The new, consolidated, Paying for Dates thread

[JuneL]

It's not a bad thing for a woman to ask for things or share her preferences. It's up to you as a man to determine what woman is worthy of your time and money, and whether or not you can comfortably say yes to what she's asking for. And to not get butthurt if you make a poor choice or let her take the lead to your detriment. Because that's on you. Women don't owe you anything for spending money on them.

 

What if your date wants a luxury vacation (fully expecting you to pay) that’s way beyond your budget? What about your girlfriend wanting a convertible as gift that you can’t afford? No, I didn’t make up that gift (I read it from one of the recent threads).

[gaius]

If you can't afford it then you tell her no June. And if whatever she's asking for is super important to her then you let her go find someone who can provide it. But she's not wrong for asking and you're not wrong for saying no.

 

My wife is actually very fond of Cadillacs and we don't have one sitting in the driveway. Someday, but right now it's not one of my financial priorities. When the day comes when I do buy her one it won't be to try and impress her or win her love and affection, I already have that. She won't owe me anything for it. It will just be an expression of my love for her. For what a remarkable woman she is.

[JuneL]

If you can't afford it then you tell her no June. And if whatever she's asking for is super important to her then you let her go find someone who can provide it. But she's not wrong for asking and you're not wrong for saying no.

 

My wife is actually very fond of Cadillacs and we don't have one sitting in the driveway. Someday, but right now it's not one of my financial priorities. When the day comes when I do buy her one it won't be to try and impress her or win her love and affection, I already have that. She won't owe me anything for it. It will just be an expression of my love for her. For what a remarkable woman she is.

 

This is what some of us don’t understand. If I really want something very expensive, shouldn’t I work hard to buy it, instead of finding a man to buy it for me? Would you ask your girlfriend to buy you a porsche?

 

“She won't owe me anything for it.” ?????

 

Now I remember...in a thread from like a couple of years ago, your wife mentioned you’re living in a house owned by her.

Edited May 18, 2019 by JuneL

[gaius]

Since she posts here also I'm not going to get into the nitty gritty of our finances June, but other than the fact she owns the house, we have a fairly traditional financial relationship. You're not really refuting anything I'm saying by bringing that up.

 

Anyway, if you've never had a guy who wanted to take care of you financially, or you have and it's just not your thing, then that's fine. But for a lot of men who want to be masculine and a lot of women who want to be feminine it's a very primal form of foreplay. It's probably not going to work very well if the guy is just trying to buy the woman, but if there's already chemistry there it can make things rather hot.

[gaius]

Oats, I see guys around here all the time who are annoyed they shelled out money for a woman and got nothing in return. That's the problem the guy you were just talking to had. That she ghosted him after he spent all that money.

 

And no offense man, but I don't really see a 60 dollar restaurant and a show once in a blue moon as a woman trying to milk you for expensive things. I don't know where you lived before but if there were women lining up to pay half for a date that was cheaper than that, move back there.

[OatsAndHall]

 

And no offense man, but I don't really see a 60 dollar restaurant and a show once in a blue moon as a woman trying to milk you for expensive things. I don't know where you lived before but if there were women lining up to pay half for a date that was cheaper than that, move back there.

 

 

I never said they were trying to milk me for anything; as I said, those expensive dates are used a measuring stick of interest which is crap. "I've chatted with him via OLD for a couple of days, but he's only really into me if he's willing to spend $100+.."

 

 

Dropping $60+ dollars for dinner and $50-70 dollars on play tickets on a first or second date isn't practical. And, it's not courteous for anyone to expect it.

[Timshel]

That's ridiculous and very shallow, no one could blame you for dropping them and moving on OatsandHall. 'Rich girl' by your user name is perfect. Weed them out.

 

Online dating sounds horrible.

[OatsAndHall]

That's ridiculous and very shallow, no one could blame you for dropping them and moving on OatsandHall. 'Rich girl' by your user name is perfect. Weed them out.

 

Online dating sounds horrible.

 

 

OLD is negative in many ways but, in other areas I've lived, the money aspect wasn't one of them. Many women on OLD in those areas were actually uncomfortable with me paying for a dinner on a second or third date. I had one who refused to let me pay and we went Dutch on all of our dates.

