The new, consolidated, Paying for Dates thread

[No_Go]

Haha, I have exactly the opposite experience with all my dates so far (I usually pay for dates out, the guys compensate with cooking for me)..

 

And having said that, I've dated guys who asked to split a coffee shop bill on date 1 - splitting a $5 bill feels weird at best and suggests some issues...

 

If the guy splits the bill on the first date, there will not be a second date.

 

Why? Simple. It's not the way I was raised, and in all of my past relationships, the man always paid and that is what I am accustomed to. I'm also mindful enough to order modestly, no drinks or desserts. Majority of the time, I eat like a bird and the guy finishes off my plate too, so yeah, he should pay.

 

The man not paying (especially for the first few dates) is just a small indicator of what I might expect on a larger scale of a combined life together, like who is expected to take out the trash or who will be responsible for laundry or who drives. I would not be dating a man who made me drive all the time either.

 

I guarantee if I cooked dinner, which will be a likely possibility if we continued dating, more money would be spent on the ingredients I buy, plus my time and expensive cookware and cookbooks, than whatever dinner he's buying me. It works out in the end.

[darkmoon]

why is it that some girls never want 2 pay on dates?

 

surprised that quite a few women/girls say they never will

[xxoo]

Why can't everyone pay for their own stuff...? Honestly, I don't even think about money all that much when going out (and not because I expect a guy to pay anything for me, in 3 years of semi-active going to clubs and bars I only once got a free drink) so I don't get what the fuss is about.

 

Everyone can pay for their own stuff.

 

The fuss is about how the man paying makes some men and women feel all giddy and stuff. It's like opening my door. I can open the door myself, yes, but it makes both of us feel all warm and gooey when he opens it for me.

[mammasita]

Some "girls" feel entitled is my only guess.

 

I personally like when a man pays for the first date, its chivalrous. I am prepared to pay and always offer, but the old fashioned in me is turned off if the man accepts my money.

 

Its almost two years in my R/S now and I still always offer to pay but my BF looks at me like I'm completely crazy and I put my wallet away. It makes me feel happy and taken care of.

 

Don't mistake that for me being entitled though..... it works out because I do the grocery shopping and cooking and for the most part buy event tickets on line. For example we went to the circus last weekend with the kids. I bought the tickets on line and he bought all of the snacks and treats there. It works out.

[Haydn]

Everyone can pay for their own stuff.

 

The fuss is about how the man paying makes some men and women feel all giddy and stuff. It's like opening my door. I can open the door myself, yes, but it makes both of us feel all warm and gooey when he opens it for me.

 

I once cunningly opened a revolving door for a girl i was really rather keen on in the misguided hope i could trap myself in the same slot as her. I kept coming out the opposite end to her.

[Shining One]

Why can't everyone pay for their own stuff...? Honestly, I don't even think about money all that much when going out (and not because I expect a guy to pay anything for me, in 3 years of semi-active going to clubs and bars I only once got a free drink) so I don't get what the fuss is about.

The fuss is about how the man paying makes some men and women feel all giddy and stuff. It's like opening my door. I can open the door myself, yes, but it makes both of us feel all warm and gooey when he opens it for me.

The other end of the fuss is how conditional this giddiness is. I can buy my girlfriend a hot chocolate for a couple dollars and we'll both be really happy. I can buy a fancy $50 dinner for a woman who isn't that interested and neither of us ends up happy. Well, she's probably happy about the food, but not the gesture itself.

I once cunningly opened a revolving door for a girl i was really rather keen on in the misguided hope i could trap myself in the same slot as her. I kept coming out the opposite end to her.

I did this with a dark room door in high school. That works out much better.

[maysj18]

I think a lot depends on your age. It seems like younger generations are more likely to not be as traditional. I always want to go dutch (the first few dates at least) and it seems guys my age (24ish) are sort of in the same mindset. I know though that if I ever date older men, it'll probably be off putting if I insist on paying for myself. If you're older and dating women in your age range, then that's probably why- the dating norms are just different, that's all; it's not right or wrong.

 

I may be completely wrong about the younger generation, but this is just what I've experienced.

[barcode88]

I offer to pay, but if they want to go dutch I will. I think a Man should always offer to pay for the first 2 dates.

[Kamille]

Oh goody! We haven't had one these threads in at least 2 hours.

 

Did you see the poll in the consolidated Who pays thread? Turns out only a few posters think men should always pay. The majority (70%+ right now) feel that men and women should offer to pay.

 

So good news mate, all those women you imagine as not wanting to pay? They're not in the majority! So you can relax, stop feeling anxious about this and decide for yourself when you want to treat a woman to a meal and when you don't.

