I won't EVEN talk to him until he admits that he is sleeping with his ex-wife. I'm sorry but I just will NOT believe that he is having her come along "as a friend who he can be kind and honest with". I think you're right. There is NO way his EX is not sleeping with him. What's in it for her? Friendship? Companionship? Doing him a favour? Something smells fishy on this one BIG time...Go with your gut Cis. He's scared of telling you the truth now as now he will have to actually ADMIT his mistakes...And it seems he's not willing to do that. Sorry that you're hurting so much.
Author Cis Posted May 11, 2005 Author Posted May 11, 2005 He's discovered another batch of emails that were send a year ago between me and my "friend" - he has been obsessing over this latest discovery. He says I have no right to speak of honesty given the dishonesty I engaged in last year. I know he's right - but up until I got involved in that crazy adventure I was consistently the most honest and up front person my husband ever had in his life. I'm annoyed that because of my terrible betrayal he feel like he should get "get out of free jail cards" and behave poorly. Clearly he is not deciding that his marriage is important to him. My Dad is in the hospital - my parents and husband love each other and of course I don't want to ruin their relationship. So my big goal for No contact has already been compromised - but I told him to seek information directly from my parents and that I don't want to talk to him unless he is calling to tell me the truth or that he has canceled his European trip with his ex wife. That's when I got his "your the one to talk about honesty" response. Really his immaturity (he's 60 years old!) - is astonishing. So back to square one with no contact. I'm at my parents house they live 6 hours away from me. I'm trying to help them and be a good daughter. They are of course devastated that their daughter is separated. They are very proud of their 55 year marriage
TMCM Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 I'm annoyed that because of my terrible betrayal he feel like he should get "get out of free jail cards" and behave poorly. Clearly he is not deciding that his marriage is important to him. Cis, please don't think for a minute that I am trying to justify his bad behavior [there is no excuse for it] but many a BS do suffer a terrible blow to their self esteem when they find out that his/her spouse has been having or had an affair, and many of them fall into their own affairs not for revenge but to get back some of that lost self esteem. Yes it's stupid because, as you already know, nobody but YOU can rebuild your self esteem and it is done via honoring your principles. You of all people know that maturity goes out the window when one is having an affair and the marriage is definitely not on the top 10 list of most important things for an unfaithful spouse. For your emotional wellbeing please try to conquer your resentment through emotional detachment and continue to maintain NC. Take care of yourself with positive things that give your life hope and meaning. Let him and his ex go through their little drama while you use the time to wisely recover from the recent ordeals. You'll come out a better person no matter what the outcome of your marriage is. TMCM
MiChick43 Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 )...and frankly I don't want to be intimate with him when I think he is having sex with his ex-wife Cuse me, but didnt you have sex with another man? Im sorry you are feeling so hurt. Regardless of how your marriage /husband didnt meet your needs, an affair on your part , in my opinion , isnt right. It does not solve anything, as youve found out. Clearly he is not deciding that his marriage is important to him. And when did you? After the affair. Most likely not during. Sorry, I dont agree with the pity party here. No matter how much attention you didnt get in your marriage an affair is not right. You can justify all you want but all you did by having this affair is probably move yourself to a divorce quicker, without any chance of resolve. Possibly if you had taken more concern with your marriage , before having an affair, things would be different. We are all human and no one is perfect. Im not judging you. I hope all works out for the best.
PatientOne Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer Actually it's good for both of you to get even; that way the balance of (in)fidelity will be re-created. Do you ever actually read what you write? This is mind-numbingly stupid. Two wrongs do not make a right.
