The new, consolidated, Paying for Dates thread

[No_Go]

Haha, I NEVER had a man rejecting my offer to pay. Plus when I offer to pay, I most often pay for BOTH of us.

 

I don't always like it, but I have paid for them. And then the guys start looking like little boys to me. That's the reciprocal price that they pay to me....

 

Haven't read the replies!

 

I always pull out my wallet when the bill arrives, and I have NEVER had a guy take me up on the offer.

 

Always wave my reach away, and say they have it....

 

I DO always carry some cash, and say let me get the tip at least. Most don't take me up on that offer either.

[No_Go]

Um if the alcohol is needed to make the date interesting, I'm scared to think about the quality of the dates...

 

Walkabout dates are awesome though. Pretty much the best idea for the beginning.

 

That's what prompted my change of heart. Too many boring expensive dates.

I think I'll go back to coffee dates - I used to think maybe the lack of alcohol was making the date boring but I think some people are just not all that interesting (or just not on you wavelength).

 

Or do walkabout dates, or other quirky stuff.

[Shining One]

Haha, I NEVER had a man rejecting my offer to pay. Plus when I offer to pay, I most often pay for BOTH of us.

 

I don't always like it, but I have paid for them. And then the guys start looking like little boys to me. That's the reciprocal price that they pay to me....

Can you elaborate on this? Are you offering to pay all of the time and they are accepting all of the time? I stick to alternating dates (I pay for everything for one date, she pays for everything the next date). I would feel odd taking more than 50% from a woman, even if she made significantly more than me. The only time I accepted this was when I was dating a woman who was allowed to expense all of our meals, including alcohol.

[No_Go]

In my experience men have accepted any time that i offered. However, the decent ones have tried to reciprocate if so: e.g. by cooking for me, paying for something else (e.g. movie after the diner etc).

 

I probably just haven't encountered the more traditional type of men.

 

Btw if I don't offer, some will just pay, others will look around waiting something to happen...

 

Manipulators happen to appear in both genders. Generosity is also not connected to net worth of the person.

 

Can you elaborate on this? Are you offering to pay all of the time and they are accepting all of the time? I stick to alternating dates (I pay for everything for one date, she pays for everything the next date). I would feel odd taking more than 50% from a woman, even if she made significantly more than me. The only time I accepted this was when I was dating a woman who was allowed to expense all of our meals, including alcohol.

[Shining One]

Manipulators happen to appear in both genders. Generosity is also not connected to net worth of the person.

I completely agree. I've dated women who make over $150K and would never even look at their purse on a date. My current girlfriend makes less than half of what I make, yet she still insists on treating me as often as she can.

[joseb]

Um if the alcohol is needed to make the date interesting, I'm scared to think about the quality of the dates...

 

Walkabout dates are awesome though. Pretty much the best idea for the beginning.

 

HAHA, yeah one really was that bad,

on others it's more that I think people relax a bit after a drink or two.

[Shining One]

Um if the alcohol is needed to make the date interesting, I'm scared to think about the quality of the dates...

Some people are very nervous initially and alcohol helps them open up (no euphemisms intended). My girlfriend was very quiet during dinner on our first date, but she talked more after she had some drinks. I had to get two martinis in her before she met my parents.

[Gershwin]

It's quite sad how both men and women tend to assume the negative in various dating situations. Notice how the possibility that he's looking for an equal partner or believes in fairness doesn't even enter your mind.

 

It's just anecdotal from my experience. I'm Asian so it's much more common for guys to pay though I always take turns paying & prefer that.

 

The only times guys didn't pay the first time, they turned out to be too broke to date (splitting down to the cents! want me to pay for them too!), or considered it just as a friendly, one on one dinner (happened a lot more often than you think, now I take it as a big clue!). Meanwhile those who insisted on paying the first few dates were happy to take turns & be on equal footing. Go figure

[katiegrl]

Splitting the check (in the early stags) makes me feel more like a friend rather than a woman he is interested in romantically.

 

It certainly does NOT inspire me to feel feminine and attractive or draw me to him in any sort of sexual or romantic way.

 

It would feel like we are just friends.

 

I spose I and other women like me like to be courted in a way. It makes us feel special, and that always inspires good feelings in a woman, and just another way to build attraction.

 

It's just a nice thing for a man to do (again early stages)... and in my experience it benefits the man too, as it draws her "to" him in a romantic way... as opposed to making her feel like she is just a friend.

 

I don't expect men to understand this, although many do. Many of the younger ones (20s) do not unfortunately... but if the women they date are okay with splitting, then that's all that matters!

Edited August 29, 2016 by katiegrl

[BikerAccnt]

Splitting the check (in the early stags) makes me feel more like a friend rather than a woman he is interested in romantically.

 

It certainly does NOT inspire me to feel feminine and attractive or draw me to him in any sort of sexual or romantic way.

 

It would feel like we are just friends.

 

I spose I and other women like me like to be courted in a way. It makes us feel special, and that always inspires good feelings in a woman, and just another way to build attraction.

