The new, consolidated, Paying for Dates thread

[Jabron1]

Men should pay for dates - no excuses.

 

But the dates should be affordable. Where many guys go wrong is trying to impress a woman by spending money. Men need to understand: you are the value, not the activity. She shouldn't be there because she wants to go to a nice restaurant; she should be there because she wants to be in your masculine presence. The majority of my dates cost around £20 to £30 - that includes travel.

 

A woman can tell when a guy is trying to impress her with money, and she thinks: 'this guy is insecure and weak; he's not a man'. She's completely turned off. If she still dates him, it's because she's going to use him for his money.

 

The only exception is when a guy is a millionaire, and spending big comes naturally to him.

 

Now, to the guys who are arguing that women should go dutch: you are acting like women. You are trying to turn so-called feminist "egalitarianism" back against women. We are not all equal; men and women are different. Once you accept one tenet of this weak ideology, you're on a slippery slope to becoming an androgynous wimp. You're watering down your greatest asset: your masculinity.

 

I get it, I really do. Many men want to see 'equality' start to benefit them. It's not going to happen. This 'equality' starts and ends with a woman's wants. But what they really want, deep down, is for a man to be a f'ing man. Don't lose your greatest asses by jumping on the 'equality' train.

 

I'll let a woman buy one round on a date, or do something nice for my Birthday. But, in general, I pay for the dates. This is my world, and she is joining in. I've dated women that earn four/five times the amount of money that I do. Doesn't matter - the principle is the same: Men lead.

[ZA Dater]

I'd happily pay every time if I was spending time with someone I really liked...oh the power of being desperate lol.

[van smack]

A girl who I recently dated that I met online (found out that she had been married twice and has 3 kids before) texted me that she would no longer go out with me because we split the bill the night we went out. After our date she said I had a good time and wanted to meet again. She complained all night about going to her friend's birthday party but went anyways after our date. What is common practice about paying on the first date especially when meeting someone from an online site like match? I usually split the bill with girls on the first date and its never been a problem. As for the girl, it sounds like this is a blessing in disguise as she has tons of baggage and has some real issues.

[brokengirl85]

The man should pay the first three dates. If you don't have enough money to invite her, tell her upfront and before you arrange something.

 

This happened to me twice in my life. I blocked the guys immediately I said goodbye. And of course, there was no kiss. I think it's rude to invite someone to later back up and make her pay her part.

[hippychick3]

In all of my first dates from online, I have never been asked to split the bill. That would have been such a turnoff for me. If you're concerned about spending money on someone you may not see again, go out for just a coffee or drink. Some girls may not mind splitting the bill, but many would be completely turned off.

[Redhead14]

The first time you meet someone from OLD, it's not a "date". It's a short meetup to confirm that they are who they say they are and look like their picture and to see if there is enough there to warrant a real date. You don't spend a lot of money on it. Each person should pay for their own drinks, coffee, etc. You don't want to "commit" to a real date especially if they have somehow misrepresented themselves or doesn't meet your "impression"/expectations.

[brokengirl85]

The first time you meet someone from OLD, it's not a "date". It's a short meetup to confirm that they are who they say they are and look like their picture and to see if there is enough there to warrant a real date. You don't spend a lot of money on it. Each person should pay for their own drinks, coffee, etc. You don't want to "commit" to a real date especially if they have somehow misrepresented themselves or doesn't meet your "impression"/expectations.

 

I disagree. If a guy doesn't pay for my coffee (at least!!) I'd assume he's not interested in further pursuing me and I'll instantly move on to the next one.

 

And yes, even though first dates are not real dates (they are, btw) first impressions are key.

 

I've never paid on a first, second, and third date. If I had to split the bil, these guys never heard from me again

[d0nnivain]

This lady did you a favor. She's trouble.

 

 

That said, as a woman, I have never accepted a date I couldn't pay for but I also think the person who asked ought to pay. I would always offer to split any check. I wouldn't hold it against a guy who took me up on it but I wouldn't be thrilled either. If a guy asked me to split the check, I would not go on a 2nd date with him. I would be encouraged by a man who said, I got this, you can get the next one.

 

 

Problem is there are no longer hard & fast rules about this. You need to figure out your own relationship with money & where you want a new romantic interest to fit into that & be true to yourself.

[Robratory]

A first date, especially after meeting online, should be a coffee date that costs no more than the $1.89 for a small coffee. Whoever arrives at Peet's or Starbucks first, buys their own coffee. The one who arrives later buys his or her own coffee too.

