The new, consolidated, Paying for Dates thread

[dollfacexo]

I really like him and enjoy his company, we did not go to the movies this was yesterday, but he did ask when he will see me again so we will go from there. I don't feel comfortable talking to him about it now as I feel it's done and over with and I am not much for confrontation.

[dollfacexo]

I really like him and enjoy his company, we did not go to the movies this was yesterday, but he did ask when he will see me again so we will go from there. I don't feel comfortable talking to him about it now as I feel it's done and over with and I am not much for confrontation.

[Gr8fuln2020]

The PC/equality movement has made this world a very complicated place where it's easy to misstep for anyone who doesn't have a degree in gender studies.

 

It is so funny how many times I hear men today blame PC/equality for their 'already' lack of understanding of women and frankly, confusion as they can no longer figure out (most men do fine) what their role is in a world where men can no longer DEMAND and unilaterally define gender roles. As a guy, the traditional role that I try to take in most respects has NEVER been rebuffed by women I have dated, married.

 

Oh well. I have also dated women who are very open to paying for a date, etc. Not many, but it does happen.

[dollfacexo]

I expect first date to be paid, then second date I pay and back and forth type thing or if it's really expensive we split. Give and take. But if it's always me pay for myself I tend to feel Im in a friendship and not a relationship. I have friends that pay for me to go out to end so I expect future husband material to do the same lol.

[ses]

As much as I like it when a guy pays I never expect it so I always make sure I have had the funds needed to cover my portion of the bill. If not, why go out? Dates should never be considered a free meal ticket. I also enjoy paying for us as well because it lets me control the tip. You never know where someone is at in their lives; it wouldn't be fair to assume they could easily cover a $40 meal. Those meals do add up, tax and tip included. If you like him enough, ask him out again and treat him on the next date.

[losangelena]

I expect first date to be paid, then second date I pay and back and forth type thing or if it's really expensive we split. Give and take. But if it's always me pay for myself I tend to feel Im in a friendship and not a relationship. I have friends that pay for me to go out to end so I expect future husband material to do the same lol.

 

If that's your preference, then I think it does behoove you to state that (it's not "confrontation"), or else an otherwise well-meaning guy may unknowingly step on a grenade and blow the whole thing.

 

Your date is over now obviously, but when he asked, you could've maybe said just that, "if you get this one, I'll get next time." That way your preference is clearly stated, and you've signaled that you'd like to go out with him again.

[Gr8fuln2020]

As much as I like it when a guy pays I never expect it so I always make sure I have had the funds needed to cover my portion of the bill. If not, why go out? Dates should never be considered a free meal ticket. I also enjoy paying for us as well because it lets me control the tip. You never know where someone is at in their lives; it wouldn't be fair to assume they could easily cover a $40 meal. Those meals do add up, tax and tip included. If you like him enough, ask him out again and treat him on the next date.

 

Good points, advice and practice....

 

Always have money for your own, you never know....

I really believe both parties should steer away from expensive meals/outtings. Both should recommend places where he/she will be able to comfortably pay the bill.

[Gaeta]

If the FIRST impression I give him is I am ok with not being treated with respect and being treated like a lady is this going to become an ongoing thing?

 

Please honest advice would be appreciated. :love:

 

Being treated with respect and like a lady has very little to do with the man always picking the bill. My ex never let me grab my wallet, he was an older man and he felt offended I even suggest I pay something. On the other hand he was a chronic cheater and a experienced manipulator. His picking the bill had nothing to do with respect. It was probably an ego boost.

 

In your case I am sure this man will enjoy treating you when it's confirmed you are not just one more chick from online expecting a free meal. It is also your role to treat him in return. You should get true joy out of treating him as much as you get out of being treated.

[LoveFiend]

I tend to have a traditional belief that I feel it is the man's responsibility to take care of the woman, that is at least way I was raised. He takes care of her financially, emotionally, and takes the lead. I have always paid on dates unless the woman insists on paying too.

 

Just about all the women I have dated have wanted me to pay for the date and so I did. They may have said in their words "that is ok I will pay too, you don't have to pay for everything", but body language speaks volumes and the signals by their body language I was getting was they really wanted and expected me to pay. So reading their body language I usually replied, "that's ok hun I don't mind I really like you and I don't mind paying for you. It is my treat hun." I could tell by their reaction and body language that I did exactly what they wanted me to do. I live in a red republican state though, so maybe it is different other places in the country.