Author Cis Posted May 14, 2005 Author Posted May 14, 2005 ugh - a terrible week. My elderly parents are falling apart. I', trying to be of help, but my Dad is so selfish he is unwilling to make any changes in his life - he doesn't care how it impacts his wife or children. It's all about him... In fact, now that I am separated (all of two months) - they seriously wonder if I might want to move in with them! They are telling that my "life is all different now" (my husband is wealthy - and I'm not). Basically they act as if I'm destitute and stupid. I got a big lecture about credit card debt this AM. I'm 50 years old, always worked and never had a serious credit card debt problem. Meanwhile - my husband remains "strongly ambivalent" about our marriage. I emailed him and told him that I really didn't want to hear from him unless he was contacting me to say he wanted to work on our marriage - or that he had told his ex wife that it wasn't a good idea for him to take her on a "honeymoon" to France right now. I haven't heard from him. So I drive back to San Francisco tomorrow. My little dog and I will be glad to be "home". The desert is not for us. I'm desperately trying to ward off major depression. I can fill my life easily with activities, but I can also drag myself down with worry and anxiety. I want to choose a busy happy life. I don't know if I'll ever really forgive myself for my selfish actions. I'm so frustrated because on this forum, as well as marriage builders - it's chock full of betrayed spouses who are really really wanting to work and rebuild their marriage. Some of them sound like they want to "win" back their spouse - EVEN if their wayward spouse is STILL involved with their lover! My husband is so disinterested in winning me back (let alone working on creating a new and improved marriage) - in fact he's done everything to push me away - and I haven't been in contact with my "friend" for months, have virtually no fond feelings for him (even received an email from him two weeks ago - and wasn't EVEN tempted to respond), came clean to my husband about all of the stupid and misguided details of the affair, have begged for forgiveness to his children and both our families. I guess our marriage wasn't strong enough to weather such a crisis. My priorities: my mental health (reading, counseling, friends etc), my physical health (jogging, yoga), my parents (as best I can provide them with support). I guess this is all I can do. I'm sad that I don't have any family support. My parents are elderly and dealing with all kinds of issues. Also, my Dad is notoriously meddlesome, and gets facts wrong either by his mental confusion or my manipulative design. My sister is judgmental and inadvertently says the most hurtful things. But I do have some wonderful friends - but for some strange reason I crave some healthy family support and have asked my Aunt if she is up for "holding my stuff". Thanks for your help. Coming here gives me something to do besides brood and get on the "pitty pot".
Author Cis Posted May 20, 2005 Author Posted May 20, 2005 Hi Folks, I'm down today. He's just seems to be "moving on". A friend thought that he may have behaved different had I been "caught", or if I was still involved with my lover instead of ending the affair and then coming clean on my own. She thinks that had I still been engaged with my lover my husband would have tried to win me back... interesting to think about. I guess he doesn't miss me. Oh well - I guess I need to continue "working on myself" - the process continues.
stuckbloke Posted May 20, 2005 Posted May 20, 2005 Crikey - doesn't bode well for me - I hope you're friend's wrong... ! Sorry to hear you're down Cis - can you do something to cheer yourself up? Phone a pal, go for a walk, buy an ice cream? Hope you're gonna be ok. If he doesn't miss you, maybe it's just not meant to be... and you're better out of it?
Author Cis Posted May 24, 2005 Author Posted May 24, 2005 Husband wrote a long email - revisiting all of the hurts, deception and lies that I participated in during the affair. He doesn't seem to be able to forgive or forget. He is going to Europe with his exwife - a "time out" he says. He says he's working on his issues. Says he misses me and cries for our loss. I'm sitting here at work crying hysterically because I feel so guilty and feel like it's over. I made a terrible mistake - but it was my way of medicating myself to stay in a less than happy marriage. I wish I could have gotten his attention - we both made mistakes. But this morning I'm feeling really rotten. For those of you who are contemplating an affair - think very carefully - you're life will never be the same. You lose an innocence and belief in an ideal - and you can never get it back... Cis