 

If after meeting in real life, you wish to go out, whoever extends the invitation (i.e. the guy) should expect to pay for the evening. However, if she suggests paying half or going dutch, the guy should accept this without blinking.

 

Never, ever try to pay as a way to ingratiate yourself into her good graces. It doesn't work. If she likes you, you can stick her with the bill every time and she won't mind. If she doesn't like you, paying for everything won't change that.

 

P.S. In no way am I suggesting you stick anyone with the bill at any time. Always pay your own way and offer to pay the way of others.

[SwordofFlame]

Well if you're looking for a traditional kind of woman, then yeah you should have paid. If you're looking for a more modern type of woman that may be a feminist. Splitting is just fine.

[Wewon]

A girl who I recently dated that I met online (found out that she had been married twice and has 3 kids before) texted me that she would no longer go out with me because we split the bill the night we went out. After our date she said I had a good time and wanted to meet again. She complained all night about going to her friend's birthday party but went anyways after our date. What is common practice about paying on the first date especially when meeting someone from an online site like match?

 

I usually split the bill with girls on the first date and its never been a problem.

 

As for the girl, it sounds like this is a blessing in disguise as she has tons of baggage and has some real issues.

 

If this woman is a fluke, then I would write her off.

 

It sounds like you're meeting the women that you want to meet for the most part.

[SugarLips72]

I expect men to pay on the first date and probably on the second. If they dont I assume they are not interested in me or just flat out are clueless on women and dating. Not my kind of guy.

 

If you want a cheap date when you first meet then just meet for coffee or something.

 

On another note, this woman has a ton of baggage. Unless she is older and her kids are older, she doesnt sound like a catch to me.

 

Online dating can be fun but make the first meeting cheap and informal. Like coffee, or a drink at a bar. That way if you dont like her you are not stuck with a huge bill or some long drawn out date

[Wewon]

I know a lot of women find the prospect of a man not paying offensive, but this isn't really about you. It would be like a woman saying that she wants a guy that likes needle point, and 1/2 a dozen guys posting about how they hate needle point. Its better to date someone that matches your sensibilities than it is to try to convert someone over to your belief system.

 

This is something that the OP wants and with the exception of this woman, hasn't had any problem with it.

[Mrin]

Here's my take:

 

1. Always pay the first date. Even if she tries to split it with you.

 

2. Expect and offer to pay the second and third date. If she starts really trying to pick up the tab or split it with you, just say - how about you get the next one?

 

Honestly, as long as you're not being stupid about what you're doing with her, it isn't all that much money. And I don't think any guy can go wrong following my advice.

 

Here's something that hasn't been mentioned here and may have happened with you: even if the woman is perfectly cool splitting the tab with you, her friends (The Committee) might not be. Never underestimate the power of The Committee. The less fodder you give The Committee to work with, the better.

[madjac74]

If you are already fighting about money then just quit now. That is supposed to be issues for when you have been dating for awhile and moved in together and have real world bills

[strawberryshortstack]

I know a lot of women find the prospect of a man not paying offensive, but this isn't really about you. It would be like a woman saying that she wants a guy that likes needle point, and 1/2 a dozen guys posting about how they hate needle point. Its better to date someone that matches your sensibilities than it is to try to convert someone over to your belief system.

 

This is something that the OP wants and with the exception of this woman, hasn't had any problem with it.

 

But he asked a question, and people were sharing their opinions and experiences.

Edited February 22, 2016 by shystrawberry

[Leigh 87]

It's a matter of personal preference.

 

Girls who prefer more generous men who innately prefer to be the ones treating a woman, aren't in the wrong.

 

Men who split checks aren't in to wrong either.

 

I also won't date men who split checks. I just prefer men who have that primal urge to treat his girl. That desire in a man is extremely sexy.

 

And may I add--- I DO NOT give unequally in relationships. Yes I only date men who pay for dates and day trips and the like but I DO give back as much as I get.

 

I believe bills and the rest should be equal in commensurate to income. I don't want a free ride. I am an adult not a dependant child.

 

There is just something about men who split checks that is inherently repulsive to me. I cannot be sexually attracted to men who split. Women are feminine and shave their under arms...and legs. ..... well men are providers and court women by nature. I feel taken care of a spoilt and romanced when men pay for dates.

 

If there is a bar prior to dinner I sometimes insist on treating the guy. Although again, I prefer to give back and compensate for my lack of paying for dates via presents/ gifts. Like how I am going to treat my bf tl a massage in a few weeks at a day spa.

