The new, consolidated, Paying for Dates thread

[RecentChange]

I have never had a date, or my BF ( back before he was my husband and we were living together) take me up on an offer to pay when I pulled out my wallet (I would always offer).

 

I always carry some cash and would insist on paying for the tip at least (and even then often turned down).

 

But being told to pay? That would make mw bristle, do you ever tell him it's his turn to pay up?

[JewelD]

I don't think it's normal to do the tit for tat. When it's an established relationship, whoever has it pays.

 

You don't think "Oh, I paid last time, it's your turn". Because you spend so much time with this person, you know they're going to be treating you at some point anyway.

 

I've never really been with a guy who wasn't volunteering to pay for most stuff, regardless of what I was making. A lot of people see that as the traditional way but there are others who like to split it down the middle. Not really my thing though unless we are both broke at the time. But we wouldn't be out buying things anyway.

[Lorenza]

Take turns on paying. Or the one who comes up with the idea/invites - pays.

 

Going dutch is a mood killer IMO.

[sarah999]

I have never had a date, or my BF ( back before he was my husband and we were living together) take me up on an offer to pay when I pulled out my wallet (I would always offer).

 

I always carry some cash and would insist on paying for the tip at least (and even then often turned down).

 

But being told to pay? That would make mw bristle, do you ever tell him it's his turn to pay up?

 

Yeah if he feels like it's my turn, he will just not take out his card when the check comes out and then say "i"ll let you pay for it." Wouldnt it be better if he at least offered to pay than being "reminded " like that... ive never asked him to pay before,

 

 

Take turns on paying. Or the one who comes up with the idea/invites - pays.

 

Going dutch is a mood killer IMO.

 

I mean I don't mind taking turns paying... but sometimes it's like out of the blue that i'm expected to pay, like he drives to take us some place... and then when lunch time comes he just "lets" me pay for lunch.

 

idk again its not about the money for me but the principle. Am i right to be put off by this? Am I overraacting or what?

Edited September 27, 2016 by sarah999

[RecentChange]

I would find it quite off putting.

 

Maybe it's old fashioned, but generally it's the man who pursues, courts, shows his "added value"

 

"Letting" you pay, almost feels like you should pay for the pleasure of his company. Which again, is perhaps old fashioned of me - but I don't gotta pay for the pleasure of any man's company.

 

I am far from a gold digger, and I am actually the bread winner in my household - but still, I wouldn't like it.

 

This is how silly I am - I pay all the bills, house, car, insurance, utilities etc - and he pays for entertainment.

 

Something about him paying for dates, meals out, drinks, trips.... besides then he is never emasculated when we are out, he is always the man paying for his lady, even if the bank statements tell a different story.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I don't believe it's ever bad to go "dutch."

[Smoothman]

On a date, the man pays...always.

[Gr8fuln2020]

On a date, the man pays...always.

 

I tend to be traditional, but ALWAYS is not true and clearly not necessary.

[chumly]

in my opinion it is tough for anybody to be expected to pay for someone else nowadays unless the person is doing very well financially but it also seems annoying to have to balance every little thing out all the time too.

 

I dont have any problems whatsoever about going dutch with someone. I think it is really only fair to do things that way..after all we women do want equality so I guess we got what we wanted. However, like I said, I would really not care much for having to balance every little penny spent and make sure it is all even.

 

I would not put too much stock on your parents beliefs..they are probably just real old school.

 

Good luck

[basil67]

I'm not sure how old you are, but based on your previous posts you sound young.

 

If you're both high school or college, then you should certainly be sharing the cost of entertainment one way or another. It's unfair to put the entire cost on the man if he's got a limited income.

 

However, if you're both working full time jobs, paying can often work it out as a rough percentage of each person's income. If one one of you is working and the other is studying (as opposed to goofing off) it would make sense for the working person to pay more often.

 

Edited to add: I just asked my 17yo daughter about this. She says that now she's got a job, she pays for a bit more than her boyfriend does. He's still looking for a part time job.

Edited September 27, 2016 by basil67

[sarah999]

I'm not sure how old you are, but based on your previous posts you sound young.

 

If you're both high school or college, then you should certainly be sharing the cost of entertainment one way or another. It's unfair to put the entire cost on the man if he's got a limited income.

 

However, if you're both working full time jobs, paying can often work it out as a rough percentage of each person's income. If one one of you is working and the other is studying (as opposed to goofing off) it would make sense for the working person to pay more often.

 

Edited to add: I just asked my 17yo daughter about this. She says that now she's got a job, she pays for a bit more than her boyfriend does. He's still looking for a part time job.

 

we both work full time, and earn the same amount of income (good income so for us there are no financial difficulties).

[SwordofFlame]

Maybe it's a cultural thing. Were you raised in a conservative traditional culture where the man is supposed to pay every time?

[gorf]

If you believe in women's equality, live like you believe it. Don't just pick the best parts that suite your needs.

 

That said, men are the prime providers in a household, and men should provide when they are dating the lady.

[basil67]

we both work full time, and earn the same amount of income (good income so for us there are no financial difficulties).

 

In this case, I think it's entirely fair that you pay roughly half. But then again, I'm an old feminist and believe in equality.

