The new, consolidated, Paying for Dates thread

[jimbo]

The more info you provide the more her motivations are apparent... I think she was simply shopping for a wealthy caretaker and intended to monkey branch from her parents house to someone else's... where everything would be taken care of and she wouldn't have to work or worry about anything, ever again.

 

Attractiveness and the golden vagina are the currency. The reason you never got laid after dating several months is that she also subscribes to the old saying, "why would a man want to buy the cow if he's getting the milk for free."

 

As someone else said, I have doubts that she's gainfully employed as she led you to believe. The reason is that it takes an adult to hold down a six-figure job, and I don't think this woman ever grew up. Her mental/emotional development seems to have stalled around age fourteen. She has no desire to function as an adult. There's an old quip here in the south, used when someone's expectation are out of whack... "I ain't taking you to raise."

 

I'm surprised that you stuck with it as long as you did without having any physical relationship, just meeting up for meals, her eating, you paying, then she jets. Look on the positive side though; you received a pretty good education for less than the cost of one semester's tuition.

 

Didn't really cost me much. I cook almost nightly for dinner, so there's usually

enough for more than one person. I had the sneaking suspicion after her BD as she started to change and the real person started to come out. I am not wealthy, but I am comfortable. Hence, I knew I couldn't afford to keep her happy. Even if I could, I do not want to be used as a financial resource. People in relationships are meant to complement each other. It is what it is.

 

Problem is, since she'd limit how many hours we'd spend together, I couldn't get a real reading on the situation. However, after that tantrum I got a good enough reading to say we're not compatible; take care.

 

It's hard to find a person who just wants YOU FOR YOU. It may be even harder now with all the technology and ample options out there. Many, I've been told, are always looking for something better. Thus, it's hard to bond with someone when their always on multiple dating sites, just hanging around. You (me) do not want to seem desperate or needy, so you do not nag about it. It's tough to find a partner who actually wants you for you these days. At least in NYC Metro it is.

[jimbo]

Eh! Dating is just too expensive. I'm frugal. I don't want to spend money and I don't want the man spending a lot of money either. Groceries are expensive too if you try to cook at home. It's best to go on dates that don't involve eating and alcoholic beverages. I'd offer to pay for the man's bottle of water, keep him hydrated...

 

Agreed. However, most women around here do not care and expect the man to flip the bill. I am speaking from experience, not hearsay.

[MaleIntuition]

<Moderation note: moved from specific dating forum thread where content was off-topic to that thread and directive issued>

 

Collin my dear man... No, I am afraid not. A lot of weak men want to think that way. They want to think that they are progressive.

 

They like to think that being all equal and sensitive and what not makes them cool and likeable to women.

 

It never has and it never will. Old school, financially well off guys like me, go home and F*** the cheerleader so to speak.

 

Women go out with me, not only because of my devilish good looks and astounding wit, but because I know how to treat a lady.

 

I never get taken advantage of by women. I am off the market at the moment, fairly recently. But until that point, I had no shortage of women that wanted to be with me, and frankly still do. I just cannot accommodate them since I am in a relationship.

 

So sorry, I just have to disagree. A man, a real man, treats a woman like a queen. He leads the relationship, makes her feel safe, secure, and special.

 

And, yeah, he pays for the dates.

 

If you think you are being taken advantage of, Maybe you are doing it wrong?

 

Are we really talking about The cheerleader whom had her best days when she was just that; cheerleading in high school? Yeah... I was under the impression that it was common knowledge that the nerd would end up as the better long term prospect.

Edited March 23, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[William]

Moderator bump/pin from site outage. Poll continues to run.

[shydad]

This is an interesting thread I had not noticed before. My experience has been that every woman I've met has paid or tried to pay.

 

1. (years ago) She brought out her credit card to pay for dinner. I asked if I could pay. She allowed it.
   
