How do you keep your affair secret?

[flowergirl14]

I read a lot of times on these threads how common work place affairs are. Often times, people are meeting up on their lunch hour. Do they drive off to a nearby park? Have sex in the car? A quick hotel meetup? Just curious as to how affair partners keep their secrets.

[MissBee]

I think work place affairs are among the quickest kinds to raise suspicion. Most of the stories here I've seen about those have been found out or people were at least suspicious. It depends on where you work though, and whether your affair is confined to your work hours (lunch time meet ups, hooking up after work social events so on) or you just met at the job but meet up outside of work hours. I mean the question could be asked of any affair, if the person is married with family and kids, kids' activities, a career, family events and are also carrying on their marriage like all is well, what time do they have for the affair and how do they maintain the affair while juggling those other things without it seeming suspicious and incongruous?

 

People find ways though, but many affairs are not kept secret for long and do raise suspicion the more someone veers off schedule it seems. If you have a heavy travel schedule for your work that seems to be the most compatible with affairs where you have lots of "unaccounted for time" away from your routine at home and where your SO wouldn't suspect that you're not really working. Whereas if you tend to work fixed hours, with a fixed routine you either have to make the affair fit somewhere in that routine without disturbing it or if you do change things up that raises more suspicion. I do remember one OW with a work affair saying she and MM made sacrifices, so time spent watching tv or doing other things were now dedicated to the affair. They left for work earlier to meet up before for breakfast, they had lunch together, they spoke only on his car rides to and from work and everything had to be worked around the work hours which allowed it not to raise suspicion....however, maybe the BS wasn't suspicious, I forget, but perhaps work colleagues are likely to raise an eyebrow though.

[lookingforclosure]

I read a lot of times on these threads how common work place affairs are. Often times, people are meeting up on their lunch hour. Do they drive off to a nearby park? Have sex in the car? A quick hotel meetup? Just curious as to how affair partners keep their secrets.

 

Mine was a work place A. And yes, all of the above. I didn't have to say anything...his behavior after he dropped me thru red flags all over his work, a place I used to work and still have friends there. So it really was never a secret to those who knew us, they just never asked...minded their own business. But they pretty much know now

[Blu72]

Affair started in the workplace after working together 11 years. He moved to another company a little over 3 years ago...still ongoing on/off.

[Friskyone4u]

Interesting question . With all the technology today there are scores of way affairs go on and are kept secret. If infidelity strikes the partner with the greater computer skills has the advantage . Oddly enough , if you read the threads , the same technology that enables the WS to cheat undetected for however long is usually their undoing. Very few actually walk in on their spouse cheating unless they have first found an e mail or text or FB message that gets their suspicions up.

I think another trash affairs stay secret is because when you take your vows you assume they will be kept . Look at how many threads are started by those whose first comment is "all the signs were there, I just never thought he or she would cheat ". Any Google search will list the signs for you so it is not that the cheaters are so smart it is the betrayed are in denial and many times do not catch it until it smacks then in the head .

If you read the book "Not Just Friends" and some others the workplace has become the most prevalent incubator of affairs with men and women in close proximity to each other more hours than they are with their families

[GoldieLox]

Also a work place A conducted on work property because we were both flaming idiots. No communication outside of work.

[Grapesofwrath]

Also a work place A conducted on work property because we were both flaming idiots. No communication outside of work.

 

Wow. That's playing with fire. One or both of you could have lost your jobs.

 

In my case, we met at work but don't often work together. all romantic activity took place outside of work hours/off the work property. He would sometimes buy me lunch or coffee, but those outings were purely G-rated, should we run into anyone, which we sometimes would.

 

He travels for work, though, so he falls into that category of having a lot of unaccounted for time. Even so, his behavior would raise suspicion.

[Sassy Girl]

Not a workplace or social circle affair

 

We only meet during work times. Family time is for family.

 

We are always communicating outside work hours but understand when each other is busy with family commitments.

[Phoenician]

It is interesting to know for those who goes into an affair and they still have intimacy with spouse ; hw they can meet wand still have intimacy with spouse ?

[GoldieLox]

Wow. That's playing with fire. One or both of you could have lost your jobs.

 

Don't have to tell me twice. For two people considered to be well respected in the company and intelligent in the field of work... we had the combined IQ of a walnut. Reason #836 it's a relief this is over.

[Phoe]

Funny... my boss is having an affair with a girl at my work. Nobody knows HOW they're doing it... but we all know it's happening.

 

 

It's odd... they can keep all the details of when/why/where totally secret, but have failed to keep the fact that it's happening a secret. Everyone knows, even if it's only in hushed whispers....

 

 

Stuff like that seems to always make it's way out.

[Grapesofwrath]

Funny... my boss is having an affair with a girl at my work. Nobody knows HOW they're doing it... but we all know it's happening.

