The new, consolidated, Paying for Dates thread

[Fugu]

I'm flexibly old fashioned. It's almost always the men who ask women out on dates, so I think men should offer to pay but allow women to split it if it makes them feel more comfortable.

 

When I was dating I'd offer to pay and my date would often offer to pay for coffee or something else later, though I never felt like it was necessary. If a woman never offered to pay for anything, I started to have doubts about whether we saw relationships in the same way.

[Shining One]

Over £100 for a dinner with a near stranger is silly, I'm sorry. Not only is it silly, but unless this part of your normal lifestyle, it's unsustainable long term - spending to impress will get you girls who are impressed with spending.

It always confuses me how some of the guys on LS complain and complain about 'being taken advantage of', and then use as an example the time they splashed (insert huge bill here) on a girl they barely knew and then found out she wasn't interested in them. Like, dude, you pretty much set yourself up for that. How about going on more affordable dates while you get to know each other?

Overspending on dates is a lesson most of have to learn the hard way. In many cases (at least for me), the spending wasn't planned to be that high. I used to cater my dates based on the tastes of the woman I'm going out with. For example, one woman mentioned she liked lychee martinis on our first phone conversation. I then took her to a place I knew had good lychee martinis. I didn't count on her drinking five of them at $14 each. In another case, I took a date who liked roasted chicken to a $15 p/p restaurant where she consumed $50 worth of alcohol with dinner. Another involved a sushi bar where the rolls ranged in price from $15 to $40. Guess which one she went with.

 

Now, I no longer cater my early dates to the preferences of the woman. We go somewhere with cheap drinks and/or drink specials and relatively cheap food. I save the nicer places until we're exclusive.

[Sanman]

Overspending on dates is a lesson most of have to learn the hard way. In many cases (at least for me), the spending wasn't planned to be that high. I used to cater my dates based on the tastes of the woman I'm going out with. For example, one woman mentioned she liked lychee martinis on our first phone conversation. I then took her to a place I knew had good lychee martinis. I didn't count on her drinking five of them at $14 each. In another case, I took a date who liked roasted chicken to a $15 p/p restaurant where she consumed $50 worth of alcohol with dinner. Another involved a sushi bar where the rolls ranged in price from $15 to $40. Guess which one she went with.

 

Now, I no longer cater my early dates to the preferences of the woman. We go somewhere with cheap drinks and/or drink specials and relatively cheap food. I save the nicer places until we're exclusive.

 

I've said it before and I will say it again. In places like NYC, San Francisco, London, spending that much on dinner is not hard. I got very good at finding cheap places later in my dating career, but the bills rack up fast and often the women never call you back. I have had women often suggest such places in the past that are this expensive. While you can weed these women out, it takes a date or two and that costs money.

[No_Go]

I then took her to a place I knew had good lychee martinis. I didn't count on her drinking five of them at $14 each. In another case, I took a date who liked roasted chicken to a $15 p/p restaurant where she consumed $50 worth of alcohol with dinner

Oh I'm sorry but if you're ok dating raging alcoholics the problem is not theirs

If a dude drank over 2-3 drinks on a dinner out regardless of where and/or who payed - I'd be out and running (well, I made one exception and it ended terribly).

 

 

 

Overspending on dates is a lesson most of have to learn the hard way. In many cases (at least for me), the spending wasn't planned to be that high. I used to cater my dates based on the tastes of the woman I'm going out with. For example, one woman mentioned she liked lychee martinis on our first phone conversation. I then took her to a place I knew had good lychee martinis. I didn't count on her drinking five of them at $14 each. In another case, I took a date who liked roasted chicken to a $15 p/p restaurant where she consumed $50 worth of alcohol with dinner. Another involved a sushi bar where the rolls ranged in price from $15 to $40. Guess which one she went with.

 

Now, I no longer cater my early dates to the preferences of the woman. We go somewhere with cheap drinks and/or drink specials and relatively cheap food. I save the nicer places until we're exclusive.

[Els]

Overspending on dates is a lesson most of have to learn the hard way. In many cases (at least for me), the spending wasn't planned to be that high. I used to cater my dates based on the tastes of the woman I'm going out with. For example, one woman mentioned she liked lychee martinis on our first phone conversation. I then took her to a place I knew had good lychee martinis. I didn't count on her drinking five of them at $14 each. In another case, I took a date who liked roasted chicken to a $15 p/p restaurant where she consumed $50 worth of alcohol with dinner. Another involved a sushi bar where the rolls ranged in price from $15 to $40. Guess which one she went with.

 

Now, I no longer cater my early dates to the preferences of the woman. We go somewhere with cheap drinks and/or drink specials and relatively cheap food. I save the nicer places until we're exclusive.

 

If I were in your place, I would have just not offered to pay in those cases. They're clearly taking advantage of it, so why bother courting them? Any decent woman knows that if you want your date to pay, you don't rack up a bill that is five times of theirs.

 

But yes, cheap early dates is always a good idea.

[Shining One]

I then took her to a place I knew had good lychee martinis. I didn't count on her drinking five of them at $14 each. In another case, I took a date who liked roasted chicken to a $15 p/p restaurant where she consumed $50 worth of alcohol with dinner

Oh I'm sorry but if you're ok dating raging alcoholics the problem is not theirs

If a dude drank over 2-3 drinks on a dinner out regardless of where and/or who payed - I'd be out and running (well, I made one exception and it ended terribly).

It's not as if they announced the number of drinks they planned to have before the date. In my dating experience, 2-3 seems to be the average around here.

[insert_name]

Why would you go on $100+ dates before the two of you are exclusive? (unless money isn't an issue at all, in which case both points would be moot)

 

Oh there was some poor judgement on my part, for sure, but that being said whilst exclusivity had not yet been discussed she told me a few things that weren't true in order to 'reel me in' and keep me thinking that it was going somewhere. In that sense I didn't mind picking up the tab picking her words and actions suggested that there were plenty more dates ahead.

 

I will totally admit that looking back on that encounter now does make me thoroughly question my motives for paying for dates in general because being honest I can't say I do so entirely altruistically - I view it as an 'investment' or sorts. I don't expect sex, nothing at all like that, but I do expect something in return: to at least be treated with some sort of respect. I don't pick up the tab for meals often but of late, when I have, they haven't been good experiences and I haven't really got any sort of value out of it. I guess it must work for other people but I am going to save my money for myself in future until I know that there is some serious interest.

[Els]

I've said it before and I will say it again. In places like NYC, San Francisco, London, spending that much on dinner is not hard. I got very good at finding cheap places later in my dating career, but the bills rack up fast and often the women never call you back. I have had women often suggest such places in the past that are this expensive. While you can weed these women out, it takes a date or two and that costs money.

 

Spending lots of money is never 'hard', but that doesn't mean it's necessary. I have never been to NYC, but I know that in London you can get a pretty good 3 course dinner with a drink each for less than 30 pounds per person.

 

Just choose cheaper places. With some research, you can absolutely find gorgeous, affordable places to go to. If she explicitly suggests an expensive place and isn't interested in cheaper suggestions, I also think it's fair to split the bill.

Edited September 2, 2016 by Elswyth

[PrettyEmily77]

Nor should you. Low key is the most sensible option.

 

I hope you won't mind me saying that, but I'd personally be a tad tense at such a display of 'thoughtfulness' early on. Unless I have interacted with the guy for a while, I won't find it cute that he'd remember something I said before we'd even met. A while later yeah, but on day one no.

 

Now, I no longer cater my early dates to the preferences of the woman.

[xxoo]

I'd never, ever let a guy pay for an expensive dinner if I wasn't already interested in him.

 

But I wouldn't let a guy pay for a cheap dinner if I wasn't interested, either.

[insert_name]

Over £100 for a dinner with a near stranger is silly, I'm sorry. Not only is it silly, but unless this part of your normal lifestyle, it's unsustainable long term - spending to impress will get you girls who are impressed with spending.

 

I would feel very uncomfortable with a guy splashing this amount on me or me on him (unless as a super special treat after a while and for a special occasion) and would much rather something low key and more in tune with the guy's (or my) actual lifestyle.

 

If this is normal to you, you need to find someone with the inclination and bank account to match that so she can reciprocate.

 

See my post above - she wasn't a stranger as such, we had been on a few dates and she seemed keen so I thought I would push the boat out a bit. Don't get me wrong, it was money I could afford to waste but that being said I definitely don't pay that much for restaurant food regularly, it felt like a special occasion because we were getting on so well. Sadly I got the wrong end of the stick (and she certainly helped in that respect) and based on her behaviour after I definitely should have taken my friends out for drinks and spent the money on them instead!

 

Live and learn. I am definitely far more careful now, hence my rather cynical attitude to the idea of the man picking up the tab, especially early on. Guys should keep their wallet in their pocket until they know they are on solid ground with the woman they are dating!

[insert_name]

I'd never, ever let a guy pay for an expensive dinner if I wasn't already interested in him.

 

But I wouldn't let a guy pay for a cheap dinner if I wasn't interested, either.

 

I think most guys would be fine with that sort of attitude - there are, sadly, girls who will let the guy pick up the tab no matter how they feel about him and it ruins it for every one.

[xxoo]

I think most guys would be fine with that sort of attitude - there are, sadly, girls who will let the guy pick up the tab no matter how they feel about him and it ruins it for every one.

 

There will always be users in the world, including the dating world. Men and women, both.

[Shining One]

I hope you won't mind me saying that, but I'd personally be a tad tense at such a display of 'thoughtfulness' early on. Unless I have interacted with the guy for a while, I won't find it cute that he'd remember something I said before we'd even met. A while later yeah, but on day one no.

Interesting. I had not thought of this. Generally, these were phone conversations we had when planning our first date (lychee martini woman) or something on her OLD profile (roasted chicken woman). I've already stopped being "thoughtful" early on for practical reasons, but I may start a thread on this topic. You learn something new every day!

[Sanman]

Spending lots of money is never 'hard', but that doesn't mean it's necessary. I have never been to NYC, but I know that in London you can get a pretty good 3 course dinner with a drink each for less than 30 pounds per person.

 

Just choose cheaper places. With some research, you can absolutely find gorgeous, affordable places to go to. If she explicitly suggests an expensive place and isn't interested in cheaper suggestions, I also think it's fair to split the bill.

 

As I said, you live and you learn. Not something I would do in retrospect, but I'm married now so it really doesn't matter who pays. I do think it is a lesson that a lot of young men up learning though and part of the reason that this discussion comes up. Can't say I escape it completely though. I took my wife out to dinner and for a boat ride on her birthday. He sister decided to come along (just out of university with no job) dined on lunch and dinner and went on a boat cruise on my dime and never offered to chip in for herself. Fast forward two weeks, buys herself a $40k luxury car.

[Sanman]

Spending lots of money is never 'hard', but that doesn't mean it's necessary. I have never been to NYC, but I know that in London you can get a pretty good 3 course dinner with a drink each for less than 30 pounds per person.

 

Just choose cheaper places. With some research, you can absolutely find gorgeous, affordable places to go to. If she explicitly suggests an expensive place and isn't interested in cheaper suggestions, I also think it's fair to split the bill.

 

As I said, you live and you learn. Not something I would do in retrospect, but I'm married now so it really doesn't matter who pays. I do think it is a lesson that a lot of young men up learning though and part of the reason that this discussion comes up. Can't say I escape it completely though. I took my wife out to dinner and for a boat ride on her birthday. He sister decided to come along (just out of university with no job) dined on lunch and dinner and went on a boat cruise on my dime and never offered to chip in for herself. Fast forward two weeks, buys herself a $40k luxury car. I drive a ten year old Honda and make a six figure salary. Well, at least I know I married the right sister.