whichwayisup Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 Originally posted by Cis Husband wrote a long email - revisiting all of the hurts, deception and lies that I participated in during the affair. He doesn't seem to be able to forgive or forget. He is going to Europe with his exwife - a "time out" he says. He says he's working on his issues. Says he misses me and cries for our loss. I'm sitting here at work crying hysterically because I feel so guilty and feel like it's over. I made a terrible mistake - but it was my way of medicating myself to stay in a less than happy marriage. I wish I could have gotten his attention - we both made mistakes. But this morning I'm feeling really rotten. For those of you who are contemplating an affair - think very carefully - you're life will never be the same. You lose an innocence and belief in an ideal - and you can never get it back... Cis Wow Cis, I feel for ya. He's actually making YOU feel bad and justifying WHY he's doing what he's doing. He's basically telling you, "You screwed up, I'm not done yet by making you feel horrible about it, I love you and miss you, but I need space - while I'm taking 'my time' I'm bringing my EX with me to make ME feel better and to show you some of the pain you inflicted on me." ENOUGH IS ENOUGH Honey! This man doe love you, but now it seems he's totally into manipulating you into making you feel horrible all the time. He seems to have NO intention of fixing the marriage nor even considering trying. Two wrongs DO NOT MAKE A RIGHT, and now he's in the wrong. The way he is handling this is so calculated and cruel. Take this time to really decide if he's worth it. Yes, you love him - but he's changed in such a way that if he comes back to you - WILL you trust him? Have faith in him and the marriage working out? He is nowhere near forgiving nor wanting to forgive...Too wrapped up in trying to make you pay for your bad choice. I'm sorry if anything I say here is upsetting you, but it really gets me as he's being very s***ty to you about this. Consider the D or very least filing now. Don't give him a choice. Take back the control and don't give him the power of you "waiting" to see when and IF he ever is going to forgive you and take you back. He is acting like he's the puppet master and when he's ready THAT is when he'll decide...And who knows what his final decision is going to be, so take matters into your own hands and file. Even if a year from now things get better and you both get back together, atleast by doing something about it now he'll see that you're not putting up with his crap and his cruel games. Hugs to you Cis.
Author Cis Posted June 1, 2005 Author Posted June 1, 2005 Ok - so I guess he's gone on his trip with his ex-wife. Not sure what to think. Just need to stay in the present and keep busy. I miss my husband. He is my family - I think about the years of slowly creating this patched up family and it means a lot to me. I feel like such an idiot to risk and maybe lose it all for the stupid affair relationship. I was so into my lover - I was utterly entrenched and I DID know the whole time that is was so stupid and inappropriate - but the feeling was overwhelming and addictive. I've never had a substance abuse problem - but after this experience I think I understand more about how hard it is for people to give up something that makes them feel that good. So many theories as to how I could have done this. It's so not me... So I've gotten through the first three days of this week..
whichwayisup Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 The thing now he HOW He is handling it. Enough already! He is relishing in making you feel bad and guilty - And that makes him feel good and also justifies him bring his exwife with him. Two wrongs do not make a right - So as far as he is concerned, he's aware of what he is doing and purposely hurting you - Put some thought into it, knowing HOW you felt about her going, and about their friendship, yet he CHOSE to go ahead and do this despite your feelings. He now should be making things right with you, together working on the marriage and seeking councilling. He's taken the easier way out in a way - No responsibility, noone now to blame but himself for being a class one A-hole. I DO hope you're doing OK Cis and are finding the peace inside to get you through this. I don't think I'd be handling this well if I was in your shoes...No clue whether I would actually file for D or not, but I certainly wouldn't be at the door waiting for him to come home.
TMCM Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Cis, It's one thing to separate from an FUS [former unfaithful spouse] because of the pain and give oneself time to emotionally heal before making a decision to save or end the marriage, but it is quite another to choose such a stupid and destructive action that accomplishes nothing but further pain and suffering for all involved. Until your H chooses to recommit or end the marriage, please reconsider going back to NC [no contact] ASAP for the more you allow him to play the martyr the more he is going to keep hurting you [just like another poster here who blasts her H for his past 7 ONS while she's presently involved with an OM ]. TMCM
Author Cis Posted June 11, 2005 Author Posted June 11, 2005 Thanks TMCM and WWU - you're kind to care. I've received two phonemail messages from him this past week. Both were sentimental - he said he loved me, was looking forward to his return and getting together - etc. I have responded in same - because that's how I feel. I did not make mention of the fact he is traveling in romantic locals with his ex-wife. I guess I feel his actions are so immature, revengeful and meaningless that it isn't worth giving it any power. But the question remains - how long do I let him deal with his pain and hurt, and now immature, revengeful and destructive behavior before I decide I don't want to work on our marriage. I feel like that time is getting closer and closer all of the time. Cis PS - I know record producer got slammed for even thinking it - but my husband is such a proud man, and my affair did effect his esteem in every way - I do wonder if "tit for tat" may help him get his ego back enough to want to work on our marrige. I guess we'll soon find out.