[Popsicle]

My first impression is that he was just trying to be flexible because it's so hard for a man these days to know what kind of woman he's dealing with (old-fashioned, progressive, or a mix of the two). So, he let you decide, but this put you in an awkward position because it would make you seem like you are on one extreme or the other, when in reality, you may be a mixture of the two extremes. Plus, as you suggested, it's rude to presume and then announce that someone else is paying your tab when dating. I think if he were trying to be flexible, it would have been better for him to take the lead and offer to pay and then see if you will offer to contribute to the bill. So, yes, this was an awkward moment and may have tainted things going forward.

[salparadise]

I expect first date to be paid, then second date I pay and back and forth type thing or if it's really expensive we split. Give and take. But if it's always me pay for myself I tend to feel Im in a friendship and not a relationship. I have friends that pay for me to go out to end so I expect future husband material to do the same lol.

 

Well, don't expect. Alternating is good once you're actually dating, but on a first date from meeting online is more like an interview. You can't take for granted that there will be a second, and you can't assume that anyone understands or agrees with your expectations.

 

Offer to split and mean it. No slow reach (the worst). There are two ways that make it pretty easy. a) put your card beside his and tell the waiter/waitress to put half on each (disregarding whose may have cost a dollar more), or b) have cash (where you don't have to dig for it) and just slide enough to cover your half over to him without saying a word. If he says, that ok I got it, say thanks but i prefer to split.

 

If the FIRST impression I give him is I am ok with not being treated with respect and being treated like a lady...

 

I suggest that you respect yourself by asserting yourself as a fully functional human being, living in the 21st century, that doesn't need anyone to buy you a meal for no other reason than because you happen to have two X chromosomes.

Edited January 1, 2017 by salparadise

[Shining One]

I feel offended that he didn't pick up the bill, truthfully I felt that came across as very cheap and it was a BIG turn off to me..

If wanting to pay your share only is cheap, what does wanting to pay nothing make someone?

If the FIRST impression I give him is I am ok with not being treated with respect and being treated like a lady is this going to become an ongoing thing?

Please explain how you were treated with disrespect.

[Els]

So as I am now 28 I really don't even know where to meet men anymore. I decided to join Plenty of Fish. I NEVER had any luck, guys were always players, or looking for hook ups, or just straight up wasting my time.

 

Last week I started talking to a really cool guy!! 32 years old, no kids, works full time as a security guard, has his own place and lives alone. These are all VERY IMPORTANT for me. He is able to hold a conversation and actually enjoy spending time texting him or talking on the phone.

 

Fast forward a week he asks me to get together and go to the movies, there wasn't really anything playing, and I had suggested hey maybe lets go out and have a bite to eat so we can talk seeing as at the movies we won't be able to speak and get to know each other. He agreed.

 

The date went SO WELL he said I look beautiful in person, the conversation was great, we were laughing, joking, he said how much fun he had and wanted to see me again.

 

BUT THEN......... when the waitress came and said " Is it 1 bill or 2" he looked me and said "doesn't matter to me". Personally I didn't like his response. I mean my food was only $20 I expected honestly him to pick up the bill being a first date, but I felt obligated to as for 2 bills, because I didn't want to be rude and say oh 1 bill and force him to pay. I feel offended that he didn't pick up the bill, truthfully I felt that came across as very cheap and it was a BIG turn off to me..

 

He text me later saying he wants to see me again and he really enjoyed my company, but I feel like is this going to be an ongoing thing? If the FIRST impression I give him is I am ok with not being treated with respect and being treated like a lady is this going to become an ongoing thing?

 

Please honest advice would be appreciated. :love:

 

Depends on your culture really. Where do you live? It's unusual for couples to go dutch in some places, more normal in others. I will say though that if you are doing online dating, that's a 'culture' in and of itself, and it's quite understandable that a man wouldn't want to pay for a woman whom he's only met once and might never see again. I think if you want to do the OLD thing, either be prepared to go dutch, or have a very cheap first date (e.g. coffee).

[xyz1234]

So here's the deal. I'm sick of the dating game because I've found that the beginning stages are not fair to men in any way whatsoever. In the past I let myself get used by women for free food/drinks for way too long into dating, but I've smartened up and I'm getting close to one and done if a girl doesn't offer to pay on a first date (and lots of women offer to pay as a test with the hope that the man won't let her, so when that happens they don't give ME a second date, which I'm cool with since it seems like splitting one bill and never seeing someone again is a best case scenario at this point). If I'm really interested/attracted for some odd reason I'll do date #2 but usually that's not the case.

 

What makes it feel even worse is that it would be one thing if I were going out and begging for dates with girls that are out of my league, but I'm not. I'm mostly dating on Bumble where women need to initiate the first conversation, so for them to still think they should be aggressively pursued by a guy who will pamper them seems odd since THEY are the first ones to show interest, and they wouldn't if they were out of my league.

 

With that said I am dating mostly girls who are pretty attractive so maybe that's where I'm going wrong. In order to not be used maybe I need to go out with girls where I'm out of their league? Seems messed up...

 

Anyone have any insight into this? Because I'm kinda at a loss at this point. I can't remember the last time I dated someone where I got anywhere near the amount of time, effort, money, etc, that I put into it.

[preraph]

You have to ask yourself: Who wants the date worse? Who wants the sex worse? Clearly, you're not looking for a serious relationship or you'd be anxious to show people you were flush and a gentleman.

[preraph]

You have to ask yourself: Who wants the date worse? Who wants the sex worse? Clearly, you're not looking for a serious relationship or you'd be anxious to show people you were flush and a gentleman.

 

I know there are some women online who are just meal prostitutes or trying to get guys to give them gifts or money. But you are surely smart enough to be able to weed those out before your first date. If they ask you for anything before even meeting you, clear out. And if it keeps happening, you may be choosing cheap looking women of that type solely because these are also the women who will show you skin before meeting. If so, that's on you, bud.

[Shining One]

OP, you're thinking about this the wrong way. Equality when it comes to dating is a mindset. It has nothing to do with their attractiveness. I've dated incredibly attractive women who contributed equally and I've dated unattractive women who expected me to pay for everything.

 

Equality in dating is important to me too, so I screen women as well. However, I give it a few dates, not just one. Yes, I did end up spending money on women who weren't relationship material, but I had fun with most of the Ms. Wrongs along the way. I'm afraid there's no way to pre-screen for this with absolute certainty.

[SwordofFlame]

Keep first dates cheap. I've found that if the woman doesn't enthusiastically reciprocate interest within the first 2-3 dates, she never will. Therefore, keep the first 2-3 dates relatively inexpensive.

[Lady2163]

So here's the deal. I'm sick of the dating game because I've found that the beginning stages are not fair to men in any way whatsoever. In the past I let myself get used by women for free food/drinks for way too long into dating, but I've smartened up and I'm getting close to one and done if a girl doesn't offer to pay on a first date (and lots of women offer to pay as a test with the hope that the man won't let her, so when that happens they don't give ME a second date, which I'm cool with since it seems like splitting one bill and never seeing someone again is a best case scenario at this point). If I'm really interested/attracted for some odd reason I'll do date #2 but usually that's not the case.

 

What makes it feel even worse is that it would be one thing if I were going out and begging for dates with girls that are out of my league, but I'm not. I'm mostly dating on Bumble where women need to initiate the first conversation, so for them to still think they should be aggressively pursued by a guy who will pamper them seems odd since THEY are the first ones to show interest, and they wouldn't if they were out of my league.

 

With that said I am dating mostly girls who are pretty attractive so maybe that's where I'm going wrong. In order to not be used maybe I need to go out with girls where I'm out of their league? Seems messed up...

 

Anyone have any insight into this? Because I'm kinda at a loss at this point. I can't remember the last time I dated someone where I got anywhere near the amount of time, effort, money, etc, that I put into it.

 

How about Dutch Treat?

 

I'm from the generation where men are supposed to pay for first dates. Men are supposed to pay for most dates. It's part of the expense of being a man. We "pay" later in the relationship by getting to wash your tracks out of your underwear and wash the sheets after sex.

 

I probably wouldn't pay for a date until there was a commitment of some kind. I don't pay for my friends if we go out to eat or to a movie - and they don't pay for me. I mean, when I do pick up the tab my friends are grateful, someone has given you a "gift" of a free meal.

 

I sure wouldn't offer to pay for a first date.

 

Now, if I planned the entire date chose the restaurant, chose an activity or movie I liked, then it could be a different story.

[SwordofFlame]

I'm from the generation where men are supposed to pay for first dates. Men are supposed to pay for most dates. It's part of the expense of being a man. We "pay" later in the relationship by getting to wash your tracks out of your underwear and wash the sheets

 

No offense, but OP is meeting these women on a dating app where women are required to message first. It doesn't sound like he's an old fashioned man trying to meet an old fashioned woman.

