Today I woke up angry, and hateful (vent and rant)

[Apaige]

Today I woke up angry, and hateful. It's not like me. I went along with the divorce, I did what I had to do and moved along with the motions. I sucked it up, and accepted what was happening. Three years post divorce, and I still wake up angry and full of hate? Why?

 

I didn't ask for this, nor did I want it. I shouldn't be in this position, I shouldn't be dealing with this now. So why am I? Is it normal? Have I not moved on? I thought I did. I met someone new, and I am enjoying the thought of what might be, but why, why now, why today did I wake up this way?

 

I didn't ask for my children to have two homes. I didn't ask to split my time with my children with their father...It just isn't fair, not for me, not for them. And all the while, he sits back like a pig in sh*t. I didn't ask to have the burden of raising children alone, while he sits back and he is dubbed the "hero" because he doesn't make them do homework when they get home from school, but instead 30 minutes before they walk out the door to go to school. Those were never our rules... Why did our parenting styles change? Why did he become the hero, and I become the devil?

 

Why did I put my future plans on the back burner some 25 years ago? Why didn't I fulfill my nursing career? I'll tell you why, b/c I believed that liar. I believed we'd be together for better or worse. I believed that I wouldn't have to worry about not having a pension set up, or that I'd have to worry that at 42 years old, I'd lose my medical benefits (due to a divorce). I believed him, damn it! I believed that we'd be together forever. I don't miss him, but I do miss the unit, I miss my future plan....

I suppose I am feeling sorry for myself, and I am wallowing in self pitty, but these questions and thoughts come very randomly.

 

You live and learn, I suppose, but what do you do for now? No medical insurance, no degree, no longer a home owner, no retirement fund....One thing I am positive about is my children...but I need to a role model, I need to continue on with my education, I need to get medical insurance, I need a job or career where it isn't a dead end...Yes, I get alimony, and child support, and I do work part-time, which is what I can do for now, until my children are older, but I feel as though the alimony is only hindering my financial abilities...(not sure if that makes sense, but having it provides many road blocks, but financially I can't give it up either).

 

Has anyone else experienced this anger and hatred, the road blocks that divorce has caused? I need to get out of this stupid rut. I need to stop hating...

[Lion Heart]

Apaige,

I'm sorry you've gone through everything you have.

Sometimes life just serves you a major sh** sandwich and yeah we've got to swallow it. It sure is crap. Karma forgot us.

It's plain not fair.

 

I'm no psychologist. I'll get that out straight away!

But I've certainly been fed more than my fair share of sh** sandwiches. IMO I reckon your rage is totally normal. I'm glad to hear it's not depression!

 

I've found lots of tools to get me out of this type of thinking but I stress it's probably good to feel anger and rage WHERE it is justified. I think yours is justified. It's just a matter of time before you realize how much any of any negative emotions are serving you to change the situation. If you can use this anger to act in positive ways / gain positive momentum then do. It doesn't work for me. I need positive emotions to act positively.

 

So I start with gratitude. Being grateful for anything and everything I can see, do or imagine. Imagine, plan, then act.

 

There are things your ex will do that may pi** you off no end. Your children will be parents themselves soon enough and thank you for the disciplines you taught them during their youth that will always stand them in good stead as adults. Point YOUR actions out and YOUR motivations for your actions. Be clear and direct. You would never need to point out exH at all. Make clear YOUR goals for your children. Believe me, they will appreciate the fact that SOMEONE cared enough to risk being the "tough love parent" over time.

 

Look at your circle of influence (Stephen Covey) and expand it. In all ways concentrate on what you CAN do and don't waste time or energy on useless pursuits of what you can't control. This only leads to needless frustration. You have enough to do, be and become. Your work is already cut out for you.

 

The more you do this, the more "ok" your world becomes. One day you wake up and there's nothing there where anger was - be grateful for this day too.

 

Best wishes from Oz

Lion Heart.

[Apaige]

Apaige,

I'm sorry you've gone through everything you have.

Sometimes life just serves you a major sh** sandwich and yeah we've got to swallow it. It sure is crap. Karma forgot us.

It's plain not fair.

 

I'm no psychologist. I'll get that out straight away!

But I've certainly been fed more than my fair share of sh** sandwiches. IMO I reckon your rage is totally normal. I'm glad to hear it's not depression!

 

I've found lots of tools to get me out of this type of thinking but I stress it's probably good to feel anger and rage WHERE it is justified. I think yours is justified. It's just a matter of time before you realize how much any of any negative emotions are serving you to change the situation. If you can use this anger to act in positive ways / gain positive momentum then do. It doesn't work for me. I need positive emotions to act positively.

 

So I start with gratitude. Being grateful for anything and everything I can see, do or imagine. Imagine, plan, then act.

 

There are things your ex will do that may pi** you off no end. Your children will be parents themselves soon enough and thank you for the disciplines you taught them during their youth that will always stand them in good stead as adults. Point YOUR actions out and YOUR motivations for your actions. Be clear and direct. You would never need to point out exH at all. Make clear YOUR goals for your children. Believe me, they will appreciate the fact that SOMEONE cared enough to risk being the "tough love parent" over time.

 

Look at your circle of influence (Stephen Covey) and expand it. In all ways concentrate on what you CAN do and don't waste time or energy on useless pursuits of what you can't control. This only leads to needless frustration. You have enough to do, be and become. Your work is already cut out for you.