 

It's just a nice thing for a man to do (again early stages)... and in my experience it benefits the man too, as it draws her "to" him in a romantic way... as opposed to making her feel like she is just a friend.

 

I don't expect men to understand this, although many do. Many of the younger ones (20s) do not unfortunately... but if the women they date are okay with splitting, then that's all that matters!

 

 

This is worth noting and repeating gentlemen. There are a lot of posts here from men lamenting the fact that the women they meet treat them more like friends, than like romantic partners.

 

In order to have women treat us like romantic partners (if that's in the cards at all) we need to TREAT them like romantic partners. When I go out with the guys, we split the bill, when I take a woman out, especially at first, I pay.

 

Don't treat them like a friend, and maybe you won't end up one.

 

 

signed

...an easily brushed aside opinion from an old guy...

[carhill]

I personally haven't seen a correlation between paying and signaling romance and responding in a romantic way based upon that signal. By that I mean that a woman, and many have in my personal experience dating over 20 years back before I got married, made no connection between how they felt and who paid. The most marked of those were the ones who turned out to be married. Those were epic

 

However, I did come to respect the ones who took the kindly offered generosity as a clear romantic signal and declined either prior to or after if they 'weren't feeling it'. They were, perhaps ironically, a ray of sunshine in an otherwise gloomy period. They kept my faith in honest dealings alive.

 

What's interesting, as a lifetime 'payer', I find it a bit odd, even with friends, when someone else pays for my dinner, event, ticket, whatever. There's a blip. Whenever I'm covering the check or whatever, nothing. Feels normal and customary and unexceptional. Those are probably old socialization messages which never got totally re-written.

[katiegrl]

I personally haven't seen a correlation between paying and signaling romance and responding in a romantic way based upon that signal. By that I mean that a woman, and many have in my personal experience dating over 20 years back before I got married, made no connection between how they felt and who paid. The most marked of those were the ones who turned out to be married. Those were epic

 

However, I did come to respect the ones who took the kindly offered generosity as a clear romantic signal and declined either prior to or after if they 'weren't feeling it'. They were, perhaps ironically, a ray of sunshine in an otherwise gloomy period. They kept my faith in honest dealings alive.

 

What's interesting, as a lifetime 'payer', I find it a bit odd, even with friends, when someone else pays for my dinner, event, ticket, whatever. There's a blip. Whenever I'm covering the check or whatever, nothing. Feels normal and customary and unexceptional. Those are probably old socialization messages which never got totally re-written.

 

Demographics may play a role in this too. I grew up in a rather affluent suburb north of NYC (not that that has a bearing but it might)... and was raised to believe (even expect) that the man "courts" the woman... at least in the early stages.

 

So I, and most of the women I knew at the time (and know today) have become conditioned to that... to be 'courted'.

 

Also, some of us can't help how we feel, we have no control over that.

 

If I did, believe me I would be more than happy to split.... but again, it only serves to make me feel like a friend.

 

I was raised to believe when man asks me out on a date, he pays. It is his pleasure to treat me.

 

That is how my dad treated my mom and how my brothers treat the women they date.

 

The times when I have offered to split, it meant I had NO interest in the man beyond friendship. And don't wish to date him again. They never accepted my offer though and would insist on paying.

 

Just my experience and what I personally respond do.

 

To each his own as I always say.

[katiegrl]

I recall one time when I first started dating my ex... I offered to pay and he was actually INSULTED!

 

He was raised in NY also... same area as I was.

 

So many men have been raised to believe it's his role to court also.

 

Once a RL has been established, it becomes more equal. But even then, my ex would insist on paying.

 

I gave back in other ways...it worked out well for us.

Edited August 29, 2016 by katiegrl

[insert_name]

This is worth noting and repeating gentlemen. There are a lot of posts here from men lamenting the fact that the women they meet treat them more like friends, than like romantic partners.

 

In order to have women treat us like romantic partners (if that's in the cards at all) we need to TREAT them like romantic partners. When I go out with the guys, we split the bill, when I take a woman out, especially at first, I pay.

 

Don't treat them like a friend, and maybe you won't end up one.

 

 

signed

...an easily brushed aside opinion from an old guy...

 

So let me guess this straight: I need to make sure I pay for a meal just to make sure that when she rejects me afterwards I can comfort myself that of all the myriad reasons at least it isn't because she saw me as just a friend? Sounds like money well spent to me! (Although I do appreciate that you mean well in what you say)

 

For the record I have on occasion paid for meals but I won't do so indiscriminately and it depends on how things are going with the girl- I don't expect it to have to end in sex, as long as I feel she isn't out for a free dinner, that she is enjoying my company and I'm confident of another date then I am happy to pay. I won't pay simply because she is female.

 

That being said I leave any sort of serious expense for date 2 or 3 and there has to have been some sort of physical interaction, at least a kiss. I've been lucky that my standard first date of drinks in a bar the girls have been more than willing to alternate buying rounds. People who go for meals or any kind of major expense on the first date are almost asking for trouble really.

[katiegrl]

So let me guess this straight: I need to make sure I pay for a meal just to make sure that when she rejects me afterwards I can comfort myself that of all the myriad reasons at least it isn't because she saw me as just a friend? Sounds like money well spent to me! (Although I do appreciate that you mean well in what you say)

 

 

Speaking personally and I stated this in a previous post, when I have no interest in a man and know I do not wish to date him again, I WILL INSIST ON SPLITTING.

 

I think it's wrong for a woman to allow a man to pay when she KNOWS she isn't interested.

 

My friends feel the same.

[Woggle]

If you are a woman that wants a man to hold up his end of the traditional roles you should hold up your end as well. If you want to feel feminine then act like it. I believe in more modern roles but I know tradition is a two way street. I think much of what you see from men these days is resentment against it only being expected one way.

[SwordofFlame]

Speaking personally and I stated this in a previous post, when I have no interest in a man and know I do not wish to date him again, I WILL INSIST ON SPLITTING.

 

I think it's wrong for a woman to allow a man to pay when she KNOWS she isn't interested.

 

My friends feel the same.

 

I would never just sleep with a woman and never call her again. Yet it happens all the time.

[PrettyEmily77]

These things really are only a concern for people who date often and indiscriminately.

 

I wouldn't date any random guy either because he seems vaguely appealing or because I'm bored and needs a distraction and he'll do for now; ergo, I've never had the agony of figuring out who pays what and when. All sorted on the date itself, and not reading too much into it either.

 

So date less often, only date someone you're genuinely interested in (can't be that many) and therefore pay less often.

Edited August 29, 2016 by PrettyEmily77

[katiegrl]

I would never just sleep with a woman and never call her again. Yet it happens all the time.

 

Yes I get it happens all the time, as does women allowing a man to pay knowing she's not interested.

 

It's wrong and it sucks... and I have zero respect for women who do this.

[salparadise]

Yes I get it happens all the time, as does women allowing a man to pay knowing she's not interested.

 

It's wrong and it sucks... and I have zero respect for women who do this.

 

I don't see why being interested or not has any bearing on it? Is it because you view him enjoying the pleasure of your company as being transactional?

[Shining One]

Demographics may play a role in this too. I grew up in a rather affluent suburb north of NYC (not that that has a bearing but it might)... and was raised to believe (even expect) that the man "courts" the woman... at least in the early stages.

 

So I, and most of the women I knew at the time (and know today) have become conditioned to that... to be 'courted'.

 

Also, some of us can't help how we feel, we have no control over that.

Some of us choose to break away from our upbringing. I grew up in a culture where women are subservient to men. Yes, the man pays for everything, but he controls her money too. She is also a virgin until marriage and comes with a generous dowry. I have forsaken all of that by choice. Thus, I don't buy the "we have no control" reasoning.

[katiegrl]

I don't see why being interested or not has any bearing on it? Is it because you view him enjoying the pleasure of your company as being transactional?

 

Because I don't want him spending his money on me if I am not interested.

 

If I am interested, then him paying makes me feel the way I explained in all my previous posts... which ends up being a win-win for both of us!

 

Which again was explained in my previous posts.

 

It works well for me and the men I date.

 

If it doesn't work for you and you and your dates prefer to split, that's fine too... no skin off my nose. lol

[katiegrl]

Some of us choose to break away from our upbringing. I grew up in a culture where women are subservient to men. Yes, the man pays for everything, but he controls her money too. She is also a virgin until marriage and comes with a generous dowry. I have forsaken all of that by choice. Thus, I don't buy the "we have no control" reasoning.

 

Look we are discussing basic courtship here, the man asks (invites) a woman out on a date and thus he pays. It's not rocket science.

 

What we are not discussing is a woman being subservient to men or him controlling her money, or she's a virgin until marriage, etc. come on now.

 

I said this before but will repeat for emphasis.

 

It works well for me and the men I date.

If it doesn't work for you and you and your dates prefer to split, that's fine too... no skin off my nose.

 

And the men I date and have RLs with are NO pushovers either. They are strong, smart, masculine, successful men.

 

They just feel the same way I do about courtship, which is all that matters.

Edited August 29, 2016 by katiegrl

[Shining One]

Look we are discussing basic courtship here, the man asks (invites) a woman out on a date and thus he pays. It's not rocket science.

 

What we are not discussing is a woman being subservient to men or him controlling her money, or she's a virgin until marriage, etc. come on now.

You were using tradition to defend the "man should pay" argument. You said you could not help but follow tradition / how you were raised. I was challenging that assertion by using myself as an example.

 

The tradition / how I was raised argument is a key component of this topic. However, in many cases, it's people being selective about traditions which benefit them.

[katiegrl]

You were using tradition to defend the "man should pay" argument. You said you could not help but follow tradition / how you were raised. I was challenging that assertion by using myself as an example.

 

 

It's also how I feel. As I said, splitting the bill on those early dates make me feel like a friend rather than a woman he is interested in romantically and sexually.

 

I could scream against tradition until hell freezes over, it still wouldn't have any bearing on how I feel.