[xxoo]

As I said, you live and you learn. Not something I would do in retrospect, but I'm married now so it really doesn't matter who pays. I do think it is a lesson that a lot of young men up learning though and part of the reason that this discussion comes up. Can't say I escape it completely though. I took my wife out to dinner and for a boat ride on her birthday. He sister decided to come along (just out of university with no job) dined on lunch and dinner and went on a boat cruise on my dime and never offered to chip in for herself. Fast forward two weeks, buys herself a $40k luxury car. I drive a ten year old Honda and make a six figure salary. Well, at least I know I married the right sister.

 

Does your wife think her sister should have paid? I wouldn't want my sister to pay in that situation.

[Shining One]

Does your wife think her sister should have paid? I wouldn't want my sister to pay in that situation.

I've been out with my brother and sister-in-law for her birthday. I've always paid my way or contributed to the overall bill in the case of dinner. It's not a dating situation, so why would "dating rules" apply?

[xxoo]

I've been out with my brother and sister-in-law for her birthday. I've always paid my way or contributed to the overall bill in the case of dinner. It's not a dating situation, so why would "dating rules" apply?

 

Maybe it's a sister-thing. When my sisters and I go out, we don't split the check.

 

I hate splitting the check, in any scenario. It's awkward. I'd much rather pick up the check than split with a friend or my sister...or a date.

[Sanman]

Does your wife think her sister should have paid? I wouldn't want my sister to pay in that situation.

 

Oh, we discussed the costs with her prior to her coming. Wife thought she did chip in as both of her sisters have made an obnoxious habit of mooching off of us and than asking for small amounts of money back (she once told my wife she owed her 50 cents recently). My wife is the oldest and we both have good jobs, so we try to be generous at times. My wife has a good heart. The point being, some people just seem to think that they are entitled to others spending money on them.

 

I feel bad for her next boyfriend...the last one was a great guy, too bad she dumped him.

Edited September 2, 2016 by Sanman

[Shining One]

Maybe it's a sister-thing. When my sisters and I go out, we don't split the check.

 

I hate splitting the check, in any scenario. It's awkward. I'd much rather pick up the check than split with a friend or my sister...or a date.

That's a bit different. My brothers and I take turns when we meet up for a meal or drinks. Birthday events tend to run a bit higher and it would seem a bit unreasonable to make that someone's turn. He also has additional birthday costs to consider, so I would feel bad piling more on him.

[xxoo]

Oh, we discussed the costs with her prior to her coming. Wife thought she did chip in as both of her sisters have made an obnoxious habit of mooching off of us and than asking for small amounts of money back (she once told my wife she owed her 50 cents recently). My wife is the oldest and we both have good jobs, so we try to be generous at times. My wife has a good heart. The point being, some people just seem to think that they are entitled to others spending money on them.

 

I feel bad for her next boyfriend...the last one was a great guy, too bad she dumped him.

 

That's a bit different. My brothers and I take turns when we meet up for a meal or drinks. Birthday events tend to run a bit higher and it would seem a bit unreasonable to make that someone's turn. He also has additional birthday costs to consider, so I would feel bad piling more on him.

 

This example shows how different people are, and how much social background matters. I think my H would rather die than let my younger sister pay for a meal It doesn't matter how much money she makes.

[joseb]

This example shows how different people are, and how much social background matters. I think my H would rather die than let my younger sister pay for a meal It doesn't matter how much money she makes.

 

While I think it's a nice sentiment in a way, this kind of thing is probably going to give her an entitled mindset.

[xxoo]

While I think it's a nice sentiment in a way, this kind of thing is probably going to give her an entitled mindset.

 

Nope, not at all.

 

 

She's fiercely independent, but allows her BIL to treat her

[SwordofFlame]

Nope, not at all.

 

 

She's fiercely independent, but allows her BIL to treat her

 

This is something I guess I'll never understand as a guy. Independent women who don't need a guy to take care of them financially still expect men to pay for at least the first few dates. I mean it's kind of contradictory or a paradox. I guess I'm just too logical.