[HereNorThere]

OP, you lost me the moment you turned your dates into a transaction. You don't "get out of it what you put in." That's not how this works.

 

99% of your interactions, dates, etc. aren't going to lead anywhere. That's okay because you need the experience. Don't date to get something from the person, date to get better at dating. Enjoy the social aspect and meeting new people.

 

Dating is expensive. At my age, it's nothing to drop 1000 dollars in a weekend doing it. The formal restaurants in my neighborhood can easily cost 300 dollars for the evening. That doesn't include the hundreds of dollars you dropped on clothes, ubers, haircuts, drinks before and after the meal, tickets to a show, etc.

However, I date at that level because I enjoy spending my money on those things. I like fancy restaurants and dressing up, but that doesn't mean it's for everyone. If it's not your gig, plan simple day dates. Meet at a trendy coffee spot, go to the botanic gardens, zoo, whatever is available in your city.

 

You'll be surprised that most women appreciate a well thought out day or evening just as much as an expensive dinner. Just balance it out a little and find a spot where you are comfortable. That money is GONE so make sure you're having a good time. No one owes you anything in this game.

Edited January 3, 2017 by HereNorThere

[Pill]

So here's the deal. I'm sick of the dating game because I've found that the beginning stages are not fair to men in any way whatsoever. In the past I let myself get used by women for free food/drinks for way too long into dating, but I've smartened up and I'm getting close to one and done if a girl doesn't offer to pay on a first date (and lots of women offer to pay as a test with the hope that the man won't let her, so when that happens they don't give ME a second date, which I'm cool with since it seems like splitting one bill and never seeing someone again is a best case scenario at this point). If I'm really interested/attracted for some odd reason I'll do date #2 but usually that's not the case.

 

What makes it feel even worse is that it would be one thing if I were going out and begging for dates with girls that are out of my league, but I'm not. I'm mostly dating on Bumble where women need to initiate the first conversation, so for them to still think they should be aggressively pursued by a guy who will pamper them seems odd since THEY are the first ones to show interest, and they wouldn't if they were out of my league.

 

With that said I am dating mostly girls who are pretty attractive so maybe that's where I'm going wrong. In order to not be used maybe I need to go out with girls where I'm out of their league? Seems messed up...

 

Anyone have any insight into this? Because I'm kinda at a loss at this point. I can't remember the last time I dated someone where I got anywhere near the amount of time, effort, money, etc, that I put into it.

You need to develop some self worth and stop allowing women the easy road in dating. When on a date and a girl pulls out her wallet I have them put it back then tell them they got the next one. After a date or two I ask them things they like doing and I tell them to set it up for us and make it happen. There is also the option of extremely cheap dates and doing things like cooking for them or even challenging them to cook for you. I was never really taken advantage of but I refuse to put women on a pedestal, I force them to put their money where their mouths are and prove their worth one way or another. Once you start doing this, dating will be a lot more comfortable for you. I've had extremely high value women taking me out to dinner, paying for dates and setting up nights out with no problem.

[LargoLagg]

Do you like to do anything besides eat and drink? I mean like your interests, not your idea of what makes a good first date. If so, you might want to consider doing that as a first date, because eventually, you're going to want to do that with her anyway.

[Els]

Dating is expensive. At my age, it's nothing to drop 1000 dollars in a weekend doing it. The formal restaurants in my neighborhood can easily cost 300 dollars for the evening. That doesn't include the hundreds of dollars you dropped on clothes, ubers, haircuts, drinks before and after the meal, tickets to a show, etc.

However, I date at that level because I enjoy spending my money on those things. I like fancy restaurants and dressing up, but that doesn't mean it's for everyone. If it's not your gig, plan simple day dates. Meet at a trendy coffee spot, go to the botanic gardens, zoo, whatever is available in your city.

 

This. If you're going to be inviting a new date to an expensive place, you'd better be doing it because it's what YOU want to do.

 

No woman worth her salt is going to be 'expecting' a $300 first date, ergo you don't actually "lose" anyone worthwhile by keeping it cheap.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

What happened to just meeting someone for a coffee or just a drink at a bar? It is a great way to keep the first date short enough that you can leave early or just talk without having a full on meal.

 

If you really connect with someone, maybe you will think it is worth having dinner with them another time.

 

Instead of testing your dates, perhaps you should just look at other cheaper options like museums, galleries, beaches/lakes/parks (depending on where you live).

 

Make the most of what is available and take your time getting to know someone before spending a lot of money.