 

There is no right or wrong way. It's about finding someone compatible.

[Gershwin]

If a guy wants to split the bill on first date, I'd just assume oh it's not a date/he's not interested/he's cheap/has financial issues that can be a problem later on.

 

If I want a second date, I let them pay & offer to pay next time.. Further dates, we take turns paying.

 

It seem unfair, but it is what it is. I'd think same thing applies to guys who find women who never pay/offers to cook beyond the first three dates a turnoff.

 

If you don't want to spend a lot, go for coffee dates, although where I live, no coffee costs $2 LOL.

[strawberryshortstack]

I prefer to let the guy pay for the first two/three dates, and then we either split the checks, or alternate who pays, with exceptions for special occasions. With my current bf, he paid for the first two dates, then we started alternating. However, if he knows I'm broke or have a tight budget one week, he'll cover the whole check, and he treated for V-Day of course.

 

We're both happy with the arrangement, but not everyone will be.

[joseb]

I used to always pay everything and refuse to split (unless she was insistent, which is unusual)

However I'm changing my policy, for a few reasons.

If a guy is reasonably successful with attracting women, he will be going on a lot of dates. If he lives somewhere like Melbourne, even a few drinks can easily top $100. If your talking nice restaurants, well it can skyrocket.

Paying for all that on, say, 3 dates a week takes a serious chunk out of disposable income. I have long term plans and don't want to flitter away my hard earned cash trying to impress someone I've just met. They should be trying to impress me just as much. If they are only impressed because of my willingness to pay, then they are probably the wrong type of woman for me anyway.

 

A lot of people here are talking about what they are doing in relationships. This is about dating.

Edited February 22, 2016 by joseb

[SwordofFlame]

I feel like the answer to this question should be different based on if you met the person through OLD or through friends. As a guy, I think it's a lot more reasonable to be generous in the latter scenario but with OLD...you have to be careful. There are women that are just bored and/or will use you for a free meal. Plus if you're multidating and go on a lot of dates, the cost can really add up for a guy.

[joseb]

I feel like the answer to this question should be different based on if you met the person through OLD or through friends. As a guy, I think it's a lot more reasonable to be generous in the latter scenario but with OLD...you have to be careful. There are women that are just bored and/or will use you for a free meal. Plus if you're multidating and go on a lot of dates, the cost can really add up for a guy.

 

That's what prompted my change of heart. Too many boring expensive dates.

I think I'll go back to coffee dates - I used to think maybe the lack of alcohol was making the date boring but I think some people are just not all that interesting (or just not on you wavelength).

 

Or do walkabout dates, or other quirky stuff.

[RecentChange]

Haven't read the replies!

 

I always pull out my wallet when the bill arrives, and I have NEVER had a guy take me up on the offer.

 

Always wave my reach away, and say they have it....

 

I DO always carry some cash, and say let me get the tip at least. Most don't take me up on that offer either.

[Oiseau]

It's an ancient relic from the past that men are expected to pay. It puts additional economical strain on the man in times where we strive for equality.

 

But this mentality is pretty widespread. Most girls today are what I call non-effort. Guys are expected to ask the them out, pay and take the initiative every time. It gets old, really.

 

Just recently asked a girl out, but she couldn't give me an answer because apparently her friend liked me. She waited 3 weeks before she contacted me again for a "talk" where we met each other. The entire thing was basically her saying she wanted me to ask her out again and that I should push more.

 

How on earth does this even make sense in someone's head? I literally asked you out and you didn't give me an answer, and you expect me to READ YOUR MIND and ask you again?

 

Sadly, I'm yet to meet any girl that actually puts in effort.

[Shining One]

If a guy wants to split the bill on first date, I'd just assume oh it's not a date/he's not interested/he's cheap/has financial issues that can be a problem later on.

It's quite sad how both men and women tend to assume the negative in various dating situations. Notice how the possibility that he's looking for an equal partner or believes in fairness doesn't even enter your mind.

I used to always pay everything and refuse to split (unless she was insistent, which is unusual)

However I'm changing my policy, for a few reasons.

I used to always pay as well. I've since changed to the following approach: I will pay for the first date and accept any offers from the woman to contribute after that first date. If a woman doesn't offer to contribute or doesn't reciprocate in some other fashion (cooking dinner, for example) by three to five dates, I end things with her. I also keep these early dates relatively cheap and only go to places with drink specials. However, if a woman steps up and pays for the second date, I'll go someplace nice for the third.