 

The more you do this, the more "ok" your world becomes. One day you wake up and there's nothing there where anger was - be grateful for this day too.

 

Best wishes from Oz

Lion Heart.

 

Thank you Lion Heart...I am trying to overcome the negativity, and I am spinning my wheels to allow me to become independent again. It's just discouraging that 3 years post divorce, I still sometimes sit here and miss what I was supposed to have. It's a really viscous cycle. Your words were very encouraging, and I will try to act on what you said. I will make myself better, and less reliant on "HIM" that's what I call him, b/c I can't even call him by his name. He cheated, and left, and now I am cleaning up the sh*t. But you are right, there is a reason why I get these pangs of anger, and hatred...I suppose I need to act on those negative thoughts in a positive manner. Thank you!!!

[chew123]

Apaige,

 

I am sorry you still feel this way 3 years in. I am only 6 months along, but I don't think I will ever totally get over this either. Note that I already don't miss her at all.

 

It is the death of the expectation of what my life was going to be. The plan was for us to retire and travel the world when my son went to school last fall. I spent 20 years setting up this plan. Little did I know for the last few years my wife had a completely different plan in the works.

 

So since I lost half of my /our net worth as well as my travel partner the plan has changed dramatically. I am still working. She is with her new man(really not that new lol) and is working full time(after working half time her whole life with me) and has 2 incomes again so she can probably still retire soon. I will have to work longer but that's ok.

 

The big takeaway for me from this is that we can have all the plans and expectations in the world, but sometimes they get blown up due to no fault of our own. The plan for the rest of my life is to have no plan. I am just going to enjoy each day as it comes and not think too far into the future. And as Lionheart said, I am going to be grateful for what I have.

 

I believe now that letting go of expectations is the key to my happiness.

 

It sounds to me like you have really moved forward and are doing pretty well. I think we will always have a couple down days to push through but as long as there are not too many you are winning.

[Lion Heart]

Apaige,

Take whatever you will from anything I post. LS is chock full of really useful information. LS has helped me immensely but I use it to the nth degree!

 

Personally I think it's far easier to get stuck in ruts of anger, depression, resentment than exorcising those demons out!

It's a monumental task to "accept" and "move on with love" (excuse me while I puke) when something so unjust and so unfair happens. Meanwhile other people just look blankly at you and ask why you haven't "moved on yet". Well sorry but I'm living the part that WASN'T the deal I agreed to every single day!

 

So we are at ground zero again. Too many decisions to make. Choices of what to relinquish for our goals. It's not easy.

Whenever I've struggled I've had to come back to gratitude for arms and legs that work! It's ALWAYS about coming back to what we do have. All the rest is inconsequential.

 

This takes HUGE discipline of thought and focussed action.

 

You can do it! Gosh you're a mum! You can do anything even after being kicked in the guts. :-))

LH

[Mr. Lucky]

Three years post divorce, and I still wake up angry and full of hate? Why?

 

Why indeed. Three years is way too long - and too big a chunk of your remaining life - to be mired in so much negativity.

 

Look at it this way - you're continuing to give someone who doesn't deserve it control of your life. Control of your feelings, control of your moods and control of your actions.

 

He made a mess out of your past. Do you really want him in charge of your present? Does he get to dictate your future? For your - and your kid's - sake, I hope not.

 

Put his picture on a dartboard and his profile on a pinata. Spend a day taking your whacks at him and get it out of your system. And then take your life back, it should be about the future you want for you and your family.

 

Right now you're making it all about him ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lion Heart]

Why indeed. Three years is way too long - and too big a chunk of your remaining life - to be mired in so much negativity.

 

Look at it this way - you're continuing to give someone who doesn't deserve it control of your life. Control of your feelings, control of your moods and control of your actions.

 

Right now you're making it all about him ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

My cousin once said "Never let a person you don't like live in your head. ... rent free. Your mind is a precious space. Guard it." This and other such pearls of wisdom to unpack, delivered by this cousin, were critical to my healing from infidelity and D.

 

Luckily, I spent ALOT of time staying with her and her children directly after leaving WH number 1.

 

This is another thing to organize about our lives after D.

Surround yourself with positive people. People who make you laugh and feel good. When we feel bad or sorry for ourselves, we can look around us and see we've surrounded ourselves with people who do too. "Misery loves company."

 

Don't make up your mind about whether OP would like you or whatever before you give the possibility of a POSITIVE friendship a chance. I don't care what "social status" people are. If I like them because they're positive, I make friends with them.

 

Many authentic people have what we want. Whether it's a nice family, good M, great qualifications, huge house - whatever.

I admire people who have what I want. Befriending them models to us, how to get what they have too.

 

Coming from an extremely dysfunctional childhood where all sorts of craziness ran rife, the expectations of others would that I'd be a drug addict living on the streets. This prediction came from a psych who knew my family when I was young then met me again 30y later. She's almost used me as a case study and constantly asks what tools I used to overcome so much.

 

This was a critical one too. Admiring people who have what I want. Ofcourse this is the direct OPPOSITE of jealousy.

Jealousy is not only a useless pursuit but extremely debilitating. Think of a jealous person you know and you'll know what a horrible life they must lead REGARDLESS of whether they have what we'd call "a great life" or not.

 

Anyhow just wanted to share these techniques with you because you can resurrect yourself. It's up to you when and how.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart.