The new, consolidated, Paying for Dates thread

[xxoo]

Let's see how he feels after he spends a few grand on women who aren't interested in him sexually/romantically.

 

If he's anything like his daddy, it won't be a problem

 

Part of that is being socially smart. Don't waste time and money on women who aren't showing clear signs of attraction. I could barely keep my hands on my H when we started dating. The sexual tension was palpable.

[Shining One]

I think this works the same way for women. Don't act entitled to anything, and interest usually increases.

Not according to this thread. Quite a few posters are saying that if the man doesn't cover all of the early dating expenses, their attraction is gone.

[Aniela]

Not according to this thread. Quite a few posters are saying that if the man doesn't cover all of the early dating expenses, their attraction is gone.

 

No, if the man doesn't act entitled to anything (like intimacy) from the woman.

[Shining One]

No, if the man doesn't act entitled to anything (like intimacy) from the woman.

So the woman is allowed to be entitled to his money but the man is not allowed to be entitled to physical intimacy in your scenario?

[Woggle]

I do wonder that. I think it's because they are dating virtual strangers on OLD.

 

My 9 year old son already as the drive to protect and provide for the girls he likes

 

I hope that gender relations are better than they are now when he is old enough to be earning money and dating.

[Aniela]

So the woman is allowed to be entitled to his money but the man is not allowed to be entitled to physical intimacy in your scenario?

 

*eesh* I give up. I'm not in the mood for this tonight.

[Shining One]

*eesh* I give up. I'm not in the mood for this tonight.

I'm sorry, I just don't understand your hypothetical scenario. Are you saying that if two people go out on a date, neither acts entitled to anything (physical intimacy, money, etc.), mutual attraction increases?

[xxoo]

So the woman is allowed to be entitled to his money but the man is not allowed to be entitled to physical intimacy in your scenario?

 

Women aren't entitled to anything. That's the point. He pays because he wants to pay for her. Not because she's a woman, but because he wants to invest in her.

 

If a guy just throws money at every women, it wouldn't mean nearly as much when he wants to treat me. I think many men feel the same way about women and sexual partners, for better or for worse.

[Els]

If he's anything like his daddy, it won't be a problem

 

Part of that is being socially smart. Don't waste time and money on women who aren't showing clear signs of attraction. I could barely keep my hands on my H when we started dating. The sexual tension was palpable.

 

Exactly. This really bears reiteration.

 

If you spend a few grand on a woman whom you don't know and isn't exhibiting signs of attraction, you need to STOP DOING SO. Learn to read women and learn to be judicious about whom you spend your money on. Instead of expecting women, the nature of romantic attraction, and the world to all change to accommodate your inability to suss out your dates.

 

FTR, my SO always pays for dates... but he has only done so for two women. His ex, whom he was with for several years, and me. None of the 'wasting several grand on uninterested women' stuff.

[Shining One]

If you spend a few grand on a woman whom you don't know and isn't exhibiting signs of attraction, you need to STOP DOING SO. Learn to read women and learn to be judicious about whom you spend your money on.

I have stopped doing so. My dating strategy has completely changed. I only give women a few dates to demonstrate they want to be equal partners by reciprocating early. Those that don't get put in the FWB-only pile. I keep the early dates very low cost until she invests too. While it takes effort, I do find Ms. Right every now and then and I enjoy my short time with the various Ms. Wrongs.

[Shining One]

Knowing my own value isn't the question. It's about finding out if the man values me.

I know my value too. How do I know if the woman values me? As you can probably tell, I have had problems with this in the past.

[Cookiesandough]

Ive noticed it makes me uncomfortable for a guy to pay my way on dates even though it's expected. This is especially true for the first dates because I don't know if we're into each other. It should be like 2 friends at first until mutual attraction is established. Its to the point it's a deterrent for me to even go. I need to just get over this or there a polite way to say you'd rather pay for your half? I feel like guys either take this as an insult/she's not into me or they insist to take the bill? I've gone so far to show up to dates early and already get my stuff so they don't have to but obviously this is not always practical.

Edited October 16, 2016 by Cookiesandough

[Fishfingersareyummy]

You just have to insist.

 

I have been on several dates and I have always expected to pay for the date as it was me who asked the women out on the dates and to my surprise they have all insisted that they pay for half the date and not wanting to argue I have just split the bill.

[Cookiesandough]

Thanks. So this didn't offend you. I will try to insist more I'm sort of meek and I don't want to turn it into an argument.

 

Last time it went:

*bill comes to table *

"I'd like to..pay for mine"

"Are you kidding? No!"

"No really, I'd like to.."

"No I got it"

"Okay..."

 

I was on the fence about date 2

[Fishfingersareyummy]

My preference is always to pay as I believe it's my job to pay for a date if I ask a woman out, but there's no reason to become argumentative and hostile if a woman insists that she pays her way. To me it shows me that she isn't expecting me to pay and wants to contribute which is not a bad thing.

 

I don't know about the context of the words that were exchanged because I wasn't there but if a man is getting offended by a woman wanting to financially contribute to a date then I see that as a sign of insecurity.

[Shining One]

Ive noticed it makes me uncomfortable for a guy to pay my way on dates even though it's expected. This is especially true for the first dates because I don't know if we're into each other. It should be like 2 friends at first until mutual attraction is established.

I completely agree with this mindset and I applaud you for choosing not to take advantage of the situation.

way to tell a guy you prefer to go dutch on first date(s)

As for this question, here's a suggestion from a female poster on here. I don't remember who it was, otherwise I would find her quote. She would offer to contribute to the bill on the first date. If the guy insisted on paying, she would let him, but she would say: "The next one is on me". If she had already decided there was to be no second date, she would insist on paying her share.

[hestheone66]

I am a woman who feels uncomfortable when man pays all the time. The bf is very generous and made it clear that if I attempt to pay he would be insulted. He lets me get the drinks but would prefer I didn't. The result unfortunately is that we don't go out much as I don't like him to pay.. he literally gets excited (if you know what I mean) if I allow him without a protest, or if he sneaks money into my purse. I think he likes the emotional feeling of providing for me in the same way I enjoy cooking for him (3-4 times a week)..it took a while to accept his generosity which so far (nearly 5 years) has had no strings attached..

[AMJ]

I am a woman who feels uncomfortable when man pays all the time. The bf is very generous and made it clear that if I attempt to pay he would be insulted. He lets me get the drinks but would prefer I didn't. The result unfortunately is that we don't go out much as I don't like him to pay.. he literally gets excited (if you know what I mean) if I allow him without a protest, or if he sneaks money into my purse. I think he likes the emotional feeling of providing for me in the same way I enjoy cooking for him (3-4 times a week)..it took a while to accept his generosity which so far (nearly 5 years) has had no strings attached..

 

I usually date men who seem offended or bothered when I offer to pay. I don't think they are insecure as someone else suggested, but they just feel like buying me dinner or a drink is a nice gesture that I'm trying to take away from them when I grab my wallet. Him paying doesn't necessarily make me feel uncomfortable though, it just feels traditional- these are our roles, for better or worse. I typically offer to pay every single time I can tell it was a miserable date and we won't see each other again. Sometimes the guy lets me pay, without issue. And sometimes he doesn't let me pay.

 

This is just a compatibility issue, like any other issue. The biggest cause of divorce is rooted in arguments over finances, we put money into things we value, so it makes sense that two people should see eye to eye in terms of finances and money.

 

Anyway it's one thing for a woman to be gold digging, and abusing the "guys pay" privilege to get free meals or free anything...that's not right. I really think the type of women who do that are easy to spot.

[Pill]

With me it depends on the situation. If we met online and agreed to meet up mutually, we're dutching it. If I ask you, I'm paying the first date and maybe the second just because splitting the bill is cumbersome. After that I expect you to pull out that card and we alternate.

 

I see dates as mutually beneficial settings to see if we're compatible. Not a unilateral situation where I'm trying to impress you or make you feel like a woman. Spontaneous head makes me feel like a man, yet you don't see me feeling entitled to that until relationships form.

 

Women usually have no problem with that, thankfully I've developed stronger social market value to where I don't feel the need to make up shortcomings through financial coercion. Usually the third date I'll tell her it's her treat and she'll agree.

[dollfacexo]

So as I am now 28 I really don't even know where to meet men anymore. I decided to join Plenty of Fish. I NEVER had any luck, guys were always players, or looking for hook ups, or just straight up wasting my time.

 

Last week I started talking to a really cool guy!! 32 years old, no kids, works full time as a security guard, has his own place and lives alone. These are all VERY IMPORTANT for me. He is able to hold a conversation and actually enjoy spending time texting him or talking on the phone.

 

Fast forward a week he asks me to get together and go to the movies, there wasn't really anything playing, and I had suggested hey maybe lets go out and have a bite to eat so we can talk seeing as at the movies we won't be able to speak and get to know each other. He agreed.

 

The date went SO WELL he said I look beautiful in person, the conversation was great, we were laughing, joking, he said how much fun he had and wanted to see me again.