2. (years ago) She paid for almost all meals, and actively stopped me from paying. Sometimes I was able to "sneak", but not often. Yea, I was impressed!
   
3. (recent) She tried to pay for coffee, but allowed me to pay.
   
4. (recent) She tried to pay for coffee, but allowed me to pay. She also tried to pay for lunch, but allowed me to pay. Then, while I was paying, she got more food from a different booth (for me), and paid for it.
   

[snowboy91]

Almost every person I've started dating I've offered to pay, but the girl refused and wanted to split the bill - so I let them.

 

Some women still have the expectation that the man should pay for the first date, so I always offer just in case they have that expectation. Naturally I prefer to split the bill, but if I ask about it I sound stingy, so it's safe just to offer first and see what happens - 9 times out of 10 I'll end up splitting it anyway.

 

Almost all women I know are happy to split the bill on a first date. They regard having their date paid for as a gift (say birthday, anniversary, etc) rather than an expectation. There are a lot more important things to consider when starting a relationship than whether someone pays for the date or not.

Edited September 20, 2018 by snowboy91

[smackie9]

it depends...total stranger or don't know them well, split the bill/pay my share, separate bills. If they insist paying I cover the tip. Someone I know well enough, whomever did the asking out, pays IMO. I have taken guys out on dates, paid in full and never expect them to split the bill. This is my take on how dates should be paid.

[Newheregirl]

OK, so it's 2015. The days of women not working are (thankfully) behind us.

So why is it that there seems to be an expectation that men pay for everything on a first (and sometimes all) date(s)? Or is this the case.

I ask because I see a fair few posts from guys saying things like "oh i couldn't meet her again for a week till I had enough money to pay for the date" etc.

 

As a woman, if you meet a guy on a first date, do you consider paying (or paying your share) or do you assume he will pay?

 

As a guy, do you just automatically assume you are paying?

 

I don't want to come across sounding stingy, but it seems like a hangover from the 1950s to he honest.

 

I assume he will pay, because HE was the one asking me out. Simple.

 

I wouldn’t date a guy who can’t afford to pay, especially at my age. I want someone who is ready emotionally AND finantially.

[sabaton]

I assume he will pay, because HE was the one asking me out. Simple.

 

 

And if you were the one to ask him out - would you pay?

 

 

I wouldn’t date a guy who can’t afford to pay, especially at my age. I want someone who is ready emotionally AND finantially.

 

 

Ready emotionally and financially for what? You don't need to pay to be a good partner. I've never had that much complaining from the women I got into relationships with, and I've never spent money on my dates or relationships other than my share of the bill.

 

 

 

I usually take girls to this coffee shop nearby, I order a cup of coffee for me, and what the girl orders is what she's going to pay.

 

 

 

If she is attracted to me, she will come back again for more of my company. If I ain't hearing back from her it's because she never saw me as bangable, and paying for her would have never gotten me out of the ''friendzone'' so wasting money on her would've been silly of me.

[Mrs._December]

I usually take girls to this coffee shop nearby, I order a cup of coffee for me, and what the girl orders is what she's going to pay.

You actually meet girls at a coffee shop, order and pay for your own coffee and leave them to order and pay for their own? Seriously?

 

I can't even imagine a guy so stingy that he can't even spring for a $3.00 or $4.00 cup of coffee.

 

You know, there's 'equality' and going Dutch and all that, and then there's just plain old common courtesy. If I were the first one in line, I'd order my coffee and would turn to the guy and tell him his coffee is on me. Jeez.

[edgygirl]

I'm in my 40s... if a guy can't pay for the initial dates... I better not date him. Huge turn off.

 

Sorry - evolution is real but I believe most women's bodies didn't catch up with evolution just quite yet - I need to feel protected by my man, even when I'm working. I feel it's a biological need. A guy wanting to split bills is a turn off for me, and I can't help the feeling.

 

But it all changes if you're in your 20s and college students or so. Then I think it's okay to split.