 

 

It's odd... they can keep all the details of when/why/where totally secret, but have failed to keep the fact that it's happening a secret. Everyone knows, even if it's only in hushed whispers....

 

 

Stuff like that seems to always make it's way out.

 

Oh, yes. The Vibe. Very difficult to ignore. Even if you try to keep it concealed, grown-ups can tell when other grown-ups have been doing grown-up things.

[whatatangledweb]

A friend of a friend was having an affair at work with her manager. They worked at a restaurant. It only happened at work as both were married with kids. Everyone knew it was going on and they were having sex everyday in his office.

 

Some other employees got very upset because she was getting special treatments for months. They called the head office. The managers office was always video taped but no one knew but corp. They watched the video and saw them having sex. Both were fired.

 

Doing it at work is not a good idea.

[dreamingoftigers]

Funny... my boss is having an affair with a girl at my work. Nobody knows HOW they're doing it... but we all know it's happening.

 

 

It's odd... they can keep all the details of when/why/where totally secret, but have failed to keep the fact that it's happening a secret. Everyone knows, even if it's only in hushed whispers....

 

 

Stuff like that seems to always make it's way out.

 

Same with the college I attended.

 

Two teachers. You knew it was going on and when it ended.

 

Of course, the one teacher used to 'overshare' with me too. Thought that was weird.

[Tauriel]

It is interesting to know for those who goes into an affair and they still have intimacy with spouse ; hw they can meet wand still have intimacy with spouse ?

 

I have a lot of male friends (started my career in a newsroom). Almost all of them had As during their marriages. They were quite frank and told me that there was no (physical) intimacy. As in, none. One friend had to beg his W for sex once a year. It was sad. He's getting divorced now after 10+ years of this. I don't see how he did it.

[still_an_Angel]

MM has no 'connection' with me, not work, school, church, social club, neighbour or the like. He is not "out" in the bdsm community in our city like I am, but comes with me sometimes when I attend events or workshops. Its a closed circle of kinksters so relatively safe to be seen together.

 

 

We hardly call each other, a handful of texts sometimes, but email a lot. I am very conscious of my timing if I text or call, but can shoot a couple of emails on different topics one after another.

 

 

MM is a member of a club that meets in other towns for their exhibits or shows so this gives him plenty of opportunity to see me. There is some sort of disconnection between MM and his W, or maybe she just chooses to ignore that he spends a lot of time outside the home. A combination of that plus what I've stated above has contributed to keeping our A undetected for years now.

[m4p]

Workplace A too. It's weird because we never shown any intimate behavior when talking or hanging out with other colleagues, but people still seemed to get the "vibe" and voiced their suspicions to me (telling he's married, I should be careful not to get hurt etc.) which I had to cheerily shrug off as them thinking too much. Outsiders around you really are able to pick things up, so you gotta be careful.

 

That aside, lots of lunch time sex and eating far away from workplace, gym routine together, foreign language class together, no going to crowded/popular places, no deviation from normal routine. Worked well for almost 2 years until we got busted- Was seen together during lunchtime by his W's friend.

 

Add: oh and LOTS of texting, like from morning till bedtime every single day. Calls only during work hours.

[cocorico]

I read a lot of times on these threads how common work place affairs are. Often times, people are meeting up on their lunch hour. Do they drive off to a nearby park? Have sex in the car? A quick hotel meetup? Just curious as to how affair partners keep their secrets.

 

We met in a professional context, but didn't work for the same organisation. We made no attempt to keep our R "secret". I'm not the kind to broadcast my private life, so simply did what I always did. He's far less compartmentalised than I am, so I got to meet his family, friends, colleagues etc long before he got to meet mine. The only one for who it was a "secret" was the BS.

[Phoe]

Same with the college I attended.

 

Two teachers. You knew it was going on and when it ended.

 

Of course, the one teacher used to 'overshare' with me too. Thought that was weird.

 

I remember when it started well over a year ago. They spent any free minute at work together... sometimes sneaking away, taking lunch together, and if I ever glimpsed them or happened to overhear them together when they thought no one was around, you could tell in the way they were talking that there was a connection.

 

Then she got a HUGE promotion, the lunches and times together alone got longer...

 

I think they may have put a cease to it lately, or at least cut back quite a bit. She had a slight goof at work maybe a month ago and he shouted at her for a good 20 minutes... she tried to play it off like it was just another boss being hard on an employee situation, but you could see in her eyes that she was more upset than that...

 

She used to come in to work early with me and him (me, him, and 2 others come in 3-4 hours earlier than everyone else), she doesn't anymore.

[Gloria_Smellons]

By not telling people.

