Husband goes to bars everyday....

[trace24h]

I have been married going on 4 years. My husband has always been a drinker. When I meet him he was going to bars. We have a 3 year old together and he has custody of his 12 year old son. Before we had our son we would both go to the bars after work and relax. Since the birth our son i stay at home and care for him. That is when our problems started. We promised each other we would not go to bars alone only together. I have

Caught him lying to me. I have found out he goes to the bars after work. I call him and I know he is there and he lies to me.

He calls me and tells lies just so he can go to the bars. He tells me he is working late all other excuses. Why does this bother me so much. I don't trust him he never comes home when he is suppose to and he lies about everything. I miss his company hip and he never spends time with the kids. Life has changed for me but it does look like it has changed for him. He is a married man with a family. I believe he has no business at a bar and why he lies to me.

[d0nnivain]

Sadly he's an alcoholic and a whimp. He's picking booze over his family but he's a whimp because he's lying to you about it. He's gonna say some BS about he lies about where he is because he doesn't want to listen to you yell & scream about his decision to go out & relax after a hard day's work but that is BS. He could come home & drink more cheaply. He could offer to get you a babysitter so you could join him. There are a lot of things he could do besides lie.

 

Only you know how much you are willing to put up with but right now you are virtually a single parent.

[Mr Carson]

Time to make it very clear to him how you feel. Don't yell you need to keep your cool, but don't back down.

 

Take the steps to protect your children and yourself. Let him know if he doesn't change his behavior your marriage is going to change dramatically.

 

He needs to be shown this will not be tolerated one day longer. You are absolutely right in the way you feel.

[Mrin]

Ok, so the lying this is what it is - bad. Not going to go into that but you know it is bad bad. And it sounds like it isn't only about this as you said he lies about everything. No trust = no relationship. You need to do something to clean that up with him - go see a counselor.

 

NOTE: the below is essentially adapting some coaching I gave my sister a couple of weeks ago. Dunno if it is of any use and if it doesn't fit just ignore it.

 

All that aside - what's your issue with him going to a bar after work? Like what's the real issue? Is it that you worry he'll be unfaithful? Is it that you worry he will become an alcoholic? Are you worried that he'll come home drunk and be abusive? Is it just "not right" for a married man to go to a bar after work?

 

Or... is it because you're home stuck with the 3 year old, stepping on toys and praying to God you don't hear the Wonderpets theme song again or you just might blow your brains out, and he's out there having adult fun knocking a few back with the boys before coming home to the mis'us?

 

If it is the later, you really need to own it. Own it big time and recognize that it is just a story you're making up around him going to a bar. There's nothing wrong with that story and to be honest, it is a super common story that women all over the world make up every day.

 

But you have to realize, it is just a story. It is a story about fairness. It isn't fair that he's out there having fun while you're stuck at home listening to Rafi play non-stop. So what do you want to do? You want him to stop having fun so it will be fair. I get that.

 

Does that story really serve you? I don't think it does. Just try this on, but perhaps a better story would be that it is okay for your husband to go have fun (in moderation) as long as you also get to have some fun. That's called self care. Rather than starve the other of fun, why not reach a sense of fairness or parity by making sure you have some fun as well? Just an idea but you could tell your husband that it is okay for him to go to a bar after work with the fellas for an hour a couple of times a week. Because you recognize that he needs to have some fun. But as part of that, you need to have some fun too so you'd like him to the take the kids on X days so you can go do Y.

 

Try it on. See if it feels right.

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

[angel.eyes]

I hate to say this, but this isn't new behavior on his part. You knew this about him even before you married him four years ago. He already had a young son, yet when you met him he was out drinking in bars...with you.

 

What has changed is you. You're now prioritizing being an available parent to your kids and family. Kudos on that choice. But from his past behavior and choices this was a value he was unlikely to share.

 

You will need to have some tough conversations with him and maybe make some difficult decisions. The status quo where he lies and you disapprove is only breeding resentment on both sides. Very unhealthy for the long-term health and stability of any relationship.

[davidromero43]

So you know which bars he likes? Call the bar and give him messages like "Still waiting on you to bring diapers and tampons".

[Mr. Lucky]

Just an idea but you could tell your husband that it is okay for him to go to a bar after work with the fellas for an hour a couple of times a week.

 

Sheesh! No man interested in a successful marriage and family life goes "to a bar after work with the fellas for an hour (like that will happen) a couple of times a week".

 

With two kids and a wife at home, there are other things to do - play catch, help with homework, change a diaper, go for a walk with your family, etc.

 

Guys night out once a month might make sense if his wife has the same option. The OP's husband was man enough to bring kids into this world, he should be man enough to raise them. That doesn't happen from a barstool...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

Your husband is an alcoholic. Alcoholics drink and lie.

 

They don't one day stop drinking and become a good, involved spouse and parent without treatment.

 

 

The real underlying issue here is alcoholism and untill that is treated, everything else is for naught.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Were you drinking at the bars while preggo?

 

 

He's not gonna stop & some bar trash is gonna get into his pants soon enough. Save yourself the trouble & start moving on with your life. Move out & get a divorce. Demand child support. Focus on providing a healthy home for your baby.

[Vercetti]

Yeah had fun going out early on. She grew up and he is a drunk idiot blowing money with a kid at home while lying to wife. Now you know why isn't with the person has a 12 year old with.

 

A bar or having sex with wife while being a dad and saving money for our future...I need to flip a coin for that one.

[Clockwork]

As someone who has had some experience dealing with an alcoholic (my father in-law) I can assure you one thing: they lie. Alcoholics lie like a rug just to make excuses to drink more. My father in-law was never a good dad and he's an even worse grandfather. Alcohol always, always came before family and it still does, which includes Christmas Day. You can never ever change a person like this and you never will. THEY have to change it. My wife's mother basically raised children on her own because of this. You will too if things don't change.

 

 

Once you are a married man with children it doesn't mean you can never see the fellas again. You can, and I do, but I also let my wife have a night out with her girls too. When we get lucky we get a babysitter and we both go out on a date or wherever. But if only one of us can do it, we'll let the other one go out at different times. That's okay, but not everyday and he should know this. Spending time at a bar DAILY will never be a good thing. It sends the wrong message in so many ways to your wife at home and even to the fellas you are hanging out with.

[MyEvilTwin]

You can't change anybody but yourself. So you either plan to live like this perhaps forever or you make other plans.

Ultimatums don't work.