 

BUT THEN......... when the waitress came and said " Is it 1 bill or 2" he looked me and said "doesn't matter to me". Personally I didn't like his response. I mean my food was only $20 I expected honestly him to pick up the bill being a first date, but I felt obligated to as for 2 bills, because I didn't want to be rude and say oh 1 bill and force him to pay. I feel offended that he didn't pick up the bill, truthfully I felt that came across as very cheap and it was a BIG turn off to me..

 

He text me later saying he wants to see me again and he really enjoyed my company, but I feel like is this going to be an ongoing thing? If the FIRST impression I give him is I am ok with not being treated with respect and being treated like a lady is this going to become an ongoing thing?

 

Please honest advice would be appreciated. :love:

[Gaeta]

Give him a break after all he has all of the qualities you are looking for. He may have had a bad experience with picking the bill on a first meeting and that is why he is unsure and he let you decide.

 

If you continue dating just limit your first meeting to a coffee. Men should not have to pay a meal to all of the women they meet online, maybe just 1 out of 20 will want to see him again and it will ruin him.

 

You could have said 1 bill, pay it yourself, and then tell him next time he treats you.

 

Don't play this hide and seek game, no one ever wins at that.

[Gr8fuln2020]

So as I am now 28 I really don't even know where to meet men anymore. I decided to join Plenty of Fish. I NEVER had any luck, guys were always players, or looking for hook ups, or just straight up wasting my time.

 

Last week I started talking to a really cool guy!! 32 years old, no kids, works full time as a security guard, has his own place and lives alone. These are all VERY IMPORTANT for me. He is able to hold a conversation and actually enjoy spending time texting him or talking on the phone.

 

Fast forward a week he asks me to get together and go to the movies, there wasn't really anything playing, and I had suggested hey maybe lets go out and have a bite to eat so we can talk seeing as at the movies we won't be able to speak and get to know each other. He agreed.

 

The date went SO WELL he said I look beautiful in person, the conversation was great, we were laughing, joking, he said how much fun he had and wanted to see me again.

 

BUT THEN......... when the waitress came and said " Is it 1 bill or 2" he looked me and said "doesn't matter to me". Personally I didn't like his response. I mean my food was only $20 I expected honestly him to pick up the bill being a first date, but I felt obligated to as for 2 bills, because I didn't want to be rude and say oh 1 bill and force him to pay. I feel offended that he didn't pick up the bill, truthfully I felt that came across as very cheap and it was a BIG turn off to me..

 

He text me later saying he wants to see me again and he really enjoyed my company, but I feel like is this going to be an ongoing thing? If the FIRST impression I give him is I am ok with not being treated with respect and being treated like a lady is this going to become an ongoing thing?

 

Please honest advice would be appreciated. :love:

 

There is a HUGE thread about this. I would recommend searching for it and reading (or not) it.

 

1. Now days, never assume that men will be 'traditional.' I am a guy and I find guys today less traditional about dating.

2. It did sound like you BOTH contributed to the first date ideas and it was you who wanted to eat. So, not surprised with his response.

3. You two went dutch the first date? What about the movie?

4. I know it can be uncomfortable, but perhaps you should talk about this. He may not be fully aware of his role/responsibilities or your expectations.

 

I dated a woman who came right out to tell me that she expected me to pay for the entire date. This after she offered to pay for a portion of it and I happily agreed. It was a bit of a mind-boggler. She was testing me, I failed at that juncture, but it was not a deal-breaker in the end. So, is this for you?

[dollfacexo]

Well written, I do like him enough to give him a second date 100%. I just thought it was a nice gesture. I feel if I paid the whole bill I would look like a sugar momma lol, but then I guess he could feel the same if I expected him to pay the whole thing as well. Maybe his response was a test to see what I would say and by me not expecting him to pay in full might look good on me;)

[umirano]

If the girl isn't being a complete b!tch I pay. A lot of men are annoyed though by the equality frenzy that seemingly ends whenever it's inconvenient for women (divorce laws, mandatory military service, pension, dating customs). He might have been trying to reconcile all these conflicting positions in a less than ideal situation. If you like him otherwise you should cut him some slack.

 

The PC/equality movement has made this world a very complicated place where it's easy to misstep for anyone who doesn't have a degree in gender studies.

[Kempeitai]

Easy OP.

 

If the guy invites you out on a date then he should be expected to pay. You should also TRY to pay your half at which point he will decline your offer.

 

Now if you invited him then he should still pay while you also attempt to pay. Which he should decline but could also accept as it was you who invited him.