 

Isn't life easy?

[pteromom]

It also depends on how they are raised. If a woman is raised in a very traditional home that is big on traditional gender roles, she will see paying for dates as the man's role. That doesn't mean she feels "entitled" - just that her role as a woman is different, and that chivalry is important.

[Simgleandyoung23]

It's traditional.

[darkmoon]

so do you value tradition elsewhere?

[No_Go]

Indeed that's the case. I think the millenials are in most of the cases conditioned to go Dutch.

 

Another aspects are I think:

- country (some parts of the world still have defined gender roles; in others, e.g. Benelux people avoid sharing finances)

- education (the higher it is, the higher is the probability to go dutch or take turns)

- age difference in the couple (the younger one independent of gender, if the age difference is 10+, usually expects to be provided for)

- family example

 

I think a lot depends on your age. It seems like younger generations are more likely to not be as traditional. I always want to go dutch (the first few dates at least) and it seems guys my age (24ish) are sort of in the same mindset. I know though that if I ever date older men, it'll probably be off putting if I insist on paying for myself. If you're older and dating women in your age range, then that's probably why- the dating norms are just different, that's all; it's not right or wrong.

 

I may be completely wrong about the younger generation, but this is just what I've experienced.

[xxoo]

so do you value tradition elsewhere?

 

I do. It makes me feel equally warm and gooey to put on a frilly apron and cook a hot meal for my man

 

What I don't value is having one partner in charge, or solely responsible for providing and/or housework. I value the romantic parts, and the bedroom parts

[todreaminblue]

I once cunningly opened a revolving door for a girl i was really rather keen on in the misguided hope i could trap myself in the same slot as her. I kept coming out the opposite end to her.

 

 

lol....funny....i need funny today so thanks for posting this haydn..deb

[darkmoon]

I do. It makes me feel equally warm and gooey to put on a frilly apron and cook a hot meal for my man

 

What I don't value is having one partner in charge, or solely responsible for providing and/or housework. I value the romantic parts, and the bedroom parts

 

so in the first paragraph - yes you value tradition

 

but in the second para - no you do not value tradition

[123321]

Oh goody! We haven't had one these threads in at least 2 hours.

 

Did you see the poll in the consolidated Who pays thread? Turns out only a few posters think men should always pay. The majority (70%+ right now) feel that men and women should offer to pay.

 

So good news mate, all those women you imagine as not wanting to pay? They're not in the majority! So you can relax, stop feeling anxious about this and decide for yourself when you want to treat a woman to a meal and when you don't.

 

Isn't life easy?

 

Yeah some women say that, and then they say they would think long and hard before going on a second date with a guy who let them pay. They also say they want lots of green veggies and fiber, yet I see a lot of candy and chips in their carts.

[123321]

I'm pretty sure I've heard that phrase 'pay for a date' in some other context but I'm not sure where at the moment. I'll remember later.

[xxoo]

so in the first paragraph - yes you value tradition

 

but in the second para - no you do not value tradition

 

I value some traditions

 

My partner is the same. He likes me to be traditionally feminine in some ways (the fun ways), but wants an equal partner in sharing the responsibilities.

[Anela]

I'm pretty sure I've heard that phrase 'pay for a date' in some other context but I'm not sure where at the moment. I'll remember later.

 

I have an idea of what you're getting at, and that argument is also old.

[jay1983]

Yeah some women say that, and then they say they would think long and hard before going on a second date with a guy who let them pay. They also say they want lots of green veggies and fiber, yet I see a lot of candy and chips in their carts.

 

70% wanna take turns paying, that's another one of those things on the internet that doesn't reflect the real world.

[xxoo]

70% wanna take turns paying, that's another one of those things on the internet that doesn't reflect the real world.

 

I think the poll is flawed.

 

I would vote for "take turns" given the options and the inclusion of the word "should", but I'd still very much prefer the man to treat for the first couple of dates.

[123321]

I have an idea of what you're getting at, and that argument is also old.

 

That has the distinct odor of argumentum novitatis about it.

[123321]

70% wanna take turns paying, that's another one of those things on the internet that doesn't reflect the real world.

 

Actually it's a perfect reflection of reality - I'd bet that around 70% of people do say they think dates should be Dutch. What people say and do often diverge in real life.

 

"The difference between theory and reality? Well in theory they're the same, but in reality they are different."

[Shining One]

I think the poll is flawed.

 

I would vote for "take turns" given the options and the inclusion of the word "should", but I'd still very much prefer the man to treat for the first couple of dates.

I agree that the poll is flawed. My vote would be for split costs during early dates and "what makes financial sense" in the relationship phase. If one partner has significantly more disposable income, they should pay more often.