[Ruby Slippers]

^ Agreed. I've been on 10-15 dates in the past 2 months after a year break, and though I've offered many times, no man has accepted my offers to pay for a thing, which I appreciate and prefer.

[FMW]

I'm in my early 50s. I'm not in an established relationship so I always pay my own way, and if it's something that I planned and wanted to do I pay for it all. I don't want a guy thinking I'm using him or put myself in a position to feel like I "owe" him something or for him to think I "owe" him.

 

Sometimes I worry the guy may take it as a negative sign from me about how I see our prospects, but it's what I'm comfortable with.

 

It probably depends on how independent the woman is, both emotionally and financially. If a woman is looking for someone to take care of her then she probably expects the guy to pay.

[lovely81]

I really expect guys to pay on the first date, and I've almost stopped offering because it feels disingenuous when I do. I feel like they asked and should pay.

 

There's not really a sound logic behind it, but I have definitely gotten the impression that it's good to throw up a lot of "obstacles" in front of them to weed out serious ones from nonserious ones, and I think the paying is part of that. Making...or rather letting them plan the date is another part of that IME. It's a way of gauging how serious they are, more than getting free food or drinks or whatever. I also do try to just order one drink and split an appetizer at most.

 

Actually when they pay, most of the time I feel I'm letting them pay, and it's something they want to do.

 

On the second date, they'll sometimes insist on paying.

 

On the third date, I'll usually insist on splitting.

 

It's not a hard and fast rule, that's just how it's played out for me.

 

Whenever I talk to my guy friends about dating and money, I've noticed they're a little wary and feel they've been taken advantage of in this realm, but I also feel in a way it *worked* because when they get that feeling, they'll back off from the girl. I think the guys who are really into the girls, will just feel it's all part of the challenge.

[KissingFire]

For first dates the very least I expect is someone to buy me a drink. On the second date, if they offer to pay for my meal, I'll let them, but I buy dessert or drink or something.

 

I recently went out with a wealthy(ish) man and he paid for everything. I insisted on buying him a round of drinks at the bar we went to afterwards and he was very shocked and almost delighted. We had a wonderful evening and he texted me the very minute he dropped me home.

 

I don't like to feel "paid for" but on the first few days, I expect him to be a gentleman. It impresses me. I'm at the age where I want to look to maybe settle down and if the guy can't afford to buy me a drink or a meal, I wonder how bad his money situation is. I went to the cinema with another guy a few weeks ago and he asked for his £4.99 back when I got home! (I genuinely forgot my purse!) I was shocked! I would have had no problems paying for him if he made the same mistake. I didn't see him again. (There were several other red flags, neediness, trying to plan a holiday with me on date 2, etc...)

[salparadise]

I'm in my early 50s. I'm not in an established relationship so I always pay my own way, and if it's something that I planned and wanted to do I pay for it all. I don't want a guy thinking I'm using him or put myself in a position to feel like I "owe" him something or for him to think I "owe" him.

 

Sometimes I worry the guy may take it as a negative sign from me about how I see our prospects, but it's what I'm comfortable with.

 

It probably depends on how independent the woman is, both emotionally and financially. If a woman is looking for someone to take care of her then she probably expects the guy to pay.

 

Thank you for saying this. What I find is that smart, savvy, progressive women with confidence and self-respect view it the same as you. It doesn't even occur to them that it should be any other way.

 

There really isn't much middle ground on this philosophically. As many of the opposite viewpoint have said (explicitly or implicitly), some still [men too] expect that economic benefit should always flow from male to female, because females are inherently valuable (for reproductive capacity) and males are not. She believes she's doing him a big favor by even showing up, so he should be paying for the privilege. This is nothing more or less than the old patriarchal model wherein women were owned as property. More recently, women have been allowed to work, but were paid less, and still seen as desirable for one reason. It's only been in the last one hundred years that women have had the right to vote!

 

It sort of blows me away that some women either don't see it, don't care, or actually subscribe to those old attitudes. I've gotten pretty good at figuring this stuff out in advance, but when i go on a first date and the check comes, I know at that point exactly what I'm dealing with. When I was a kid there was a a common expression that seems appropriate here... "I ain't taking you to raise."

[BitterSweetz]

As a woman in the United States, I will say we don't usually get paid as much per hour doing the same labor as a man, nor do we usually score as many hours at the said job. We also need to pay for things that are used regularly what men do not have to use or buy. Our clothes cost more, our shoes cost more and from experience mens shoes, wallets and belts last a heck of lot longer than ours.

 

Usually later in the relationship, I have noticed I was the one buying the household items, buying household food, and doing the cooking and cleaning still yet. I had to put the gas in my own truck too.

 

It is not much about the monetary gain or loss, as much as the thought of a man wanting to help her and to care for her, especially as she cares for him.

 

This world is so wrapped around greed and using people and being afraid of being used many of us (including myself) usually prefer to stay single. Yes we get lonely but after you been burned so many times its difficult to see through rose colored glasses again when all you see is shades of gray.

 

What a true woman looks for is the character of a man, his behavior, his kindness, his virtues. If those things are not present, a true woman will look else were or tend to herself and her needs. They are above the games some play, and the games some play along with. Some of us just get sick n tired of the drama that comes along with it. We hope its not another game, to find out they were playing all along in hopes of getting something.

 

If you suspect games, and that is not what you are after, drop it and let them play with some one else.

 

Remember going on a date is a form of modernized courtship, to see if you like each other to pursue something further. It is a way to show the other person your temperament, your character and who you are as a person.

 

Playing the field is a lot like going on dates, from what my grandmother told me, though you see many people until you find someone you might want to go steady with. You go on a lot of dates with no strings attached and no commitment, no expectations of anything.

 

Its best to ask, I know all of us are on different budgets, and live among different cultural norms. It all depends on your region and what is accepted and what is not.

[Mrs._December]

Not for nuthin', but I can't help but notice that those who beat their chests the loudest about how all woman should see things THEIR way and be 'progressive' by always splitting the bill (and who also go into detail about how they've set up these intricate 'tests' to weed out the unworthy ladies from the keepers when the bill comes to the table) are still single.

 

At the end of the day, they're STILL single.

 

Just sayin'.

[Shining One]

Remember going on a date is a form of modernized courtship, to see if you like each other to pursue something further. It is a way to show the other person your temperament, your character and who you are as a person.

Agreed. Women who went on multiple dates with me without opening their purses (or reciprocating in some other fashion) demonstrated to me that they were cheap and that they would be a drain in a relationship. "Good" women (to me) never hesitate to put more effort/investment in than just showing up.

[salparadise]

Not for nuthin', but I can't help but notice that those who beat their chests the loudest about how all woman should see things THEIR way and be 'progressive' by always splitting the bill (and who also go into detail about how they've set up these intricate 'tests' to weed out the unworthy ladies from the keepers when the bill comes to the table) are still single.

 

At the end of the day, they're STILL single.

 

Just sayin'.

 

 

Ha, there's no way to rationalize it. You either feel entitled to extract economic benefit by virtue of being able to dangle vagina, or you view yourself as fully equal and are motivated to do the right thing simply because it's the right thing to do.

 

For men who prefer to rent, it's a lot like Uber––pretty cheap and widely available. As for women who can mak'em think they're investing in a Mercedes Benz, well, you go gurl!

 

The classiest women I've ever been with didn't just offer, they insisted. The archaic custom will be gone within a generation.

Edited November 30, 2018 by salparadise

[snowboy91]

Not for nuthin', but I can't help but notice that those who beat their chests the loudest about how all woman should see things THEIR way and be 'progressive' by always splitting the bill (and who also go into detail about how they've set up these intricate 'tests' to weed out the unworthy ladies from the keepers when the bill comes to the table) are still single.