Author Cis Posted June 16, 2005 Author Posted June 16, 2005 Well he's back from his "fabulous" trip to France. He did acknowledge that they had "safe" (a little hard for me to believe) sex. He called from the airport and said that he missed me and that he has forgiven me. Not sure what all of that meant, but I was looking forward to getting together. We had dinner the first two nights we was back (Monday and Tuesday) - a few rough patches, but mostly positive. He said that he learned so much by understanding the baggage he has carried from relationship to relationship. He felt a lot of shame when his exwife told him how much he scared and disappointed her. He still has so many fears about us. He said that he realized that it was now "our turn" to become emotionally intimate, that he realizes the relationship he has with his exwife is a threat and has run it's course. He says he is making progress and asks for me to take "baby steps" - it's frustrating because all we do is go over his hurt about my affair. When do I get to process all of the hurt I experienced with his drinking through out our marriage and HIS "affair" that just ended a few days ago? I do love him and miss him. I guess there is nothing I can do but wait and see. All of the books say a year or two years! Not sure if I can hold on that long. Because we are separated our time together is limited. Also, again I'm conflicted about having sex with him. I love him and desire him, but I'm wounded by what he just did. But sex is HIS most important (numbers 1-10) need. I wish he'd DO (not just say) something that makes me think he want to work on "us".... Thanks for listening.. Cis
whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 Well he's back from his "fabulous" trip to France. He did acknowledge that they had "safe" (a little hard for me to believe) sex. He's letting you know that, like a tit for tat thing. He's purposely TOLD you that to hurt you...Therefore making sure he's giving you reason to trust him less, making you pay for what you did. So you will feel the pain as much as he. He called from the airport and said that he missed me and that he has forgiven me. Not sure what all of that meant, but I was looking forward to getting together. Sounds like he's justified his actions by sleeping with her, now saying, we're even, so let's work this out. He's forgiven you because now he knows HE has hurt YOU. We had dinner the first two nights we was back (Monday and Tuesday) - a few rough patches, but mostly positive. He said that he learned so much by understanding the baggage he has carried from relationship to relationship. He felt a lot of shame when his exwife told him how much he scared and disappointed her. Ok, sounds like some honesty there. Let's hope he can focus that into something positive, and realize YOU are not his EX and concentrate on the now and let go of the past. He still has so many fears about us. He said that he realized that it was now "our turn" to become emotionally intimate, that he realizes the relationship he has with his exwife is a threat and has run it's course. He says he is making progress and asks for me to take "baby steps" - it's frustrating because all we do is go over his hurt about my affair. When do I get to process all of the hurt I experienced with his drinking through out our marriage and HIS "affair" that just ended a few days ago? His fears are real and the only way that he can deal with them is to put aside his ego, his pain and both of you work together to make it work, with marriage councilling. How does he know it's run it's course??? Maybe to him, but what about her?? He totally USED her to make himself feel good, whether that was a rebound, get at you reaction, her feelings are now discounted... Unless they both said goodbye officially and he will NEVER hear from her again, then that's good, but still an issue because what he did intentially to you, letting you know he had sex with her is just plain awful!! In his head it's like he thought you deserved it. He made the bad and wrong choice on that one. Made the whole situation worse, but he doesn't see it that way, does he? I do love him and miss him. I guess there is nothing I can do but wait and see. All of the books say a year or two years! Not sure if I can hold on that long. Because we are separated our time together is limited. I know you love and miss him. Unseparate and move in together. Being apart isn't going to better the situation. Also, again I'm conflicted about having sex with him. I love him and desire him, but I'm wounded by what he just did. But sex is HIS most important (numbers 1-10) need. And he knows this too, he wounded you on purpose!! Whether or not he actually did have sex with her, you may not ever know for sure...He could have told you that just to get you to react and feel bad. What he did was very manipulative and cruel. I'm sad for you that he's handled it the way he did. There were so many other healthier and wiser choices he could have made. The sex stuff I'm not too sure about, everybody looks at it differently. Some stay don't do it until things become more stable, others say do it because it's a way of reconnecting and feeling closer again. I don't know the answer to that one...If I did, I'd definately tell ya! I don't know if having sex with him would make you feel better or worse. Just take it slow, hopefully he'll understand and be patient. High sexdrive or not, he must now understand YOUR pain as he felt it before during your affair...He can't expect you now to jump into his arms and all is fine. I wish he'd DO (not just say) something that makes me think he want to work on "us".... Yes, his actions now have to speak louder than his words. I really DO hope the best for you both, it just is sad that there is even more pain and trust issues that have to be worked through. Hugs.