 

 

 

But, this area is a different animal in and of itself. But, it's not hard to see why it is the way it is; single men out number single women by a large margin around here (I would say nearly 2-1). Couple that with the conservative nature of the folks and this is what you get.

[Mrs._December]

It seems the guys who are most vocal about having to pay for dates are the ones who are still single and have been for years, so they've likely been paying for dates a lot longer than most guys who eventually commit to one woman.

 

It kind of goes without saying that if your relationship status is 'lifelong dater,' you're going to be incurring a lot more dating expenses than the average Joe. That's just a hazard of the business.

[Woggle]

When I was single I rarely ever paid for dates. I paid for dates once I was serious with a woman and I knew she was for real but I wasn't shelling out money for every woman I went out with. I know that using money to impress women doesn't really mean a thing. Either she is hot for you or she isn't.

[preraph]

Dating for dinner is officially a thing now. Just saw a segment on it on the local news. They had some opinions right in and as you might expect it was mostly women who said it's not a bad thing, but it was also women about half and half who said if your time isn't worth any more than that you need to be evaluating your life.

[littleblackheart]

It's actually a business too!

 

https://www.whatsyourprice.com/

 

 

That dating website offers 'attractive people' the chance to date 'generous' people and get 'reimbursed' for the price of getting ready for a date'.

 

The wealthy party 'bids' for their 'attractive' person of choice and covers the first date expenses as well as pays to read messages on the site.

 

WhatsYourPrice users negotiate their preferred offer amount on-site but the actual transaction occurs typically in-person on the first date. The Generous member is expected to pay both the agreed upon amount, as well as any date expenses such as dinner.

 

 

This is one of the weirdest things I've ever come across but at least it makes it completely transparent, and no one is getting used!

[preraph]

That's just sad. For both for men and women. And I bet there's a big business in it. The thing is is really no different than paid escort so hopefully it will get busted for sex trafficking and prostitution because in addition to the little idiots who would sign up for this there's going to be a lot of pimps signing up their captive women.

[crispytoast]

It's sugar daddy sugar baby website. It's just not described as that.

[littleblackheart]

Whatever it is, it's been working for 3 years, using the exact premise of this thread to exploit people and cynically turn it into a legit 'service' that is answering a need.

 

There are so many solutions to this 'paying for dates' thing that it's difficult to see why it's such a persistent problem anyway - but a lot of it involves

stop projecting a version of yourself that is not exactly who you are just to attract potential dates.

 

Whether people are willing to do that is another issue.

[Shining One]

A somewhat related question: Do egalitarian women "advertise" themselves as such? If so, how?

[littleblackheart]

Honestly, I think most people are 'egalitarian' in the sense that we all know a relationship is give and take - it's not necessarily 50/50 across the board because it's not always practical or possible, but it's a relationship where you balance out strengths and weaknesses, right?

 

How do you present yourself on your profile? Do you make it clear that you are looking for a relationship of equals? If so, look for women who present themselves the same way you do?

 

If not on the profile, there probably are clues in the way you interact with each other before the date is actually set? Like you are both proactive, responsive and show mutual interest quickly?

 

Do you pay for the date even when you're not interested? Do you let her pay when she offers to split the bill? You can only control your end of the bargain, I guess, and not enter into relationships with women before you know they have the same life philosophy you do>

[JEG88]

On a first date, the person who invited the other out should pay.

 

After that, it's really up to how you work it out with the other person. It's a classic "it depends" answer given so many variables.

[Veronica73]

On a first date, the person who invited the other out should pay.

 

After that, it's really up to how you work it out with the other person. It's a classic "it depends" answer given so many variables.

 

*mic drop*

[Shining One]

Honestly, I think most people are 'egalitarian' in the sense that we all know a relationship is give and take - it's not necessarily 50/50 across the board because it's not always practical or possible, but it's a relationship where you balance out strengths and weaknesses, right?

Unfortunately, this hasn't been my experience. The vast majority of my dating experiences involved a very skewed give/take ratio in her favor. The most common experiences involved the woman showing up for the first date and then being picked up for dates after that while I organized and paid for every date. If they were giving back in some way, I just didn't see it. I don't count sex as giving back.