 

At the end of the day, they're STILL single.

 

Just sayin'.

 

Interesting perspective, mine is quite the opposite. Very few women I know expect the guy to pay the entire bill - and if a guy insists on doing so, they sometimes even see it as an insult. So most of the time the bill is always split, and the relationship works out (or not) for other reasons. I don't think I've ever paid the full bill on the first date, and that was never the reason for a relationship not working out.

 

As has been mentioned, it is dependent on culture. It's just yet another element of compatibility between people.

[some_username1]

I went on a date last night and was shocked as my dating experience so far (30+ first dates from OLD) has been that women *insist* on sharing the cost by alternating who pays between each round.

 

She seemed to be a strong independent woman yet we sat there with empty glasses for something like half an hour and I was sure she was going to offer a drink...but she never did so I offered her another which she gladly accepted. I bought two further rounds before she reciprocated. Ugh! What a turn off. It is really hard not to view such a woman as a financial liability, what else in life will she expect a man to pay for on her behalf through mere dint of her gender? Although that being said I am the classic guy who once he has had a few drinks the inhibitions go and I start splashing the cash with abandon, I bought her food on top (for which I didn't even get a thanks) and in total spent about £80 to her one round of drinks. Some of that is on me as I should have left her to it after the first couple of drinks, but speaking generally a woman with a good job sitting there expecting me to pay for her is so unattractive and lacks class.

 

Thank God she is like, 1% of those 30 odd previous dates I've been on so I would say it may take a generation for the concept to completely die out but for the most part women pay their share these days.

[SophieG]

I've gone on a few dates where the guys paid the bill. It did make me a little uncomfortable because I can pay for my own things, but after repeating 3 times that I could pay, I just decide to give up and accept it, and I'm thanking them for the meal.

 

The guy I'm actually with, told me from the start that he never pays on the first date because he had experience of women only wanting free meals and then never speaking to him again (and I know a few guys who had the same experience). So on our first date, I was prepared to pay my bill. He reached to pay it, and I reminded him of what he told me. He laughed about it and simply paid on the second date. After that, we alternated but didn't really keep track, sometimes he would pay twice in a row, sometimes it was me... One thing is for sure, not one or the other is always paying, we switch it up.

[fieldoflavender]

This is why coffee is good for a first date - if no more potential, the worst a guy bought you a $2 coffee. Or worse a drink less than $10.

 

A dinner costs a bit more. I hate oweing a guy more than $10 to be honest if I plan never to see him again - actually I would rather owe him nothing.

 

But if I'm not sure or if I like him, I will let him pay and I will try to get something the next date.

 

I hate this game too to be honest.

 

But a guy who doesn't even OFFER to pay the first date is lame imo. Who actually pays can be flexible depending on multiple factors - but they should at least offer.

[Els]

Interesting perspective, mine is quite the opposite. Very few women I know expect the guy to pay the entire bill - and if a guy insists on doing so, they sometimes even see it as an insult. So most of the time the bill is always split, and the relationship works out (or not) for other reasons. I don't think I've ever paid the full bill on the first date, and that was never the reason for a relationship not working out.

 

As has been mentioned, it is dependent on culture. It's just yet another element of compatibility between people.

 

 

Definitely a cultural thing. You're Australian, right? AFAIK splitting the bill is normal there, and I don't see anything inherently wrong with that. As you said, it's just a compatibility issue.

 

H and I have lived in two polar opposite cultures in that regard, so it's very interesting to see the differences. He still can't get over the fact that waiters sometimes ask him if he's paying for both of us when he goes up to pay the bill, even if we walk in holding hands...

 

On the flip side, back in our homeland, I once went for lunch with a platonic male friend, and the waiter just handed him the whole bill without asking. Awkward. I paid him back after we left.

Edited December 7, 2018 by Elswyth