 

Workplace affair here too, never during work hours. We didn't start crossing lines until about a month before he was relocating, and even then we could still convincingly argue (if we had ever needed too) that we were just friends. He commuted to work in a different location from where he lived at the time, i.e. up where I was in the week and home for weekends, so his time was pretty much his own.

 

When we went out in public we wouldn't be all touchy freely or visibly be inappropriate. It wasn't exceptionally unusual for colleagues to hang out together outside of work, quite often we would actually hang out in a group but we would arrange to arrive early for a bit of alone time. That way if anyone saw us we could legitimately say we were out with x group and we just happened to get to the venue first. Occasionally I would leave the evening earlier than him, but go back to where he stayed during the week to wait for him.

 

Having said all this, we obviously weren't as smooth as we thought because I know for a fact that rumours went around at work about us. However, helped by the fact that a lot of rumours fly round the place, and lots of them genuinely aren't true, coupled with me laughing it off the one time someone mentioned it directly to me, it got forgotten about/replaced with the next rumour.

[Tauriel]

MM and I are (were?) LD lovers, meeting up at designated cities -- not his and not mine. That way, we can be as free as we want to be with the PDAs and not have to worry. We have mutual friends that date back from the time before he met his W, though. I'm not sure how much they know, but I've not said a word to anyone that we mutually know.

 

MM has met most of my friends, and he had already met my parents, because we had been involved before. My friends adore him, but they are really not wild about that "married" bit, quite obviously.

 

We had a D-Day, almost straight out of the gate. I never asked MM how he put out that fire. I suppose that he lied to his W and told her something to make her think that things ended, or that we went back to "just friends". I think that she was turning up the heat, and that's why he's stopped phoning me up as frequently as he did. We used to talk almost every day; now, it's mostly texting, which I cannot stand to do.

[Charlie Harper]

If you are stone cold, avoid texting or anything that leaves a trail, you can do it.

 

90% of the people commit mistakes and are caught... the other 10% enjoy, don't brag about it and keep it to themselves....

 

Yes it can be done.

[MissBee]

By not telling people.

 

Workplace affair here too, never during work hours. We didn't start crossing lines until about a month before he was relocating, and even then we could still convincingly argue (if we had ever needed too) that we were just friends. He commuted to work in a different location from where he lived at the time, i.e. up where I was in the week and home for weekends, so his time was pretty much his own.

 

When we went out in public we wouldn't be all touchy freely or visibly be inappropriate. It wasn't exceptionally unusual for colleagues to hang out together outside of work, quite often we would actually hang out in a group but we would arrange to arrive early for a bit of alone time. That way if anyone saw us we could legitimately say we were out with x group and we just happened to get to the venue first. Occasionally I would leave the evening earlier than him, but go back to where he stayed during the week to wait for him.

 

Having said all this, we obviously weren't as smooth as we thought because I know for a fact that rumours went around at work about us. However, helped by the fact that a lot of rumours fly round the place, and lots of them genuinely aren't true, coupled with me laughing it off the one time someone mentioned it directly to me, it got forgotten about/replaced with the next rumour.

 

That's the thing...people assume that the only way people will realize something is up if they are making out, touching, visibly flirting and so on. That's obviously not the case though. When people like each other or are sleeping together, their body language and interactions with each other, even when it seems to be above board and not remotely romantic or sexual, still carry this charge to it. We give away so much and we don't even realize we're doing it or some people in an attempt to play it cool just behave even more strangely by trying to go above and beyond to seem casual.

[MissBee]

If you are stone cold, avoid texting or anything that leaves a trail, you can do it.

 

90% of the people commit mistakes and are caught... the other 10% enjoy, don't brag about it and keep it to themselves....

 

Yes it can be done.

 

Mistakes are mistakes for a reason.

 

It's not because of bragging and telling everyone why most people are caught but more mundane things that they simply couldn't have anticipated and didn't think much about and you cannot always outwit someone's intuition.

 

As they say, there is no perfect crime, so most crimes (this is an analogy I'm not saying an A is a crime), there was some part not thought about or some chance thing which happens that doesn't even seem like a big deal that can often blow the whole thing up. Same with affairs. We're humans, we will be tired, stressed, forget something one day, ANY number of things can happen if you aren't a robot that can lead to discovery esp since you cannot account for other people's perception.

[Doublegold]

We don't keep it a secret. And we don't have sex in hotels for quickies. And not in the car either, only if its for excitment...he drives and hour and a half to my home to see me. We spend most of our time together out having fun and doing what most couples do. He has met all my friends and family, and I have met his. I know all his friends from Childhood to his Business Partner Friends.

 

Seven years later and yet to be caught. But even if we were she would ignore it, unless her peers knew. That would be a problem.

 

I live alone by CHOICE. Had a long term marriage and I have done this relationship my way, for my own reasons.

Edited April 26, 2015 by Doublegold