Author Cis Posted June 22, 2005 Author Posted June 22, 2005 Update: Husband returns from France. He calls to say he "forgives"me. We have dinner. He says it's out time to work on our marriage. I ask him to break it off with his ex-wife - he says ok (but hasn't done it). I get green eyed jealous - look at his emails (first time ever). Find emails from an old friend with pictures of the old friends wife sucking his friend off! Picture of the wife tied up. The old friend is asking my husband how many times he's jacked off looking at his big titted wife! He asks my husband about the old days (when he was with his exwife in an open marriage). They compare memories ("double stuffing" - s*** I've never even heard of). I see another email where he describes his trip to France as blissful and that he eludes to some great sex with his exwife. Then I see another email - someone saying that they should get together. My husband says he'll remember what she looks like! Anyway - I'm sick!!!! I call him a call him a sicko - that I'm disgusted with him and that I'm ready to talk divorce. I tell him I hate him and that he ruined my life. I was hysterical! He asks me to calm down and talk. This AM I email him all of the journal entries I've kept since we've been separated...things I love about him and all of the s*** I won't miss about him (drinking, hounding me for sex etc). He is pissed and insulted. He doesn't want to talk to me...now that I've calmed down and want to listen. I swear to God I wish I could not feel all of this pain and sorrow. I want a loving, normal partner. Is this too much to ask? My therapist thinks I need to listen to him. God Help me - I feel like I'm dying!
Spectre Posted August 3, 2005 Posted August 3, 2005 Maybe im a little late, but I find this kind of funny, like someone pointed out..this is a huge pity party. Cis, I realize you made a mistake and are sorry for it, but sometimes that is NOT enough first of all, you have been claiming you came "clean" with him and told him everything, showed him emails, but then you said he got mad over a new batch of emails? meaning you did NOT come clean with him at all, you have been made out to be some sort of martyr or something because you did the right thing by being honest..when it seems you werent even that And thats another thing, again no offense, but you shouldnt be praised for telling the truth, yes it was good you did it, does it take away any less from what you did? no, not by a long shot, I find funny how you are calling your H immature when you were the one to cause all this, you had the affair not him, and *gasp* youre shocked he took it wrong and couldnt forgive you? and you are complaining about him going to his ex wife? really, It seems like you expected him to be glad you told him and just forget the whole thing? it doesnt work that way, you messed up big time with the affair, and while what your H is doing isnt really right, its understandable, seeing as what you've done to him, this is what I say to a lot of people: once you cheat prepare yourself for the end, 99% of time relationships cant survive it, or they survive for so long, theres two things that happen:A- it ends right away, or B- the one who was betrayed attempts to forgive their spouse, resulting in most likely many months of negativity and that person throwing it back in the other persons face, with each individual having a growing resentment for the other, I think even a cheater sometimes has to say no this cant work, to me..i just cant imagine a situation where a woman could sleep with another man and her bf/husband would be able to forgive her unless he had cheated himself
Author Cis Posted August 3, 2005 Author Posted August 3, 2005 Spectre- thanks for taking the time to respond. It's been almost 6 months since "D day" discovery day - and I've learned so much. My H and I continue to talk - not sure where we will end up - but time and our sepration has given us some time to heal some and take a step back. I never expected him to instantly forgive me - and in fact when I revealed to him everything I was prepared for anything - including divorce. I was just HOPING (and continue to HOPE) that my H would see that I loved him, that I realized that I destroyed our marriage that we both had made some very terrible choices and mistakes, but that we cared about each other enough to rebuild a way way better marriage. For the first months he's been way too angry to even contemplate that - but perhaps we're turning a corner. He's invited me on a business trip with him. We'll be able to spend some time together talking. I've been attending Alanon (sadly, I don't think he's done anything about his drinking) - of course I've had NC with my "friend" for over a year. Disclosing everything put a final end to that entire relationship and the desire for it ever to resurface. I can tell you are in a place where you could never contemplate forgiveness in such a circumstance. I pray you never have to experience this pain - but some time along the road of life you may want to consider being able to forgive someone of something truly unforgivable. It is a very powerful and healing thing to be able to accomplish. Thanks for your response - a few months ago your message would have put me in a tail-spin of sadness. But I am at a much stronger place now - as I said I've learned so much. I've taken responsibility for my poor choices, but I think it's ok for me to still hope that my marriage can survive this big bump in the road.
Grizzly Posted August 9, 2005 Posted August 9, 2005 I don't mean to be overly critical, but Cis, you just don't seem to understand the seriousness of what you did. You're far too blase about the whole thing. This isn't a "bump in the road," it's running at high speed into a massive concrete bridge abutment. Look at the facts, please. You spent months ruthlessly, cold-heartedly involving yourself in deceitful actions whose ONLY possible outcome would be to inflict pain and humiliation on your husband. I cannot understand how you can blithely prattle on about his lack of understanding and "immaturity." Every single day of that "affair" you betrayed him, you betrayed your marriage vows, and you betrayed your family's values by sharing yourself with another man. Exactly WHY do you think your husband should forgive that betrayal? Excuse me, but until you recognize the depth of the deceit, I don't think there's really any hope for reconciliation. Understand also that your husband did NOT agree to take your hand in marriage, along with any other men you wanted to have a sordid, dirty little liason with. Please don't try to make it a shiny love thing with a "friend." It wasn't. You were sneaking around, lying, cheating, and committing adultery. Another thing. You are no longer the woman he married. Frankly, you seem to realize you've killed the marriage and you do seem on the way to getting on with life after your marriage. Fine. But don't expect any gold stars to be pasted on your forhead for admitting the affair or even for breaking it off. Being honest and forsaking all others is what you are supposed to do without even thinking about it. Come on, for Pete's sake. If you want to forge a new relationship with your husband, power to you. But don't expect him to come joyfully to your side, bubbling over with enthusiasm. Right now, you have no right to expect any respect or trust from him because you sure didn't show him any. He found ANOTHER set of emails? His mindset right now is probably one of wondering what ELSE you have deceitfully hidden away. How can you blame him? Okay, I've rambled on here and I'll stop. I doubt your relationship with your husband is going to survive. From what you've written in this thread, I have to conclude you have zero understanding of what you've done to him and until you gain that, I doubt you'll convince him to come back. If you do, recognize it's a new relationship. If you want to make it conditional upon him addressing his drinking problem, losing the porn, and staying home for massages, go ahead and do it. Be prepared to hear a "hell no" from him if you approach it incorrectly though. That path is what you should have done in the first place instead of being unfaithful. Right now you need to understand you have no credibility at all with him and you probably have years of work ahead of you before you can regain any kind of respect, trust, or credibility with him, much less love. You're complaining about it being six months since you "came clean," expecting to be given a pat on the head and perhaps some sympathy for rolling over a bump in the road? Woman, you haven't even begun to work on the marriage yet. Good luck, for what it's worth.
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