How do you present yourself on your profile? Do you make it clear that you are looking for a relationship of equals? If so, look for women who present themselves the same way you do?

I do advertise myself as non-traditional, but I don't spell out everything in detail. I do search for non-traditional women, even specifically seeking out feminists for a while, thinking that they would be more likely to believe in equality. I was mistaken. I had similar "false advertising" experiences with traditional women though. I dated a few and none ever cleaned my house, none did my laundry, and very few ever cooked for me.

If not on the profile, there probably are clues in the way you interact with each other before the date is actually set? Like you are both proactive, responsive and show mutual interest quickly?

I haven't interacted with many women who are proactive early on. Some do become proactive after several dates in, but it's very rare before the first date.

Do you pay for the date even when you're not interested? Do you let her pay when she offers to split the bill? You can only control your end of the bargain, I guess, and not enter into relationships with women before you know they have the same life philosophy you do>

If I don't feel interest on the first date and she offers to split, I'll accept her offer. If she doesn't offer, I'll just pay it. If I am interested, I'll decline her first date offer to split, but will accept after the first date. I prefer taking turns, but I'm okay with splitting if that's her preference.

 

Only women who demonstrate they aren't just "takers" make it to the relationship phase. I was just hoping there was a way to easily find egalitarian women. I haven't searched in roughly five years, so I was wondering if there was a better way now.

[littleblackheart]

Wait for a woman to invite you on a date?

 

Until that becomes more prevalent, I assume there is no way of knowing for sure before you meet them.

[JEG88]

So I was recently invited out by a woman from OLD for dinner. We had a good time, but I got much more of a friend vibe than a romantic vibe.

 

I ended up paying the bill, refusing to let her split it. I realize I contradicted my own advice from a previous post. I think in the moment, I defaulted to the typical gender role for sure, and partly felt bad that I knew I was going to send her a "thanks but no thanks" note when I got home that night.

 

Do as I say, not as I do, eh? Haha

[Els]

Shining One, re: your "where are all the egalitarian women???" question, I'm guessing that the two main factors would be either your location or your own requirements/filters. Location wise, progressive locations (e.g. SF, Finland, etc), typically locations where equal rights for all genders and sexual orientations are enshrined in law, would be your best bet. I think there's a pretty linear relationship between acceptance of LGBTQI and rejection of traditional gender roles, in general.

 

 

 

In terms of your own requirements, what are you filtering for besides "not a taker" (and symmetrical breasts, lol)? Do you have any specific grooming/dressing requirements? Do you have a strong desire for biological children? Would you label yourself as a feminist?

[Woggle]

I have found that in many cases feminist type of women tend to want the traditional stuff even more. They either view it as something men owe them as some payback for patriarchy or they spend all day being a strong and independent woman so they want to feel feminine after a while.

[Shining One]

Shining One, re: your "where are all the egalitarian women???" question, I'm guessing that the two main factors would be either your location or your own requirements/filters. Location wise, progressive locations (e.g. SF, Finland, etc), typically locations where equal rights for all genders and sexual orientations are enshrined in law, would be your best bet. I think there's a pretty linear relationship between acceptance of LGBTQI and rejection of traditional gender roles, in general.

I'm aware that other locations are more likely to be populated by egalitarian women. My question was more aimed at how to find egalitarian women (primarily on OLD) rather than where do they live. Plenty of traditional women advertise themselves as traditional on their profiles, thus I was hoping egalitarian women did the same in some fashion. I have found quite a few egalitarian women (some friends, some lovers) over the years, but that was purely by trial and error.

In terms of your own requirements, what are you filtering for besides "not a taker" (and symmetrical breasts, lol)? Do you have any specific grooming/dressing requirements? Do you have a strong desire for biological children? Would you label yourself as a feminist?

I'm not particularly stringent in my physical requirements, with the exception of the boobs. I don't have any specific grooming or dressing requirements. I would much rather have a woman who looks good naked and dresses terribly than have a woman who dresses/grooms very well and looks terrible naked. Yes, I've experienced both. I don't want children and have had a vasectomy. I don't label myself a feminist, but I do believe in gender equality, just not "selective" equality. None of the egalitarian women I dated, including my recent ex, labelled themselves as feminists.