[jiglypuff]

IMO, I think men and women should take turn to pay. I and my partner we're doing it. Or may be, he pays for the dinner and I will pay for the drinks later. He buys the movie tickets, I will get the popcorn. Just in some special day - my birthday for example, he invited me out and paid for everything.

When we order foods back home, if he pay for it, I will make sure that i will pay for it next time and he would do the same things. We don't usually need time to discuss about it. If we see the other is about to pay, we will just let her/him do it, and next time we will take our turn. And we keep doing it since our very first date (at first I let him pay, and gave him money later and told him to take it. Now we see each other regularly so we take turn to pay). No need any discussion about the bill, we just do it naturally.

It shows some respects and also the fact that we all have some investment in our relationship.

[Lois_Griffin]

...Usually at the end of a dinner at a restaurant, we both reach for our cards to pay for the check and go dutch...

That is tacky as hell.

 

Sounds like two co-workers splitting the bill after grabbing lunch. The only thing missing is him pulling out his mini calculator and tabulating exactly what each person owes.

 

It's one thing to take turns paying, and quite another to treat a date like a business lunch. Tacky.

[xxoo]

If you believe in women's equality, live like you believe it. Don't just pick the best parts that suite your needs.

 

That said, men are the prime providers in a household, and men should provide when they are dating the lady.

 

I believe in equal rights. I don't believe every couple must function exactly equally in all ways. What's next, he gets penetrated 50% of the time during sex?? No thanks.

 

Equal rights gives individuals and couples the opportunity to live and work and design their relationships as they wish. I believe in that. And I wish court in a more traditional manner. That's what gives me the warm fuzzy feelings.

[Shining One]

Every time I hear/see the "I'm traditional, you have to spend money on me" argument, I want to respond with "What's the value of the dowry your father intends to give?"

[joseb]

 

I mean I don't mind taking turns paying... but sometimes it's like out of the blue that i'm expected to pay, like he drives to take us some place... and then when lunch time comes he just "lets" me pay for lunch.

 

idk again its not about the money for me but the principle. Am i right to be put off by this? Am I overraacting or what?

 

You have every much a right to be put of by this as I would be if my date "let" me pay for lunch.

 

The whole guys paying dates from days of old when men worked and earned money and women didn't.

It really is that simple.

Any expectations that men should always pay today simply because of their gender are just a leftover relic from this time, and should be consigned to the scrapheap along with many other out of date sexist practises.

 

Not to say this means you have to be all penny pinching and go Dutch all the time. It's nice when people treat each other.

[Toodaloo]

Every time I hear/see the "I'm traditional, you have to spend money on me" argument, I want to respond with "What's the value of the dowry your father intends to give?"

 

At the rate he is going pretty damned large. But quite frankly that is none of any mans business unless he marries me for the right reasons...

 

Women should not expect men to pay but equally men need to learn how to be gentlemen again.

 

I have paid my way and for others on plenty of dates and have no problem with that. It is rare for a guy to pay for me on the first few dates. I don't see why guys have such a thing about it. If you can't afford it then don't go. That is my motto and I stick by it. If you are bothered by wasting money on a woman then what on earth are you doing asking her out in the first place?

[Coldfire]

I have a good job and as many other women have always believed that I should date guys who are equally (or more) successful financially. So I'm used to dating men who can take me out and pay for everything... I recently reconsidered a lot of things in my life and realized that I am actually very attracted to more creative/idealistic/less material guys who aren't that focused on making big money.

 

I would not be ok with going out with a guy and paying all the bills but if he is making only half of what I'm making I think I should be contributing a fair amount. I just don't know how to find the right balance. Is paying on half of the dates ok?

 

What is your experience and advice?

[basil67]

I have a good job and as many other women have always believed that I should date guys who are equally (or more) successful financially. So I'm used to dating men who can take me out and pay for everything... I recently reconsidered a lot of things in my life and realized that I am actually very attracted to more creative/idealistic/less material guys who aren't that focused on making big money.

 

I would not be ok with going out with a guy and paying all the bills but if he is making only half of what I'm making I think I should be contributing a fair amount. I just don't know how to find the right balance. Is paying on half of the dates ok?

 

What is your experience and advice?

 

I think that if you earn a heap more than the guy, and you value his work despite it being low paid, you should be paying a heap more than him.

 

I believe that earning ability has a big impact on paying ability.

[JewelD]

I think it's different once you're in a relationship. It's more acceptable for a woman to pay for things occasionally.

 

But dating, like just getting to know the person, he should still be paying, even if he makes less than you. If he can't afford to take you on a date occasionally, he probably doesn't need to be dating at all.

 

There's a fine line between creative/ not focused on big money and simply riding the struggle bus. I wouldn't recommend dating a guy on the struggle bus unless you are also on the bus or would like to start riding it.

[Satu]

I got ambushed the other night.

 

I asked for the bill, only to be told that the bill had been paid before I arrived!

 

I thought that was a really sweet thing to do

 

The person I was dining with has much less money to spend than me, but he really wanted to spoil me, and it was a lovely gesture.

 

We had a good laugh about the sneaky ambush

 

 

Take care.

[Shining One]

My preference is roughly 50/50 (taking turns or splitting) during the early dating phase when you're unsure if a relationship will develop. Once the relationship is established, costs should be handled somewhat proportionate to disposable income.